Jealous over friends new friend

[PrinceCory]

They had partys without me they said it's because I don't have a car and they didn't think to come get me. I just shrug it off as no big deal. They made it up to me and I went over there on the weekend.

And what is the deal with you not having a car? It sounds like it may be a necessity where you live. It is here. Living in a small town everything except convenience stores are all located at one end of town. So it is miles to walk if you need groceries, clothing, or whatever. There is no public transportation to speak of around here.

I had a friend who for the first 3 years were were great friends, his car was broken down (hole in oil pan). Whenever we hung out I would go and pickup him up...and take him home. He could have saved money to fix his car, but his cigarettes, weed, and Pepsi was more important to him.

 

[Croft85]

And what is the deal with you not having a car? It sounds like it may be a necessity where you live. It is here. Living in a small town everything except convenience stores are all located at one end of town. So it is miles to walk if you need groceries, clothing, or whatever. There is no public transportation to speak of around here.

I had a friend who for the first 3 years were were great friends, his car was broken down (hole in oil pan). Whenever we hung out I would go and pickup him up...and take him home. He could have saved money to fix his car, but his cigarettes, weed, and Pepsi was more important to him.

Haha cigarettes, Weed and Pepsi sounds a lot like Buzz lol. I do have a car but it's broke down the mechanic is so backed up I've been waiting a month and a half to get it fixed. I've been walking to the store or someone takes me

 

[PrinceCory]

Oh, okay, my impression was that your situation with your good friend had been going on for quite some time when you mention him saving you last year from harming yourself.

There is no shame in having your car break down....it happens!

 

[mcbrion]

So, after re-reading this, do I have this right?
Buzz, Woody and the two girlfriends all live in the same place?

In those circumstances, Buzz and Woody, by default, see each other every single day because they're roommates? That creates an intimacy all by itself. One would expect two (straight) guys who get along, and have common interests, to develop a close relationship.

But what about your other friends? Or is the issue that you only have one friend, Buzz and no one else you like to hang out with? You're attracted to Buzz. Fine. But do you have other friends?

 

[Croft85]

Buzz use to live next door to me and we had a bromance. He did the same thing he did with Woody and told how much he loves me like a brother and he would even fake flirt with me before he knew I was bi. Well back in October of 2017 buzz has a Halloween party and that's when he met Woody, the moment I met Woody I automatically felt like I was being replaced, I even told Buzz's girlfriend and she told me I was just overreacting which I probably am. I've never gotten over it .I talked to buzz about it when he was sober and he told me "I know you're worried about being replaced but I want you to know I love you're my brother and I would never do that" but my insecurities would never let it go, I held on to it till one day I overreacted and we stopped being friends for about a month ,we made up but I've always felt like our friendship was hanging by a thread even though I have no reason to think that.

 

[mcbrion]

Thanks, but the response is unclear. Do Buzz and Woody live in the same house with their girlfriends? That's what it sounds like in your initial post.

 

[Croft85]

Thanks, but the response is unclear. Do Buzz and Woody live in the same house with their girlfriends?

Yes they do. And Woody's gf is Buzz's sister and to answer your other question ive never really had friends before so all this is new to me.

 

[checkinthingsout]

Yes they do. And Woody's gf is Buzz's sister and to answer your other question ive never really had friends before so all this is new to me.

I think you should focus on finding and making gay friends, and defining yourself. On a some level, it is harder for you to relate to Buzz than Woody because you are not straight, you do not have a girlfriend or partner, and that partner is not someone Buzz also knows intimately, as is the case with Woody. You will be able to make stronger connections with other gay people because you will have had a unique shared experience: coming out.

Furthermore, if you continue to find and define yourself, you may find that Buzz may like you more for the ways in which you are different, and as someone who can bring a different perspective to his world, which is unlikely the case with Woody who seems very similar to Buzz. This was the case with my straight friends after I came out. It is as if you are allowing your friendship to evolve, based on the fact that you are/have changed since coming out. For me, it created stronger friendships, because of the level of intimacy others felt comfortable sharing with me. This was a far cry from our H/S days when I was still pretending to enjoy strip clubs .
Allow yourself to evolve, and allow your friendships to do the same.

 

[Croft85]

So I think I ruined my chances of ever hanging out at Buzz's place last time I was we all got drunk my jealousy took over. I don't remember alot but me Buzzand Woody got in to a fight. It only lasted for less then a minute me, Buzz and Woody made up that night but now I think Buzz's sister is still mad. So I probably ruined my chances of getting back. And now I have talked to Buzz in like a week and a half but he probably just lost phone survive

 

[SeaCore]

So you're probably right, at least for now, that going over to Buzz's probably isn't in the cards.
Though it might not be as bad as you think. It wouldn't be a bad idea to go a little more in-depth into what exactly happened.

I think there's a valuable lesson here about alcohol, of all things. There's no shame in drinking alcohol. It helps lower some of your inhibitions and sometimes that's what you want. There's nothing wrong with that. But that doesn't happen in a vacuum. There can be consequences to acting out on thoughts you ordinarily wouldn't, there's a reason you normally wouldn't. And it's worth considering if you are in an environment or an emotional state where acting out will come back to bite you.

I get it, there was a social component where you probably wanted to be a part of the fun and relax some of the other issues you were dealing with. But it's just not a good idea to drink around people you dislike. Especially when they're drunk too. Because now both of you are prone to being reactionary. You're both more likely to escalate because that is just what our brains tend to do when the frontal lobe is given a vacation.

You might have to make amends with Woody and Buzz's sibling. But you need to be able to do it with sincerity and you need to give them the time. You also need to be able to cope with the possibility of them not accepting your apology. The apology is for them, not you.
You may have to make amends with Buzz too. Sorry to hear that things wound up like this. I hope you're able to land back on your feet and recover from it.

Can you think of any other takeaways from this? I figure if you're going to have to deal with a negative outcome you should at least be able to get a better understanding of yourself from it!

 

[Croft85]

So you're probably right, at least for now, that going over to Buzz's probably isn't in the cards.
Though it might not be as bad as you think. It wouldn't be a bad idea to go a little more in-depth into what exactly happened.

I'm not 100% sure on what happened. We were out side and when Buzz gave Woody the "declaration of love" I got upset and said I was walking home ( it's 13miles ) and it was raining I wound up got it getting hit in the eye, Buzz puts me in a choke hold but not actually hunrting me he said "You need to calm down your your mad hit me. Taught you how to get out of this come on hit me" I did and Buzz said "now do you feel better?"
He carried me back. I said I was sorry. He said "it's no big deal shit happens no one died we're good". I apologized a lot to them and their girlfriends and we all went to sleep. The next day I apologized again to Buzz's girlfriend and she said "your good, you said you were sorry like 100 times last night and if you do it again I'm going to mach your other eye" haha

 

[jaysizzles]

I'm not 100% sure on what happened. We were out side and when Buzz gave Woody the "declaration of love" I got upset and said I was walking home ( it's 13miles ) and it was raining I wound up got it getting hit in the eye, Buzz puts me in a choke hold but not actually hunrting me he said "You need to calm down your your mad hit me. Taught you how to get out of this come on hit me" I did and Buzz said "now do you feel better?"
He carried me back. I said I was sorry. He said "it's no big deal shit happens no one died we're good". I apologized a lot to them and their girlfriends and we all went to sleep. The next day I apologized again to Buzz's girlfriend and she said "your good, you said you were sorry like 100 times last night and if you do it again I'm going to mach your other eye" haha

Shit like that happens when too much alcohol is involved...I bet they're all over it. Trust Buzz when he said it's "no big deal" and "we're good". I like how his girlfriend joked with you about socking you in the eye...that is something you can laugh about with them. And honestly, I wouldn't avoid them...I'd make arrangement to hang with them again as soon as it's convenient. You are a group of friends now, not just Buzz's friend....but the effort to be part of the group has to mostly come from you since you're the one that lives far away. They may razz you about it when you hang with them again, just take it in stride and laugh it off (like you did here "haha".) If you're unsure and still feel the need to make amends, perhaps bring them a bottle of wine, case of beer, or treat them to a pizza next time you're over.

They all know you're gay...right? When the opportunity arises when you're hanging out, have a conversation with just the girls, or one of them, about how you'd like to have a boyfriend but are not having luck finding a guy or even just gay friends. Sharing personal information like that will help them to understand you more and perhaps bring you closer. You get in good with the girls and you're golden. They may even know someone to fix you up with...you never know.

One last thing...get your car fixed!

 

[Croft85]

Thanks for all the advice I do have Good news to share I did make a new friend last week we went to high School together. But we never talked then I was to shy. He is str8 sadly but oh well.

 

[Croft85]

Bad news about getting my car fixed. the guy had refused to work with me. that asshloe kept me wait two months just to tell me he's not going to fix it.

 

[Croft85]

So I don't know what going on with me and Buzz. We haven't talked in about a month. He said he lost phone service but he logs in to messager after about 20 hours he read my message I sent him tell about my car. And a meme I sent but will not talk to me he read them at 12 pm and was on 37 minutes ago. Is it stupid I feel so hurt he use to talk every day. Even if he only texed "lol" I asked him if he found a job yet and he still didn't reply.

 

[texan_slant]

Hey, so this is common, and happens to many of us out there, so you are surely not alone. Even before finishing this thread, it was pretty obvious to me that feelings are involved
(there is nothing wrong with that!).

I am one of those gays who falls completely head-over-heals for inaccessible straight guys. I am no longer friends with a couple of them; and still best friends with like three of 'em, fortunately. Historically, I am also one who knew that my man-crushes weren't accessible, so I never pushed the boundaries on the outside, because I always felt like the risk wasn't worth it in exchange for life-long friendships. Unfortunately, though, I always had to internalize my feelings, angst, and unrequited love, and it was turmoil, however, in each and every situation, I just worked through it until I fell out of love.

As I have gotten older, I have also learned that friendships (or ANY kind of relationship, whether it be friendship, partner, spouse, familial) are hardly ever permanent, esp without a give and take. Yeah, in familial relationships, you are bound by blood, but if you dig deep, that doesn't necessarily mean that there is a true relationship there. With regards to FRIENDSHIPS, there are categories. I always abide by this mantra -

1. Friends for a reason
2. Friends for a season
3. Friends for a lifetime
https://considerthisradioshow.com/reason-season-lifetime/

In other words, ppl naturally fall into our out of your life, regardless of the efforts you put into it - because it has to be a two way street from the receiving end. If there is an imbalance, it's OK, but you have to be OK with it, and that energy you spend has to be worth it to you.

With my own friends, I have my own boundaries with regards to tolerance; if it's not worth it to me, I let them go. It's not out of anger, or any fault of there's, and normally there is no argument, but it has to be worth my time, because once you give someone your time, you can't have it back. I delete contacts regularly, every year. This is my mantra - if I don't contact them - will I ever hear from them again? Who's going to pick up the phone to gimme a call? Most of the time, good friendships are far and few between, and if it's a strong friendship, it will last a lifetime. That doesn't necessarily mean that you see them all the time, and talk every day, because a definition of a frienship means something different to everyone, so there has to be some sort of common bond and understanding of what that is.

It's OK to consider him a friend, still, if the dynamics have changed, but you have to work through it and accept it, because it's a circumstance beyond your control; you've laid it on the line, and the rest is up to him. Whatever friendship Buzz and Woody have is THERE's. They own it. As do you own your friendship with Buzz. Over time, think about what made it tick in the past, and what will make it tick moving forward. If the only thing is that has kept it going are the feelings that you have for him (that aren't reciprocated), which isn't his ownus, then the friendship is on a shaky foundation, but that doesn't mean that you will lose it. Again, friendships, as with ANY relationships, are constantly changing, are dynamic, and builds on itself over time. If it is strong enough, maybe it will last a lifetime! ...but you never know.

You can't have any expectations on Buzz. It's best to have quality of time by staying off the alcohol. Respect boundaries, if only to not become too dependent. But also respect his friendship with Woody, learn to live with it; don't think too much into every single one of his actions, and "roll with it".

In the meantime, try and make new friends. I know that is hard in itself nowadays, but if that isn't happening, then at least take care of yourself by also just venturing out on your own. Find activities or events, or groups on your own, and live life!

I know that what I wrote about friends and relationships sounds rough, but contrary to how it seems, I am blessed with a few really good friendships, most of them in-place 30+ years.
Karabulut is right-on with what he says.

 

[pixie77]

So my friend (I will call him buzz) and I are close he thinks of me as his brother or let least He use to I don't know any more. He made friends with his sister's boyfriend (Woody) well Buzz and his girlfriend moved in with them. And now Buzz and Woody are real good friends. And I feel hunt and left out. They had partys without me they said it's because I don't have a car and they didn't think to come get me. I just shrug it off as no big deal. They made it up to me and I went over there on the weekend. And we all got drunk. Well me buzz and Woody are out side smoking. And Buzz starts telling Woody how he's is the only person he trusts to have his back and that he loves him so much and I'm just standing there like I don't exist. Buzz then then turns to me like an after thought and says " Don't worry I love you too" I still cant help to feel hurt. And jealous over how close they are. I'm I just over reacting?

No buddy id feel the same, and have on numerous occasions .