I've About Had It...

[strangelittleboy]

Hello everyone,

I usually don't come around here unless I'm in a bad mood. I'm not in a bad mood per se, but lately, I've thought a lot about telling my family the truth.

Last month, I was in bed one night and I told myself: "I'm going to do it, I'm going to tell my sister (who is the main person I want to tell)...Tomorrow, I'm going to do it tomorrow." Of course, when I woke up the next morning, I thought: "What was I thinking," only to find out that the same day I wanted to tell her was Coming out day or whatever they call it. I heard it on the news...I just laughed.

Anyway, I've been wanting to change things lately. First and foremost, I've been eating right and working out. I'm not fat by any means, but I don't have any self-esteem either. Lately, I've just been wanting to change my body and I keep wondering if that is a sign. I don't know if this is going to make any sense, but I feel like I have to change my body...before I can tell my family or tell my family and then I can change my body, but only after I tell them...Does that make any sense?

I have been keeping this secret since I was 18 years old...I'm 24 now and I'm still living by myself with no friends and spend most of my time watching Judge Judy and Nancy Grace all by myself...How pathetic, right?

Recently, I told my cousin over the Internet, which really wasn't the classiest way to do it, but I didn't have to do it face to face, which to me, sounds like the hardest thing to do. We were having a conversation and she kept asking me why I was so angry with my family and I told her that it wasn't them, it was "something about me," which led to the whole thing. She is fine with it and she's been really nice, but I have to wonder if I've kept it from them to keep them happy and not myself. As of now, I'm angry at myself because I have wasted so much time trying to keep this secret rather than just getting it out of the way, but I know that even if they know, it really won't change my introspective, anti-social personality. What I mean is...just because they know doesn't mean I'm going to start dating or anything like that. I'll probably just end up alone anyway, but even if that's true, at least I'll know that they know. I'm just angry at myself for not having the courage to say it.

If this is getting too long I apologize, but sometimes...when I'm at my sister's (who is practically the most important family member I have at this point) and I'm watching tv with her...Well, there was this one time we were watching television and I thought to myself: "I can wreck her life...I can turn her upside down and all I have to do is say it..." and then I looked at her and looked away and I bit my lip and I almost did it, but I couldn't. I know some of you may have seen me post in this forum before, maybe I've said the same story, but there is a real fear that she is going to reject me and if she does, I don't know what I'll do.

Anyway, the point is that I just have to get this out...I just feel a sense of urgency lately that if I don't do it now, before you know it I'll be 30 and still trying to please everyone just because I can't say two words. Part of me is wondering if they know...They have to know..There are some signs...going all the way back to when I was a kid...The Wizard of Oz was my favorite movie...I used to play with my sister's make-up...even the type of music I listen to...I even put Jay Brannan (who I recently discovered on YouTube) on my Myspace page just to put up a "red flag."

The bad thing is...as much as I want to do it, it's such a horrible time of year. It's the holidays. The last thing my sister needs is me telling her I'm gay on Thanksgiving day in the middle of dinner, right? Christmas is just around the corner....What am I supposed to do? Hand her a present and say, "I'm gay, Merry Christmas?" Then, after that, it's new years...do I really want to tell her then when she's going to be looking forward to the new year..."Happy New Year, I'm gay..." The point is...I can't make her feel bad around the holidays...I want to tell her, but I don't want to break her...

Plus, there's a part of me right now that knows that if I get a bad reaction from just one person, the fight is on. I'll go into defensive mode and be a complete bitch to everybody and not think twice about it...What can I say? It's an Aries thing...Now, that might be a bad way to think, but that's what could happen if I'm angry enough about how they will react to it...

So, I want to do it, but it's not the right time of year...and I don't know if I can face the aftermath...What should I do?

strangelittleboy

 

[screwnutty]

Wow.

Your a bag of emotions right now aren't you. I think what you need to do is have a nice cup of tea and put on some easy listening music. Then you need to hit up somebody and chat with them ASAP. Do you have anybody on JUB that you can or feel comfortable talking too? If not and your up to it you can always hit me up on MSN and we can talk...just get this out of your system. Your ready to explode...I know. This was the way I was with my old friends. I just started to lose it and was angry all the time. Finally I just told my best friend and it was the most difficult thing to do in my life....but after that it got easier and easier after each one. I lost some friends, nothing I could do about it. But the ones that stayed are you true friends.

Now I'm in the same boat as you regarding the sister problem. My sister is all I have left of my family. My mom passed away this year and my dad I haven't seen since I was five years old. Aunts and Uncles don't really live around here and the two that do. They don't really get together with me or my sister. In there defence...there old!

What does your family think about gay people? Have there been any hints? How old is your sister? Why do you think it will ruin her life? Your still her brother. Your still the same person. The only difference is that in the end, you love men. She loves men. You might find that it bonds you guys even closer!

Anyways I'm not the best at advice giving...I'm more of the guy who gets the song lyrics, videos or does funny shit things. So go have that cup of tea and just calm down for me. It's bad for your blood pressure! Trust me...I'm a Doctor!

Speaking of which....anybody got some good advice for my patient here?

 

[screwnutty]

Still no responses to this post.

Gee Strangelittleboy. I don't know what to say. I've read some of your previous posts on here to get a "feel" for you and honestly, you really do like to come here when your in a bad mood huh!

You kindof remind me of a wild horse that just needs to be tamed. Your afraid that if somebody got close enough to you that they would see your inner demons and darkness and leave you in the end. This is not true. But alas that's for another thread at another time!

But I will give you this. Cause I think you need it well we sit here and wait for help to arrive.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi strangelittleboy, one thing that struck me about your post is how negative you think this news is. It might be surprising, maybe even shocking (but, hey, so is winning the lottery), and certainly different. I would go so far as to even say that dropping this information is generally a conversation-stopper. But, remember, you're telling your sister (or whomever) that you're gay. That's all. You don't have a terminal illness, you haven't murdered someone, you haven't robbed a bank.

Thus, putting it terms of ruining people's holidays, turning your sister's day upside down watching television is a bit dramatic (and probably not true). First of all, no one really cares as much your sexuality as you do (why should they?), so it's a much bigger deal to you than it is to them. Secondly, don't assume that your announcing that you're gay is going to ruin everyone's day. In fact, they might feel touched and honored that you wanted to confide in them; they may already suspect and be relieved you finally coughed it out; they may shrug their shoulders and say that's nice--what else is new?

This is a long-winded way of suggesting you change your frame-of-reference to it from something dramatically bad to just matter-of-fact. Maybe then it won't be so difficult to finally tell them.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

 

[strangelittleboy]

What does your family think about gay people? Have there been any hints? How old is your sister? Why do you think it will ruin her life? Your still her brother. Your still the same person. The only difference is that in the end, you love men. She loves men. You might find that it bonds you guys even closer!

Basically, they don't agree with it. My sister says she doesn't condone it, yet she always uses derogatory terms, such as calling Ellen DeGeneres a "carpentmuncher" and laughing about it. She is 15 years older than I am. She doesn't even care if her kids say things like that and my dad does the same thing, though I think he's more tolerant.

I guess saying that I would "ruin her life" or wreck it was an overstatement, but what I meant by that was...that she won't look at me in the same way or she won't talk to me the same way...just see me differently. If I could think of an analogy: It's sort of like when you're a little kid and you see an innocent bug and you step on it..and you realize it's dead...It's a moment where your life changes or you realize that the person you're looking at isn't the same anymore.

 

[strangelittleboy]

Hi strangelittleboy, one thing that struck me about your post is how negative you think this news is. It might be surprising, maybe even shocking (but, hey, so is winning the lottery), and certainly different. I would go so far as to even say that dropping this information is generally a conversation-stopper. But, remember, you're telling your sister (or whomever) that you're gay. That's all. You don't have a terminal illness, you haven't murdered someone, you haven't robbed a bank.

Well, it's hard to tell someone you're gay when they believe in the Bible. We never talked about religion much because after my mom died, everyone in the church blamed my dad and sort of did that whole whispering thing whenever he would walk by. As for me, I went to church once and it scared the daylights out of me. The preacher was screaming so loud about me going to hell (and I'm 6 years old) and having the nuns circle us while we were in a prayer circle and not letting any of us leave...it terrified me and yet at the same time, I understand where they're coming from...The bible says it's not ok, so part of me thinking it is much more than just admitting that I'm gay is because the bible says it's much more than that.

Secondly, don't assume that your announcing that you're gay is going to ruin everyone's day. In fact, they might feel touched and honored that you wanted to confide in them; they may already suspect and be relieved you finally coughed it out; they may shrug their shoulders and say that's nice--what else is new?

Well, what am I supposed to do? Say it and expect them to buy me an ice cream cone? This is a big deal to me...Yeah, they might not react the way I think they will, but I told my niece (one of the 2 people that does know) to do a "what if.." question to my sister...What if i one of her brothers was gay? My niece told me she asked her the question and she told her: "I don't know what I would do, I probably wouldn't speak them for awhile." That wasn't very comforting and it makes me afraid...It might be trivial to some people who think I'm whining, but it's hard to just shrug my shoulders at the same time.

 

[nonenone]

hey man, my family and friends all used to say homophobic comments, but thats only because they didnt really know any gay people so they didnt understand it.. but when i came out, everyone supported me and even my friends who i thought were homophobic came to my defence... i dont know, i mean, unless you plan on staying in the closet forever, then the sooner you tell them the better..just dont do it at the thanksgiving dinner table lol... and i did the same thing, before i came out, i hit the gym trying to get a really hot body it helped alot haha best of luck to you

 

[Boogerqueesha]

Hi, Strangelittleboy.

From what I can glean from your posts, you like to muse. It's a good thing; most people think too little rather than too much before they act. Those of us who think too MUCH, though, can get hung up on things that aren't real.

Don't get too emotional over something that's hypothetical. You don't really know what will happen until it actually does.

I know it might be hard, but place some faith in the unknown, and take the risk. One the few good things about religion is that it makes people place faith where there is no reason to have any. It's something that you HAVE to learn how to do, to be happy. Otherwise, you'll end up paranoid and grim.

I told MY sister... yes, on Christmas Eve. Almost a year ago, now. I don't regret it. I think you've thought about it as much as you can; more thinking wont lead you to any new revelations. Only one thing will.

Good luck!

 

[strangelittleboy]

hey man, my family and friends all used to say homophobic comments, but thats only because they didnt really know any gay people so they didnt understand it.. but when i came out, everyone supported me and even my friends who i thought were homophobic came to my defence...

Well, the only people they know that are gay are two of my cousins (both female) and when my sister was around them, she wasn't disrespectful, but I could tell she was uncomfortable. Other than that, that's it, so I don't know. I don't want to think the worst of my family, but in a situation like this, what can you do when all you've ever seen or heard them do was disrespect it?

i dont know, i mean, unless you plan on staying in the closet forever, then the sooner you tell them the better..just dont do it at the thanksgiving dinner table lol...

Well, I almost always being dramatic. I had to bite my tongue last year at the dinner table...It was so quiet that I almost did it...but I just kept my mouth shut...For some reason, I picture it to be something dramatic whenever I plan to do it...I don't know why.

 

[strangelittleboy]

Hi, Strangelittleboy.

From what I can glean from your posts, you like to muse. It's a good thing; most people think too little rather than too much before they act. Those of us who think too MUCH, though, can get hung up on things that aren't real.

Don't get too emotional over something that's hypothetical. You don't really know what will happen until it actually does.

Oh, I love the thoughts I have. Look at my MySpace blog entries . It's something I think about (coming out) at least once I day or right before I go to bed, so that tells me that I have to do it, if not now, in a few months. I'm trying hard not to recount the negative response she gave to the question, but it's hard not to. I'm not particularly close to my sister per se, I can only go on what she gives of herself because there is a huge age gap and we didn't really grow up together in the same house, but since I did have to live with her for 3 years, I like to think I know her somewhat, but I know that I can't confide in her because whenever I bring up something serious (that's not even related to this issue), she usually just bites her fingernails and goes: "Mmmmmnnnn that's not good" and that's all she does, she doesn't really express what she's thinking. So, it's hard to know what she'll say, but I've kept this inside for 8 years...I basically knew when I was 18 and keeping it for this long is starting to wear on me...

I told MY sister... yes, on Christmas Eve. Almost a year ago, now. I don't regret it. I think you've thought about it as much as you can; more thinking wont lead you to any new revelations.

Well, that's good in your case, but for some reason, I imagine that she's going to break down in tears, which is why I think the holidays isn't the best time to tell her something like this...

 

[strangelittleboy]

You kindof remind me of a wild horse that just needs to be tamed. Your afraid that if somebody got close enough to you that they would see your inner demons and darkness and leave you in the end.

Horses don't need taming; it's usually the people who tried to get on them that need to be tamed...Oh, that's good. I should write that down (I'm a songwriter).

 

[screwnutty]

Horses don't need taming; it's usually the people who tried to get on them that need to be tamed...Oh, that's good. I should write that down (I'm a songwriter).

I want royalties if it becomes a hit for thinking up the idea first! LOL

Look...the way I see it your in a "Catch-22". If you continue to keep this bottled up inside of you, your either going to have a heart attack or go insane. But if you tell your sister the truth...you face losing her for awhile. Maybe. Who knows. She could just be mad for a few seconds and then be happy for you or she could never speak to you again for awhile. Depends how long it's going to take her to come to terms with it. Depends how long you want to hide it.

I know this sounds horrible and I'm going to get burned alive for saying this but expect the worse I guess. Worse thing is they don't talk to you for awhile. You said you were independent right. There going to need time to adjust. Your going to need time to adjust. But it's a journey....every journey begins with one step.

 

[Neji]

Your situation seems very similar to what I've been going through. I hope things work out for you

 

[strangelittleboy]

But if you tell your sister the truth...you face losing her for awhile. Maybe. Who knows. She could just be mad for a few seconds and then be happy for you or she could never speak to you again for awhile. Depends how long it's going to take her to come to terms with it. Depends how long you want to hide it.

Well, if she decides to reject me, I'm going to reject her and never speak to her again and that will be the end of it. Honestly, that's how I'll be treating everyone who has a bad reaction. I'm not saying they have to agree with it or like it, but they have to accept it and live with the fact that they simply know and if they choose to reject me, I'm never speaking to them again.

 

[Kulindahr]

Wowishness.

Several things:
First, don't be so sure that what you think the Bible says is what it says -- especially when you got that from a "church" where the preacher screams, especially if he's shrieking at little boys that they're going to hell. That is something that DEFINITELY is contrary to the Bible, so they're disqualified as a source.

Second, why not New Year's? It's the start of a new year, which is a good time to begin new things! Sharing New Year's resolutions is common and normal; just tell people, "I've resolved to stop hiding the fact that I'm gay". Then you haven't made a big deal out of it, it's just another New Year's resolution -- in fact make it one of a list: I'm going to work out regularly, I'm going to do some things outside my apartment, I'm going to stop hiding that I'm gay."

Third, your sister: she said she'd prolly stop talking "for a while" -- that's hardly a death sentence. It took my dad a while, too, but I did get to know before he died that he was fine with it.

So don't stress, send the screaming pastor a box of condoms for Christmas, and get ready for New Year's!

 

[strangelittleboy]

Wowishness.

Several things:
First, don't be so sure that what you think the Bible says is what it says -- especially when you got that from a "church" where the preacher screams, especially if he's shrieking at little boys that they're going to hell. That is something that DEFINITELY is contrary to the Bible, so they're disqualified as a source.

Hi, Kulindahr...You know how I feel about the bible Kulindahr and I talk regularly and he knows all about that...LOL

Second, why not New Year's? It's the start of a new year, which is a good time to begin new things! Sharing New Year's resolutions is common and normal; just tell people, "I've resolved to stop hiding the fact that I'm gay". Then you haven't made a big deal out of it, it's just another New Year's resolution -- in fact make it one of a list: I'm going to work out regularly, I'm going to do some things outside my apartment, I'm going to stop hiding that I'm gay."

I've thought about it...my best friend from high school says that my resolution should be to tell everyone this year, but I don't know...

 

[Kulindahr]

I've thought about it...my best friend from high school says that my resolution should be to tell everyone this year, but I don't know...

I don't think that's the way to do it. I phrased it as "stop hiding" just for the reason that you might not want to tell everyone fast; you may want to let some people figure it out on their own, and others to stay in the dark. It's more important to your own self to say "stop hiding"; that requires a change in how you think of yourself and maybe how you act -- "tell everyone" lets you keep on pretending in front of strangers... plus where do you stop with that "everyone"?
"Stop hiding" has two benefits over "tell everyone", then: it lets you decide the pace and place for telling people important to you, and decide who you want to tell; and it requires a more profound change in the way you look at and present yourself.


Though you should also make a resolution to get out and have a social life where you can meet other gay guys!

 

[attallaborn]

Wow, you really bring the “drama” which leads me to one thought: your obviously a “queen” everyone already knows it (family, friends, etc) but don’t want to tell you because you live under this open secret. You talk like your sparing them from the pain but in reality; they are the ones sparing you by pretending they don’t know. So come out and save yourself some face, fall in love and live your “young” life, before your forced out at forty, very unattractive and alone-ya big queen…that’s just my opinion..belive me, they notice the absent f your girlfriend, straight friends and mannerisms, sweetie lol..

 

[rareboy]

So, I want to do it, but it's not the right time of year...and I don't know if I can face the aftermath...What should I do?

There will never be the right time of year. For heaven's sakes, just do it.

But first, you might want to get some counselling on why you see being gay as this horrible, negative thing that is going to tear your family apart.

Maybe it will put you in a better frame of mind.