I've just come out to my parents and I feel worse than ever

[Irish Queer]

OK

I'm sort f out as I told my parents I needed time to sort my head and and make sure I was Gay. OK I know I am but I just said this anyway they were actually very good about it but the thing is I really feel worse for telling them than I did when I bottled everything up. Why is that comming out is supposed to be a weight of your shoulders why do I feel weigheddown even more?

 

[rareboy]

Oh pooh, it is just post traumatic stress disorder. Congratulations for getting it out in the open and congrats to your p's for being good about it. I suspect that your pangs have something to do with misguided notions about having disappointed them or some such nonsense.

It isn't as though the clouds part and the sun breaks out because you come out if you have other issues that still need resolving about being gay.

I think you're a hero and now you can just focus on getting on with your life without thinking that there is this huge elephant in the room when you're with your parents. Give them a little bit of time to come to terms with all this though and be really understanding if they have bizarre questions or irrational concerns.

 

[hotncool]

It's a temporary feeling. Living your life in honesty will allow you to overcome the confusion and upset that occurs when dealing with family matters. It was a courageous act.

 

[spreadeagle]

Possibly because now that you've put the information out there you've created an obligation to yourself , in the eyes of your family and in the eyes of the world, to act in a way that is congruent with the label you've given yourself. In other words, now that you're 'gay' you have to give some thought to what that means to you and what implications that has for the way you choose to operate in the world.

Human beings are addicted to the security of the familiar and it's always going to feel more comfortable to let things just remain the way they've been in the past than to do anything that requires change - but Life is a process of constant change and adaptation, and without change there can never be any progress.

 

[Eagle653]

I had a lot of post coming out jitters too. Something very personal, that you've taken great pains to hide your whole life is now out in the open and subject to conversation. Plus, dealing with any sexual issue with one's parents is hardly a cosy time around the fireplace.

Give yourself time. You have to get used to them knowing. When I told people, the people I told were much more comfortable knowing it and knowing this about me than I was them knowing it and me comfortable with myself. I think it's natural.

Quickly, you'll all get used to the idea and you'll be used to them knowing. Then, the awkward feelings will disppear and you WILL feel the relief that you don't have to watch what you say and cover your tracks all the time. I promise!

 

[Irish Queer]

Thanks all,, You know my Da was kinda proud of me he said that must have been the biggest things I'd to face in my life. I almost cried although I've been doing that all day.

Another question should I text a friend who I work with and let her know she's off sick with depression and know this juicy piece of gossip about myself will help her and in all honesty she's known even though I kind of denied it to her.

 

[rareboy]

I recommend telling friends in person or on the phone instead of text message.

 

[Soilwork]

You feel worse because instead of coming out, you didn't... you put a toe out and gave yourself a way back into the closet.

come all the way out, shut the door behind you and you'll feel better.

 

[spreadeagle]

If you're thinking of the news of your sexual orientation as 'a juicy piece of gossip' then I wouldn't recommend telling your depressed friend about it.

Just stop and think for a moment....

You're expressing your anxiety about feeling let-down over your coming out but your proposing something that will guarantee more people knowing that you are gay. Do you have any reason for expecting that that you'll get different results from coming out to your friends when you came out to your family? In my experience identical actions usually lead to identical results.

Depression is often a result of low self-esteem. I don't see how your friend knowing about your predicament is going to do anything to lift her out of her own despair - especially if your experince of being gay has been negative. If you truly want to help her you could mention about how perceptive she was in identifying your orientation, how much that helped you in being able to acknowledge it you yourself and to your parents and how you feel that has brought you and your father closer together.

I really think you should capitalise on this opportunity to get closer with your father. So that he is reassured that you're still the same son and so that the new atmosphere of honesty and openess in the home can form a firm foundation for any other iussues that the family might need to face going forwards.

 

[luminum]

I agree with Soil. You didn't come out entirely, you just told your parents that yoou're sorting things out and you'll let them know if you're gay or not. Coming out is an affirmaion. What you did was just inform them that you're unsure. When you tell them that yes, you are gay (assuming you know that you are, too) and you release this truth to others, then you'll lose the anxiety. You're still expecting them to not understand when you finally really do come out, so you feel no relief. At least now your dad has told you that if you were, he'd be okay (assuming that's what he meant instead of being proud of you for 'admitting you had a problem' or something).

 

[Riverrick]

I had a lot of post coming out jitters too. Something very personal, that you've taken great pains to hide your whole life is now out in the open and subject to conversation. Plus, dealing with any sexual issue with one's parents is hardly a cosy time around the fireplace.

Give yourself time. You have to get used to them knowing. When I told people, the people I told were much more comfortable knowing it and knowing this about me than I was them knowing it and me comfortable with myself. I think it's natural.

Quickly, you'll all get used to the idea and you'll be used to them knowing. Then, the awkward feelings will disppear and you WILL feel the relief that you don't have to watch what you say and cover your tracks all the time. I promise!

I think this is the right answer of why you feel the way you do.

You've exposed this well kept secret and now you're really vulnerable. Hopefully your parents will continue to treat the matter with respect and soon you'll feel better.

As for the friend, are you sure you are ready to tell someone else so soon?

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Irish,

Mate...coming out is such an individual thing...theres no formula to tell you how things will be for you and how you'll feel once you've done it. What I can assure you though is that its the right thing to do...the only thing to do to be true to yourself. Time will change how you feel and how you look back at this moment...

For now though you need to understand that you're ok. In fact that youre better than ok. You're a guy who s loved and valued by his family and loved ones...you're a guy whos found the strength and courage to start living his life openly and truthfully. You're a guy who articulate and passionate...compassionate and full of real emotion.

And you're a guy who's gay.

And thats ok. And its ok to struggle with it. Its ok to wonder and have doubts. Its ok to think about what it means and the changes you'll face.

Rarley is the emotion so real until the day we come out. Thoughts that we had running through our minds suddenly become reality. Issues that were imagined become real. Changes that seemed unlikely are now right before you.

And its ok to feel overwhelmed.

They way you left it a little open with you parents shows like most of us at your stage the struggle you're having between knowing who you are...and who you thought you should be. The struggle of understanding that you cant deny it anymore but you dont want to let go of the faint hope that its not true.

Dont worry. In your heart you know who you are. And you know that it might be a struggle and it might be hard. You've found the strength to start the conversation with your parents.... now its time to find it again and finish it.

Tell them you know you are...that you do have fears, that you do still have to figure out what it means. Let them know how much you value you them and thier help and support...the moral support that your father has already shown you. Let them help you and guide as much as they can and you want.

These things dont make you weak or different or less capable. They make you human. They make you real.

Your life is waiting for you to become all you can be Irish. Its waiting for you to fulfill that awesome promise and potential that you hold. Now with your first tentative steps you started down the path of finding the freedom, love and connection you deserve.

Keep walking tall with your head up knowing that you are not different weird or strange. You are an amazing guy...who happens to be gay.

And theres nothing wrong with that.