I've become that which I hate...

[ReZerection]

So, as some know I've been with my guy for 1 year come April 20th. Well for the past 5 months we've been living apart in two different cities, 3 hours away from one another an usually only see each other once a week.

Well it's been just over 3 weeks since we've last seen one another, and I've more less become a worthless piece of shit.

I met a guy about 5 days ago, and seen him for the first 3 days. I also slept with him in those 3 days. And now find myself thinking about him more than I do my bf. I don't know if it's because he's something new and exciting or if it's because he's only a few years older than myself, or even perhaps because I can hold a logical and exciting discussion with him. Which is something that rarely happens with my bf.

(I know I"m a complete asshole.)

I've talked to a few friends who have told me that my relationship is basically over with my bf which is why I have done what I have done. THen I have another set of friends who has advised me to basically take it for what it is, a fling with a guy while I and my bf are seperated. They seem to think that it has nothing to do with what my bf isn't giving me and instead has all to do with what I am either lacking or wanting.

But I have of course backed my stupid ignorant non-thinking ass into a corner of complete distruction because, 1. I do love my bf, and wouldn't mind spending more time with him as such, even though intellectually he doesn't really do it for me. And 2. This new guy that I have been spending time with as of late, is 1. IN the closet, 2. Married and 3. Has 2 children with said wife.

So yeah, basically I've become that which I hate most, a lying no good piece of shit. And all because I am tired of fucking my own hand, because my bf seems to have to have things his way!

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Dude,

Somebody must have said this b4.

You got yourself into some serious, deep shit.

Get the control of your life back right now.

A married guy with 2 kids, who is cheating on his wife to boot, does not sound like a major future prospective to me. You know that you simply do not want to go there.

Get together with your BF and talk this thing over. 3 weeks of not seeing each other is not fine with you. He needs to know that. And he needs to do his part, so that the relationship continues to function.

If your BF refuses to cooperate, tell him that you have got your needs and that you also have your own right to be happy and fulfilled without abusing your right hand more than you absolutely have to.

You entered into a LTR with your BF for a reason. Both you any your BF ought to keep in mind that the LTR lives only as long as its raison d'être is still alive and well.

SC

 

[DiaryOfAMadman]

Since you've posted in the "No Flame Zone" I am not permitted to tell you what I really thing about your situation. I'll sum that up by telling you that I agree with every negative thing you said about and name you called yourself in your post above.

Regardless of what you say you obviously ARE NOT in love with your boyfriend or you would not have been on 3 dates and have slept with this new guy. Why should he ever trust you again?

Your also a fool for thinking you can have a real relationship with this new guy you are seeing. 1. He's in the coset and has two kids and 2. He's cheating on his wife.... with you. So he openly admits to lying to himself, his wife, friends, his kids, and everyone around him........... but you honestly think you have have a real and trusting relationship with this man? Get Real

Stop thinking with your dick and actually use your head. But yes, with your boyfriend you crossed that line and your now the enemy in the relationship. 9 times out of 10 "Once a cheater, always a cheater".

I hope you find this information helpful in the future.

 

[ReZerection]

Well thanks for the feedback and opinions.

I know without a doubt 110% that what I am doing with the married guy is nothing more than have a quick fuck or two. I veiw it as such. Yes the guy is pretty much everything I could want, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to pull a blanket over my eyes and think "what if".

I even told the married guy one night that I view this thing we've got going as nothing more than a "no strings attached fuck relationship". He gave me a fucked up look and proceeded to tell me that he wanted more of a steady thing then just that. But seriously. I'm not a moron not in the very least. He's married, has children and thats that. I'm not for one second going to ask, nor expect him to leave them for me, hell I wouldn't do that for myself. He's gay or well atleast bi, and as I see it, he's wanting his cake and eating it too, which never works out. One can't expect a person to think any differently no matter how good the two click nor how good the sex is.

I do know I've put myself within a fucked up situatuion, I have no one else to blame but myself, and I take full responsibility for everything I've chosen to do. But my lying to my bf is nothing that he hasn't already done to me in the past. I've been lied to so many times from him, that it's amazing that I've stuck with him this long.

I mean lets face it. 1. It's a gay relationship between I and my bf. We all know how hard that is in and of it's self. 2. He's a momma's boy and can be quite fucking stubburn and selfish. Out of everything that he does and has done in the past, he's lucky that I've stayed this long. I've made tons of huge sacrafices for him only to be pushed away and left out in the cold to many times.

So, I being a man and a individual human being need to take care of myself. And if that means my having to go outside of the said relationship as I have to fullfill those needs then so be it.

I have spoken to my bf about this new guy, no I didn't tell him the whole jist of it, but I did tell him I met another guy who I was kinda into, and he I. All my bf did was ask two littles questions and left it at that. How old he is and where I met him. Nothing more. Now that goes to show that either he thinks he's the shit and I"m just going to continue on waiting around on him, or two he doesn't give two shits.

Now this coming monday he is expecting me to meet him in Indy to go apartment shopping with him, to once again move in together. And just as before, once again it is I who has to move and drop everything, because he wants to live there.

I should expect more from someone who says they love me and wouldn't want to think about going through life without me. I'm always told that I'm good looking, intelligent and out going. I'm completely straight acting and masculine, yet I"m the one that has to submit and act like the bitch of the relationship all because he doens't understand the word, compromise!

And if I do deserve more as my friends and family tell me, then where the hell are all these other great guys? I go out with friends to the local bars to just have fun, nothing more and get told that everyone thinks I'm completely straight. Now how the hell does one go about finding another person when people are to fucking scared to even approach me. That leaves me with nothing more than what I have found myself doing now, fucking the relationship part of life and just getting off when my dick gets hard.

 

[luminum]

The fact that the guy has serious attachments (a wife and kids) says to me that he'll be hard pressed to enter a full-time relationship with you. It's more likely that he'll want you as an outlet for his gay urges.

Your boyfriend, is out and can give you more of what you want in a relationship than the other guy can.

Either work for your relationship, accept a fling relationship with the marrief guy, or accept that your relationship is over and find soemone who can give you what you wanted in your boyfriend and this married guy in one.

 

[ReZerection]

Either work for your relationship, accept a fling relationship with the marrief guy, or accept that your relationship is over and find soemone who can give you what you wanted in your boyfriend and this married guy in one.

I might be going out on a limb on this one, but I highly doubt thats possible. To take the good that I like from both of these guys and have it rolled up into one, would be like me walking on water. Not gonna happen. Although I'd more than likely sell my soul to whomever if it ever were possible.

My bf is great in bed, and good hearted with people. This other guy is great at conversation, and actually is more affectionate, and seems to be well, just as good I guess in bed. So yeah, its one big fucked up mess. But he's married and has a life of his own, and yes, I know I"ll never be part of that, which is ok with me. And ultimately I'll more than likely end up calling it off with both and just focus on myself. I'm not a bar hopper per se, and well I don't really hang in the "gay" crowd if you will, so perhaps by the time I"m 40 I might find that one.

But anyways, such is life. One never fully gets all that they want.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Rez,

Well... first you've got to sort out what you're really thinking here. I remember your earlier threads...and I know that theres a large part of you that cares and loves your bf. But you really need to ask yourself - is it enough? Are you really happy there anymore?

I dont think anyone here is going to condone what you did. It was wrong and selfish. It really wasnt the action of someone in a relationship that means something to them. It was more the action of someone yearning for more... more fulfillment more commitment more love. But it doesn't justify what you did.

Whats even more concerning is that in your later posts, after claiming to hate yourself so much for what you did originally, you've started to justify why you did it...and more over shift the blame to your bf. Remember mate...you cheated...not him. Additionally you then hide the truth.

Look Rez... I know the last few months have been tough. That you're torn about the situation between your bf his family and what you need. But this is not the right way to fix it.

Its time you really look deeply into your heart...asked some questions and listened to the answers. Staying with someone because of obligation, fear or false hope is crazy. Its damaging to yourself and your partner. Your actions are of a man who needs to move on...and maybe you do. You're hurting yourself and your bf...and thats not fair on either of you.

It takes a lot of strength and courage to make hard decisions. Its hard to do the right thing. But its time you did. Be honest with yourself and your bf. Its not selfish to want more...to want complete love and compassion. But it is to lie and cheat.

You deserve what you seek from a bf... you deserve your needs to be filled. But you need to respect yourself and those around you... not hurt them.

Make a choice Rez. Make it now. I know that you're hurting upset and confused... theres a reason you feel this way. Its time to listen to your heart... even if that means letting go. Its time to be honest...its time to make things right.

And then once you made that choice...its time to get on with your life.

 

[Ninja108]

I told you in the chat room what I thought of this sitation but I'll jsut way it here? If you're not happy in your relationship with ur bf you need to either work it out or leave him. No excuse for cheating. I can only imagine how the wife and the bf must feel if they knew.

 

[StlKj]

So, ReZ, are you finished kicking yourself? Did it accomplish whatever you needed it to?

Here's my take on it all to do with what you will.

Your relationship with your boyfriend has been over for some time. From everything you say here about your defeatist attitude about finding someone who will really love you, I'd say you've just held onto the boyfriend as a safety net. He obviously gets what he wants from you on his time schedule, leaving you frustrated and always compromising. You know this is not the way you want to live, but hey, until now, why fix it if you're getting occasional great sex from a guy who likes people?

So, in walks a perfect opportunity to not only destroy the relationship you're not willing to end, but he also has baggage that keeps him from seeing only you (a wonderful side benefit that allows you to continue believing you'll never find someone great devoted only to you). Screwing him also lets you beat the shit out of yourself for how bad you are as a person--extra points for someone who already doesn't respect himself enough to demand it from someone who supposedly has loved him for nearly a year.

Here's a thought--how about not seeing anyone for a while until you have a better attitude about yourself? You're so concerned about how you've been having to fuck yourself, but the way I see it, not loving yourself is your bigger problem.

Now that this has all happened, what are you going to do, starting tomorrow, to be better?

 

[Just_Believe18]

Cut your losses. Officially end it with both men and move onto something less self-destructive.

 

[slobone]

The thing that sticks out to me is that you you're already a little pissed off at your bf for reasons that have nothing to do with the distance separating you. I have a feeling that relationship is coming to an end soon, and being away from him just gives you an opportunity to try out the alternatives.

I strongly suggest you not move back in with your bf unless you really feel you can commit to him, and he to you. By the way, if he doesn't sound too concerned that you're fooling around, is it possible that he's doing the same thing?

So yes, I think you already know it's time to break up with bf #1.

As for bf #2, well I don't believe in being judgmental. (You may or may not know that the idea of a married man having gay sex on the side drives some JUBbers right up the wall.)

The real issue, of course, is whether the relationship with the married guy is what you want or whether you're only continuing it because it's convenient. I suspect that once you break up with bf #1, you'll feel like you can start dating guys who are more likely to give you what you want.