Just Be Honest

[GaysDivorcee]

I am the ex-wife of a gay man. I didn't divorce him because he was gay. I divorced him because he'd spiraled out of control and led a secret life of reckless sex and adultery for the last five years of our marriage. He put me at risk for STDs and put me at risk also because he'd give out our home address to strangers on the sites where he trolled for sex.

Once I'd found out what was going on, he told me he'd wanted to tell me he was gay for a long time but got bad advice from a psychologist who told him to just keep playing it straight. That led him to a life of lies and secrets. Once I confronted him he said he never thought it was adultery because it wasn't with another woman.

As a result, he ended up divorced (which was the only answer because regardless of the adultery he couldn't be his true self while in a heterosexual marriage) and having to sell our house in order to pay me my share of the equity. He wasn't happy with the equity and alimony awarded at mediation (we had been married over 3 decades), so he decided to take it to court, presuming the judge would think as he did and rule it excessive. The judge, however, took one look at years of one-night-stands, nooners at the apartments of university students, sex at night in wooded areas, online trolling in cities around the country when he traveled on business and inviting men to our home for sex and awarded me an amount even higher than what was negotiated in mediation.

Had he told me he was gay when he first began to be unable to repress it any longer, the whole situation could have gone down differently. I would have gone with him to counseling. We might could have stayed married, but living more as roommates. OTOH, statistics prove that even under ideal circumstances, a gay/straight couple will divorce simply because their sexual orientations are not compatible.

We frequently had discussions about gays and gay rights (20/20 hindsight now shows me just why he brought these topics up at the dinner table). I told him I was in favor of gay marriage and equal rights for gay couples. I told him I didn't buy into the theories that one is "turned" gay by some life event, but that it's the way you are born and isn't wrong. I told him I found the religious movements that attempt to "fix" gays to be repugnant because you can't "fix" being gay any more than you can "fix" having blue eyes. In short, he knew I had no bias against gays. And when we divorced, I did not use homosexuality as grounds and I told him I would not announce to our families or his employer that he was gay. He never did tell our children and threatened me legally if I did, and when they found out on their own, they were beyond livid and cut off all contact. I've encouraged them to mend the fences, because like me, they are not anti-gay. He is still their father and especially now he needs their love and emotional support.

I do, however, have a strong bias against gay men who use women as their cover and sneak around engaging in gay sex and putting their wives at risk.

My message to you is simple -- as cliched as it sounds, honesty is the best policy. Find a good counselor and develop a plan to come out to your spouse. You may have to search a little but there are counselors out there who deal with coming out issues. Be honest with your spouse about being gay. No doubt she will be angry because you deceived her and basically stole a part of her life. But it's your BEHAVIOR she's mad at, not necessarily you personally, and that can be worked through if you haven't put yourself in the position my ex-husband did.

And now for the saddest part. Because he took so many risks, he's now HIV positive and even the man he'd found toward the end of our marriage whom I'd hoped he would partner with has abandoned him because he wasn't honest with him about all the online trolling and reckless sex, and he exposed this man to HIV as well.

He's estranged from our children and grandchildren and will probably die a lonely, broken old man because of the bad decisions he made.

Seek counseling. Be honest. For God's sake, do not engage in risky sex. You just may be surprised at how accepting your friends and family will be. Sure, there will be some anger and shock, but your real friends will stand behind you, and those who don't weren't really good friends to begin with. Family who really loves you will support you; family who doesn't don't deserve your time.

If this message can save one person from the hell my ex-husband is living in, then I've done my job.

 

[KaraBulut]

This is an advice forum and while you didn't ask for advice, I feel compelled to offer some.

Your ex-husband isn't the only one who needs counseling. You do, too.

There is an important distinction to make in your story: the difference between being a gay man married to a woman and being a sex addict.

Your husband's problem wasn't that he was gay. Your husband's problem was that he developed a sex and risk addiction. This was his undoing.

This problem is not unique to couples in your situation. There are plenty of heterosexual married men with addiction issues who cheat on their wives. There are also plenty of homosexual men in gay relationships who are cheating on their partners.

Thank you for posting your story.

 

[GaysDivorcee]

Your ex-husband isn't the only one who needs counseling. You do, too.

Thanks for your candor. I have been in counseling since shortly after I found out what he was doing. It's the only divorce recovery efforts I could make because the legal threats and gag order prevented me from discussing my situation in a divorce recovery group. I agree that he was a sex and risk addict and he's finally beginning to accept that, albeit too late to save himself from HIV.

I still believe if he'd been honest with me sooner, much of this could have been avoided.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's a universal wisdom that a web of lies usually end up with someone getting hurt.

The long-term challenge for you is not just to work through the cycle of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The challenge to find a means to move on from this.

Moving on may be to find a straight guy who is trustworthy and worthy of a marriage to you.

Moving on may be to find a way to help young men and their families find acceptance so that they don't repeat the mistakes that your ex-husband made.

Something else to think about: JUB is primarily an adult site. We have a sister site that is focused upon coming out issues. It has a lot of members who are teenagers who are coming out. It also has parents of gay children. It also has men who married, had children and then had to acknowledge that they are gay. The url is www.emptyclosets.com and membership is not required to read the posts there (although you might want to join if you want to participate in the forums).

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome (?) to JUB!

Here in the CO&R section, we see a lot of guys at various stages of your ex-husband's life. Some are a bit further along the path. They're married, and they say they love their wife, but they're gay, and what are they to do? And most seem quite surprised by the majority of advice they get here. We don't tell them to meet guys on the sly, or suggest websites for hooking up. We tell them to get divorced first. "But I couldn't do that to her," they protest. "You're already done it to her," we respond. Yes, it'll be painful, but get divorced, come out, and start living as a gay man.

Fortunately, most of the guys who post here who are in this situation are right at the beginning. "I have a thing for guys, but I think I'm gonna meet and marry a woman, because it's easier." And it might be easier for a some months or years. But then it becomes unbelievably more complicated. And now there's a wife (and sometimes children) attached to the package.

Thank you for telling your side of the story.

Lex

 

[Lube]

Yes, GaysDivorcee, that kind of behavior was sort of the norm 20+ years ago. It was understandable, though never acceptable.

Now, however, it's not even understandable (at least not in Western society). There's no reason for you to have to deal with that kind of stuff. It started a while ago, though, and society was not nearly so accepting even 20 years ago.

Your ex-husband was shamed wrongfully by society, and it spiralled out of control. Bad for everyone involved.

Hopefully this will be a lesson for younger gay and bi men who are thinking of marrying and "repressing" their homosexuality.

it doesn't work.

 

[Horschallen]

I find your taking time preparing your post admireable. I myself tend to stay away from married men, mainly because I do not like them clinging to their wives as fronts while fooling around with men. Married men have responsiblilities to who they are married to and the family, and that includes extramartial activities. My own sister was caught in a marriage for almost 20 years like yours before she finally divorced him. Thank you for sharing your experience.

 

[youngnihilist]

I liked your post, and I totally agree with your message. Also, men like your ex give gays a bad name... and while they are deeply troubled and there is some degree of sympathy to be offered, they are ultimately irresponsible and harmful. Thank you for sharing.

 

[GaysDivorcee]

Thanks to all of you for your kind responses. I had the support of so many friends and family that I've vowed to pay it forward, and as I said, if I can help one person avoid this mistake, I'll be happy.

Hopefully this won't be happening with today's young men because attitudes are changing, albeit slowly. My ex had the misfortune to grow up in a dysfunctional family headed by a country preacher. The one word that describes the family is "hypocrisy." If someone commented that one of his sisters looked fat, his mother would make her tight, pencil skirts to prove she wasn't pregnant. His mother WAS pregnant when she married and lied to her children about her anniversary date, yet she'd publicly criticize unwed mothers. His sister would talk about the love of God and yet she totally shunned her gay son who is a productive member of society in a monogamous relationship (giving my ex a glimpse of what would happen should he come out) while enabling her daughter who was a drug addict and spent time in jail for theft and prostitution. And the list goes on and on and on.

Thank you to the ones who said they steered clear of married men. I'm straight but I don't seek out married men; no reason for a gay man to seek out a married man either.

I'll check that emptyclosets.com site. Perhaps I can be of some help there.

I looked at this site for several days before I finally posted. I was afraid I might be taken for a bitter middle-aged woman. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have bitter moments, but mostly I feel incredibly sorry for my ex because he still refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and continues to blame me for breaking up our marriage. Go figure.

 

[seven_sins]

This is a sad story for all involved. I hope that time will heal the wounds. Thanks for posting the story GaysDivorcee. I hope you hang around, for you could offer some valuable advice to some of the guys who post here. JUB does have other straight female members.

 

[GaysDivorcee]

How could you not know after 30 years, that he was lying?

When I picked up my purse and car keys and said I was going to Target, that's exactly where I was going. If I was going to be late, I called and told him. If I packed a suitcase and said I was meeting three girlfriends in the mountains for the weekend, I met three girlfriends in the mountains for the weekend.

I expected the same level of truth from him that I gave to him. And I expected the trust to run both ways too. That's what a commited relationship, gay or straight, is all about -- trust and truth.

Apparently, he never got that memo.

And the man actually had the gall to ask me why I never discussed the situation with him before I hired an attorney and filed for divorce. He told me he thought we'd always had an open and honest relationship. Oh yeah, sure. Just like you were open and honest about being gay? And like how you didn't disclose the new job you were offered just before mediation that had a $20,000 per year pay raise?

The wounds are healing but this kind of betrayal doesn't heal overnight. And I'm not sure I could ever trust a man again. Just how does one go about doing their homework? Do I demand an HIV test? Make him watch porn and gauge his reaction? Hire a PI and run a background check?

Sadly, like someone else said, my ex gives gay men a bad name. I know other gays -- male and female -- in wonderful, monogamous relationships. They put my ex to shame

 

[Lube]

It sounds like your ex has a lot of issues. Sorry to hear that.

You keep pointing out monogamy as sort of being the end-all, be-all relationship. That's not necessarily true. I think a better term might be "consenting" or "transparent" relationship, where all partners know what's going on and what's agreed to.

 

[tallguy297]

Hi GaysDivorcee,

Firstly and most importantly thank you for sharing what is a deeply personal and painful experience with us. Its a perspective we dont get to see first hand all that often but is one that we anticipate almost universally in your situation. To hear your account and the hurt you have suffered brings the tragedy of this situation home.

Being gay, even today, creates a burden of guilt, of powerlessness and pain for a lot of guys - young and old. I agree with you 100% that as a "society" we are more accepting... but sadly in many many individual situations the circumstances of the person who feels alone, feels the weight of others expectations and often religious constraints and responsibilities override that "acceptance". Often those pressures or at least perceived pressures are too difficult for way too many to overcome... and the result? Lies, deception and hurt - for all involved.

Gay people carry a burden that is foreign to a straight person. A life time of questioning, a life time of guilt. What should be a natural loving act becomes a nightmare of emotions and fear. But as in your case that burden often results the gay man or woman taking risks and creating dangerous situations simply through deceit.

I can offer no excuse for your husbands actions, but I can offer sympathy to his position. If you can separate his acts of sex and the manner he went about them, I'm sure he believed he was doing the "right" thing by you and your children. It would have been a story he convinced himself of over and over - the lesser of 2 evils if you like. Sadly... he as wrong. And if that moronic counselor had been worth his fee he would have told him that.

Moreover though, I cannot offer enough thanks and praise on your courage to try and make some good come of this. I hope that your time here, on our boards as little as it may be, will show you that as a community, as a group, we as gay men come from all walks of life, and despite the medias desire to portray us otherwise, the vast majority of our numbers are productive, open, happy, socially conscious and responsible people. It gladdens my heart to see yours so open to that fact, and not lost in understandable bitterness.

For us though, your posts show us that no matter how hard or heavy this burden is, no matter how unfair it feels, part of our load is to consider the hurt and pain we potentially cause others... and nearly always the ones we love.

For that reminder, thank you again and my sincere best wishes to you and your family as you move on with your lives.

 

[stripes]

oh man my heart broke as i read your story. i hope everything goes well for you and your kids. what do you plan on telling your kids? (if you haven't already)

 

[godson112]

I just read this all as well. I sort of skim-read, missed the really chunky paragraphs (bad reading habit of mine which I can't help...) but I read most of it.

I found this really intriguing. I don't really have much to say on it but it's really made me think...

I'm sorry about what happened to you. I wanna meet you somewhere and give you a big ol hug lol... And maybe your husband a stern telling off. I've read stories before about partners putting their lovers at risk and it really angers me.

One thing I wasn't sure on though, you're clear of HIV aren't you? You said he has it, but you're OK right?

 

[GaysDivorcee]

One thing I wasn't sure on though, you're clear of HIV aren't you? You said he has it, but you're OK right?

Sorry I haven't been back to comment. It's been crazy aorund here.

I'm clear of all diseases. He's been on Atripla since he was diagnosed, which was just before my first post. His first CD4 was perilously low but has jumped a little over 100 points and his VL has dropped considerably. Time will tell what happens.

 

[Captain53]

Yes, GaysDivorcee, that kind of behavior was sort of the norm 20+ years ago. It was understandable, though never acceptable.


Hopefully this will be a lesson for younger gay and bi men who are thinking of marrying and "repressing" their homosexuality.

it doesn't work.

Amen to that Lube. I was married for 30 yrs, but unlike gaysdivorcee's situation, I never did cheat on my wife. I am not sure whether my ex knows I am gay/bi. Was this fair? Perhaps not, but we did share a good live together for 25 of our 30 yrs together. The last 5 we were more roommates than husband and wife. She has met someone and is going on with her life. I have finally met someone and am going on with mine. The dilemma for me is coming out to my childern which I have not yet done. Had I been honest with myself back in the 70's I might never have married. Yet, had I never married, I would not have 3 wonderful children.

I cannot regret the past - it is futile and useless.

 

[spencer]

I think that not having legal gay marriage adds to the fact that marriage is one sided. Boys and men need to realize that cheating is cheating and that risky behavior is risky behavior nor matter who it's with.

One would think that since you are married with children that you would be more safe than your younger counterpart, even if you were a sex addict. He exposed himself to it, contracted it and then exposed everyone around him to it. That's worse that cheating itself and cheating is bad, IMO, in a marriage period.

One would think too that his therapist that told him to continue to go on the DL stress the riskiness of his behavior and to take every precaution available.

I think he should have been responsible enough to make better decisions.