Jealousy over an ex

[e2ksj3]

I recently started talking to this guy (I'll call him Sam). Sam and I really kicked it off and I fell head strong over him. He is everything I could want in a guy and more. He had a great personality foremost along with everything looks and age wise (and more) that I was looking for. He is goal oriented like myself and is currently going to law school while working.

Everything seems perfect right? Well one small problem... He recently got out of a three year relationship with this other guy. It ended pretty badly, with the ex cheating on Sam and basically making him not have any social life. The ex hardly worked and Sam ended up having to foot the bill for everything. Sam's parents didn't care too much his ex either. Sam and I started getting closer and hanging out more, but lately, Sam started getting more and more distant. I figured it had to be his ex, because he would always talk about him in subtle ways. Like he would tell me about stuff animal he would always keep on his desk and when I asked what happened to it, he would say his ex took it. I found out recently him and his ex had been going at it, and his ex wants him to leave school and go back to NY with him.

I just feel so bitter, not so much over Sam, because to be fair with him, he just broke with this guy a month or so ago and you don't give over a relationship, especially one of three years that fast. I just feel bitter that his ex (and guys like him) get truly great guys like Sam, especially after treating them so bad. I just wish there was an opportunity to show Sam if we truly "let me in" that I would treat him so much better and make him so happy. I just get so upset at times, that it seems like all the great guys are taking by jerks. What should do in this situation? I don't want to come on too strong. I think Sam kind of knows how I feel about things. I've been literally crying over this the past few days. I know it sounds pathetic, but I truly have feelings for Sam.

 

[G-Lexington]

I can understand not wanting to come on too strong, but if he doesn't know you're interested, he probably is going to assume you're not. Have you asked him if he has any interest in actually dating you, and not just being friends?

Lex

 

[hummer7979]

If it's true that he's just ended a long term relationship, then the one thing he'll need is stability. The only way to give him that is time, and lots of it. If you push too hard, or try too hard to pull him out of his shell, or get overly emotional or attached, it'll just scare him. You've got to show him that you're an independent person who can be counted on.

If you're finding yourself so wrapped up in emotion that you're crying over it, my advice is to first take a short break from Sam and do something by yourself that you genuinely enjoy and be happy. Find your center, your foundation, your stability, your self-esteem. Make sure you aren't burdened with your own unresolved emotional baggage.

Then, when you feel happy, when you can think of Sam as a person who you really enjoy being with and connecting with, rather than as someone who brings out both an obsession and self-esteem issues in you, give him a call. Go hang out with him without any pressure to take things to any level. Slowly open up to him as a means to build trust, but don't jump the gun. You need always be aware of the situation and feel things out. Be very aware of how he responds and do stuff with him that will help you actively connect with him, like introducing him to your friends or cooking a meal with him, rather than passive stuff like going to the movies.

Obviously you haven't said much about yourself so I apologize if I'm being presumptuous. It's just that I've found myself in a similar situation before where I had a lot of strong feelings for someone who was distant and aloof. I've learned the hard way that gushing out emotional romantic feelings can be extremely off-putting and, at worst, seem self-centered and needy. I find that it's best to take some of that passion and channel it into patience and love. Sometimes, people want/need a mutual best friend before a lover.

 

[Horschallen]

He obviously needs time, since his break up is so new. You can at least let him know you are interested and will be around when and if he is ready and move on diversifying yourself for time being.

 

[TX-Beau]

I recently started talking to this guy (I'll call him Sam). Sam and I really kicked it off and I fell head strong over him. He is everything I could want in a guy and more. He had a great personality foremost along with everything looks and age wise (and more) that I was looking for. He is goal oriented like myself and is currently going to law school while working.

Everything seems perfect right? Well one small problem... He recently got out of a three year relationship with this other guy. It ended pretty badly, with the ex cheating on Sam and basically making him not have any social life. The ex hardly worked and Sam ended up having to foot the bill for everything. Sam's parents didn't care too much his ex either. Sam and I started getting closer and hanging out more, but lately, Sam started getting more and more distant. I figured it had to be his ex, because he would always talk about him in subtle ways. Like he would tell me about stuff animal he would always keep on his desk and when I asked what happened to it, he would say his ex took it. I found out recently him and his ex had been going at it, and his ex wants him to leave school and go back to NY with him.

I just feel so bitter, not so much over Sam, because to be fair with him, he just broke with this guy a month or so ago and you don't give over a relationship, especially one of three years that fast. I just feel bitter that his ex (and guys like him) get truly great guys like Sam, especially after treating them so bad. I just wish there was an opportunity to show Sam if we truly "let me in" that I would treat him so much better and make him so happy. I just get so upset at times, that it seems like all the great guys are taking by jerks. What should do in this situation? I don't want to come on too strong. I think Sam kind of knows how I feel about things. I've been literally crying over this the past few days. I know it sounds pathetic, but I truly have feelings for Sam.

OK what do you mean by the bolded above?

Obviously Sam is not as together as you think he is if he's gotten himself into a situation where he's being used. Nor is he so great if he let's people use him. Sam has choices, Sam is making them. So, stop putting him up on a pedestal. YOU like him, but you don't really know him. You have no idea really what the ex's version of things is, and really, it's none of your business. All you have is Sam's point of view.

If Sam chooses to get back with the ex, nothing you can do about it, nothing but obsess, and mope.

Reality check. If Sam was that into you, he wouldn't be running around with the Ex. Since they only broke up a month ago, chances are good they're going to be in each other's shit for a long time yet, so get used to it. Chances are you are rebound guy. If Sam won't "let you in," why do you think him choosing you would work?

By all means be his friend, but unless you love the angst, the drama, or you're one of those guys who just love to fix the wounded bird, date elsewhere.

Hell, you can even sleep with him if you're sure you won't get unduly attached, but he's in no condition to start something new, he's in no condition to make another commitment. You should cover your own hide and act accordingly.

 

[KaraBulut]

This sounds very much like an "ex" who is not really an "ex".

And if that is the case, Sam's not the victim- he's chosen to maintain a dysfunctional and passive relationship with this guy.

And if that is the case, you're better off not being in the middle.

 

[e2ksj3]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I have told Sam how I felt and he has told me that he felt the same way, so that's why I figured maybe we could be a potential match. Sorry if I seem naive and dense when it comes this thing, because I am. This is my first kind of "real" date.

Thanks for your advice to tx-beau, although you made me feel like crap in the process. I didn't mean to put him on a pedestol and say he is the "perfect guy for everyone". What I meant, was he matched everything I wanted in a guy, and was well "my perfect guy". Everything kicked off really well, but things, just stopped I guess. I think I wasn't just crying over him, but just the sheer frustration of trying to find a guy, only to come up empty again.

 

[TX-Beau]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I have told Sam how I felt and he has told me that he felt the same way, so that's why I figured maybe we could be a potential match. Sorry if I seem naive and dense when it comes this thing, because I am. This is my first kind of "real" date.

Thanks for your advice to tx-beau, although you made me feel like crap in the process. I didn't mean to put him on a pedestol and say he is the "perfect guy for everyone". What I meant, was he matched everything I wanted in a guy, and was well "my perfect guy". Everything kicked off really well, but things, just stopped I guess. I think I wasn't just crying over him, but just the sheer frustration of trying to find a guy, only to come up empty again.

Well, I apologize for making you feel like crap, what I was trying to do was get you to look at things realistically. All too often the heartaches we suffer occur because we let our hearts rule our heads, and ignore things that we shouldn't ignore. Sometimes the guy we like, or love is in a totally wrong place, or is just totally wrong, Disney aside, love does not in fact conquer all. I've been there too, not trying to sound superior - you should see some of the messes I've walked into, but what I have learned is that when we idolize someone, especially when we have feelings, we don't look at the SITUATION critically.

Hope rules and red flags get ignored or explained away. Sam may very well be a great guy - when he's not in the middle of emotional crisis - a situation wherein almost everyone describes things in the best possible terms for themselves, because they need sympathy, or just want it, that's normal behavior. It's also why I try never to vilify the ex, or the ex friend, because I don't really know what's going on, I just have one side, and you can offer sympathy without getting involved - and if they do get back together, you're the evil hater guy. It's even harder to stay clear when we have a personal motive for wanting to drive a wedge between the ex and the guy. I'm not saying that you'd consciously do that, but the motive is there, and it colors things. SO, you need to protect yourself.

Unfortunately there are people in the world who talk a big game, but in reality are just as manipulative as the guy they're bitching about. Not saying that's your friend, but you don't know him well enough yet to really KNOW him, and really, you don't want to involve yourself in whatever is going on between this guy and his Ex.

You deserve to have a guy who isn't all wound up with someone else. Think about it, if you got together with Sam, somewhere in the back of your mind you'd always be wondering, he'd always be wondering. That's no way to live. So let him crash and burn, then recover before you wade into that. It's not your problem, it's not your issue, it's not your choices, you shouldn't have to deal with it - and really, you shouldn't even try, because it doesn't concern you. By all means have a sympathetic ear, but don't set yourself up in competition, or as a surrogate. Don't automatically assume that there aren't two sides to the story, because there almost always are.

If you want him. Don't start anything until he's free and clear. He's not in any kind of place to start something now anyway, since he obviously hasn't ended whatever it is they're doing. You deserve better than that.

Always watch your own back first.

 

[rareboy]

just feel bitter that his ex (and guys like him) get truly great guys like Sam, especially after treating them so bad.

From what I read, Sam doesn't seem like a great catch.

You're better off without him.

Stop being bitter and move on.

 

[phonex]

It sounds to me like the "You're not gay" friend is quite the jackass. My suggestion: tell them that it hurts you when they do all these things. If they continue, fuck them. Although this may be hard, it shows you have self-respect, a trait most people dont have. Good luck!