J0rdan - Archived Blog posts

[j0rdan]

Isn't it odd - that with each generation born, we attempt to correct the flaws of our parents, in ourselves?

It's almost as if we're self repairing machines of sorts; these parallels I find, between the two, are odd - in a revealing kind of way..

..but for those of us who've had a terrible past - because of the flaws in the originals (parents), and are concious of it; it is that which makes us strive, with every fibre of our being, to not only be 'unlike' them, but to be so much more - so that we in turn, may 'not only' have the lives that we've always sought after, but the ones we've only seen ~ in our dreams ~


*sigh*


..sometimes I wonder - if these are simply the ramblings of a madman, or just the reflections of a soul trying to find it's way 'again', for a second time in its journey, in a world that has always, been 'crazed'...

 

[j0rdan]

So far, *almost every gay guy I've met online or in real life has turned out to be a real disappointment.

The disappointment is not so much that friendships or anything else didn't result in the end; but in how pesimistic/bitter/dysfunctional the majority of them seem to be.

The most disturbing part of all for me is that the only thing in common that these guys have between them is that they're all 'gay'. So far I have yet to see such a high correllation with straight/'normal' acting people exhibiting the same characteristics (i.e. being bitter/pesimistic about anything and everything).

It's as though as if all these gay guys - especially the young and young-ish ones have all given up on life before it even started; what the heck is wrong with them all?

Oh, and not to mention my most favourite characteristic of them all - if you're not *HOTTT*, there's no need to talk to you - period; how much more superficial can they get? I mean all these 'guys' seem to be as bad or 'worse' than their stereo-typical blond airheaded female counterparts (i.e. with their superficial lives, conversations, ideas and wants).

Just peering more into the so called 'gay world' seems to be more disappointing by the day. I have yet to meet a good amount of guys that're gay, who've been through hardships or not, and who keep looking forward for the future they want or will create for themselves.

*sigh* to tell you the truth, they all seem so whiney and cry baby-like with no hope of anything - just because life didn't go their way initially.

But so what? My life didn't start out anything near positive, until my pre-adult years when I was finally made, and allowed to accept that my dad was a child abuser, and that what he was doing to me was wrong - through his sister (who I went to stay with for awhile, while in fear of my life from him).

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N.B. I realized from the first day he started beating the crap out of me for no reason at all that something was wrong, especially since I *literally didn't do anything to get into trouble.
I tried telling my mom a couple times, but she would just take my hand, bring me before him and simply ask if it was true, then you can guess his answer, and in which case she would drop my hand each time and walk off, then you can guess what was in store for me next.
After so many years of physical, mental and emotional torment (since age 7 until 18 ); one tends to forget what is right and wrong within the first year or so, with trying hard to resist the lies and mental manipulation of an adult, not to mention a kid trying to hold on to his sanity at 7 years old (when his core values and such aren't even set - I'm at lost for words at the moment due to being tired while writing this).
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Back on topic:
The point here is, that the only reason why anything remotely positive has been happening in my life - is because I so desperately want it, and I'm willing to go out there and work at making the life for myself that I so desperately wanted as a child -> a loving, caring family where there is no screaming, shouting, fighting or hurting, and where one would only be sorround by the people he/she loves; ultimately finding the place that he can call 'home' - the one that he so desperately sought after.

My main point: It's very disturbing and downright depressing to see how all these 'men' (if you can even call them that) are so pesimistic, bitter or dysfuntional even more so than the average person.

Life is what you make it, and depending on how badly one wants something out of life, he or she will get it no matter what - because they are determined to no matter how bad things may seem.

If we forget how to dream, how do we know we're still alive?


On that note, I shall close off with the fact that I have yet to meet nice, intelligent, unsuperficial guy who's around my age, in Toronto - who isn't looking into getting into someone else's pants first.

 

[j0rdan]

~My Friend~

~ Where arth thou my friend,
whose name I can call un-end,
for all time we spend,
our friendship never ends ~


Life is a lonely road, the paths we take are the decisions we make;
but ultimately, it is us that make our own decisions, and thus the lives we live.

The time when We Want better for ourselves, is the time We Chose to Make things better Ourselves.

Real change is never easy to come by,
the road ahead is long and hard;
but do we give up, and fall into the abyss that is time?
Or do we keep on Striving for that better day?

The choice is, and has always been - Ours..

 

[j0rdan]

*Sigh*, using online sites to find people 'even merely just' for friendships seems to be impossible - as the majority seem to only have their heads in their pants as to who they will talk to based on whether or not they want to get in their pants ; which is rather disgusting, revolting and a sorry sight all at once.

Those Jubbers who have been kind enough to give me ideas as to where to look, have been very insightful; but I have yet to find the time to get around to those places as school has been keeping my hands full for the moment.

Hopefully though, this summer when I'm not at work - I'll be able to go venturing out and meet some quality, un-scene-like people, just for friendships at the very least; It's been very hard for me finding socialable and friendly people of the same orientation - Just a fact, even if its a sad one

Oh well, life goes on; and as usual, I keep trying to make it past each and every day - even though I barely have the strenght in me nowadays..

 

[j0rdan]

Today on my way to work, I was walking by someone on the subway floor - begging for help; I felt so bad doing that because I wanted to help;
but I didn't know what to do other than give what I have in somewhat ample supply right now, and because he was a man, I felt that he might take it and drink his sorrows away, so I just kept walking to work (which i was late for).

I kept thinking about why was it that I gave money to that lady playing the piano in the subway the otherday, and not this man - because women and men alike do drink (regardless of any stereotypes).

It troubled me that I wasn't able to 'really' help this person in need- as it is the right thing to do for people who aren't as fortunate as ourselves; and although I'd like to admit that is the sole reason I wanted to help, it wasn't, as I myself came very close to sleeping on the streets..at one time.

On my way home, as I neared this same person again, down on his luck, I felt so ashamed, so ashamed of a society that turns a blind eye to a person in need; so ashamed of a society that turns a deaf ear to a crying plead.

I turned back before I reached him - to figure out what little I could do to alleviate some of his pain..

Realizing that instead of giving him money to get something to eat with, with the possibility of him getting a drink - I could just get the food for him directly.

As I tried ordering the food at the nearby supermarket, I had to keep repeating myself - as the lady who was serving was hesitant to comply, stating that it costs more.

But after tiring of her hesitation, I told her I really didn't care about the money, and she glady obliged - though it saddened me; that all this world cares about is money;

but regardless, and regardless of the fact that I hadn't eaten anything but cereal the whole day; I went ahead, paid for the food, and brought it to him.

But, as I approached him again, I was overcomed with fear, fear of something of my past - that I wasn't able to give him in his hand as I would've liked; but instead, put it right infront of him and told him that I bought him some food and something to drink.

That was a hard thing to do - not being able to give this person in his hand, as he is not a dog or something to be shunned, but a person too, an individual with all the rights, feelings, thoughts, cares and sorrows as anyone else.

I yearn for the day when all the true cries of those in need, are quelled by the one who will heed...