I've Never Been More Confused/Hurt

[angedy]

I don't mind because i'm trying to start new myself.

there were boundaries i put up for her and she agreed. She wouldn't talk to the person she cheated me with, she would let me know where she was when she went out alone. (she came up with this and i accepted). No more weed for her and i threw her reserve she had stocked at my place in the garbage. (she regularly smoked one but i do not smoke). There were more but i can't remember right now.

Its good that when you are down he wants to make you feel good again, she didn't do that to me and we grew further away from each other.

Thanks for all of your help. This has helped me quite a lot. Yesterday no matter what, i could not smile. I wanted the ground to open up and eat me, to end my pain and this suffering. He stood by me all day and comforted me. I know he cares deeply for me, maybe not in a relationship-kinda way, but he does care and he is willing to change. Speaking with you and others here has helped me greatly as well. Just a few moments ago, I smiled genuinely for the first time in a week. It's been a though week. One I do not wish to repeat.

 

[angedy]

Seasoned hit upon the important point: before you make a decision to stay or leave, you both need to decide what it is that you're trying to save. Unless you both are calling it a committed relationship, there's nothing to save.

The other thing to note is that you've listed things that he needs to work on. Having seen a few of these situations over the years, there's usually things that need to be worked on in both parties in the relationship. This is where a good therapist is helpful to help identify the things that both people need to address (one of which is almost always communication).

Thanks for this great clarification KaraBulut! I will make sure to hit this point with him today again. Yesterday we did talk about it, but not enough. I was emotionally exhausted and with the flu, he is sick as well. It doesn't help at all. I want him to open up to me more, to let me in. This has been a bit of a struggle with him, and it's not because he doesn't trust me. It's part of who he is. He is not emotionally in touch with himself and likes to maintain this tough appearance, when deep inside he can be hurting a lot. He know he has my full support with this and I'm here for him. Hopefully after this, we can be stronger together and work to make each other happy.

 

[dolidee]

I'm glad we put a smile on your face

 

[Seasoned]

I'm worried for you because you're not allowing yourself to be comforted and you're reliving this all in your mind over and over. Now, what exactly happened? Was he messaging someone and being titilated or did he have sex outside what you thought was a monogamous relationship?

Either way you will survive this but right now you're obsessing and aren't ready to move on. Reliving it in your head means you have some desire to keep hurting. If this continues I suggest you find a good therapist for yourself independent of him. I'm seeing a lot of me as I was 30+ years ago. Even though I was 37 I discovered I was emotionally immature, thinking my new relationship had solved all my problems. That's the sense I'm getting from you. Relationships to me are the opposite of problem solvers. They help us face ourselves and our problems in the company of someone who knows us better than anyone else. But, see? We fall in love not with a clone but a very different, no matter the similarities, person on his similar, but different journey.

It's not up to my husband to make me happy. In fact, I'm happy or unhappy independent of him. Sure, we learn not to intentionally piss one another off, but guess what? We're not mind readers and we are complex and we make mistakes and we're not necessarily exactly the same day to day.

We all need to remember when we fall in love that we fell in love with a person and not with our idea of what love means to us. I don't see, at age 69, that life is something to get though unscathed. All the dings and dents mold us into what we become, which, hopefully, is something more rich and learned than how we started. Pain is a warning. When it's physical and doesn't go away it gets us to the doctor. Don't stay in emotional pain without seeking help.

And stop worrying about what he might and might not do and instead work on a genuine and sincere belief that you will be ok no matter what he does. The relationship might not, but you will if you work on yourself.

 

[dolidee]

I'm worried for you because you're not allowing yourself to be comforted and you're reliving this all in your mind over and over. Now, what exactly happened? Was he messaging someone and being titilated or did he have sex outside what you thought was a monogamous relationship?

Either way you will survive this but right now you're obsessing and aren't ready to move on. Reliving it in your head means you have some desire to keep hurting. If this continues I suggest you find a good therapist for yourself independent of him. I'm seeing a lot of me as I was 30+ years ago. Even though I was 37 I discovered I was emotionally immature, thinking my new relationship had solved all my problems. That's the sense I'm getting from you. Relationships to me are the opposite of problem solvers. They help us face ourselves and our problems in the company of someone who knows us better than anyone else. But, see? We fall in love not with a clone but a very different, no matter the similarities, person on his similar, but different journey.

It's not up to my husband to make me happy. In fact, I'm happy or unhappy independent of him. Sure, we learn not to intentional piss one another off, but guess what? We're not mind readers and we are complex and we make mistakes and we're not necessarily exactly the same day to day.

We all need to remember when we fall in love that we fell in love with a person and not with our idea of what love means to us. I don't see, at age 69, that life is something to get though unscathed. All the dings and dents mold us into what we become, which, hopefully, is something more rich and learned than how we started. Pain is a warning. When it's physical and doesn't go away it gets us to the doctor. Don't stay in emotional pain without seeking help.

And stop worrying about what he might and might not do and instead work on a genuine and sincere belief that you will be ok do matter what he does. The relationship might not, but you will if you work on yourself.

wow, you made me seriously think about that for my future.

thanks seasoned

Oli

 

[angedy]

I'm worried for you because you're not allowing yourself to be comforted and you're reliving this all in your mind over and over. Now, what exactly happened? Was he messaging someone and being titilated or did he have sex outside what you thought was a monogamous relationship?

Either way you will survive this but right now you're obsessing and aren't ready to move on. Reliving it in your head means you have some desire to keep hurting. If this continues I suggest you find a good therapist for yourself independent of him. I'm seeing a lot of me as I was 30+ years ago. Even though I was 37 I discovered I was emotionally immature, thinking my new relationship had solved all my problems. That's the sense I'm getting from you. Relationships to me are the opposite of problem solvers. They help us face ourselves and our problems in the company of someone who knows us better than anyone else. But, see? We fall in love not with a clone but a very different, no matter the similarities, person on his similar, but different journey.

It's not up to my husband to make me happy. In fact, I'm happy or unhappy independent of him. Sure, we learn not to intentional piss one another off, but guess what? We're not mind readers and we are complex and we make mistakes and we're not necessarily exactly the same day to day.

We all need to remember when we fall in love that we fell in love with a person and not with our idea of what love means to us. I don't see, at age 69, that life is something to get though unscathed. All the dings and dents mold us into what we become, which, hopefully, is something more rich and learned than how we started. Pain is a warning. When it's physical and doesn't go away it gets us to the doctor. Don't stay in emotional pain without seeking help.

And stop worrying about what he might and might not do and instead work on a genuine and sincere belief that you will be ok do matter what he does. The relationship might not, but you will if you work on yourself.

Hi again Seasoned and thank you for everything. I will make it short, we never officially became partners, and after multiple conversations he mentioned that we were only good friends. At the same time I was under the impression that we would not be sexually involved with others and would try to establish a relationship after moving in together. We have shared so much together this past year that I let myself believe that we were officially together. Of course he had a different mindset and never told me about it. I feel disrespected by him. Minimally he could have told me what he planned to do, and this would have been easier. He decided to not tell me and met twice with this other guy. Both times were for sex. Right now I'm taking things day by day as I am sick and so is he. My health is my priority. I want to see once my mind is clear what I will decide to do in the end. I spoke with him and he did say that he was ready for commitment, and wanted me.

 

[angedy]

Good day to everyone. Another night has gone by and little by little I'm recouperating from the flu. Also I feel a bit more stable and very little hesitation with things. Of course I've been off of work and have a lot of time, which does not help and I find myself with nothing to do. I have to work on this in general and find some hobbies. Work starts tomorrow, so that may help. Thank you again for allowing me to talk and giving me your advice and feedback.

 

[dolidee]

glad we could help.

Oli

 

[angedy]

glad we could help.

Oli

Thank you Oli, how are you doing today?

 

[dolidee]

Thank you Oli, how are you doing today?

I've posted it in my thread. (its rather long)

Oli