I recently ended it with someone, we got in a drunk fight i said id never call again he begged me to stay in contact, i cut off all contact (for both our sakes), he doesnt seem to be taking it well and im conflicted if i should meet him one more time while we are both sober to give him some closure or if I should never meet again: this is what i plan to say if we do meet:
Hey so after spending this last week without talking to you Ive realized a lot of things and I came to the conclusion that we needed a face to face.
Ever since I stopped talking to you and after having this separation, I’ve realize how toxic and how weirdly awful this relationship was for the both of us. I felt so much better and happier after it ended and so free of guilt. But I also realized that i felt lonely not having someone to connect with everyday, someone to share cute messages with and talk about silly things that happened with. Even more than that I realized I want someone who i share my daily life with, someone to say fuck it all and go on road trips with, someone to cry with and laugh with, someone who i day dream about and who day dreams about me and shows it in little ways, and so i realized that maybe you were right, that maybe my long distance relationship is not fulfilling all my needs that maybe i need to really examine that and figure it out; But even though I realized that I missed that daily connection we had I also realized that it wasn’t specifically you that I missed talking to (not that i didn’t enjoy specifically talking to you because I did, you are very funny, but it was more like I was just letting you play a role that i wanted filled).
That made me realize something that I really didn’t want to admit to myself . . . that I’ve been a bad person towards you, that I’ve been using you . . . I’ve been using you for sex and I’ve been using you for attention because frankly it felt good to have someone like me, and call me, and pour affection on me; and I think because of that I let you believe that I liked you more than I did, and when I realized that you were developing feelings, instead of addressing it and setting the record straight i just let it slide, so that i could keep basking in your attention without guilt (which obviously didnt work ). And now that I’ve realized that, its something I’m really sorry about, it something that you don’t deserve and I have to apologize for it. I’ve been on the other side of this and it scarred me for years and i don’t want that damage to be done to you so please know that it has nothing to do with you it was just the wrong place wrong time kind of thing.
On the other side of that, you were using me too, we were both using each other, because you never loved me, you were using the hope and excitement of new love,potential new love, the image of new love to fill a void of loneliness inside you and I was a surrogate for it, but i was never the one that you loved, that you ever really saw, and frankly i think you also liked getting to win sex and affection from me as a stamp of approval and a way to boost your self-esteem. you wanted me to fall in love not because you loved me but because you needed to know someone could love you ( and i think you did it knowing that if i had fallen for you, I would have ended up hurt and in tears, because in the back of your mind you must have known that you didn’t really care for me that way), you were playing out old trauma and i was a doll to reenact with.
And that’s okay because I knew that from the beginning, I knew because I used to be like you, using men’s affection to feel better about myself, so when I saw you do it, I was like score this guy is going to be infatuated with me for a while i can enjoy the ride and when he gets bored or tired I get a clean break. . . win/ win. The thing is Ive been on the other side of that too, and I wished that someone at that point in my life would have seen the pain and hurt and taken the time to help stop my self-destruction instead of using me for a thrill and and sending me off deeper into the spiral of depression, so even though that person never appeared for me I’ve decided to be that person for you, despite not liking you romantically I do like you as a person, and as someone who said I would be your friend, i want to see you healed and happy and I owe it to you to say what I’m about to say because despite all the ugliness of you using me and me using you, and not seeing each other as people but as void shaped plugs, when I look at you I want to help you because I see myself in you, I connect with you.
You are a lovely person who is sweet and kind and intelligent and funny, but all that beauty is warped by all the hurt and damage that you are carrying around, and its not your fault but you have to deal with it or your gonna destroy your life further, when you told me about how your mother beat you and how you father treated you and how they all reacted to you being gay, how lonely you felt, and about the suicide attempts, I knew that i understood you,i know that pain, I’ve lived that pain and I see it mark all over you. I know the pain of being reject and punished for not being “un macho” your whole life,the pain of of always feeling unstable, of always feeling the affection you received to be conditional, i was molested when i was young by a family member, i was beat up, sexually harassed, threatened with violence, most of the people i loved turn their backs on me, my parents were ready to kick me out when they found out I was gay but instead sent me to Jesus camp where i was berated and made to feel like shit a and physiologically broken down until I couldn’t see even the little self- worth i had managed to hold on to despite my childhood, at eight years old I tried my first suicide attempt, I couldn’t believe in love, that someone could ever love me, that I was worth love; I was broken , you can still see the cracks, i didn’t have low self-esteem I had no self-esteem, the only feelings i knew where guilt and shame and constant fear, those three feeling were my entire identity.
And, I did what you are doing now, that thing you told me about letting your cousin pass you around is so symptomatic of that! I looked for love to get me out of that, to save me from that. I didn’t love myself but i thought if I proved that i could be loved, that someone could love me, that I could make other people love me heck even just desire me, then it would mean I was lovable and worthy and that somehow that would make the shame go away, that i would somehow be whole, but that never works out because that is not love; that is desperation that is infatuation that is obsession and it always ends ups leaving you empty and alone. You don’t even really want love you want validation and no one but you, can give yourself that. It doesn’t matter how much love anyone pours into you your are a cup with holes and it will all run out, until you put yourself back together you will never feel whole and filled.
That love that you still hold for your exs, that is not love, its obsession and i guarantee that all though you may feel like it is love and it is romantic to hold on I’m telling you the truth is its just a defense mechanism that lets you build a wall, a wall that allows you to say your not ready to love someone else so you don’t have to be vulnerable, so you don’t have to risk being seen, so that you don’t have to worry about the disappointment past the initial infatuation, so you can date and feel the wonderful bliss that makes you feel so good with a handy excuse ready for when reality eventually sinks in and your faced with real people and not just the fantasy.
But you are right, you are not ready to love anyone, because you don’t understand love, love isn’t infatuation, love doesn’t come in one night, love isn’t the hollywood movies and adele songs love is what comes after the infatuation, love is the everyday, the little things, the commitment through the good and the bad, it is being open and honest and vulnerable and being kind enough ( even when your are feeling insecure)to sooth your partner so they can be open and honest and vulnerable too, it is not self-seeking. Really love is choosing to love someone despite their flaws but you haven’t learned to see past you own so you can’t possibly know how to accept someone elses’.
You are not ready for that, you have love-addiction and you are wasting your life jumping from man to man, infatuation to infatuation because you can’t love yourself, you have to stop. I know that now that we are over, you’ll be going out to the clubs and finding a replacement vessel soon, but as a someone who genuinely wants to see you heal who genuinely want you to find happiness (with no ulterior motive ) I’m telling you, you have to stop ,stop it all,you have to stop texting, stop flirting, stop hooking up, stop self medicating with alcohol and sleeping pills, stop looking for validation outside of yourself in any way, you have to be alone, feel comfortable alone, learn, be sober with yourself, so that you can examine that shame that guilt that pain and let it go, and when you do that, when you confront that shame and that guilt and still accept and love yourself despite it thats when you will know how to love but you have to practice with yourself first, you have to accept yourself where ever you are with what ever imperfection, without using anyone else as a crutch (fake friends and new love interest included) you have to invest in yourself invest in the parts that you don’t like about yourself, find a job become independent be proud of your progress where ever you are on your path. you have to move out, get your own place or live with your family, your relationship with E*** is unhealthy it is codependent and its tearing both of you down you have to stop depending on him for support and accepting his abuses because it is only digging you deeper into that hole. B*** I hurt you I used you and I’m sorry, I took advantage of you because of my own pain and loneliness but I really truly wish only the best for you, I don’t think we should keep in contact, at least for a while because its not healthy for either of us, and even then if we ever meet I need you to know it will never be romantic there will never be love ( i need you to know that, and understand that, for your own good) but there will always be friendship even if we never see each other again i will think of you as a friend but in that time i hope you do not run out and find a new warm body (it won’t be love just like we weren’t in love ), I hope you find warmth from within,please use this as a catalyst, seek professional help, there is no shame in that! and finally live the life that you are capable and worthy of living. Lastly, I said i don’t think we should keep in contact, but if you are ever in real trouble and need help, if you are ever facing a bottle of pills again, please call me, i will help you, i will be there.
Hey so after spending this last week without talking to you Ive realized a lot of things and I came to the conclusion that we needed a face to face.
Ever since I stopped talking to you and after having this separation, I’ve realize how toxic and how weirdly awful this relationship was for the both of us. I felt so much better and happier after it ended and so free of guilt. But I also realized that i felt lonely not having someone to connect with everyday, someone to share cute messages with and talk about silly things that happened with. Even more than that I realized I want someone who i share my daily life with, someone to say fuck it all and go on road trips with, someone to cry with and laugh with, someone who i day dream about and who day dreams about me and shows it in little ways, and so i realized that maybe you were right, that maybe my long distance relationship is not fulfilling all my needs that maybe i need to really examine that and figure it out; But even though I realized that I missed that daily connection we had I also realized that it wasn’t specifically you that I missed talking to (not that i didn’t enjoy specifically talking to you because I did, you are very funny, but it was more like I was just letting you play a role that i wanted filled).
That made me realize something that I really didn’t want to admit to myself . . . that I’ve been a bad person towards you, that I’ve been using you . . . I’ve been using you for sex and I’ve been using you for attention because frankly it felt good to have someone like me, and call me, and pour affection on me; and I think because of that I let you believe that I liked you more than I did, and when I realized that you were developing feelings, instead of addressing it and setting the record straight i just let it slide, so that i could keep basking in your attention without guilt (which obviously didnt work ). And now that I’ve realized that, its something I’m really sorry about, it something that you don’t deserve and I have to apologize for it. I’ve been on the other side of this and it scarred me for years and i don’t want that damage to be done to you so please know that it has nothing to do with you it was just the wrong place wrong time kind of thing.
On the other side of that, you were using me too, we were both using each other, because you never loved me, you were using the hope and excitement of new love,potential new love, the image of new love to fill a void of loneliness inside you and I was a surrogate for it, but i was never the one that you loved, that you ever really saw, and frankly i think you also liked getting to win sex and affection from me as a stamp of approval and a way to boost your self-esteem. you wanted me to fall in love not because you loved me but because you needed to know someone could love you ( and i think you did it knowing that if i had fallen for you, I would have ended up hurt and in tears, because in the back of your mind you must have known that you didn’t really care for me that way), you were playing out old trauma and i was a doll to reenact with.
And that’s okay because I knew that from the beginning, I knew because I used to be like you, using men’s affection to feel better about myself, so when I saw you do it, I was like score this guy is going to be infatuated with me for a while i can enjoy the ride and when he gets bored or tired I get a clean break. . . win/ win. The thing is Ive been on the other side of that too, and I wished that someone at that point in my life would have seen the pain and hurt and taken the time to help stop my self-destruction instead of using me for a thrill and and sending me off deeper into the spiral of depression, so even though that person never appeared for me I’ve decided to be that person for you, despite not liking you romantically I do like you as a person, and as someone who said I would be your friend, i want to see you healed and happy and I owe it to you to say what I’m about to say because despite all the ugliness of you using me and me using you, and not seeing each other as people but as void shaped plugs, when I look at you I want to help you because I see myself in you, I connect with you.
You are a lovely person who is sweet and kind and intelligent and funny, but all that beauty is warped by all the hurt and damage that you are carrying around, and its not your fault but you have to deal with it or your gonna destroy your life further, when you told me about how your mother beat you and how you father treated you and how they all reacted to you being gay, how lonely you felt, and about the suicide attempts, I knew that i understood you,i know that pain, I’ve lived that pain and I see it mark all over you. I know the pain of being reject and punished for not being “un macho” your whole life,the pain of of always feeling unstable, of always feeling the affection you received to be conditional, i was molested when i was young by a family member, i was beat up, sexually harassed, threatened with violence, most of the people i loved turn their backs on me, my parents were ready to kick me out when they found out I was gay but instead sent me to Jesus camp where i was berated and made to feel like shit a and physiologically broken down until I couldn’t see even the little self- worth i had managed to hold on to despite my childhood, at eight years old I tried my first suicide attempt, I couldn’t believe in love, that someone could ever love me, that I was worth love; I was broken , you can still see the cracks, i didn’t have low self-esteem I had no self-esteem, the only feelings i knew where guilt and shame and constant fear, those three feeling were my entire identity.
And, I did what you are doing now, that thing you told me about letting your cousin pass you around is so symptomatic of that! I looked for love to get me out of that, to save me from that. I didn’t love myself but i thought if I proved that i could be loved, that someone could love me, that I could make other people love me heck even just desire me, then it would mean I was lovable and worthy and that somehow that would make the shame go away, that i would somehow be whole, but that never works out because that is not love; that is desperation that is infatuation that is obsession and it always ends ups leaving you empty and alone. You don’t even really want love you want validation and no one but you, can give yourself that. It doesn’t matter how much love anyone pours into you your are a cup with holes and it will all run out, until you put yourself back together you will never feel whole and filled.
That love that you still hold for your exs, that is not love, its obsession and i guarantee that all though you may feel like it is love and it is romantic to hold on I’m telling you the truth is its just a defense mechanism that lets you build a wall, a wall that allows you to say your not ready to love someone else so you don’t have to be vulnerable, so you don’t have to risk being seen, so that you don’t have to worry about the disappointment past the initial infatuation, so you can date and feel the wonderful bliss that makes you feel so good with a handy excuse ready for when reality eventually sinks in and your faced with real people and not just the fantasy.
But you are right, you are not ready to love anyone, because you don’t understand love, love isn’t infatuation, love doesn’t come in one night, love isn’t the hollywood movies and adele songs love is what comes after the infatuation, love is the everyday, the little things, the commitment through the good and the bad, it is being open and honest and vulnerable and being kind enough ( even when your are feeling insecure)to sooth your partner so they can be open and honest and vulnerable too, it is not self-seeking. Really love is choosing to love someone despite their flaws but you haven’t learned to see past you own so you can’t possibly know how to accept someone elses’.
You are not ready for that, you have love-addiction and you are wasting your life jumping from man to man, infatuation to infatuation because you can’t love yourself, you have to stop. I know that now that we are over, you’ll be going out to the clubs and finding a replacement vessel soon, but as a someone who genuinely wants to see you heal who genuinely want you to find happiness (with no ulterior motive ) I’m telling you, you have to stop ,stop it all,you have to stop texting, stop flirting, stop hooking up, stop self medicating with alcohol and sleeping pills, stop looking for validation outside of yourself in any way, you have to be alone, feel comfortable alone, learn, be sober with yourself, so that you can examine that shame that guilt that pain and let it go, and when you do that, when you confront that shame and that guilt and still accept and love yourself despite it thats when you will know how to love but you have to practice with yourself first, you have to accept yourself where ever you are with what ever imperfection, without using anyone else as a crutch (fake friends and new love interest included) you have to invest in yourself invest in the parts that you don’t like about yourself, find a job become independent be proud of your progress where ever you are on your path. you have to move out, get your own place or live with your family, your relationship with E*** is unhealthy it is codependent and its tearing both of you down you have to stop depending on him for support and accepting his abuses because it is only digging you deeper into that hole. B*** I hurt you I used you and I’m sorry, I took advantage of you because of my own pain and loneliness but I really truly wish only the best for you, I don’t think we should keep in contact, at least for a while because its not healthy for either of us, and even then if we ever meet I need you to know it will never be romantic there will never be love ( i need you to know that, and understand that, for your own good) but there will always be friendship even if we never see each other again i will think of you as a friend but in that time i hope you do not run out and find a new warm body (it won’t be love just like we weren’t in love ), I hope you find warmth from within,please use this as a catalyst, seek professional help, there is no shame in that! and finally live the life that you are capable and worthy of living. Lastly, I said i don’t think we should keep in contact, but if you are ever in real trouble and need help, if you are ever facing a bottle of pills again, please call me, i will help you, i will be there.
