i've been bluffing and i just feel so fake...

[ixthrock]

really, it was the "do you miss a boyfriend" thread that made me feel like a liar...not that THAT sort of loneliness is at the heart of my depression, but it got me thinking...

i mean, my reply was so self-positive, and i feel that i adamantly encourage others to treat each other (and themselves) with more kindness, to always leave room for the benefit of the doubt...i try to speak as if i have so many high hopes for the ultimate goodness of humanity...

...and yet i'm really hurting inside. a lot.

before getting too personal, i will say, in general, that right now every unkindness i am exposed to feels like a twisting knife in my heart, like something that will leave a permanent scar, and every kindness i encounter barely registers as a blip on my radar.

i used to be so earnestly bright and cheerful, and i felt so loved, and now - conscious that i dont want to be the black cloud over anyone's parade - i merely act. I like to think I act well, and I have every indication that I do..."you seem like you're doing so much better now..." but it doesn't change the feeling of being a big faker.

okay, okay, i know one of the AA mottos (I'm not an alchoholic, and do not know this from 1st hand experience, mind you...) is "fake it 'til you make it," but i have been doing this for five years.

I like to say i haven't killed myself because i'm a coward, and i think this much is true. I mean, i have had pretty extensive training as a crisis intervention counselor, and a year of experience working the hotlines, and I know the difference between a cry for help and serious business. I know that you make the cuts DOWN the vein, not across. one thing I DO know how to succeed at is killing myself.

I have had several different therapists, I have tried several different medications, and as of yet nothing has made a dent. the medication DID help me to be a better faker.

I don't know what I really expect from this thread, if anything; i've just been extra down lately and needed to shout somewhere.

I hope no-one has relied overmuch on my advice in this forum, because obviously i'm just as full of shit as everyone else. my answers are no better than anyone else's, and i'm as completely lost as you are, if not more so.

sometime soon, i'd like to be more open with my fellow jubbers - i have specific and personal issues i have never raised on this board before because, well... i was afraid of who might see them, and how they might respond. I believe there are people who would go out of their way to cause me specific types of pain. how's that for paranoid?

anyway, maybe i'll break the silence on all that mess, here, soon - maybe in a blog, maybe even in this thread.

but first, i just wanted to put this out there, and to apologise for my self-assured wittiness. it's been a bluff.

 

[Lube]

Don't sweat it.

I've learned a ton about myself by being here at JUB.

Things that I thought I knew about myself are turning out to be false.

I am less adamant in my advice here, because my opinion is changing all the time. This is normal. It's a process we're going through.

Feel free to PM me at any time if you want to talk. I've met some super wonderful people here who have helped me a *lot*. Everybody's been in the same boat as you.

We're all friends here, when it comes down to it.

 

[Croynan]

A superb thread and superbly written.

It is a real thrill to see you back again with all of the remarkable writing skills you posses.

WELCOME BACK.

eM.

 

[Andreus]

Ti eukolon? To allo hupotithestai.

Ti duskolon? To eauton gnonai.

that greek parable is dear to my heart

it tranlates roughly as...

its easy to give advice

its hard to know who you are

dont be so hard on yourself

even if your advice wasnt something you believed in, it just may have helped someone. I doubt they care if your words were comforting.

you are a good man

hugs

 

[antdak]

We are the hardest on our selves. I am happy you did not kill your self, we would be missing a great human. I think every one act positive at time in our lifes, it is one of the ways we can get thru this life. But on the other hand it IS ok to be moody, depressed, etc, etc. It sounds like you have regonized the problem and are working to correct it. You can find good help here, as you might know! Welcome and hope to hear many things from you, either good or bad!!

 

[cocktales]

Wow!

What an incredible written thread that took guts to write...

It's hard to be totally honest with yourself without hiding behind a fascade!

I know we ALL do it; otherwise, I think perhaps more of us would try to end it all...

.......or, this is what some of the "bestest" psychiatrists say, or is it think? lol

I think more than half the problem is determining whether or not there is a problem; and then going on from there and taking care of the issues involved in the problem...

I hope JUB can help others as it has helped me deal with a few things; and perhaps some of the under-lying benefits of having forums is to help us deal with issues/problems in our daily life and how to deal with those problems, don't ya think?

Xth, we all hope you "do" take your own advice and NOT do anything that would harm yourself; especially now that you seem to know what's what and what's goin on in your life....

Dealing with past love affairs, especially those in which our whole body, mind and spirit was involved in giving ourselves to that other person who is no longer in our lives......Now, that is more than difficult to deal with!

Hang in there and by all means, "Don't Do Anything I Wouldn't Do"!

It's great reading your well-written threads and answers to threads again my friend!

 

[ixthrock]

thanks guys.

it's sunday AM, I have to open the nursery by 10, so i'm just checking in quickly.

i DID have a boyfriend that i'm all but entirely out of contact with. for any of you philadelphians, i understand he's doing a lot of volunteering at Food Not Bombs. he'll be hard to miss; he'll be the most beautiful man there. and fortunately for the rest of the gay world, he likes to get naked. a lot. all the young underground kids in Tallahassee knew him as "naked dave." he's a life model.

how things fell apart with HIM is a complex and multi-storied..well.. story. and maybe they haven't really fell completely apart; it's just he's in Philadelphia, and I'm here, and we don't talk much. I still believe he has aspberger's syndrome, but this is not a clinical diagnosis.

and David is only one thread of a very complex ball of yarn. The truth is, about five years ago, I lost every single one of my friends. Every one of them. None of them will admit it, much less tell me why, and central to that very large group of friends is the man (not David) that inspired me to come out of the closet 20 years ago, a man with a 10-year-old-son that once called me "Daddy." This is the man i have occasionally alluded to in posts; it is him or his friends that i am afraid of seeing this and attempting to cause me more pain. This is the man who beat me up, and then put a restraining order on me.... ON ME...."for protection against domestic violence..."

once again, without really explaining why. i mean, if there were something in my social conduct that he found unsavory or dangerous, wouldn't it behoove the rest of society for him (and the rest of his - my former - friends) to say, "I am shunning you, and this is why..." That way, I would have something to reflect on when I considered the loss of my entire support structure, and could at least adjust my actions accordingly?

so, at heart, i guess this is that old tired issue of "letting go.."

i guess i just can't do it

its been five years

and it still hurts like it was yesterday.

 

[NickCole]

I know exactly how you're feeling even I've felt it for different reasons.

First of all don't wait for others to tell you what's wrong with you. Do it yourself. Take an unsparing look in the mirror. You know who you are and how you behave, and you know what is "good" and what is "bad." Recognize it, confront it, understand where it comes from and change what you need to change. That's an easy paragraph to write for a radically difficult process, but I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

Secondly, letting go is, for some people and that includes me, one of the hardest things in the world to do. Some of us, by our ingrained nature, hold on and on and on. Feels utterly impossible sometimes to let go. It took me fifteen years to let go of three men very important to me -- so long I stopped noticing I hadn't let go of them. And when finally I was ready to let go, my response to letting go was sometimes so messy and obnoxious I lost the friend who helped me the most in getting over those three guys. So then I had THAT loss that I didn't want to let go of! It's a goddamned nightmare sometimes.

But. Letting go, even for us, is do-able and that's the important point. We all do it in our own way so I can't tell you how to do it except that, hidden like a treasure hunt, inside you is all the information you need to get from where you are to where you want to be; what you have to do is find it.

You're in pain and you've been in pain too long. Medication is not the answer -- I know a lot of people today don't agree with me about that but clearly it hasn't been the answer for you.

The answer is in figuring out what's at the root of the pain and dealing with it (also recognizing that where you'll go as you move on is a safe and satisfying place to be). Having help with that can be the difference between failure and success. There's nothing like a loving friend who's able and willing to help, but if that's not available a good therapist or counselor can be very helpful. Resist the hesitation to accept or ask for help when you're ready to do the work of moving on -- I know that hesitation so well and it can be powerful. Fight it. Let someone stand beside you as you navigate rough terrain. When you're in scary territory it's very reassuring to know someone's got your back.

 

[Croynan]

thanks guys.

it's sunday AM, I have to open the nursery by 10, so i'm just checking in quickly.

i DID have a boyfriend that i'm all but entirely out of contact with. for any of you philadelphians, i understand he's doing a lot of volunteering at Food Not Bombs. he'll be hard to miss; he'll be the most beautiful man there. and fortunately for the rest of the gay world, he likes to get naked. a lot. all the young underground kids in Tallahassee knew him as "naked dave." he's a life model.

how things fell apart with HIM is a complex and multi-storied..well.. story. and maybe they haven't really fell completely apart; it's just he's in Philadelphia, and I'm here, and we don't talk much. I still believe he has aspberger's syndrome, but this is not a clinical diagnosis.

and David is only one thread of a very complex ball of yarn. The truth is, about five years ago, I lost every single one of my friends. Every one of them. None of them will admit it, much less tell me why, and central to that very large group of friends is the man (not David) that inspired me to come out of the closet 20 years ago, a man with a 10-year-old-son that once called me "Daddy." This is the man i have occasionally alluded to in posts; it is him or his friends that i am afraid of seeing this and attempting to cause me more pain. This is the man who beat me up, and then put a restraining order on me.... ON ME...."for protection against domestic violence..."

once again, without really explaining why. i mean, if there were something in my social conduct that he found unsavory or dangerous, wouldn't it behoove the rest of society for him (and the rest of his - my former - friends) to say, "I am shunning you, and this is why..." That way, I would have something to reflect on when I considered the loss of my entire support structure, and could at least adjust my actions accordingly?

so, at heart, i guess this is that old tired issue of "letting go.."

i guess i just can't do it

its been five years

and it still hurts like it was yesterday.

I have to openly admit, I do not understand some of what is written up above. For some reason I sense something is missing here,, at it is not deliberate on your part at all. But I just do not seem to get the picture of what this is all about.

Putting that aside for the moment, I am glad to know the work at the nursery is providing you with the comfort level I think you have been seeking. It certainly is reflected in your writing - which I am thrilled to see again.

I think I have to go along with nick cole as to whether some professional assistance is near by and available to you. Maybe it is just me, but I really feel that such assistance could, if you let it, be of such value to you.

I hope that nothing I have said up above is offensive and or hurtful to you in any way and if that has occurred I truly apologize for that. If you feel you would prefer I not make any further comments please do let me know. It is important for both of us..

eM.

 

[ixthrock]

croynan, my wonderful caring friend, i doubt YOU could ever cause me more distress, and that has little to do with feeling like im already so distressed, and more to do with what a gentle soul i consider you to be.

you're right, there are a lot of details missing. this has been years in the making, and includes so many little bits of pain that have built into a major world of hurt.

i havent really had anyone to talk to about it, or maybe its more of a matter that i have been trying to talk about this for years, and the talking has never seemed to help. i have tried the counselling route, on more than one occasion. perhaps there's a bit of "you just haven't found the right therapist yet..." but im just so damn exhausted, and have had such bad experiences with meds - i.e, they didn't really get to the heart of where the hurt comes from, they just muffled it or covered it up in a glaze of undesirable side effects. and with counselors - meh, im just frustrated by the lack of any real fruition on my case; even budget counselors are prohibitively expensive, as well.

i am struggling so hard just to make ends meet right now; i actually keep falling further and further behind on rent, and my sister charges an extremely reasonable rate for a two-bedroom mobile home near the national forest with plenty of room for Elwood to run around in.

i do want to tell this whole story, not so much for the edification of my fellow jubbers, but to try to find some clarity somehow. also, parts of it are downright humiliating - i have done some pretty horrendous things in my life.

if jub will bear with me, i am just going to use this thread to express all of my (probably overly) dramatic agony in, and steel myself from the barbs that are sure to poke my way because of it.

man, i am just feeling really rotten and sorry for myself right now. i hate it.

 

[MRMATTX2]

xthrock, what you are doing here takes a lot of courage.
I feel like I am "bluffing", so to speak, in many aspect of my life also.
If I read you right....it sounds like things are almost boiling up inside the point where you need to just let it all out. Believe me, I can sympathize.

 

[Swellegant]

I would say you are not being fake by keeping positive in your outlook, and expounding a positive attitude here, even if you aren't feeling particularly positive. On the contrary, I find your attitude inspiring, that you have been able to stay upbeat and cheerful through all this bad feeling.

I've always tried to model my behavior, when feeling shitty, on Mercutio from Romeo & Juliet... bleeding to death all over the piazza and cracking jokes at the same time. When I was at the depths of my clinical depression, if people asked me how I was doing, I'd say "I feel like shit, but at least I don't smell like it."

So keep your chin up. Keep smiling through the tears. Don't give in to the demons. It will get better.

 

[ixthrock]

wow, checking back in three months later. man, things have been pretty busy the past three months. I haven't really had time to reflect too deeply about my inner demon.

Ive seen a friend mom of a friend, from long ago. It's been nice, but I still feel like i've got my guard up. I don't mind giving her plants from the nursery, or talking to her honestly about my feelings; i just can't shake the feeling that i'm about to be crept up on from behind and whacked on the head.

but i HAVE been living a little more honestly. I developed a reputation for being sickly (as well as tardy) at work during the summer; i took a day off here and there. I'm still not writing much but oh well.

i've put on a little sudden weight. over 25 years at 140-145 lbs (i kept hoping for 150) and within two months i've acquired 19 pounds, a good portion of which appears to have settled over my bladder in an entirely uncharming little pot. i'm praising jesus for the tits and ass, though.

 

[luminum]

If the advice you give is good, then there's nothing to worry about. Because you're being earnest in what you believe is best at the time.

I always tell people in the coming out forum that if they're worried about their parents that they need to engage them and make them hear it and deal with it, but I can't even get up the nerve to fight with my parents again. Does it make me a hypocrite? I suppose, but I like to think that the advice is good, even if I'm too much of a coward to take it myself. My hope is that at least someone else will be brave enough and take my advice and hopefully make their parent situation better than I seem to be making it.

So don't sweat it. And keeps trong.

My advice is to not try to fake your happiness or well-being. Roll with your feelings. Be unhappy. And after a time, after you accept how you feel and feel adequate that it's being expressed, you'll get through it. Because you'll never have to draw a line of distinction between what you're faking and what you're really feeling, you'll know when you actually are happy and you'll know whwen you're through the storm.

So be unhappy if you're unhappy. You don't owe anyone an act.