I've become somewhat of a predator (No, not that kind)

[Jacy]

Okay. Sorry if I freaked you out with the title...

So, my life has been spinning out of control this last year. I fell in love with my straight choir friend, failed every single test during my school year (My last chance to make it up is this august) and I haven't told my parents about it. Also, I'm moving out and haven't told them. Also, I'm truley a bisexual and still haven't told my family. Only a couple of friends and my best cousin knows.

Wow, that felt good to just let it all out...

Well, here's my problem:
I'm a youth leader in church. Basically what I do is talk and hang out with the teenagers when they study for their confirmation ceremony in church. Forgot to say, I'm 19 years old, living in Sweden.

And this year (as always), I had a bunch of 15 year olds (only 4 years younger than me) that I hung out with. Only one problem? I kind of am in like with one of them. And he's a boy.

So, what happned is this: I know his brother (who I once lusted for, about three years ago), so when we met we talked a lot about everything and everyone. It was fun, casual and he also learned some music. Me, being the music freak I've always been, taught him a little bit of songs and after a while, I noticed that I was flirting with him. A lot.

Suddenly, there were a lot of touching, wrestling, looks and a lot of the regular stuff. At one point, I got a hold of a magic marker pen and started writing on his ENTIRE body. The only part I didn't write on or touch was what his briefs were covering. And he was smiling and really enjoying my touch.

After that incident, we've been flirting a lot. Or at least what I believe is flirting. One youth leader had a party for the confirmationgroup (with alcohol, which was not my idea) and he was sober all night. He helped me out with his friends and we sat in a couch for over an hour talking to each other and staring into each other's eyes. It was all very PG-13 and cute and stuff.

Another incident was when we were swimming and we had a lot of hugging and at one moment we were almost cuddling. Seriously, I almost forgot to swim sometimes when I saw him. And he was quite often in the water with me.

The last time I saw him was exactly one week ago. It was the same evening of the ceremony. And he challenged me to chicken. And he was really close to kissing me, when he sort of looked around and remembred where he was (at least that's what it looked like). Yet again there was a lot of touching, smiles, joking and a lot of eye contact. And then he walked me to the bus station. And I would've made a move, had we not met his friends there that pissed me off.

After that, we've been texting a little. Always me who initiates. And we have had these cute convo's. At one point, he slipped and wrote <3 in several of his messages. And everytime he did, he apologized and said that it was a mistake. A habit.

And haven't heared anything from him since.

So, I'm curious for your response, because I can't be objective. I'm usually very realitybased and not this dreamy, but a 15 year old boy makes my knees buckle, makes me feel good again about myself and I feel like some creepy predator who wants to eat some fresh meat. That feels a bit wrong, but my feelings for him kind of overpower all of it. Now, it's not illegal per say, It's just the fact that he's one of my former confirmation students and the fact that I lusted for his brother and the fact that I can't get him out of my head.

So, two questions:
1. Is this wrong, my feelings for him?
2. Do you guys think he feels anything for me in that sense? 'Cause I'm trying to figure out what I should suggest we do that is casual, non-threatning and with no pressure from either side.

Can you guys help me?

 

[KaraBulut]

I'm not sure that we can help you. It's you that needs to take the lead and get help.

What is of most concern is that there are so many things that are causing confusion and instability in your life. This isn't about having a crush on a teenager. This is about a life that is spinning out of control.

A person's life is built around three basic things- a good home life, a good school/work life and a good love life. It's a challenge to have all three at once. But when you look around you and realize that all three aspects of your life are out of control, then it's time to get professional help.

That's where you are. If you don't get help, you're headed for a really tough time.

 

[sixthson]

I don't know what the age of consent is in Sweden, but I do know you are crossing lines because you are an adult who has a position of responsibility with children.

KaraBulut is right on when he says your life is out of control in every way. Take control of your thought life and remove yourself from the role you have with children. You need help understanding why you pursue straight guys and underage boys, thereby allowing it to mess up your studies and potentially the rest of your life.

According to your profile, you have been at JUB for 4 years and you are now just 19? Are you sure you are being honest?

 

[Jacy]

Well, I kind of lied when I joined and haven't been able to change that (I know, really bad from my side). So I just turned 19 this year.

the age of consent in Sweden is actually 15, so it's legal. Also, this crush or whatever is very rare for me. Usually, I'm only into guys around 22-28 years old, so not a regular thing.

But you guys are right...I should take control.

But where to start? I've been beaten and broken down all year and haven't felt truley alive until recently when my feelings for him surfaced. And all of the sudden, I actually feel a bit renewed and have a lot more energy than I've had all year. Maybe I should seek professional help...

 

[KaraBulut]

Maybe I should seek professional help...

No maybe. Do it.

 

[youngnihilist]

Should you seek help? You're only 19, you're practically fresh meat yourself. There's only a 4 year difference. Maybe it's illegal to go after him but don't feel bad about your sexual feelings, you're only 4 years apart!

I don't get why people are condemning you but asserting a 50 year old going after an 18 year old as perfectly fine.

 

[kissthesky88]

just follow the golden rule (of age disparity in sexual relationships): it's all good if they're half your age plus seven.

it works for anyone at any age. you're 19, half of which is 9&1/2 + 7 = 16&1/2.

but if the age of consent in sweden is 15 then i say, totally, go for it. there isn't a monumental difference between 15 and 19 year olds anyways. you're still a teenager too even. good luck.

 

[hackingnomberr]

It's not like it matters unless you have sexual relations with him though right?
Like I don't think your age gap is that big of a deal, but you definitely need to be low key about what you're doing and need to make sure you're not kidding yourself with the vibes he's giving you.

Good luck man.~

 

[spencer]

It would be fine but you are in a position of responsibilty of these children. If you continue to persue this, you should step down as a youth leader. What would happen if you got caught? These kids are trying to get their confirmation and you're messing around with one of them.

It's similar to a student teacher relationship. In your case it may not be illegal, but it's not professional and isn't acceptable in that position.

Oh and btw, healthy relationships don't interfere with school. Some, in fact, allow you to exel in school. You need to work on that, you're not a 15 year old anymore. You can't throw your future away by falling for staright guys. You live in a progressive country, find gay men that are available and develop healhty relationships. You're down all the wrong paths right now when you could take steps to go down some right ones.

 

[rareboy]

There are at least ten things wrong that come through in the original post. I don't know where to start. Yes I do.

First. Be honest with yourself.

Second. Be honest with your parents.

Third. Quit the church group shit. It is a great place to hide but I don't think it is religion that you need right now. You can be spiritual without being wrapped up in liturgy, dogma and congregation.

Fourth. To lust after one of your charges is an abuse of your authority and relationship. We call it the 'Fucked by Jesus' syndrome. Back away from this kid.

Your life may be fucked up, but you don't need to mess with his head.

Fifth. Buckle the fuck down and put some real focus and work into passing your exams. See number three.

Sixth. Back to being honest. I think you're a homo. You're only claiming to be bi-sexual because somehow it is more acceptable. Maybe St. Paul wouldn't have as much of a problem with it?

Seventh. Stop texting. It is just intrusive and annoying and there are way too many 'cute convo's' in the air these days. In this case, your prey doesn't seem that interested in initiating any of these idiotic little greeting card expressions borne of too much wasted time on your hands. Remember. Idle hands are the Devil's workshop.

Throw your texty message thing away for a month or two.

Eighth. Separate your academic life from your misplaced sexual fixations. I'm not buying that it was falling for a straight choir friend that made you flunk. I think there is something more. It is either laziness or worse.

In part, I blame the texting.

Ninth. Speak to someone about how to get your life back on track. Reading between the lines, I see someone who is frantically repressed and unhappy. I see someone who is desperately hoping that being involved in the church will somehow make up for what I believe has been a lifetime of pathological lying and a need for forgiveness and redemption that you aren't getting elsewhere.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>1. Is this wrong, my feelings for him?

The feelings? No. Acting on them? Yes.

>>>I noticed that I was flirting with him. A lot. Suddenly, there were a lot of touching, wrestling, looks and a lot of the regular stuff.

"I noticed I was flirting with him." "Suddenly, there was touching." I call that "removing blame by passive voice". You were flirting with him because you chose to flirt with him. There was touching, wrestling and looks because you chose to touch him, wrestle him, and look at him. You may not have asked for the feelings, but you gave in to them, and chose to do all the above.

>>>2. Do you guys think he feels anything for me in that sense? 'Cause I'm trying to figure out what I should suggest we do that is casual, non-threatning and with no pressure from either side.

The reason that sex with underage kids is taboo isn't just some random line they toss down to keep people from enjoying themselves. It's for the same reason they don't let kids buy cars or sign contracts without having their parents sign off on it. It's because most (not all) kids are too immature to make good sound decisions about things that may have longlasting effects. The fact that you're his counselor exacerbates the situation. Because you technically have "power" over him. And thus you two aren't approaching this as equals.

What do you do now? I think rareboy spelled it out pretty well.

Lex

 

[Jacy]

Wow...there's a lot of good stuff here.

But I feel that I need to fill in the blanks a bit.

First, the church group is actually fun for me. Honestly, being bisexual isn't that big of a deal in the swedish church and I have come out to some friends in church. Also, rareboy, I do believe that I'm really bi, because I spent almost six months pining for a woman the same way I have pined for men. And some women really turn me on, so I've gone from thinking strictly homo to probably bi.

The school? well, that was really messed up. But all of it started way before my choir friend. I honestly can't figure out my problem there. Well, one reason is that I actually don't like the subjects at all. I am reading natural science subjects and math. Now, while it isn't anyone's favourite subject, it isn't something I should have to do. And I've come to the conclusion that I probably didn't want to do it in the first place. I don't know..I'm right now trying to figure out what I want from life and haven't been sure of that since january last year...

And the boy. I'm leaving him alone. You're right. This is an abuse of power. I needed that reality check.

I'm the one that is responsible and have not been doing my job well at all. Now, again I repeat, I've never ever been attracted to these confirmation students until him, but seeing that it happned now, I'm confused on if I can do this job anymore. I'll see what I will do about my church job, because before all of this it has been really rewarding and given me a lot of confidence...

This is why I love JUB, no bullshit, just the truth. Thanks guys =)

 

[hotatlboi]

there isn't a monumental difference between 15 and 19 year olds anyways.

Well that's a pretty big difference in maturity level imo, but that doesn't necessarily mean I think its wrong.

I agree with the others though that I think you might be neglecting problems in other aspects of your life by focusing on this so much.