Just an update

[Link25]

Hi guys, I just thought i'd stop in to update on my progress as far as online dating and finding friends is going. I don't have many people I can talk to about this so I am here for support (I hope that's ok).

In the summer I tried making some friends since I don't have any but unfortunately I only had one guy meet up with me as friends but that quickly ended as he ignored my trying to make plans with him again. I thought we had fun (at least I did) but I guess it was just a one time thing. I did wonder if I did something wrong but I can't think of anything that I would have done differently - I felt great that night after I got back home.

I did get one date - my first date - yes, my first date at 33 years old. It wasn't great - I'm not even sure i'd call it a "date" to be honest although i'm not sure what that even is but it wasn't at all like I pictured it. Maybe my expectations were too high? Needless to say we didn't really click and it ended quickly. I drove about an hour to meet him by his home. Not a big deal for me, but I am willing to travel.

Since then, I've been on multiple dating sites which all contain the same men - No messages from other guys but I do sometimes get one or two word replies to messages I send out. I mix it up - sometimes I write a good amount about their profile and interests and other times I just casually say a few lines because a lot of profiles are not real detailed - not much to go off of.

I still struggle with this daily. I get excited about getting a reply from someone only to have them disappear almost instantly - I'm not sure what's worse - no response or the lame response where I get the message loud and clear there's no interest in me.

I do wish I knew what I could change about myself other than my appearance. I am clean cut and dress well - I lost weight and take care of myself but I can't change my face.

It's been suggested that I get offline and get out there to talk to guys in person. I try and be extra outgoing to any guys I run into but I can tell I have no chance in most cases. I'm not hitting on models either, trust me.

As far as hooking up goes, I had one encounter but the second time I tried it - I just didn't feel right about it at all and it felt so cold - perhaps i'm just too shy and not adventurous enough to meet some random guy for a hook up - I feel uncomfortable going to some guys house who I don't even know - am I weird for that? I'm probably being ridiculous but one encounter left me wanting to get out and fast - I need trust.

I know i've said in the past that i'm going to stop with the online dating thing but I always go back to it - It's nice to know the guys you are hitting on are at least gay.

I worry about the future - what am I going to do alone? I get lonely (I guess we all do at some point) but everyone around me is living a normal "adult" life and I feel left behind. I'm ok doing stuff alone, but there are times I want someone to share an experience with - I want affection and well, love - but I am losing hope. Trying to keep my head up and maybe one day things will turn around.

Anyway, just thought i'd write to get this off my chest (again).

Thanks guys for your support!

 

[KaraBulut]

Underlying your threads is a sense of urgency because you're 33. Many gay men will tell you that they had a lot of fun when they were in their twenties but that serious dating/relationships didn't happen until later in their twenties (and often even later). One reason behind the delay is that, until recently, gay men didn't get started with dating/relationships until their twenties (in contrast to their straight peers who started dating when they were in their mid-teens).

From your latest update, it sounds like things are going as expected. Dating accomplishes two things- it is an exercise in meeting people and when it works out, it's an exercise in developing a relationship with another person (even if the relationships are short-lived). A lot of dates are one-time only things- either there isn't an attraction or if there is an attraction, it just ends in a one-night stand. Occasionally dates turn into friendships. Occasionally a single date becomes a second date and another and another.

The important thing is that you're putting yourself out there, meeting people, finding what works for you and you are learning social skills that make the dating process easier.

One of the issues that seems to come up in your threads is a feeling of social isolation and a lack of other gay friends to socialize and talk with. Working on that is probably as important as dating. Having a group of friends to hang out with and to talk with would be very helpful in putting everything into perspective.

 

[Link25]

Thank you for responding.

I guess that's true about gay men not starting serious relationships so early in life (well, most), soI guess all hope is not lost. I think a part of that feeling of urgency is that I feel like i've missed out on the "fun". I've never had the friends to do the hangout/club thing, I don't have any "experiences" to share and I can't say been there, done that.

aside from family, I don't have any friends or acquaintances that I can call up and go out with. God knows i've tried and I'll keep trying. I don't think i'd be so crazy about dating if I just had some sort of social life to keep me occupied but not having either is what I think makes it seem worse.

I'm sure there are other guys in my situation and I even see on dating sites that there are guys looking for just friends - yeah, I've tried that route too and approached some guys in that way - no strings attached - no pressure - just trying to meet someone new - but no, not interested.

It's been difficult but I guess I need to just keep trying and one day things will turn around.

 

[PalacePaul]

I admire your determination about keeping trying it.
I totally understand your situation. I don't have many friends, and I only see them occasionally; I can't call them and just go out. I never had a long term relationship. I've tried online dating different times on different sites but it never worked for me. Now I don't want to do it again, I don't expect any results. Maybe I should put more effort on it... I don't know, the time and effort I already put weren't worth it.
I don't want to sound pessimistic or decourage you. I think you have the right attitude and you are doing everything to get what you want. Obviously your chances are much higher than mine. Good luck!

 

[Link25]

I admire your determination about keeping trying it.
I totally understand your situation. I don't have many friends, and I only see them occasionally; I can't call them and just go out. I never had a long term relationship. I've tried online dating different times on different sites but it never worked for me. Now I don't want to do it again, I don't expect any results. Maybe I should put more effort on it... I don't know, the time and effort I already put weren't worth it.
I don't want to sound pessimistic or decourage you. I think you have the right attitude and you are doing everything to get what you want. Obviously your chances are much higher than mine. Good luck!

Thanks for your response as well. Like you, I put in a lot of time and effort into the online dating thing - and money as well. I've spent hours looking for people I had stuff in common with, trying to find the right words to say to send that first message - to either get a one or two word response (and no follow up) or nothing at all does hurt. I have to admit my self esteem took a huge hit when this started happening. This has been going on for about 2 years now. I even tried to the "looking for a friend" approach because I am - I thought that might help ease the whole i'm not attracted to you thing and at least maybe find someone to talk to. No, that doesn't work (even when their profile states they are looking for friends too). I was hoping to at least get some attention from other guys too - not just me making the first move. No such luck.

I've tried multiple sites, but you really are just dealing with the same group of men in your area - It's getting to the point where I can't even remember if I was previously rejected by someone.

I highly doubt I'll just casually meet someone while hanging out somewhere although that is a dream of mine.

Oh well, I guess there's really nothing else I can do at this point but stay positive.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm not sure if there are LGBTQ organizations in your area, but, if so, I'd consider joining. Meeting a bunch of people in a non-threatening environment increases the odds of finding compatible people.

 

[Link25]

I'm not sure if there are LGBTQ organizations in your area, but, if so, I'd consider joining. Meeting a bunch of people in a non-threatening environment increases the odds of finding compatible people.

Yes, that's an option - thank you - I'll look into it. I decided to (again) give up on the online dating. I've spent way to many hours and put in a lot of effort into finding someone and what came back was very, very little. One bad "date" in two years hardly seems worth the trouble.

I guess I'll look for some type of group(s) to join again - thanks for the advice.

 

[Seasoned]

Random groups of people can provide easy to make friendships rather than having to rely on "sparks," "types, " and the like. Best wishes to you!

 

[Link25]

Random groups of people can provide easy to make friendships rather than having to rely on "sparks," "types, " and the like. Best wishes to you!

Thank you Seasoned.

 

[scooter63]

Hey Link25, I hear you on the online dating sites and responses. I too have been members of online sites and still am an active member of Match. I am not going to renew my membership when it comes up either. You get very few responses and those that you do get seem to disappear just as fast as they showed up in your inbox. And yes, it really watch the members on each site, they are all the same people so the pool never got larger but just shrank. Also, I was reading a couple reviews on several other sites that I was thinking of joining and it really made me think about why no one responds to messages. It was stated by a lot of people that they had cancelled their membership and deleted their accounts and yet their pictures and profiles are still being listed on the sites as if they are active members. So if they are stacking the deck with inactive members how is one to know and weed out. This way they can claim a larger number of people who are using the site and make it seem like everyone is using such a such site. Makes it really hard for people who are looking and searching in true faith and yet are getting shafted.

 

[Link25]

Hey Link25, I hear you on the online dating sites and responses. I too have been members of online sites and still am an active member of Match. I am not going to renew my membership when it comes up either. You get very few responses and those that you do get seem to disappear just as fast as they showed up in your inbox. And yes, it really watch the members on each site, they are all the same people so the pool never got larger but just shrank. Also, I was reading a couple reviews on several other sites that I was thinking of joining and it really made me think about why no one responds to messages. It was stated by a lot of people that they had cancelled their membership and deleted their accounts and yet their pictures and profiles are still being listed on the sites as if they are active members. So if they are stacking the deck with inactive members how is one to know and weed out. This way they can claim a larger number of people who are using the site and make it seem like everyone is using such a such site. Makes it really hard for people who are looking and searching in true faith and yet are getting shafted.

Very interesting and I definitely won't be paying for anything like that again.