Joke thread?

[Phlash]

I have no clue where this should go. Jokes are entertaining though. Tell your best joke. Move this if you must.

Two homeless men are talking. The first homeless man says "I found a 20 dollar bill yesterday. I bought a pint of liquor and a hot meal. It was a good day."

The second homeless man says "Oh yeah? Well, I found a lady tided to the railroad tracks yesterday. I untied her and we fucked all day."

The first homeless man say "Oh, did you get a blowjob?"

The second homeless man says "No, I couldn't find her head."

 

[Phlash]

So a guy goes to a whore house, and he goes to the head mistress and say "I only have 10 dollars. What can I get for this?"

The head mistress says "Okay, go into the 4th door down there."

So he goes in the room, and it's a chicken on a stool. He's thinking, this is fucked up, but I need to cum, so he fucks the chicken.

The next week he goes back to the whore house. He goes up to the head mistress and says "Okay, today I only have 5 dollars. What can I get?"

She goes "Alright, go into the 3rd door down the hall."

He goes in there and he sees a bunch of guys with their pants down jacking off. There's a one side mirror and on the other side is a guy fucking the shit out of a big fat woman. He goes "This is disgusting!"

The guy next to him says "Yeah, you should have been here last week. A guy was fucking a chicken."




Okay.

So a guy is happily married except for the fact that his wife can't handle his giant dick. So she gives him the okay to go to a whore house. He goes there and asks for the biggest whore they have.

he head mistress days "Okay go to door 2."

He goes to door number 2 and see's a lady on the bed. He goes over and sticks the head of his dick in and she starts screaming. He gets angry and goes over to the head mistress and say "Okay I could hardly get my head into her. What the hell?"

She goes "Okay go to door number 3."

He goes over there and the girl can only take half of his dick in before she starts screaming. He's furious now. He goes to the head mistress and demands his money back. She goes, "Alright, go to door number 4. And if you're not satisfied I'll refund your money."

So he goes to door number 4 and the lights are out. He made his way over to the bed and stuck half in. The girl didn't mind. 3 quarters in, she didn't mind. He sticks it all in and she's fine. His eyes begin to adjust to the room and he realizes that the girl is foaming at the mouth. He runs out of the room to the head mistress to let her know.

She yells "Janitor, the dead girl in room 4 is full again!"

Okay.


So a guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He orders a drink and the monkey goes crazy. He jumps off the guys shoulder, runs down the bar throwing shit around, jumps on the pool table and eats the cue ball.

The bartender says "What the hell, man? Get that monkey and get the hell out of my bar!"

So the guy grabs his monkey and leaves. He returns a week later, and orders a drink. The monkey goes crazy again. He jumps of his shoulder, runs down the bar throwing shit around, goes up to a bowl of grapes, shoves one in his ass, then eats it.

The bartender says "That's disgusting! Why would he eat something that he just stuck in his ass?"

The guy says "Well, after the cue ball, he makes sure that everything can fit."

 

[Phlash]

Come on guys, I want to hear some dirty jokes....

Here is an anti-joke that I came up with. Kind of....


A black guy, a white guy and a mexican guy find a genie lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. He says "I will grant you all one wish." They're like WTF because usually genies grant 3 wishes to one person. But they all found it together so he only has to grant 3 wishes total. I guess that is the genie code. So they come to terms with that, and they decide that the black guy should go first.

So the the black guys says "I wish that all of my people were together again. Happy and shit." So the genie complies and all black people are transported to Africa, happy and together.

The white guy decides that the mexican should go next. The mexican says, "I wish that all of my people were together too. Happy and shit!" The genie complies and all of the mexicans are back in mexico.

The genie then goes to the white man and he says, "What is your wish?"

The white man says, "You are telling me that all of the black people are back in Africa, and all of the Mexicans are back in Mexico?"

The genie says, "Yes."

The white man says, "Well, that sucks. Because I married a Mexican woman, and we adopted a black baby... So where are they now?"

The genie says, "Uh, I guess your baby is in Africa, and your wife is in Mexico. I don't know exactly though because those people were very general with their wishes. So I just put them in those countries randomly."

The white man says, "Oh, I see. Well then genie, my wish is that you die."

The genie looks at him confused. Slowly he begins to realize what is going to happen to him. A single tear drop drops from his eye. Then he disappears into oblivion.

 

[Drugstore Cowboy]

well i'd post some jokes here, but i dont want to get banned so i dont think i should lol.

 

[luvme4evr]

well i'd post some jokes here, but i dont want to get banned so i dont think i should lol.

i want 2 hear your jokes. pm me. Phlash y dont we get a rating system 2 going, like a scale of 0 to 5, 5 being the funniest joke.

 

[Drugstore Cowboy]

hmmmm well i'm really bad a typing out jokes, errr, i actually have never done it before but here's one i got that's kinda more tamed.

So there was this couple that had just finished having sex. After they finished the guy threw his condom out the window, but his girlfriend wanted to fuck again and that was the only condom they had so the guy went outside to look for it.

when he got outside he saw a little boy playing with it, and asked him if he could have it back but the boy said no. he then offered ten dollars for the condom, but the boy said no. then he offered fifty dollars, but the boy said no. then he he just offered five dollars and the boy said "okay" and gave him the condom.

After the guy left with the condom, the boy's mom goes up to the boy and asks, "what did that guy want," and the boy just replied, "oh i found this twinkie on the ground and i sold it to that guy. but the jokes on him because i already sucked out all the creme filling."

 

[Phlash]

i want 2 hear your jokes. pm me. Phlash y dont we get a rating system 2 going, like a scale of 0 to 5, 5 being the funniest joke.

Sounds good to me, sir!

hmmmm well i'm really bad a typing out jokes, errr, i actually have never done it before but here's one i got that's kinda more tamed.

So there was this couple that had just finished having sex. After they finished the guy threw his condom out the window, but his girlfriend wanted to fuck again and that was the only condom they had so the guy went outside to look for it.

when he got outside he saw a little boy playing with it, and asked him if he could have it back but the boy said no. he then offered ten dollars for the condom, but the boy said no. then he offered fifty dollars, but the boy said no. then he he just offered five dollars and the boy said "okay" and gave him the condom.

After the guy left with the condom, the boy's mom goes up to the boy and asks, "what did that guy want," and the boy just replied, "oh i found this twinkie on the ground and i sold it to that guy. but the jokes on him because i already sucked out all the creme filling."

Haha. That's pretty messed up.


Here's an old joke. Hopefully someone hasn't heard it yet.

Jerry Sandusky is walking into a forest with a 10 year old boy.

The boy says "I want to go home. It's cold and it's rainy and I'm scared."

Jerry Sandusky says "You're scared? I'm the one that has to walk out of here alone."

 

[Drugstore Cowboy]

^hehe, i actually that one was cute. my mind is totally corrupt.


my other ones have ethnic slurs so i really oont wanna tell them here where others can get offended and ban me.

 

[Phlash]

^hehe, i actually that one was cute. my mind is totally corrupt.


my other ones have ethnic slurs so i really oont wanna tell them here where others can get offended and ban me.

PM please!

 

[Phlash]

What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? Eating the wheelchair.

 

[Drugstore Cowboy]

now all i can think of is Stephen hawking.

 

[Phlash]

now all i can think of is Stephen hawking.

Haha. Poor Stephen Hawking. Dude is a fucking genius though. So I guess he's got that going for him. I still wouldn't trade places with him.

 

[JayHawk]

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

 

[Lostlover]

Come on guys, I want to hear some dirty jokes....

Here is an anti-joke that I came up with. Kind of....


A black guy, a white guy and a mexican guy find a genie lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. He says "I will grant you all one wish." They're like WTF because usually genies grant 3 wishes to one person. But they all found it together so he only has to grant 3 wishes total. I guess that is the genie code. So they come to terms with that, and they decide that the black guy should go first.

So the the black guys says "I wish that all of my people were together again. Happy and shit." So the genie complies and all black people are transported to Africa, happy and together.

The white guy decides that the mexican should go next. The mexican says, "I wish that all of my people were together too. Happy and shit!" The genie complies and all of the mexicans are back in mexico.

The genie then goes to the white man and he says, "What is your wish?"

The white man says, "You are telling me that all of the black people are back in Africa, and all of the Mexicans are back in Mexico?"

The genie says, "Yes."

The white man says, "Well, that sucks. Because I married a Mexican woman, and we adopted a black baby... So where are they now?"

The genie says, "Uh, I guess your baby is in Africa, and your wife is in Mexico. I don't know exactly though because those people were very general with their wishes. So I just put them in those countries randomly."

The white man says, "Oh, I see. Well then genie, my wish is that you die."

The genie looks at him confused. Slowly he begins to realize what is going to happen to him. A single tear drop drops from his eye. Then he disappears into oblivion.

I didn't get this one.

Good idea of a thread though.


---

Two guys were about to have sex. And one guy says, "I'll be back soon. Please don't jack off." The other guy agrees. After returning and ready to have sex, one guy enters the room to see cum EVERYWHERE!

He angrily asks, "I thought I told you NOT to jack off!"

The other guy calmly replies, "I didn't jack off... I farted."

 

[Drugstore Cowboy]

^^and this is why i'm afraid of going to med school

 

[Phlash]

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

haha. Damn fine joke sir.

I didn't get this one.

Good idea of a thread though.


---

Two guys were about to have sex. And one guy says, "I'll be back soon. Please don't jack off." The other guy agrees. After returning and ready to have sex, one guy enters the room to see cum EVERYWHERE!

He angrily asks, "I thought I told you NOT to jack off!"

The other guy calmly replies, "I didn't jack off... I farted."

It's an anti joke. The original ending is the white guys says "Okay, I'll have a coke." I changed it to what he might say if this happened in the real world. It's suppose to take all of the fun out of the original joke while still being funny. I guess. Maybe it just fails though.

More anti jokes.


Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
___________


A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.

___________

There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.

___________

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

 

[Drugstore Cowboy]

i like that Alzheimer's one