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Joining a Fraternity & Being Gay?

ryan2010

ryan2010

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I'm actually already in a fraternity, but I joined last year and at the time, I didn't come out to anyone in it (because at the time I also wasn't sure I was gay).

Since then, I moved to a new school against my choice, although I am happy here. However, I want to try to affiliate with the fraternity here, and I was wondering if any of you had any advice or input on being gay and in a fraternity. I am not against coming out to the members individually, but I generally like to be really good friends with people and then come out to them in private.

If anyone is in/has been in a similar situation, I would really like to hear some feedback. I am enjoying school, and it would be cool to meet new people, but at the same time I don't want to burden myself and make myself feel overwhelmed. If my question doesn't make sense, let me know and I can rephrase...I ramble sometimes!
 
Why not just do what most people do and makes friends the real way?
 
Not to be a dick, but that was plain rude, and it really annoys me when people think fraternities are just friends you pay for. I'm not going to explain it to you because you already seem so set in your ways that you had to "lay down the law," but they are actually much more than you think.
 
It depends on the Frat. You should know by now that not all chapters are exactly the same. Not all frats are the same.

When I was in college, none of them were very gay friendly, but that was a while back.

What I found was that some of the guys will never accept you, and that will cause problems, some will, but won't go to bat for you, some just don't care.

Now maybe things are enough different now, but I pretty much found that if the guys aren't going to stand up for you behind your back, it doesn't matter what they say individually.

Anyway, I also found that if you actually pursue being a gay guy, that's going to put a wedge between you and the frat anyway, because you don't socialize like they do.

Hopefully it's no longer like that, be careful. I never advocate being in the closet, and if they aren't going to be accepting and supportive of you, why would you want to associate with them anyway.
 
I'd just be careful with your feelings. Most guys will be cool with it, but the issue is that if you are good looking and cute enough, (or even if you're not- even if they are just curious themselves) they will want to you know, use you for sex. Now a lot of people don't mind this. A frat boy thing is a very sexually charged up atmosphere.

Word will get around most likely. Young, virile male frat boys aren't going to keep a cocksucker a secret. This fantasy I guess turns some people on. I am a type of guy where I am more relationship-orientated though. =) I guess you can have a loving healthy relationship in a frat. But I think guys would just look at you for one thing only lol.
 
^That's assuming like everybody in the frat is gay. This is not prison - frat guys have access to the hottest girls around in abundance, and rarely need to go with each other, unles they are actaully gay.
 
If it's any consolation, I made out with a frat dude in the houses storage closet once. Everyone knew he was gay and was cool with it. I don't remember what frat it was, but it was in Georgia, so I would think DC would be good.
 
A lot of my friends who are in frats couldn't care less. I guess if the friendship is strong enough it shouldn't matter. Good luck :)
 
saymyname said:
Why not just do what most people do and makes friends the real way?
Click to expand...

ryan2010 said:
Not to be a dick, but that was plain rude, and it really annoys me when people think fraternities are just friends you pay for. I'm not going to explain it to you because you already seem so set in your ways that you had to "lay down the law," but they are actually much more than you think.
Click to expand...

I can't speak for saymyname's intent but I read it as a suggestion that you make friends and just be yourself. There's no comment on fraternities there and you got very defensive for some reason?

ryan2010 said:
Since then, I moved to a new school against my choice, although I am happy here. However, I want to try to affiliate with the fraternity here, and I was wondering if any of you had any advice or input on being gay and in a fraternity. I am not against coming out to the members individually, but I generally like to be really good friends with people and then come out to them in private.
Click to expand...

The idea of fraternities is that they're supposed to be about friendship and bonding- the base for the word is frater, the Latin root for "brother". You have a choice about which fraternity you want to join. Most frats have a rush or a meet and greet where they can interview potential new members.

That's also a chance for you to interview them.

When you apply for the fraternity, you will have the opportunity to ask if they have gay members and how they feel about gay people. If you get an uncomfortable response, then you'll know that's probably not the frat that you want to pledge. Strangely enough, fraternities seem to have a strange appeal for gay guys and quite a few fraternities are accepting of members who are gay, as long as they fit in with the rest of the group.

And you know how this works- especially if it's a communal fraternity that has a chapter house... once you tell one member, everyone else will know. So, if you're planning on coming out to members individually, you might want to do it fairly quickly.
 
KaraBulut said:
I can't speak for saymyname's intent but I read it as a suggestion that you make friends and just be yourself. There's no comment on fraternities there and you got very defensive for some reason?



The idea of fraternities is that they're supposed to be about friendship and bonding- the base for the word is frater, the Latin root for "brother". You have a choice about which fraternity you want to join. Most frats have a rush or a meet and greet where they can interview potential new members.

That's also a chance for you to interview them.

When you apply for the fraternity, you will have the opportunity to ask if they have gay members and how they feel about gay people. If you get an uncomfortable response, then you'll know that's probably not the frat that you want to pledge. Strangely enough, fraternities seem to have a strange appeal for gay guys and quite a few fraternities are accepting of members who are gay, as long as they fit in with the rest of the group.

And you know how this works- especially if it's a communal fraternity that has a chapter house... once you tell one member, everyone else will know. So, if you're planning on coming out to members individually, you might want to do it fairly quickly.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your input Kara,

I did not mean to be hostile, but people very commonly refer to fraternities as paying for friends, and it's just frustrating to hear this again and again; when someone refers to it as the "fake" way of making friends (implied by him comparing it to the "real" way), it isn't really fair in my book.

Anyway, your advice is helpful and I'll definitely be taking the time to get to know them before I make a decision. Thanks again.
 
ryan2010 said:
I did not mean to be hostile, but people very commonly refer to fraternities as paying for friends, and it's just frustrating to hear this again and again; when someone refers to it as the "fake" way of making friends (implied by him comparing it to the "real" way), it isn't really fair in my book.
Click to expand...

I'm not of that opinion but honestly, if you're going to pay for something, I can think of few things of more value than friendship.

ryan2010 said:
Anyway, your advice is helpful and I'll definitely be taking the time to get to know them before I make a decision. Thanks again.
Click to expand...

Let us know how it goes.
 
Like others have said, it would depend on the fraternity.

I have one very gay cousin (last seen running a baths in Ibiza) who was on the board of a Dutch fraternity.

So it's certainly possible here in the Netherlands.
 
It's funny because I'm in a frat lol. some know about me, others don't. I'm not saying I'm keeping it a secret, because I act the same lol. If I like Gaga, I like Gaga. I like to model, I love to do theater and write. My interest I guess would be labeled gay, but they don't judge it. However, they haven't asked me yet. When they do I'll tell. Why? Because I know majority of them won't care. I also know that because of who I am, if they are angry at first, they'll get past it.

My advice would be to get to know them normally. See what kind of guys they are? Are they metro? Are they homophobic? Hell, do they already have a gay member? lol. Just get to know them. Do what you need to do.

Also keep in mind. A gay frat brother, means easy access to pussy lol.
 
Like some have said, it depends on the frat.

Some frat's are Douche-central--the frat that comes to mind is PIKE. In fact, every college that I've visited, each Pike chapter is really filled with tools and meatheads. Don't know why...

I'm not a frat person, but good luck finding a like-minded, un-douchey fraternity!
 
ryan2010 said:
I'm actually already in a fraternity, but I joined last year and at the time, I didn't come out to anyone in it (because at the time I also wasn't sure I was gay).

Since then, I moved to a new school against my choice, although I am happy here. However, I want to try to affiliate with the fraternity here, and I was wondering if any of you had any advice or input on being gay and in a fraternity. I am not against coming out to the members individually, but I generally like to be really good friends with people and then come out to them in private.

If anyone is in/has been in a similar situation, I would really like to hear some feedback. I am enjoying school, and it would be cool to meet new people, but at the same time I don't want to burden myself and make myself feel overwhelmed. If my question doesn't make sense, let me know and I can rephrase...I ramble sometimes!
Click to expand...

My first question is are you still affiliated with the fraternity you were in at your last school? Did you go to alumni status? Or can you still transfer from to the chapter at your current school?

Or did you de-brother?


I am in a similar situation..

And it is a very, very difficult one.
 
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