Just a Few Thoughts...

[framacias]

I am 21...and not okay with myself at times.
i am a fairly discreet guy...i dont try to be it just happens like that. i had a really weird gap/part in my teenage years. dont get me wrong i did lots of fun things, normal things for the most part. (i.e. going out to parties, meeting up with friends, staying at friends houses, etc.) but the downfall on all of that was the fact that i was hiding behind a mask...not literally....but still. i was terrified about telling anyone about my "deeeeeeeeep darrrrrrrk secret" ...
(here comes the typical part)
i grew up at this place...seriously i moved there when i was 3 and didnt move out of that town until i was like 18....
i lived in a small hick town. (seriously i cannot stress that enough!) i mean...our "mall" had consisted of only like 4 stores(...as the years of me living there passed it became a building for the state...)and like the majority of people living there were intersted in the FFA and Riding and ragging on black people for whatever reason. ( i am really not intending for this to hurt anyones feelings, im just trying to stress the severity of me saying a small hick ass town.)
well i discovered in my middle school years that i was different. but i did a very good job of denying it. i had girlfriends and what not up until my Freshmen year. hell up until my senior year i had messed around with a few girls. but there was that first experience that i had with this guy one night at a party that just really jacked me up. in the sense that it left me at a state of being horribly confused with my life. now dont get me wrong, after i had that experience i was really ...i guess...depressed...i mean i went to school and straight home (at this time i was a sophmore in High school) which was odd for me...my best friend, we'll just leave the name at D, had confronted me about it and i told her what had happened. now keep in mind a LOT of people thought i was like this fuckin "P.I.M.P". i had guys even asking me all the time how i do it...as in having a trail of girls behind me...well that shouldve been a fucking clue to me being gay or whatever. girls traveled with me. hahaha. anyways, well D was totally shocked...i mean i was crying my eyes out to her, i was embarrassed and scared and anything under that... we spoke nothing about it for a while. until i started to get some attention from certain guys at school she would point it out and stuff and it was so weird. i was like "whoa...wtf is goin on?" haha. anyway well that guy i messed with became a person that i met up with every so often for the next year and a half or so. i mean it was weird. i had a thing for him. i was crushed when i heard that one of my girl friends even slept with him. it was all just new feelings. anyway, well years go by (and theres lots of funny/lame/weird/ stories i can tell you but im sure this is getting....WAY to long)...i get a lil comfortable about the dilema i was/am in and let some of my closest friends know whats going on with me...and its like a big fucking shock. like i was always questoning how in the hell did no one ever guess... i have told like...maybe 8 or so people (give or take) which is not a lot. now theres a few other people who found out one way or another, some by me .... i guess spending some "quality time" haha with them or something.
i have since then moved away to a city. a nice sized one. i have gone to only 1 gay club, i have been in only 1 very short relationship (when i say short i mean short as in long enough to find out how well you like a job you just started..haha) and thats it. i really dont have any gay friends, or anything. i cannot really talk to anyone i guess. my best friend and roommate D seems a bit turned off by me talking about it sometimes ( or at least thats the feeling i get, sometimes) she always tells me how nasty anal sex is etc etc. so im guessing or looking too much into it. not sure yet. (that probably doesnt make any sense...sorry)
i guess my main problem and what not is...just coming to terms of this. i mean...im scared more than anything...
i am sure that my family has a good idea. but still. comments that are made...im not sure if they are nonchalantly just throwing their opinion out there or what....
im more unsure about things i guess. just by reading this, it should give you a good idea of how i am. i was saying all this in my head when i was typing so its coming out the way its intended. (seriously i havent deleted unless i made a small grammatical error)...
so in regards to this whole thread thingy, im sure lots of yall read this same thing over and over again....i can add a lot more, i just wanna see if anyone has any input for me at all...
i am very open minded and not to easily offended.
i just hope lots of yall out there are the same...

thanks again. & sorry if this is basically a wordy repost..
(cue the sad music)

 

[Eagle653]

Hi framacias and welcome to JUB and this forum.

Growing up in the backwoods hick town you did almost certainly played a mind-game on you that is still active (more or less) to this day.

No one here really knows whether those closest to you, especially your family, know or not. You seem to suspect they do, so there's a good possibility. In fact, many of us are not nearly as good as "hiding" this as we like to think we are.

Anyway, it seems you've come out to yourself at least and are ready to move on. But, how? When? With whom? Those are the big questions and, in your case, depressing questions.

Start small and be patient. First, find some gay friends--not necessarily sexual ones, just gay friends to hang with and in whose company you enjoy. Network through friends and find others and, eventually, you might find someone who catches your eye.

Many straight friends don't get gay sex. At best, they try to be accepting and nice, etc., but it's really difficult to be "campy" around straight people. It just conjures up all sorts of images that repulses them (poor things). That's why you need to build a network of support and friends with whom you can be you and feel comfortable with. Houston is a big place, and there are those opportunities there.

Good luck and welcome again! Let us know how you're doing.

 

[screwnutty]

Hello framacias!

I can relate to your story perfectly!! I've lived in my small hick town all my life (32 years worth) and well it was horrible at some points, it was also great at others....best thing about my town though! Watching it change! Most of the close minded bigots have passed on and those that movie here are very open-minded!! It's great and I love it!

Now I have to agree 100% with everything averageguy has said in his post! Really good that you signed up to JUB!! You can find people here that will talk to you and answer any questions and also were a fun group!

If you ever want to chat...just look in my profile for my MSN address. I'm not on everyday but if you PM me first then i set aside a time to chat with you!

Anyways, good luck and welcome to JUB!!

 

[framacias]

haha yeah that sounds good. but i guess its hard to do some of those things when youre...
timid.
haha. i just feel like im fucked either way. im more worried of just ending up at a dead end. its been like...i guess...
burnt into my skull that its something that people frown on...i mean of course theres numerous things that people do that others do not approve of, but i guess this one goes up there on the high end of the list. i really dont mean to sound so much like an arrogant person. im not.
its just more of the being scared and the outcome of me coming out....

 

[screwnutty]

Everybody is scared in the beginning Framacias. The key is to overcome your fear. As you become more comfortable in your own skin and with your the real you. Thinks will fall into place. I guess coming out is like a jigsaw puzzle, all the pieces of your life or the life you thought you had were there in the beginning and then something (in this case coming to terms that your gay) broke up that picture and now your left with the pieces scattered all across the table. But with a little effort, a lot of glue and a whole bunch of time....you can rebuild the picture! Just take each day as it comes and try not to get ahead of yourself.


To show my total geek side allow me to use the movie the Matrix as an example of how one day you will deal with all this stuff!

Neo: What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?
Morpheus: No, Neo. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to.

That's the true!!

 

[framacias]

hahah.
thats a good movie line there.
you worded it really good. but its more factors. im making this so much more confusing than what it needs to be im sure.
im scared. plain and simple. just like i have said. an exsample of why i have this strong feelings is mainly for comments that have been made to me or around me...

this past weekend there was this xmas party i had went to. (company xmas party) anyway, well i had suggested that a few of the people that work there and their guests come over to my house for some drinks and etc. so they did.
i had to go on a beer run and i was blocked in by this other car. so the guy who drove the car (keep in mind this guy is "married" with this chick i worked with) anyway, so we rode to the store, at this time we were piss ass drunk. he started talkin about the first time he saw me...(again keep this in mind as well...i had never spoken to this person ever in my life, first time to meet him was that night.) he thought i was gay. he said the way i had my hair combed/fixed the way i dressed and the way i talked lead him to believe that. now im not the most trendy person alive, nor am i tacky. but i dont think anything i own constitutes as me being gay...much less define me as a person. i had asked him when he had saw me and like, he explained the whole scenario..."i went to go talk to Vanessa and i had saw you in that room, then i heard you talk to somebody while i was in the hallway..." blah blah blah. i was like okay... and i recall my roommate telling me some guy was staring at me a few weeks ago. so i was like hmmm...anyway, well he said "i even asked vanessa if you were gay and she said nah, youre cool" and when i started to talk to you earlier tonight, i figured yeah this guy is cool...i immediatly got offensive...and i blurted out...so if i was gay would that change your opinion of me? and he was like well nah man..i mean i dunno...than it was quiet. so he blurts out while we are listening to music "...so do you take it or give it?"
i didnt know what to do. i mean i was like what kinda queston is that. i didnt know how to handle the situation...
after a bit of rambling, (i dont remember those parts, for i was drunk and next time i will remember that i shouldnt drink so much when meeting new people...anyway, he ended the conversation with , "as long as youre ...ack...i mean as long as theres no homos hitting on me i will be okay..."
...and im thinkin to myself wtf? i didnt even make a move. or even hint to it.
why have to have judgements passed on other people that you dont know...especially by some superficial things like that....
anyway. we got home. and he was just really nice the whole night, anytime i backed away to talk to other people, he would some how make his way by me.
which made me even more confused.

im at this point where im never sure who i can tell or talk to about it....
my roommate was convinced he was gay. i wasnt even trying to look at him like that. i was turned off by the comments he made. so with that being said, this is one of the many things that make me scared on coming out. i know this was lengthy but i guess it was a semi- good exsample...
in a way...
hopefully this can help clarify some things i am trying to point out...or something.
haha.
oh and if anyone else wants to respond,
i go by javi. framacias reminds me of some legal jargons...haha.

 

[framacias]

now lets cue the sad music.
haha. (im trying to have a positive out look on things...)

 

[screwnutty]

Hey Javi!

Okay so some drunk guy thought you were gay. Big deal. I won't take offense to his comments about he's okay with gays as long as he doesn't get hit on. Sometimes people just have a third eye for this kind of thing. Second, If he did have a problem with you being gay...he wouldn't have told you that "he doesn't have a problem as long as he's not hit on".

That matrix line still holds true! One day Javi, when your ready and 100% comfortable being gay....then you won't have to dodge bullets. (or in this case dodge the are you gay question) On that day you go, yes I am Gay and as for how I like it, why are you asking...are you hitting on me?!

You have the power to shape your own world...don't let somebody else ever use that power against you!

Good luck Neo! Watch the matrix again, except think of New coming out gay. In the beginning he doesn't know what's going on (like your feelings) and then he tries to deny it (he's not the savour like morpheus says he is!!) and when the oracle tells him your not the one in this life....maybe the next. (that's you killing this person that you pretend to be to please others and coming back as your real self)

What is the matrix? It's whatever you want it to be!

Oh remember....take the white pill and wake back up and not remembering anything but a bad dream.....take the red pill and you find out how far the rabbit hole goes!!


TAKE THE RED PILL!!


Good luck!