The Original Gay Porn Community - Free Gay Movies and Photos, Gay Porn Site Reviews and Adult Gay Forums

  • Welcome To Just Us Boys - The World's Largest Gay Message Board Community

    In order to comply with recent US Supreme Court rulings regarding adult content, we will be making changes in the future to require that you log into your account to view adult content on the site.
    If you do not have an account, please register.
    REGISTER HERE - 100% FREE / We Will Never Sell Your Info

    PLEASE READ: To register, turn off your VPN (iPhone users- disable iCloud); you can re-enable the VPN after registration. You must maintain an active email address on your account: disposable email addresses cannot be used to register.

  • The Support & Advice forum is a no-flame zone.
    The members offering support and advice do so with the best intention. If you ask for advice, we don't require you to take the advice, but we do ask that you listen and give it consideration.

Job is causing problems...

L

leNate

Virgin
Joined
Jun 27, 2007
Posts
36
Reaction score
0
Points
0
I work at a gay club where I’m a dancer. Obviously this means that I am in constant contact with a lot of guys. Now, my boyfriend knew about my job before he even met me. He’s never been one hundred percent okay with it, but he doesn’t make an issue out of it. Until now I didn’t think it was even a big deal.

Saturday he came to the club while I was working to meet up with his sister and some friends. He knows I dance but he’s never actually seen me dance, not a work, so Saturday was the first time. He got pretty pissed about other guys watching me and the fact that I flirt with him. He started fussing with me while I was working. I went on break and went outside to talk to him. I tried to explain to him that flirting is a part of my job. How else am I going to get tips? He said he wasn’t going to stick around and watch other guys watch me.

He didn’t call me all week or respond to any of my calls or texts. Finally he agrees to come over yesterday and he tells me that he wants me to quit my job if I want our relationship to work, whatever that means. I asked why my job was suddenly a problem and he claimed that he didn’t know what I ‘really’ did at work. He’s 18 but he’s not naive, and I don’t buy that as an excuse.

Now, I can not afford to quit my job, even if I wanted to. I’m in college part time and share a town house with a friend. I basically make my living off of tips. I keep trying to explain all of this to him, but the more we talk about it, them angrier he gets. I told him that I have no plans of quitting my job. He says that if I don’t quit he’s not sure he can keep seeing me anymore. I really don’t get that. Seven months and all of a sudden he wants me to quit my job?

Am I wrong for not thinking I should quit?
 
Don't quit.......sounds like he should be a bit more understanding.
 
Put yourself in his shoes. You might be surprised at how similar your reactions would be if your boyfriend was doing what you're doing. I'm NOT saying that what you're doing is wrong, and that you should quit. But, you should be more understanding of him as well. Some guys are more insecure than others. It has nothing to do naivety. I know for a fact that I tend to be one of those insecure ones hence I would need constant reassurance. Be honest with him and map out the boundaries of your relationship. I would be jealous if I saw my other half flirting with others all the time too. Give him reassurance and I think with open communication, your relationship can only grow stronger. Good luck.
 
Honestly, it sounds like your work is more important than your relationship with him. And that's not necessarily bad - seven months, and only NOW he gets some idea what you do for a living? I'd say your priorities are probably in order.

Lex
 
I can understand how he might be feeling insecure after seeing your work for the first time BUT....seven months later!!??? If you depend on this work to earn a living, then you have to do what you have to do. Help him understand that being a dancer doesn't mean you are throwing yourself to the wolves...so to speak. Like any performer, you are just doing your job and that's the end of it. If you believe this is an issue of "trust", then you may want to re-examine your relationship....a place where ultimatums should not be necessary. He has placed you in a tough spot...and on the defensive. That is unfortunate. What I worry about is what else will come along, down the road, where he may use the same tact. That's somewhat troublesome. Personally, I would not quit the job...but that's me.
 
Don't quit... The priorities in your life right now should be; your well-being, school, work, and then a relationship. (in that order) Especially considering the relationship is 7 months young and involves an 18 year old.
 
Dude,

For better or worse, your job pays your rent and puts food onto your kitchen table. You'll be foolish to forget that.

With all the due respect, it took your BF and you 7 months, till he ventured into the club, where you work and where he decided that he did not like it???

I may be totally off the mark here, but it really sounds like one of the nice friendships-relationships with relatively superficial plans for the future???

My advice: give him few days to cool off and ask him to talk this over with you.

It is very easy to quit your job. Who is going to be paying the rent? Can both of you come up with a Plan 'B'?

What are your common prospectives? In other words, leaving a possibly nicely paid job in exchange for a promise of a relationship that may be dissolved sometime in the future.

Basically, if you are going to sacrifice a good source of income for you, what is he going to sacrifice for your benefit?

Just a question...

SC
 
I compeltely agree with what's been said. Sit him down and really lay it out there for him. Let him know that he always knew what your job was, it pays for the things you need to get by and you can't just up and quit, the job is a show job--meaning it's an act and part of that act is flirting to get guys to give you more money, none of what you do during the job means anything less about what you feel toward him.

He'd be naive to think that something that pays so well when you need to pay for rent and food would just be something you could "give up". Just reaffirm to himthat you love him and talk it out with him about whether he's feeling insecure or if he feels you're earnestly flirting with other guys, etc. If those come up, let him know that it has nothing to do with him and at the end of the day, the only real affection you're showing is for him.

If he still insists on making you quit your job because he has naive issues, then let him go. Getting by is what's most important right now.
 
Orlandude said:
What I worry about is what else will come along, down the road, where he may use the same tact. That's somewhat troublesome.
Click to expand...

^ I've been thinking that and it makes me nervous.


If this is about him being insecure, what can I do to help him not feel that way? I mean he knows that I love him, I hope. I tell him all the time. I tell him how important he is to me. I call him when I'm on my way to work to let him know I'll be thinking about him. I don't know what else to do without making it seem like I'm trying.

I don't want to mess up what we have over something like this. I was hoping we would be together for a long time.
 
He's 18 years old, and not mature enough to understand your situation? gtfo!
 
I agree that he sounds immature, insecure and may possibly even be "the jealous type". Even if you quit your job, I can virtually guarantee you that there will be other problems down the line dealing with these same issues. If I were you, I'd move on. There are plenty of good guys out there that can understand that what you do is just a job and it doesn't change anything about your relationship.
 
He knew you were a dancer before you got together and now he is having issues with it??? That is immaturity and if he can't handle it then you should do what you know is the right thing. In my opinion that is to let him go and focus on yourself and your education. If he is showing jealousy now because of something this insignificant, then I only see other, bigger problems down the road. He obviously doesn't trust you because..... no trust = jealousy. You are too young to be worried about petty crap like this when you have so much to focus on.

Good luck!!!
 
But then, LeNate, whay do you mean by describing your status as 'open relationship'? You can't be expecting your relationship with the current b/f to endure if you don't think of yourself as in a committed relationship.

Along with others, I think that youth and jealousy are at the heart of the exisiting problem. And I think you need to have a calm discussion with him about what each of you wants from the relationship to find out if you rneeds are being met.

I don't think you should put yourself in jepoardy financially by giving into emotional blackmail. But at the same time, for any relationship to endure compromise is required. You should be prepared to change your source of income. This doesn't mean throwing in your job on a whim - but there must be other jobs out there that you can do that would not seem as threatening to yourt b/f. I would suggest that you try and get him to agree to a transition period while you both look for other employment that is less threatening for him and more lucrative for you.

The advantages of this approach are that you acknowledge his problem, demonstrate that you are willing to find a solution, and work on solving it together. That can only demonstrate that you are serious about him and value the relationship and it will increase the chances of it lasting.

If you try this approach and it fails at least you can exit the relationshyp with your head high knowing that you gave it your best shot to make it work.
 
Thanks eveyone for the advice. It helps a lot.

So we talked today. I told him that I wasn't willing to quit my job, but that I was willing to be less flirtatious and not to dance with guys individually. He asked why he wasn't good enough for me to quit my job. I said that school and work come first for me right now. That started a big argument. I really didn't want to argue but he wouldn't stop yelling. He thinks that if our relationship isn't the number one thing in my life right now, that I don't really care about him.

This is really starting to stress me out. I hate fighting with him but it seems to happen all the time. However, I don't want to break up with him over something like this; I'm not sure if it's worth it.
 
This is a sticky issue.
Apparently, having seen you at work, he feels understandably jealous. This is not to say that his reaction is reasonable or justified, just understandable. There's a difference between knowing about your job, and seeing it.

That being said, I don't suggest that you quit your job for him. In my opinion, it's not a matter of him being "good enough" for you to quit your job. It's about asking you to completely rearrange your life to suit his sensibilities, on threat of him dumping you.

While he might have a valid point that if you "truly" loved him, you'd be willing to quit your job, perhaps he should consider this: your job is just as important to him, though in the opposite context. That is, he is just as willing to end the relationship over your job as you are, and ib fact he is the one making the decision to do so. He's the one saying "If you don't do as I say, I might leave you."
So how is it you're the one who's less committed?

Then again, I'm not really te person to ask for successful relationship advice.
 
That would be the ticket for me. He's too immature and naive to see that people have other needs besides him. He obviously doesn't understand how life works and that people have bills to pay for school and food and shelter. You are at two different levels right now. Maybe in time he'll understand what it's like to have to support oneself, but right now he can't and won't.

You already offered to change the way you dance (thus limiting the amount of money you can make) and he still can't understand. Give him one more talk and try explaining to him that even if he was the most important thing, you still need to have a place to live and school to pay for. Is he being selfish for expecting you to work even harder to get by just for him instead of reconciling his nonsensical issues?
 
He has to love the person that you are and not the one he thinks he can change you into.

I think you're seeing only the tip of the iceberg.

His immaturity/insecurity isn't going to go away just because you stop dancing in the club.
 
He sounds like a dink. Unless he plans to pay your rent or hand you a better job, he should put his head back up his ass where he's had it for the last seven months and keep quiet.

Of course you flirt and thrive on the attention. What part of being a dancer at a gay club didn't he understand?....unless he thought you'd said 'securities trader for a major brokerage firm'?
 
He's trying to be controlling and manipulative ("if you don't quit your job, you don't really love me"). Wake up and DTMFA.
 
1.) First of all, he is 18 years-old and has not fully developed the cognitive and logical functions of his brain. This happens at age 20. So no matter how logical you sound, much of his reasoning is going to based on emotion and living in the moment.

2.) Your status says "Open Relationship." Why is he so jealous of you dancing with men for tips if it's understood the two of you have an open relationship?

3.) I agree with everyone's advice here that your job and college comes first before him. You had this job before he knew you; it's not like you got it while you were in the relationship. Unless he is willing to pay your bills, your rent, and your tuition, he has no right to force you out of a job.

In this situation you are the adult at 21 years of age. It's time to lay down the law with this 18 year-old fresh out of high school. If he's going to act like a spoiled whiney teenager, then treat him like one and walk away.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top