Jory - Archived Blog Posts

[Jory]

while I writing this here instead of on the message board on the acount that I don't want to ruin anyones fun and I know that a majority of you will never go to my web page. For the last couple of days I been feeling like I really don't care what happens I just get throught the day I don't know I guess I am not feeling well liked and old almost useless I see other people who are my age no younger then me who have their lives together. while I feel like Fleet watching from the Crow's nest as the iceburge comes closer and closer usually when had this feeling I would go and buy something useless to make me happy for a little while but now even I have to stop myself because in the long run it is only a short term fix well I guess I can safely post this blog cause no will ever see.

 

[Jory]

Well today I begin to think about all the papers I have to do when it came to me what I hate about school. It's not the almost three hours in class or the reading. No what I really hate about school is typing. I hate have to sit at my desk an type out what seem to be an endless run of papers . I wish there was a way that I could write it out my hand and then it was transformed into a program that I could at least edit it Boy would that make my life easier.

 

[Jory]

Well this monday I saw my first shrink, now it was not for my sexual prefernce but for social reasons. When I was young and blond about 3 years old. I was the most extovert person on earth and damn cute too. Well any way duing this happy time I was an outgoing trusting person who could go up to anyone and have a converstation. Unfortunally all this stop when I started school and was tormented by other kids. This would cause a mental barrier to slowly grow around that personality of that blond hair 3 year old. So through most of my life I have been sitting on the sidelines too afraid to join in. I have thought about getting help but was to afraid that it would be a sign of weakness. But things begin to change with this site. I begin to revalue what was going on my life and where it was going. So I contacted my health provider and got the number for some help and then It took me about a week before I even got up the nerve to call one of them. Well I did and and saw him last Monday. Well to tell the truth if felt more like a job interview then a session which only lasted bout less then 15 minutes. He just ask me a bunch of questions then wrote out a priscription ( which I still have to get filled) then told me to come back in 3 weeks. Well will see what happens then and if anything interesting happens well who nows?

 

[Jory]

Well as some of you might know I recently posted a thred asking if anyone was going to gay day this Saturday at Disneyland. Well I've sort of went last year but I was not wearing red at the time but someother color. What is it was I don't remeber. But anyway I've decided I would go full force this year. But one of the problems was that I don't have a red shirt. or at least a nice one the only one I have is so faded that I decided to get a new one and here come the problem I hate shopping for myself. Shopping for other people is somewhat easy for me but for myself I get all bottled up I never know what looks good on me or stupid and to make matter worse I decide not go to the local mall but South Coast Plaza which is an upscale mall in Costa Mesa, California well that got it all started I was going from Macy to Nordstoms and Sack looking at damn Red shirts trying to find the one I like going back and forth across the mall and then to make matters even worse there was this hot security guard inTiffany's Tall broad sholders short blond hair oh God I mean....well any way I begin to think I wasn't going to find the shirt so Would go over to the book store to pick up a book I needed for school well while there I came across a small botiuque store of the kind of shirts I like that being Resort wear you know Tori Richards, Tommy Bahamas stuff like that well I finally found the shirt I like one damn shirt took me three hours of my life to buy. God I wish I could have a personal shopper.

 

[Jory]

Well as some of you might have remeber I did a little link about GayDay2 at the Magic Kingdom basically asking who was going and who was not. Well I had plan on going and with *gasp* a friend, and get this he's gay too. Now before we go any further that all we are just friend. So anyway the two of were to go and have a fun filled day at the Magic Kingdom....But some happens he has oral surgury (get your minds out of the gutter now.) and so he decided that he has to back out. This left me with two choice. One stay home and maybe go next year, or two go to the park by myself, and as you can guess by the title of this blog, I chose the second option.
Well I arrived at the park around a little after ten got my free parking (one of the perks with a premium pass) and was directed up to the third level in the parking structure which is the Mickey level, and which happens to be red Hmm I wonder. Well I go done and broad the tram to go take me to what I had hope would be a fun filled day. around me I saw all sort of gays and gals in red well I enter the park and head towards Aventureland where I go and get a fast past of the Indian Jone's ride after that I decide to take a ride on the jungle cruise. who know maybe I'll make some new friends.....everyone is straight on the ride I am the only red shirt there Oh well maybe the next ride no most every ride I go on me gay everyone striaght I think the only ride were I was not the only gay was Star Tours but the rest you get the picture. Well now for the reason for the the title during most of the day at the park I could see couple and groups of friend together having a wondereful time, But as for me I felt that I was totally invisable that no one took a secound glance at me as if I were not there I felt sometime like I was something in the their way in getting from point A to point B. Now I know some of you who are reading this are saying "Well it's your on damn fault, you should go up and make friend no one is going to do it for you." Well that is true however there as some of us on this little old blue ball who feel kind of unfortable in going up to some one or a group of people and saying; "Hi my name is ..... and I am gay I see your gay too can we be friends?" "Um waiter check please." What I am saying is that I don't like the idea of maybe being rejected. well my day at Disneyland ended at around 11:00 at which time I came home feeling as if I were alone in a world in which no one care about me one way or another.

 

[Jory]

Well as you might have read from the previous post that I had a rotton time yesterday. Which in way I did but for a brief moment there was so joy in my life almost to giddyness. While walking around alone, invisable and feeling rejected my the gay world. I had wondered over into Tommrowland. So I decided to go over and check the inoventions building. just to kill some time well I got in line waited to for the the big intro yada yada and went inside and walk around. check out a few thing then I was a scale that tell you how much you are here and on other planets will I got on the scale and was watching how much weight here on good old earth. Well I went up 150s to 160s then some happen around the high 160s it begin to slow down up still going up to the 170s were lo and behold it stop at 173 pounds I mean I just could not believe it I was trying to get to at least 177 but 173 pounds for that moment I felt like I was on top of the world. I had set out with a goal and it happen. The only thing that wished from that was that it would have lasted all day instead of an hour, but that was the best damn hour of the day.

 

[Jory]

As some of you here might suspect I have some emotional problem. I was the kid that most everyone would pick on at school. As I grew older I have become more and more withdrawn. In fact this is one of the out lets that I think in way is helping me with this problem. Well as some of you know some people turn to drugs or drinks to cope with their own little problems I instead turn to buying things for myself to make me feel a bit better about myself. I would buy things like book, CD, a camera , contact lense and such that before I knew it I had gotten in to so much dept that now I have to force myself to stop and try to confront that empty feeling that come over me from time to time in another way. Until I can find that latter that will once in for all take me out of this damn hole. Um If anyone is using it can I have when your finished?

 

[Jory]

I have gone through most of my life alone, now that does not mean that I don't have any friend or family which I do, what I mean is I never really had that special someone in my life, and at the age I am right now I am sort of set in my ways and in way kind of accept this as my lot in life. But sometiime late when I see a couple together be they gay or even stright I wonder what would it be like and how would I ever know it I know one of my problems is that I am too scared of getting hurt or I don't know hurting them. In all my life I can truthfully say that I never have been in love, So How would I ever know if I found the right one or just simple desperation instead. Also at my age and as emotionaly fucked up as I am,in truth I really don't want to start a relationship like that with all the baggaage I have oh hell it not baggage they're steamer trunks. But from time to time I wonder what it would be like not to have to go to bed alone.

 

[Jory]

Well as some of you here might remeber. I did a thred about never been to West Hollywood. well since then I been back now 3 times the secound time I was with friend we had gone to the Getty which he had never been to and then when we saw all that we could see in one visit decided to head back since the 405 was a parking lot we then decided to get off and head for WeHO we had dinner at the Abby walked round had a coffee at Starbuck and then went home. But this blog is bout my 3rd visit. The reason that I went down there was to say that I got a hair cut in West Hollywood although it was at Supercut in which one can find almost anywhere it was just the idea, and besides the guy who cut my hair was really cute. ( most often my hair is cut by females) well anyway getting that done. I was a bit hungry it was about oh 2 in the afternoon and I hadn't eaten since 10 that morning so I was hungry again. Went back to the Abby once more found a small table and sat and wait and watch the show going by as I sat there I often wonder if anyone ever notices me. now I don't mean Oh my God its him the love of my life or something like that but just to take time to say a simple hello how are you. Sometime that can make all the difference in a person's day.

 

[Jory]

While reading Bradlee latest blog it came to me that I also have some of those feelings. Now I don't mean that I hate every hot good looking guy there is, but I begin to compare myself to them and thus begin to find all my phyical fault. To me one of the biggest problem with the gay world is the idea of youth. In that if you are not in your 20s wearing the right cloths with the body that you get from three hours at the gym almost everyday With the right hair cut and color it. There I have the problem here I am 41 years old and the problem with older guys is if you want to catch someone's eye you either have to be a Sugar Daddy for real in which case is after you for you or your money? Or you too have to go the gym route get the hot body and wear what the 20 years old are wearing also and almost make a fool of ones self. Then there is the option of just giving up. Just going to work and home and leave it all the younger generation.

 

[Jory]

Where did you EVER get the idea you are not sexy???!!! YOU ARE/bashfulkid


For most of my life, I had a low self-esteem on how my body looked in fact I though I looked so bad I never took off my shirt. It was not because I was this fat overgrown kid um that will come latter on. The truth is I was quite the opposite in fact I would have given Elvn a run for his money I was skinny and lanky and most of my friends had to me great bodies so I tried my best to hide it and was rewarded with the farmers tan. well I a grew older I went to the other extreme in which I became overweight now I am covering up so no one can see the belly. In the fist part of my life I felt too skinny to be sexy and the second part of my life I felt too fat. In both these parts I remeber see all the guys in summer in tank tops or running around without shirts and wonder if I could ever look like them you know what I mean the well devopled arms nice chest flat gut and things like that well now I am in the beiing of the third part of my life and what that will bring? Well simpley stated "The Future not our to see"

 

[Jory]

Last week was like any other week got up went to work came home repeat. But all that changed on Wednesday it started like any other day got up and went to work but something happen around 2 in the afternoon I can home which must have been the worse headace of my life. and went straight to bed. and slept through the rest of the day until the next morning. THis is when thing went strange I went into my parents room and asked them if I had a job and where it was. Now I have had this job for over 4 years more or less but that morning I could not tell you what it was or where one of the first things they asked me is what kind of car I drove. Now I know I am gay but this is one thing with straight guys I have in common is cars. Most often if you asked me what kind of car I drove I would tell you make, model, color and horse power but that morning the only thing I knew is that it was white and that was all. With this was great concern in my family and they in turn called my personal doctor who in return suggested that we call 911 and get me to the hospital aftersome test I was release and return home at which I went back to bed until 9 in the evening the Thurday morning is the first things that I remeber since I don't know when the next day Friday I went to see my own doctor who in turns did some test and stated that I might of had a mild stroke that affected my short term memory. So as it stands now I am off work for 2 weeks and I go in for an MRI on Friday I hope and pray that it is only a minor problem and ask you all for your prayers to in this crisis that I am going through.

 

[Jory]

I am sorry but I have always been a big SciFi fan and right now that line from Babylon 5 has been running through my mind. Ever since all this has happent that is how I have been feeling as there is in fact a hole in my mind. I look at each of your names and I am most often have good feelings about them. But I cannot tell you exactlly why that is. But there it is, the other thing I have been doing is reading some of post that I had done before all of this happen and it feels not as I had done them recently but months ago and maybe even years ( okay heree a question to any one in the medical field is that common and will I have to learn to live with it?) As it stand right now I saw my doctor again Friday and he strongly suggested that I give up school of this semister which will be a pain in the next to drop ( have to get the sigs from my proffessors and the department head) and right now they are trying to get me set up for an MRI and I talk to my therpist on Thursday about all this and I am going on a field trip on Wednesday to Los Angeles to see the new Cathedrial with my mom's work it a day out of the house well that where things stand as of now until there is something new Jory OUt

 

[Jory]

This last week or so has been the most boring in my life. But Iam not as bored that I want to go Back to work the only reason for that is to pay bills. My doctor told me to take it easy. Oh which I am but he also stated no driving so here I am with out my car stuck most of the week at home the most excitement I have had is when a friend came over and we went out for a couple of hours it was nice just to be out of the house where the only thing I do is surf and watch t.v. and sometimes that can get boring too. I have thought what I will most likely do when I can I know it might be just by myself I do hope it is with a friend go to the mall, no bathhouse no not yet but soon no I think I will go to the Happiest place on earth because I will be the happiest person on the account that I will finally have some freedom of movement. I am counting the days until that happens and when it does you will all now if you want.

 

[Jory]

When I was growing up both my Grandmother's didn't drive and so I thought that was the norm for all Grandmothers but I soon learn that that was wrong. Well anyway after what happen to me the doctor said I could not drive but but for me this is only tempory so the last time that I drove any where was when I drove home from work on the 27th of Ocotber and I haven't driven since until the doctor clears me to do so. so I basically I am stuck at home. It get so bad that I am doing things that I would normally never dream of like cleaning out closets and stuff like that. Now I know why my Grandmother's Condo was so clean. It was because she was bored out of her mind for something to do. That is what I feel like right now part of me wishes that this would end so my life could get back to normal, but there is also a part that is enjoying not having to punch a time clock. But that is part of life that we all have to live with so I guess I am going to have to do that when the time, but I am not going to be too happy about that. Until then next left hook.

 

[Jory]

I Miss the kind of christmas I had when I was younger. Christmas now consists of on Christmas eve the four of us have a nice dinner then open our present then latter we watch t.v. take a walk and then later go to Christmas eve service. Christmas day now is spend doing nothing or getting ready for when the rest of the family comes over for christmas dinner depending on whose turn it is to have it.

But that is not the christmas I am talking about the one I miss is the one where the that christmas started when the Sear's Wishbook came in the mail. where Christmas Eve was spent not at home with just the four of us but with my Fathers huge family at Uncle Jim's in which we all got two gifts one from granny and the other from the gift exchanged. Where it was the one of the two night of the year where I got to stay up until midnight. The other being the retail clerks party at Disneyland in late October.

I miss going home looking up in the sky for a sledge pulled by eight reindeer. Not being able to sleep because Santa was coming and there would be something in front of the fireplace for me and my brother. I miss being told to go back to bed at 7 in the morning because it was still too early to open present. Sitting in front of the presents in the livingroom trying to figure out what were in the brightly wrappped present. then being told I had to eat before we could open anything up.

The hours of playing with my new toys until it was time to get ready for christmas with my mom's side of in which Christmas dinner was at either our house, Grandma and Grandpa's, Uncle Chuch and Aunt Arlene or Uncle Dick and Aunt Carol's house.

I miss all the cousins mainly Randy who was a year younger then I. Having Dinner then waiting for what seen like forever for all the dishes to be washed and put away before we could open any presents. This was before any of us had dishwasher. Then when all of the present were wrapped one of the uncles or my father would sneak out of the house and put on a Santa suit to give out even more presents.

The funny thing about that is that my cousin was so scared of santa the he would dive under the table and drag me along with him. While I wanted to go out and get my present he would hold me back from the danger that was Santa. after words my cousins would soon be out like a light and I on the other hand would still be ready to go.

I know that I cannot go back to a christmas like that but sometime I wish that those christmas was still around when the whole family could be together this one time of the year.

 

[Jory]

Well this I just finished my first week of work. Orginally I was suppose to go back to work on the 29th of November according to my pychiatrist felt that I was ready to go back. When he told me and then asked him if I was able to drive. I stated that he would not allow it until I had the EEG and the MRI. So when my mother came to pick me up from the doctor's office I told her the good news that I could go back to work but I could not drive. So someone would have to take me and pick me up. Being able to go back to work made her happy but the transportation issue was another story. She begin to talk about taking the bus. Luckly for both of us it did not get into that on the account that she called my Nuriolologist to find out how he felt about me going back, and stated that he though it was a bad idea until we all knew what was going on up in my head. Well after some calls I finally got the two test. the EEG first and later on the MRI. which I had on a Tuesday I then turned in the X-Rays to the doctors office and the had me come back for a consultation on Friday on the account that he was booked up one Thursday. When I went in on that Friday I in fact never saw him instead one of the nurses came out and stated the the doctor could find nothing wrong and I was could go back to my normal life. After getting a note from the good doctor, who in fact could of called and give me the good news. I then called my work and informed them that I would be back to work on Monday.

The first day I was back I found things had changes some for one thing we all had assigned parking areas now, and so for the first three day I had to park out way out in what I called the field. work in fact has gotten a little more easier there is more help then I use to have and as the week progressed I got more and more of my responibliltie back and even a parking pass.

But also I begin to wonder if this is all I can do if there is more for me I am a worth what they pay me or I am I worth more? I know some of you might be saying well if you think you are worth more then go out and get it. There is two reasons I don't right now the first is debt and the second is that as someone I know once stated I don't sparckle, in that I do not have the ablity to charm a person into thinking that I am the right person for the job. I try to get by being the most honest person I can be. So as it stand I am here for awhile. But who knows maybe one day something good will come my way or I will have the courage to go and get it myself. but until the next left hook this is all have to say.

 

[Jory]

Right now I am feeling that there is no exsitment in my life. That basically it consitsit of Monday through Friday getting up and going to work and doing the same damn thing everyday. then Coming home and going to the gym 3 days a week then going on line until it is time to go to bed.

Now I don't want you all to think that I do not enjoy being here which I do. it just that sometimes I wonder what it would be to have a "quote" real life. To go out and do new and wonderful things. I know I can just do it but at my age really let be practicle shall we. I really don't feel like going out when I have to get up early to go to work and by the time the weekend is here I have no idea what to do. It been that way for the most of my life. Me: "Well what do you want to do?" Friend: "I don't know what do you want to do?" Me: "We could......" Friend:" No I dont want to do that. So what do you want to do"

The thing is I wish I could do more things to make mylife and those around me seem more intresting and fun. But until that happens you and I are stuck together.

 

[Jory]

For those of you who replyed to my Thread about what one thing you hated about your appearance. I first want to say thank you for taking the time to post something. I know it can be hard. I was damn hard for me too. I really dont like admitting that I am losing my hair it make me feel so old.

Well some of the post about bald me got me thinking. Now for the record I am not ready and I might never be ready to shave it all off I know that on some men like Soilwork he can pull it off with his looks. The only thing he and I have in common in looks is hight and eye color. but after christmas I was thinking about getting a shorter cut then I usually get. Most often when I get my hair cut it was with number 5 razor, or however you want to say it. well Sunday if I dont chicken out and change my mind I was thinking about going with a number 3 to start and if I really got brave go on to a number 2. But right now I am sitting on the fence maybe if I felt if I had the right kind of build who knows but as thing stand I will not know what I am going to do until the end of week. So until then happy jubbing

 

[Jory]

Okay now here I am writing my third blog in less then a month there must be something wrong here. Well anyway I know that I was going to do this physical change after Christmas but I decided that I just wanted to get it over before I chickened out.

I too have to admit that it looks better then what it was before. Oh shock Jory is actually saying something positive about himself. Now before you call the doctors to make sure that I have not been hit on my head.

I am going to give you the truth on why it is so hard for me to take a complement. In truth I do know that I am not butt ugly but at the same time I also know that I would never be considered model material.

So why the self put downs I think it all started when I was young I was constantly put down, now not by my family who always tried to give me a positive outlook but on my school peers. As you know can guess it I was the one who was picked on constantly in school.

In fact sometime school could be a living hell for me and other time it could be okay the only good thing was that I lived so close to school that I could get home quickly. Eventually I was sent to a private schools which was a little more better for me, but still there were times when I would bump into an old schoolmate and there was one time I wish I hadn't one girl saw me and with such hatered yell out at the top of her voice FUCK YOU I had never done anything to her I was only going to the store.no more and no less but still even today words like that hurt me to the quick.

I know that it is in the past and should be dead and buried but still sometimes it hard to not wonder what I had done and if I could do anything different. Now that is why I have a hard time with complements. The other reason is that I feel that I am not witty enough.

Now I know that some of you based on my post are going to say "Jory you are plenty witty or something liked that. But remember posting and talking in real time are two different things If I don't know how to reply to a thread I can on to something else in real life sometimes you don't have that option and I feel like my mind has gone completely blank. Well lucky for you all this is all I can think of writing sorry for going on with such inane dribble maybe one day I too can write a more upbeat blog but until that time thanks for the use of your eyes