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Jealousy in a Relationship

M

mango7

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Hey all,
I need some advice about me and my bf. We have been going out for about 6 months now, and have truly been enjoying each other. I am 21 and he is 50. He is divorced and has two kids around my age. I'm also his first gay relationship. That's not the problem though...

Whenever we watch television or movies, he endlessly compliments and drools the hot young men on-screen. Half of his favorite movies that we watch together center around sexy school boys.. Whenever he talks about his favorite actors or singers, he gets this lustful look in his eyes. I know that this sounds bad of me, but I wish that he would compliment me and make me feel hot every once in a while. My previous boyfriends were all over me, and I get a lot of looks when I go out to Gay Bars with friends, but I want that reaction from him more than anything..

I brought this up a few weeks ago and the confrontation did not go well. He says that I am being immature and insecure about myself, and that "it's not like they'll be walking through the door anytime soon..." He also makes sexual jokes about my 18 year old brother who is basically the supermodel of the family.

Am I being a tyrant for confronting him about this? I just can't stand watching another episode of Bachlorette or another High School Football movie. He's truly done a number on my self esteem.

What do you guys think I should do? I'm in dire need of advice and no one to share it with.. Thanks :)
 
He's might be older than you in life but in gay relationship, he is like a sapling. It sounds to me that the guy still has a lot to learn about gay relationship and being gay in general. I kinda don't blame him that he's looking at hot young guys and compliment them because everything is probably fresh for him IF HE IS SINGLE. But now that he's in a relationship with you, I mean I'm sure he will do it secretly and I think that's healthy for a relationship but he should learn some limits and boundaries. How about you pick out the movies from now on or take turn?

I think it was right of you to confront him about the situation. If your point didn't get across, then try again. He's old, give him more time to process what you want from him. And he's making sexual jokes about your brother? That's in my opinion is just ewww! You'd think by the time you hit 50, you would be a bit more mature.

I don't want to sound cold but maybe make an evaluation of your relationship with him. He's might not be the right guy for you and it's not because of the age difference.
 
hotb0d said:
He's might be older than you in life but in gay relationship, he is like a sapling. It sounds to me that the guy still has a lot to learn about gay relationship and being gay in general. I kinda don't blame him that he's looking at hot young guys and compliment them because everything is probably fresh for him IF HE IS SINGLE. But now that he's in a relationship with you, I mean I'm sure he will do it secretly and I think that's healthy for a relationship but he should learn some limits and boundaries. How about you pick out the movies from now on or take turn?

I think it was right of you to confront him about the situation. If your point didn't get across, then try again. He's old, give him more time to process what you want from him. And he's making sexual jokes about your brother? That's in my opinion is just ewww! You'd think by the time you hit 50, you would be a bit more mature.

I don't want to sound cold but maybe make an evaluation of your relationship with him. He's might not be the right guy for you and it's not because of the age difference.
Click to expand...

Wow that's some good advice! I felt like I was reading Ann Landers (that was meant as a compliment). Listen to this guy.
 
hotb0d said:
He's might be older than you in life but in gay relationship, he is like a sapling. It sounds to me that the guy still has a lot to learn about gay relationship and being gay in general. I kinda don't blame him that he's looking at hot young guys and compliment them because everything is probably fresh for him IF HE IS SINGLE. But now that he's in a relationship with you, I mean I'm sure he will do it secretly and I think that's healthy for a relationship but he should learn some limits and boundaries. How about you pick out the movies from now on or take turn?

I think it was right of you to confront him about the situation. If your point didn't get across, then try again. He's old, give him more time to process what you want from him. And he's making sexual jokes about your brother? That's in my opinion is just ewww! You'd think by the time you hit 50, you would be a bit more mature.

I don't want to sound cold but maybe make an evaluation of your relationship with him. He's might not be the right guy for you and it's not because of the age difference.
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^^^ very well said...
 
mango7 said:
...He also makes sexual jokes about my 18 year old brother who is basically the supermodel of the family...
Click to expand...

This is in no way appropriate. I'd be more bothered by my BF telling me sexual jokes about my siblings than I would about TV characters.
 
It sounds like you're the mature one here and based on your ages it doesn't seem right. My guess is he needs time to play, but I think most younger guys would have him spinning. I'd hate to see you discarded for someone else after a year or two. Keep looking. A true bf would take your feelings into account.
 
This guy is raising all kinds of red flags of being a creep/cheater. Fantasies are healthy, but not in the place of your actual date. OP you are not out of line. It is your boyfriend who is out of line. He's disrepecting you especially when he eyes your brother. Were I you I'd consider cutting this one loose
 
I didn't want to say it but I kinda got that creepy vibe also.

It may just be the way the post was written.

If this guy is salivating over really young guys, you have a problem, if he's salivating over every young guy you still have a problem. Just a different one. It's not you, if it bothers you, you should be able to discuss it without being dismissed. If he knows it bothers you he should at least make an effort not to drool when you're around. That's not exactly an unreasonable compromise.

If you catch him looking once in a while, or asking your opinion, 'cause I'll do that, ask my BF is he thinks some guy is hot - but that's not every guy, and it's not all the time - then that's one thing.

But the way you described that, especially about the High School thing, kinda throws off a molester vibe.
 
Thank you all for your thoughts! I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who would be annoyed it. He's certainly not a molester, but I do think that it's inconsiderate of him to disregard my feelings. It may be that having a first BF at his age is more difficult than I think it is, that it's that much harder to change a lifelong habit at this stage. He's gone his whole life "looking" at the boys, and never had the opportunity to pursue them. I dunno...

I wouldn't mind if he did it every once in a while, but I just hate being compared to Supermodels and toned athletes all the time...

How could I phrase my feelings to him without starting an argument?
 
just bring it up again, tell him you're still bothered by what you talked about and it hasn't changed or gotten any better and that if something bothered you in your relationship you would show concern and not disregard his feelings. if he continues to insult you, tell he doesn't get it and that if he can't get it, you need to reevaluateyour relationship with him.
 
mango7 said:
...but I wish that he would compliment me and make me feel hot every once in a while. My previous boyfriends were all over me, and I get a lot of looks when I go out to Gay Bars with friends, but I want that reaction from him more than anything....

What do you guys think I should do? I'm in dire need of advice and no one to share it with.. Thanks :)
Click to expand...

Because it's always worth repeating...

Tell him.

Not us.

Him.
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And some personal advice-

When you go into these things, think through what you want to say. And beware of sentences that start with the word "you".

For example, if you say to him "You never tell me how hot I am", it's never going to go well.

Instead- think about what it is that you want and need. So a better way to bring the subject up is:

"So, you like that guy- he's hot? It turns me on when you talk about hot guys but it turns me on more when you tell me that you think I'm hot".

With that sentence, you're not judging him for finding another guy hot but you're turning it around and telling that he's going to get you turned on if he tells you that you are hot, too. If he's watching TV at the time, then sit on his lap when you say it and you'll get his attention. ;)
 
I'm sorrry, but mango7 could you provide a little clarification?

I was reading back over your post and there's a couple little points I wanted to be clear on. Does your boyfriend not compliment you at all? Is he actually comparing you to others? Comments like "You should try and do this like so and so." I mean, from what you posted so far I get the impression that you feel that he doesn't appear interested in you, rather he's interested in every dude but you.

I still stand by my previous comment that fantasies are healthy, but there's something odd about the picture you're painting. Now what I mean is from what you describe there's something not quite kosher (for lack of a better term) with your boyfriend. If you guys were closer in age and had been together a little longer I would say work it out, talk through it. However, considering the context and if he does compare you to other guys and celebrities then I say this is a problem and your gut is telling you to get out.

As people we should have a reasonable amount of patience with one another especially if they are in their first gay relationship, but you are not responsible for teaching a 50 year old man about the facts of life or facts of gay life in this instance.

Personally, were I in your shoes (and I once was) I'd say "It makes me uncomfortable and feel bad about myself when you go on like that." Then if he keeps it up, show him the door.

To me it is incredibly disrespectful to drool over someone else (even celebrities) with your date. It's one thing for you to ask him what he finds attractive and him to answer minus drool, but another thing entirely for him to offer his overt appreciation for other men, especially your 18 year old brother. It conveys a disregard for you. His actions are saying that he doesn't care that he disrespects and demeans you and the fact that he is 50 just highlights and underlines just how much you should drop him.

From what how you've described him and how you seem, I'm sure you can do much better and certainly deserve to.
 
he's an immature loser - and worse than any gay scene boy your age. why do you put up with that?
 
Sounds like a dirty old man.

And I mean that in a constructive, honest way. Is that the kind of boyfriend you want?
 
Is this the norm though? He has this gay friend of his who tells him that most gay couples think like him. I'm just worried that this is going to be a continual problem in all of my relationships, and that he's right that I should just grow up...
 
What do you mean by norm? Gay couples range from open relationships to monogamous want-to-get-married types.

Bottom line, if it bother's you, you should feel comfortable expressing that, and if he cares about your feelings, he should try to avoid making you feel dismissed.

Frankly I'm not his age and I think his behavior is kind of juvenile.
 
This has nothing to do with you being jealous. His comments about other guys and even your brother are indirect put down of you. Most likely they're quite deliberate.

He's probably afraid of losing you and his strategy for holding on to you is to tell you over and over that you're not that special.

It seems to be working, too. You're already looking for fault with yourself. Does he make other jibes about the way you look or dress? It wouldn't surprise me.

What would surprise me, is if you could find a way of turning the relationship around.
 
This is evidence that the common saying "I can't be bothered with anyone my own age, they are immature while old guys are mature" is incorrect.
 
definately do not thing that other older men will treat you that way. most would probably put you on a pedistal
 
3nipples said:
He's probably afraid of losing you and his strategy for holding on to you is to tell you over and over that you're not that special.

It seems to be working, too. You're already looking for fault with yourself. Does he make other jibes about the way you look or dress? It wouldn't surprise me.
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I just don't understand why he would do that. How on earth would he think that it's POSITIVE for the relationship?! God that's infuriating

And yes, he criticizes my clothing and hair ALL THE TIME lol
 
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