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Just a little venting

C

Caeth

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Ok so I just need to write this up so I have at least something I can neurotically check online except facebook lol.

I, unfortunately, have an anxiety problem. I took some medication 2 months ago for it...turns out I was extremely sensitive to it...and even though I took it for only a week I still have the effects from it.

Which is good and bad...I'm much much less anxious before (it's so liberating it makes me want to cry)..but unfortunately there are some side effects- headaches and it's much harder to maintain an erection.
I'm also afraid that it's returning slowly...and fuck that would be the worst thing possible.

Writing this might help with that anxiety hopefully...god knows I've chatted with my friends about my issues enough lol.

I'm not in a "bad" situation per se...the only reason it's bad is because of my fucking out-of-control anxiety.
So I went on a date yesterday with the most freaking amazing guy ever and all i can think of is how much of an awkward fool I was...when instead I should just be taking it easy...focusing on school (i'm a bit behind)...and just not working myself up about it.

The date wasn't bad...we had coffee and chatted. Plus we had already slept together a couple days prior...drunkenly after a party of course. I guess I'm more anxious because I just have no clue how he could see anything in me. And moreso...I wish I was as put together as he is...I've been working towards it and I've made a lot of progress but god I'm no where close to that. Most people aren't though I think lol.

I just can't help feel like I'm some pauper and he's the rich prince lol. And I wish I didn't work myself up so much before hand...otherwise I wouldn't have been so freaking nervous. In any case...it's probably all over anyway. I was too damn boring and definately not muscled enough for him. I know some of his ex-boyfriends...they are freaking gorgeous.

And I hate that I feel bad about myself...cause I shouldn't! My life is freaking good...especially compared to what it was before. I have friends, lots of guys are interested in me, I'm out to everyone and loving my sexuality, school is going pretty damn good, and I've made some damn good memories. But that doesn't matter it all goes to shit cause I can't fucking control my head grrrrrrrrr.

I just wish I knew for a fact what he thinks of me...that way if it's over then I can just focus on moving on- and if it's not I can do a happy dance lol. Unfortunately I just can't tell! And how the hell do I get over this feeling of being inferior to him? I don't want him to see that I'm weak...or that I think I'm weak...that'll just turn him off! I'm trying to be strong(er)...but damn...that's just not me usually.
 
Man, I am in the same boat right now. Well, I guess not as much as an anxiety attack or anything, but those thoughts you're having-- right here, too. Luckily I have a crapload of homework to do that will occupy my time for a couple more days. Hopefully I'll just stop thinking about it and let whatever happens happen.
 
Stress brings out anxiety too -- and school is stressful, believe it or not.
 
So many people deal with anxiety. You're lucky to have someone at this moment though, so stick with it!

^_^b
 
Naw I doubt I'll hear from him ever again =(

Yeah I'm just trying to focus on school so I don't get bad marks heh. Then....drink like WOAH this weekend.
 
I'm confused! :confused: You had a pretty good date and now you don't think you'll see him again? Now, that sounds like giving up before you even tried!

Were the previous dates initiated by him? Maybe it's time for you to take that initiative. That will sure help to prevent him thinking that you're weak. Besides, that is what you're concerned about!

It will take guts but I think it's worth regardless of the outcome. There's no guarantee that it will work but you learn, and you grow stronger.
 
Well if it were a normal person then yeah it would be considered an all right first date...just surface getting to know you stuff.

But I can't help feeling I bored him to death cause he's not exactly a normal person lol.

Ahhh i just want to stop worrying and be myself. I just say the most stupid things when I overthink things and feel awkward. Whatever...I just have to separate myself from the outcome. Once I stop caring how things turn out I'll calm down....that's just hard to do!
 
>>>But I can't help feeling I bored him to death cause he's not exactly a normal person.

So you'd rather just assume he's got no interest than find out for sure? Cutting right to the chase, are we? "Let's skip past all the other dates and get to the 'this isn't working out' speech"? :)

Normal people are a myth. There's no such thing. Most of us spend thinking that everybody's out of our league. Guess what - we're ALL in the same league. Ugly folks hook up with beauties. Rich people with poor. Muscled with fat. It happens. I'm not saying it necessary WILL happen, in this case, but it COULD. But you've got to give it a chance to.

Give it that chance.

Lex
 
yeah I know you're right...
I have to stop assuming the worst. He could find what I say cute hehe...who knows.
 
I got mostly everything under control yesterday night before going out. Later I bumped into his roommate and he said "i've heard a lot about you" so I guess he likes me lol.

I'm gonna try to catch up with my studies while he's away for the weekend...and then wait for him to call me next week when he gets back.

As long as I don't freak out if he doesn't I think I'll be fine.
 
Okay, listen up.

Binge drinking is just foolish.....and a great way to fuck up your anxiety medications too.

You may need a balancing act for your SRI's. Talk to your doc whenever the meds don't seem to be working.

I also suspect you could really benefit from some counselling as well to help you reduce the psychological stress triggers. There's way too much in your posts to just be the result of chemical imbalance.
 
The drinking business is not good for you, knock it off right now! As to your assertion that this guy isn't normal, I beg to differ. He gets up in the morning and puts his pants on the same as you or anybody else. He probably doesn't see himself as you see him. Because you've got this inferiority complex thing going on, you feed into it. You feel that he's too good for you and you'll act in a manner so as to drive him off.

Then you will have fulfilled your own self expectations, further depressing your self esteem. You have to accept that you are a worth while person who people find attractive. Let it happen. Get some new meds that don't affect you as adversely as the others you've taken. Good luck!
 
Maybe you need a different anxiety medication or a different dosage - talk to the doctor who prescribed it to you, and perhaps he can prescribe something else. I used to take Librium for anxiety, and I used to take 25mg, but now I can take 10mg and get the desired effect. Most of my anxiety comes from reactions to other medications, such as certain antibiotics and even Claritin, which are not supposed to have that effect. If you are taking any other medications - including over the counter allergy medicine - discuss that with your doctor.

Alcohol will reduce anxiety but is addictive and is not a good choice, especially for a daily basis.
 
rareboy said:
Okay, listen up.

Binge drinking is just foolish.....and a great way to fuck up your anxiety medications too.

You may need a balancing act for your SRI's. Talk to your doc whenever the meds don't seem to be working.

I also suspect you could really benefit from some counselling as well to help you reduce the psychological stress triggers. There's way too much in your posts to just be the result of chemical imbalance.
Click to expand...

Great wisdom, and it sounds like it was learned the hard way.
Good advice, but not so easy to follow.
Good luck.
Shep+
 
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