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Just came out to my Christian parents

C

Chubsun91

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Hey guys, I thought I'd share this pretty big news with you all.

I'm 19 years old, and a Freshmen in college, and I've grown up in the church. My parents have always been teaching me the Christian values of loving one another and having a relationship with Jesus Christ. When I was younger, it all made sense and I didn't question it...until I realized I was gay.

I knew it when I was a kid, but of course I didn't say anything since my dad had told me it was a sin. I spent most of my childhood and in junior high trying to play it straight, even though I never made any attempt to get a girlfriend.

Once I was in high school, I decided to stop lying to myself. I knew that I was attracted to guys, and that was that. Throughout high school, I never told my parents, afraid of how they would react since they thought it was a sin. I had told myself that I would have to be in the closet my whole life.

It wasn't until early in my senior year that I started meeting some really awesome friends. I could tell that they were very accepting and loving, so I came out to them first. I'm very lucky to have friends that support me like they do.

Now, I'm in college. As I've met more and more new people, they've given me confidence to live more openly, and I've even met a possible boyfriend. This past week, I decided that I couldn't hold it in anymore. I came out to both my parents. They took it surprisingly well. My dad told me that he loves me no matter what, and my mom apologized for saying things that had hurt me. I was so relieved.

That said, both of them still believe it's a sin. My dad wrote me a note that basically said, "I know that your homosexual feelings aren't a choice, but it is a choice not to act on those feelings." I'm pretty angry that my dad still doesn't want me to be in a same sex relationship, but I figure that my parents don't determine what I want to do in life.

Any thoughts on the whole "not acting on homosexual temptations" thing? I personally think it's a load of shit, but I'd love to hear what you all have to say.
 
Chubsun91 said:
Any thoughts on the whole "not acting on homosexual temptations" thing? I personally think it's a load of shit
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Pretty much.

They probably believe it is a sin because they read that in the Bible or something.

Next time they say that, tell them that we don't kill our disobedient children or practice slavery, or forbid women to go out without head coverings. All of those are in there too.
 
Have you ever watched "For the Bible tells me so"? The documentary deals specially with these kind of conflict on Christian families with gay sons/daughters. I guess you could take a peek and then, who knows, get your parents to watch it. Or maybe watch it together.

At least, they would start seeing the whole situation with a different perspective. They will be watching people in their position, who have changed their minds. And it also deals with the "kill disobedient children", "don't eat pork", "don't wear clothes touched by women" stuff...

I think it should be worth giving it a try!
 
Congratulations! You took a very difficult step and it sounds like your parents handled it the best they could.

I would like to say give them some time. They do need to adjust to this info, even if they suspected before. Once your father has had a chance to process, he may change his attitude a bit. He does say he loves you and wants you to be happy. I think he will come to understand expecting you to be alone because of your sexuality is unrealistic.
 
I have to agree with Wasted. Give them some time to process everything. I think it's a great sign they made it clear that they love you even if they don't agree with your "choice". I think that once they see how much happier you are because you are being yourself they will come around. Good luck and congrats!
 
Remind your parents that they're sinning by wearing blended fabrics, and if they ever eat shellfish. Oh, and if you have a sister, ask how much they'd be willing to sell her into slavery for.

Your parents may come around more once they see that you being gay has absolutely no effect on their lives and that you're (probably) still a good person. And if there's a PFLAG chapter in your town, get in touch with them, they can help with the whole parents and sin thing.
 
landers said:
Remind your parents that they're sinning by wearing blended fabrics, and if they ever eat shellfish. Oh, and if you have a sister, ask how much they'd be willing to sell her into slavery for.
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Yeah, people need to be reminded of what the bible actually says...

And give your parents some time. This too shall pass.
 
I would find it very sad if your parents think the 5 or 6 billion people around the world who are not christians like them are sinners.

Not sad for the 5 or 6 billion people, sad for them.

Congratulations on being honest about yourself. Keep it up :)
 
Congratulations for your courage! :=D:

Tell your parents that we all are sinners. No one is without sins. If you are in a consentual relationship, nobody gets hurt. It's all about love...not hate. Here are more Bible quotes:

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." You're facing the truth about yourself ..|

"You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these." It didn't say love your neighbors only if they do not sin. Love them all regardless.
 
I completely agree with everyone's comments. I think I would be in somewhat in the same situation if I came out to my parents.

You're right... it is a load of shit. Here is my advice. Be true to yourself. Know in your heart that you are who you are and you can't conform to what "choice" someone else expects you to make. You sound like a really good guy that can demonstrate your love by actions rather than words. I think your dad will eventually see that in you and will come to terms.

My best to you, my friend.
 
Since your dad appears to be a writer (lol), how about sending him links to various LBGT-affirming churches that do not consider homosexuality as a sin, such as the Episcopal Church, Metropolitan Community Church, United Church of Christ, etc. Have him take a look at the religious tenants why these churches are accepting of same-sex relationships, and all God's creatures are entitled to fellowship and worship in a loving and uplifting environment (not the hatred and unforgivable-sin bullshit from the conservative demoninations).

Of course, convincing some die-hard Christian conservatives to keep an open mind is difficult. However, if they are truly loving and supportive parents (glad to see they love you no matter what), they should keep an open mind as they come to gradually accept your right to live your life as a fully-grown adult human being.

As for 'not acting on it', living a celibate life is not normal (unless you are Catholic, and we know how well many of them have 'not acted on it' - sorry for the cheap shot at Catholicism, but I couldn't resist the hypocracy of some religions as they denounce adult relationships that happen to be same-sex).
 
I think everyone here knows that asking you to not act on your "homosexual urges" is a ridiculous request, but your dad probably hasn't really thought about it. I'd suggest that you point it out to him - ask him how he thinks he'd act in your situation. A lot of the points people are making seem to be trying to offend, but I think the objective here would be to make him THINK. Does he think he'd be able to live a celibate life if the bible had told him that sex with women was immoral? If he's passionately religious he might say "of course I would" without really thinking about it, but encourage him to reflect a bit on what he'd be sacrificing (sex with his wife... or perhaps the emotional relationship as well, if he thinks that's also wrong). Would he marry a man if that were the natural way for humans to have kids? If you phrase these kinds of questions the wrong way, you'll probably just piss peope off, but I think that if they're brought up in a genuine way they can make people think.

I'm pretty sure that most rational people would recognize that they can't ignore their own sexual urges AND live full and happy lives. If you can get your dad to acknowledge that, he might be willing to rethink his views.

Of course, if you think your dad will claim he could ignore his urges and you want to be really devious about it, you could ask him about this while your mom is around. If she were there listening to your conversation, it might be more difficult for him to claim that he'd be prepared sacrifice his relationship with her if the bible told him it was evil. Below-the-belt tricks are probably less likely to lead to a thoughtful discussion though...
 
^^
^^ I've been there. Frow now on there's a process between what you really feel, and how your family wants you to act. Enough that they took the whole thing so well. When it happened here, I got to think I was deceiving my parents, but there was something I wouldn't take: betraying myself .
Your parents are doing better than expected, and you are doing very well, congrats.
 
I think your dad took this very well. I wouldn't try to one-up him. I think he was trying to understand you as best he could. And i'm not sure he realized exactly what he was asking you to do. He recognizes that it isn't a choice. What a great starting point.

And which of us, when confronted with a situation we weren't expecting, haven't put our foot in our mouths and said something that upon reflection we wished we hadn't said?

Give him some time. You have a dialog going now. You have your mom. And you aren't living at home during school, so you each have time to think.

Good luck
 
Your dad concedes it is not a choice, so essentially he concedes it is who you are as a person. So now he want's you to avoid being yourself and act like someone else he would rather you be for the rest of your life? Yes, a load of shit. On the surface it may have seemed to go better than you first expected. But I sense a bunch of turmoil in your dad. And it is his problem, not yours.
 
^^Actually, I am living at home. I'm in community college, so yeah.

Well, it's been about a week, and my parents really haven't said anything about it. I don't know if it's because they don't care or because they don't want to talk about it. Thank you guys for all your support.
 
shainski said:
I think your dad took this very well. I wouldn't try to one-up him. I think he was trying to understand you as best he could. And i'm not sure he realized exactly what he was asking you to do. He recognizes that it isn't a choice. What a great starting point.
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I do agree with this though.

This is a better starting point than most Christians begin from.

Hopefully it means he will completely accept you in time.
 
From experience, I can tell you that not acting in your true sexuality is a slow death. You will never be happy or feel fulfilled in life if you deny your basic self. As to religion, I really really really don't think God would make a man gay, equip him for sex, give him a sex drive, and then say, "But using it is a sin". That does not make sense.
 
I think most people that follow a certain belief fear what their peers might say about them if they go against their views intentionally or unintentionally. (No one likes to be an outcast) Though, I don't think this is that case. I think your dad is just trying to use religion as a tool ("I know that your homosexual feelings aren't a choice, but it is a choice not to act on those feelings.") to make you adhere more to his values- I honestly, don't think will be very effective. I think, what he is asking of you and stating is unreasonable and selfish.- Go, live your life, explore your sexuality, find happiness, be the best person you can be. Don't worry so much. You only get one chance to live it. Also, I think in time they will learn to accept you as you are.

"My dad told me that he loves me no matter what, and my mom apologized for saying things that had hurt me. " << Shows that they are willing to open their minds. I think it'll just take time. I wouldn't be angry. I think it's just them coping, although it can be hurtful. I don't know if it's best to ignore or tell them how things like that make you feel, but I wouldn't show anger- It won't make them any more tolerant of you being gay, it wont make them understand any easier. It will make them defend themselves.

Congrats on coming out though.
 
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