Just Another Bump In The Process?

[mc7777]

I was going to wait to post a coming out update from my original post, but I ran into something that just has bugged the shit out of me. So I just wanted to get some opinions.

Real quick update just so you know where I am at: I am out to all my close friends. My entire social circle knows, my family doesn’t know, and that is for personal broken family reasons. All my friends have been great and I couldn’t ask for more. I have also started to socialize with other gay people and have plans to hit some clubs, pride parades, LBGT Centers, etc. Things are going great!

However, while texting my best girl-friend, she said that I needed to, “cut loose and be more human like.” I told her I was offered head by an older gay guy and that I wasn’t comfortable taken advantage of the offer. Not only that I preferred someone more my age. That and I don’t want my relationship with him involving sex as he has been a great friend and influence.

I don’t believe she was being insulting about it, but she suggested in the meantime as I continue my coming out process, I should just do it. As foolish as this may sound, I feel like if I don’t branch out like this, I am hiding from progress or am too scared to do anything. I really don’t feel like I am. I was sexually active a while back with guys before I came to terms with who I am. It just seems like while I am going through the motions and making progress coming out I have been busy dealing with the process and the emotions (which the lows are fewer and fewer now, thank goodness!) If I decline this, am I willing to deny myself of other things, and happiness like I did when I was in the closet? I came out so I could face myself and be more human like (have actual feelings for another, relationships, internal happiness.)

I really feel like by going through the process of coming out and branching out, I am doing the right thing, by going at my pace, and how I think I should do it. I offer my proof of results. For fuck sake I had trouble saying the word “gay,” at first!! I can say it now, own it, be proud of it, and most certainly used it coming out to friends. I have come out to about 15 friends. That’s 15 talks and subsequent conversations, answering questions, and now having fun joking with my friends about it. Again I have to say, even my girl-friend, everyone has been amazing. I now see how lucky I am to have such amazing people around me with their full support.

I just wanted to get some opinions on this hang up issue. Sorry for the length and cluster fuck of details! Thank you for any feedback!

 

[Seasoned]

I don't see this as a hang up. Just because a lot of people treat sex lightly doesn't mean you have to. Just because your girlfriend has a suggestion doesn't mean you you need to agree. No one will ever know you better than you. When someone offers advice, take what you like and leave the rest. When someone offers you head, say yes or no according to your thoughts and feelings. Personally, I think he crossed the line with that offer owing to the fact he's had some influence advising you and offering emotional support. Do what you want to do and don't do what you don't want to do regardless of anyone's offer or opinion.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

First of all, congratulations! It's so awesome that you're feeling so much better and that you have amazing friends! You have a lot to be grateful for right now, realize that!

I agree with Seasoned. If this guy was a great friend, it seems he's overstepped a boundary.

But I feel like it should be noted that the term "human-like" is a horrible term. It gives the idea that there is only one right way to come out. It also gives the idea that all "humans" just go and have sex whenever with whoever. That's entirely false. The process is different for everyone and should be done at your own pace. But it looks like you know that so keep doing what you know is best for you!

If it didn't feel right taking this guy's sexual offer, then don't. If you wanna go ahead and be sexually active, that's ok, but you need to be comfortable with the situation.

Also think about this: if you were sexually active before, how is it not branching out by not being sexually active now? You already branched out in that aspect of yourself, so you can't regress now! (unless you forgot how to do it, haha) Considering the momentum you've built, you have nowhere to go but up!

 

[Georgiadude]

congrats on the coming out processs. it's a different road for everyone and sometimes the journey can be long and convoluted. don't let people pressure you into doing something that doesn't feel right for you.

My concern isn't the age issue. I don't have a problem with two ADULTS doing what they want to do with each other. if someone 18 or older wants to be with someone who's 70, its nobody's business. I am concerned that this guy is offering you sexual favors. he sounds like someone that is a role model or a confidant and he shouldn't be doing that to you. especially at this time in your life when your just coming to terms with your sexuality and the coming out process. you have enough going on in your life and don't need him or her adding to it.

dont let anyone pressure you into doing something you dont want to do. it doesn't matter if they are your age or older. if it doesn't feel right to you. dont do it. age isn't the issue. its his behavior and her advice.

Steven.

 

[mc7777]

Thanks for all the opinions. This just bugged me and knocked me off track. It is funny as other bigger things I have been able to face down but this just bugged me! I talked to my girl-friend and she said she was off beat and didn’t mean it that way. She said that if I felt like I was compromising myself, then don’t do it.

@Seasoned
I agree and think your right that people do treat sex lightly sometimes. I think I lost sight of taking what I need from any advice as I am worried that I am doing the right thing. I will continue to just decide on my own thoughts and feelings. I also thought he crossed the line. I even made sure and went to great lengths to ensure I don’t give off any signals I am interested in that. I can only think he got ahead of himself. We are talking two different generations, approaches, thought processes, etc.

@elGeniuoso1721
Thank you for your congrats on my progress. I truly do feel amazing. I am owning and loving being gay so much. I wake up feeling amazing! I never thought in a million years I could feel this good. I really like what you said and I think hit the nail on the head with a great point when you say that “human like,” term is horrible. I think that is what kicked my butt the most. I was always worried about being more “human like.” I battled against that concept for years. It was fucking awful. I tried to live by what others were doing. I stopped being me and started trying to be someone else…..OH, I was active a while back and got scared and hid from it. So I have forgot some! But I think it will be fun to learn all over again!!?? Hopefully its like riding a bike.. LOL

@Georgiadude
Thank you for your congrats as well. Got to love this PROCESS and how it is DIFFERENT for everyone! I really think I am respecting and serving MY PROCESS. I guess I can’t help but to think of where I should be. I think his offer in his capacity was out of line. I just recently have come to terms with it all. Maybe his offer came at the heels of witnessing my successful progress?

My plan is to be very nice and tell him I don’t want our relationship of friends to go in that direction. If he persists, I will persist in my letting him know, even to the point of dropping him as a friend. Simple as that.

 

[Georgiadude]

your welcome.

I'm glad I could help in some way. it sounds like you have a good place. I think I would just let it slide and not bring it up. if he starts talking about it or offers again I'd say what you have planned to say. if he persists then you know for sure that he really wasn't a friend.

I'm in my mid forties and try to have friends of all ages. They're my friends. I dont go around asking them for or offering them sex. They're my friends. he crossed a line. hopefully it was just a mindless lapse in judgement and it wont go any further.

Best of luck with things and PLEASE keep us updated on how your journey is going. Coming out isn't easy and it doesn't take your problems away. However, it is nice to not have to hide and worry any more. I felt so much better. No more hiding and lying.

Best wishes

Steven.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

yea dude, keep us posted and PM any of us if you need