Job Problem

[irudesan]

Ok, so i have this kind of problem at work

I m a doctor, 25 years, doing my year of internship at a hospital, i shift from different areas from month to month, this month im in pneumology ward, the thing is that there is a flaming gay male nurse, he is really cute and all, but i really dont like that type of men, just because he seems like a girl, and acts very girly. I just talked to him normally and sometimes i smiled with him of situations that happened in the ward and job stuff. BUT i think he thinks im looking for something else, and always give me the looks, and is smiling to me and everything, and always do what i order very fast (i mean treatment for patients) The thing is that he is so obvious that even OTHER STAFF is starting to notice. I started to become a very shitty situation when one other female nurse started to joke around she and i were in a relationship, and that i was "hers". She is in her last 30s, maybe like 38, i dont know, and she is really not appealing to me at all. At first i just thought it was an innocent joke or something (AND I DIDNT like it though) but now i realized she did that just to make him jealous or something (she is really a bitch). Then they started to "argue" about whom i was of, i mean, they started to say things like
She: "Oh yeah, you know, he is mine, i bet that is hurting you right?"
He: "No, thats not hurting me, what hurts is that you are not sharing him"

I think they think its just "fun" teasing or something but i REALLY feel like im being harassed, i cant walk in front of any of them as they start saying things to me, for example, one day i was looking for a lube to put a urinary catheter to a patient, and i just asked the guy "hey do you have some lube" (i mean sometimes they carry one in the nurse station), and he replied "Well, not here... but i have one in my house"
I just looked at him with a neutral look, then continue to walk without saying him anything.

Then the female nurse started to say that her birthday is going to be on 24th july, and that she was going to "give me the cake" that day. I mean really whats wrong with these people.

This is veryyyyy awkward, and unproffesional for the two of them, its very odd and i dont even have the confidence to talk to them, because i mean, i met these persons the 1st of July, when i first got to this ward.

Nobody knows im gay at work, and im very straight looking, i guess the female nurse is only doing that because she wanted to expose the male nurse feelings for me and somehow humilliate him, in the sense that "you are gay you cant have the cute doctor" or something. Im sure she is not interested in me, maybe she thinks she is "helping" me or something, she told me one day "What did that little butterfly thought was going to happen between you two?". She is VERY homophobic as i could see. Jeez, i actually kind of hate her, she is so bitchy.

And also, i feel bad inside because lately i ve had to put a very serious face all day so that they stop doing those things, it has worked a little, but i really didnt want to treat the male nurse that way, i feel like im discriminating him just for being flaming, and gay, BUT im also gay but closeted, i feel like betraying my own "race", (if that makes any sense) and it makes me feel shitty. BUT also, i didnt want him to think i wanted something with him... I just wanted to be nice like i do with all the staff at the hospital.
I mean, im really TIRED of this, is it that you cant even smile to some people because they immediately think you want to have something with them? Im not THAT good looking by the way, just a little above average, not currently being in a relationship, and comfortable being that way.

I want advices on HOW I TALK TO THE TWO OF THEM to just LET ME BE, i mean IM THERE TO WORK, not for anything else, and also, i deserve some respect, not only because im the doctor, but because im a coworker. Im thinking of going to their boss, The Supervisor Nurse, and tell her the situation, but i dont know if thats going to give more material to further awkward situations.

Lucky for me im just going to be there for another 15 days, but the situation is really disturbing for me.
Please HELP, suggestions are awaited. Thanks.

 

[evanrick]

i think a lot of men go thru this type of stuff. and they do need to be talked to because this is sexual harassment. what a couple of bitches. must suck to have their jobs.

i think you also need to watch it saying you look straight and you deserve respect because your the doctor. quite a dysfunctional place if you ask me.

 

[rareboy]

Lucky for me im just going to be there for another 15 days, but the situation is really disturbing for me.
Please HELP, suggestions are awaited. Thanks.

suck it up for the next 15 days.

Relax.

Be professional.

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to the politics of teaching hospitals.

You're a "baby doc". They are the staff who have been there for years and they'll be there long after you finish your program.

They're letting you know that they are the ones in power. It's a game that the long-term nurses play in teaching hospitals all of the time.

And it's also a test. In July when the new rotations start, the staff usually get a large chart that has everyone's picture on it. They pick out who is hot, who looks like a nerd and they gossip about the residents that they know from the year before. The new interns that come in fresh out of med school are the unknowns. They will test your knowledge because the staff know you don't know nearly as much as they do about their specialty.

They want to test your personality. It's like a pack of dogs testing a new strange dog. They want to see if you're going to be part of the pack, whether you're aiming to be the alpha dog or whether they need to run you out of the pack.

You can respond in different ways and each one will get you a different reputation. You can ignore their games and be all business. You can be intimidated by them (which they love). Or you can come down to their level and joke with them (which on the short term will get you liked but won't get you respect). Or you can get into a pissing match which will make your life hell for the next 2-3 years.

If you're looking for a recommendation, be cordial and be professional. Respect what they know (and you can learn from many of them because they've done their job for years and they've seen more in their specialty that you'll ever see). Ask them for their opinion on the patients that they are taking care of and listen to it with respect. You can learn their first names, learn a little bit about what they enjoy- their hobbies, their children and their away-from-work interests. But remember that you're the doctor and they're the staff and while you consider them a colleague, you're the one writing the orders and ultimately, the one in charge.

Whatever you do- don't fuck with the staff- literally or figuratively. Remember, you're going to be the subject of gossip for a few more years and your reputation will follow you everywhere you go in the hospital.

 

[texan_slant]

Ignore it all, put on a game-face, and stay professional;
DON'T cave in to their soap opera.

 

[nsguy2]

Ignore it all, put on a game-face, and stay professional;
DON'T cave in to their soap opera.

IMO, that is exactly how to handle the situation.

 

[MorrisseyX]

I agree with the other posters the OP seems to be uncomfortable because he is not out of the closet.

Maybe this is more about your own insecurities than your coworkers?

I don't think the jokes are so inappropriate that it is sexual harssement. Sexual harassement is very serious and these jokes are just corny jokes.

In workplaces, when new people start a job the long term workers always test the new person. I think your co workers are just joking and you are being a bit too sensitive. Why not just laugh along with your co workers at their jokes? You have to learn to work with people.

 

[Spiff]

Unfortunately with the male nurse, his behavior is typical among gay men. Some easily misinterpret friendliness for something more. This is evident by the countless threads here saying something like "he smiled at me and my gaydar went off. I think he wants to have sex with me".

As for both, if you are capable of making little white lies, you could just drop hints saying you are interested in or dating someone else (which may not even be a lie). Hopefully something like that is enough for them to take the hint, without risking your professional relationship with these people.

But this place seems to have alot of drama going on. Drama in a hospital? It would be unusual if there was not.

 

[slnattak]

It's okay if you're not attracted to him, but I think you should wonder that, if the reason you can't find a good boyfriend or not- is if you're too worried wondering if your mate is acting like a 'man' or not. (I'm talking about a healthy gay relationship that's not based on just lust)

I don't know about anybody here, and I'm not that effeminate either, but if I can't find a boyfriend that doesn't understand my love of barbie dolls, and teenage pop music, and things of that nature- then I'm better off alone, as I view those things in my 'spirit.'

Also I sense a lot of hypocrisy and self-loathing with you here. You're both male nurses, which is an extremely stereotypically gay and 'female' type of occupation. You act as though you yourself are in this really macho profession and he's the faggy nurse one, but you're BOTH faggy nurses. I think we don't like in others what we don't like in ourselves. Because to be honest, and I'm not trying to offend you or anything, but you sound VERY girly in your post. And that's okay. I really love the soft girly type of gayness (not the flaming kind only cause it's too rude and angry) Actually I love flaming gayness too as long as I'm not the one burned by the fires lol.

 

[slnattak]

Maybe this is more about your own insecurities than your coworkers?

BINGO, BINGO, BINGO. I think that's exactly what is going on here. I actually think the other male nurse would be a really good match for you (yes, even in bed) But you can't see this because you're too caught up in societial ideals of what a 'real man' should be like. It's just really hypocritical and offensive, honestly, especially because *you yourself* work in one of the most stereotypical 'gay' (as in faggy, femme, flamey) professions of them all: You're a nurse.

So if I met ya in real life, I'd slap you and tell you to love yourself.

And also: how do you ever hope to have a happy equal relationship with another man if you can't come out of the closet?

 

[texan_slant]

IMHO, I think that <slnattack> might be giving you an over-analysis of yourself.

I still stick to the advice that you ignore it all and move on;
you're there to do a job, and not cave in to the silly ppl dynamics.

 

[irudesan]

Ok, first of all, im a doctor, not a nurse, i thought i made the point clear.

These days i ve just been trying to ignore the comments they make, and i think it has worked properly, now they nearly dont do any comments like the ones i told you before. I just needed to vent it out.

And one of the things i forgot to say is that sometimes they made those jokes in front of my residents (they are like my "bosses"), and that is very uncomfortable, to say the least, like imagine people told you things like that in front of your boss in a very serious job, you wouldnt be laughing probably.

Well, on the things some of you are saying, yes, maybe im scared of what people might think in the hospital if they found out i am gay, because id really hate to be the gossip material of the month or something. And because ive had a girlfriend in the past (she is a doctor too). And no, im not effeminate, And no, he is not my ideal type of guy, i tend to like more not-so-girly men, i mean, he doesnt have to be the super macho guy, just a regular guy, because thats the way i am. And its just a matter of tastes... it doesnt have to do that much with society... if that would be true, we would all be with women... thats what society tell us, isnt it?

And regarding relationships im not in a relationship, not dating anyone, not hooking up with anyone, nor anything at all... im more like in a stand by time, by my own choice. I think im not yet ready for a relationship, for so many reasons... and dont wanna be screwing with other people for nothing (but thats another subject)

Anyways, thanks for taking the time to answer.

 

[rareboy]

One final thought. You sound overly sensitive and a little defensive.

Over the years I've worked with many, many doctors and a number of them have been similar; tense, without a sense of humour and always afraid of how they are made to look in front of the people they consider their superiors.

I repeat. Relax. Enjoy this life. Worry more about your patients instead of your sexual reputation. You are already the subject of gossip, whether you like it or not.

But you can have everyone, including your patients, think of you as an uptight jerk, or as an affable and self-confident man they would like to have as a friend as well as a medical care provider.

Oh. And by the way. A lot of nurses are more than the equal of they Doctors they work with. If you think that your degree automatically trumps their experience, then think again. Treat them with respect and deference as well..

 

[lunarus]

^_^ Hello MR Doctor Person.

First you must by now understand the amount of pressure nurses are under these days. There is a monumental shortage of quality nurses. Be it male or female. These two that are picking at you are doing it because they know it has an affect on you. To tell you the truth they probably have a bet as to which one of them will catch your eye first.

Second who gives a rat's ass whether they know you are gay or not. That is your business and you are there working at the moment. Stop fearing about being gay. I've met my share of gay doctors and they rolled with the punches. I have also met A LOT of up tight frustrated doctors that I personally would not go to again if they were the last doctor on earth. Relax, be genuine with people/patients and or their families. We as lay people want our doctors to be accessible to us, no matter what we need to talk to them about. If we feel their discomfort about anything we tend to not go to them about a problem.

Third throw it back at them, roll with the punches. When the male nurse made the crack about the lube at his house I would have come back with something like,
"Well a whole lot of good that will do me. I need it now." Learn to give as good as you get. It will make your work environment a lot easier for you to work in, especially those long hours.

Lastly, remember others have the right to act the way they do and be true to themselves. We tend to hate others for traits we see in them that we wish we didn't see in ourselves. If the one male nurse acts like a flaming queen who gives a shit, that's him let him own it, don't dog him for it. There are things in life you will need to let slide or you will be in for one misery filled hour after another. Celebrate our diversity please, you are one facet of the gay face, there is a myriad of others. Life would be boring if we acted all the same.

And grats on becoming a doctor.

PS. They will gossip about you no matter who or what you are did. That is the nature of the human race...

 

[CudDULL]

Well maybe you should just let them know that it is unprofessional and is making you uncomfortable. I'm sure it would be as easy as that. Either way if that doesn't work you will be out of there in no time. Don't let it affect you personally though.

 

[MrBubulino]

Hey, don't think about you being gay. It really really doesn't matter at all, because what they're doing sounds awkward. As you say, you go there to work, not to play. And ok, some fun is ok. But if you're feeling uncomfortable that should stop.

I'd advice you to be extremely polite and tell them that their jokes make you feel uncomfortable and you'd appreciate it if they stopped, because you prefer a different environment and you're used to different treatment from your co-workers. Just be cool, they have to understand. This is not high-school.
If they keep doing that or they start being mean at you, or something, then go to their supperiors. You are a doctor, and they are nurses. It's not looking down at them, but there has to be certain respect to hierarchy and that is not happening.

Just be honest and polite.
Please, keep us informed on your situation!!

 

[irudesan]

Hello to everyone,

Mr. Bubulino, the situation has become better, they are not continuing with the jokes. I guess they realized that was making me uncomfortable. I didnt need to go to the their superior.

The only "bad" thing is that now the male nurse is almost ignoring me, but not like angry, just talks to me when its necessary. That wasnt my intention, because i didnt want him to feel like i was uncomfortable because he was flaming, which is the reason i think he thinks i was serious and all, (actually it was because he was almost harassing me), but i think i cant do anything about it too, i prefer it this way than he telling me strange things all day. I always just want to work well with all the staff in the hospital because it makes things much easier. And in 9 months this is the first time i have a "problem" with the nurses. And really, nurses generally love me.

Thanks for the wise words Lunarus, ill have that in my mind, and rareboy, no i might have given you the wrong impression, i dont treat nurses with disrespect, i know they are essential to any health installment and the patients care, and also, make our job easier, and i know some of them know a lot, specially the older ones, its simply that i wanted to be treated with some respect, i almost felt like if they were some kind of bullies hehe, maybe i gave it more importance than it had though.

Anyways i m just staying in that ward until the end of this month, next month im going to the emergency room, where theres a whole lot of work to do hehehe

Finally, thanks to all for taking some of your time to answer