Just... cheated...

[GailLockheart]

Hey, ya'll...
So, recently a good friend of mine just came back into town for a visit. Not to visit me exactly, but just because he moved out of town a few months ago... So I got to talking to him, quite a bit... And we both knew that we were both sexually attracted to the other, because he had tried to get with me multiple times through the years, but I didn't want to do it. I wanted my first time to be with someone I actually loved, not just a friend. And I didn't love him. I don't love him.
2 days ago, I told my boyfriend (fiancee at this point actually) that I was going to have my friend over. He had known that my friend was really into me, and was totally uncomfortable with it. So he literally said "I forbid you from seeing him." I was okay with it, and I told my friend that we couldn't see each other because of it.
Then today came... My friend was about to leave, and then I just though "fuck it." So I told him to come visit me anyways, and he did, and we had sex...
I... at first I felt fine, like I hadn't done anything wrong... That I can just keep this a secret from my boyfriend, but... That just doesn't feel right at all. He's always so honest with me, and he trusts me not to betray him... He's been betrayed quite a lot in the past... And I feel that if I tell him, he'll just completely give up on life... I feel he would be so hurt that he'd just... die.

I seriously don't know what to do right now... I feel sick to my stomach that I went through with my stupid little fantasy... I don't want to lose my boyfriend, he means the world to me... But being dishonest and not telling him.... The guilt would be too much, and eventually will cause problems in the future... What do I do? Please... Someone help...

 

[seven2go]

Keep your mouth shut and suffer in silence.
You learned a lesson.

 

[joeG23]

You have made a mistake, keep quiet about it. You will only be being self indulgent if you blab about it. Learn your lesson. If you can't commit, you need to move out of his life.

 

[ben9651]

Eeew.

You`re not even married and you`re already cheating on him!

 

[dreamerboi]

And you're certain this friend of yours isn't going to blab about it?

 

[GailLockheart]

I couldn't help it... the guilt had already started eating at me before 30 minutes could even pass, so I told him what had happened... I can't keep anything secret from him, I'm too bad of a liar... This whole situation was a huge taboo for me, I just... couldn't control myself. I only want to be my boyfriend, I am committed to him, I am. I never want to do this again, it was awful... I feel sick, now.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. The urge will come again and you'll need a plan. Partners ought not be forbidding anything. Two adults voluntarily enter into a relationship and through compatibility and compromise establish realistic ground rules. Loving someone and being ready for monogamy, if that is your plan, are two different things. If you're not willing or ready don't put yourself and him through a nightmare. It doesn't make you a bad person all it means is that you have wants that need expression. Good luck.

 

[dkj32224]

well, how did your boyfriend take it?

 

[racer2438]

How low can one go, I can't stand cheaters, they have lose the sole purpose of what respect isin any relationship.

I hope all cheaters get caught and their shit packed up and put on the door step.

That what I would do to a cheater.

everyone else will have there own way of dealing with it.

But One knows when they are crossing that line, it is not a accident..

 

[HornyHenry]

I never cheated except with a couple of jackoff buds a couple of decades ago but no oral or anal, just handjobs with me shooting into the mouth of one of them once. I suspect my lover has cheated, at least oral, with a few over the past three decades.

Several have said that jealous as hell types & those who nag and rag on their lovers about cheating are often guilty of doing it themselves.

 

[bma1983]

He's always so honest with me, and he trusts me not to betray him... He's been betrayed quite a lot in the past... And I feel that if I tell him, he'll just completely give up on life... I feel he would be so hurt that he'd just... die.

That alone should have been enough for you not to hurt him, but you did any way? I don’t understand people who say their significant other means the world to them, yet they cheat. Is there something lacking in your relationship that made you stray and potentially doom relationship? Or were you just horny?

 

[Just_Believe18]

Thank you for being honest and not taking seven2go's terrible advice. You were right to be honest with your partner. Now you must accept the consequences of your actions. How did your boyfriend react? Is the relationship over? Please keep us posted.

Also, knowing the circumstances of what was happening, what turned the situation of seeing your friend from what was suppose to be a platonic visit to leading to sex? How did this happen? Knowing how your boyfriend felt about, and your own cautious feelings about how your friend felt, I'm surprised how you allowed this to happen in the first place.

 

[Rolyo85]

First of all, I'd like to remind the self-righteous juveniles in this topic to not attack the OP as this is a no-flame zone.

Second, as Seasoned said, being committed to someone and being ready for monogamy are two very different things. Anyone who sees relationships and sex as a black and white canvas is just not mature enough to be in a relationship or to be having sex.


As for OP's situation, it seems this is all moot now, as he did tell his bf. I'm assuming it all ended in a horrible tragedy, or we would've heard back by now.

Everybody was wrong in this situation. OP's bf crossed a SERIOUS line when he "forbid" him anything. This is not how relationships work. You either trust your partner, or you don't, and if you don't, fucking walk out. And even if you have doubts and fears, you do NOT "forbid". You are never in a position to forbid. You can only talk, and "ask".

OP is obviously most at fault. What he did was selfish, stupid and pointless, telling his bf was ALSO selfish, stupid and pointless. I completely agree that in OP's particular situation honesty would bring only misery to all involved. He should have stayed the only miserable one and learned from the experience, but instead he chose to feel better about himself by making his bf miserable.

But I also think OP's friend was wrong. You do not intentionally homewreck other people if you're a decent person. And ESPECIALLY not after you've been told that your friend's bf is strongly opposed to it. You are CLEARLY aware of what's going on.


So yeah, all in all this is a horrible situation that could have been easily avoided. I am not going to be a 16-year old girl and play judge, jury and executioner however. Everyone - EVERYONE - makes mistakes and slips when it comes to relationships and sex. There is rarely a clear "wrong", and though cheating is always a signal that something is wrong, that wrong thing could have little to nothing to do with the cheater himself.

 

[Kyanimal]

Hmmm ...

I should know better, by now, to keep my mouth shut on this particular topic!

However ...

If Mere SEX is the sole pivot, central point, of your Relationship, then, in MY Opinion, it's doomed from the start!

Guys will be GUYS! And, since we Gay Guys mainly Love GUYS, being GUYS, why the Hell do you think something is going to change our Basic Nature?

It's like Gals thinking they're going to change/improve their husbands after a ceremony!

I happen to think of SEX as 'only' Sport! It doesn't have to be connected to my Brain, let alone my Heart! It's simply an expression of my Dick and/or Butt! (Which seem to have their Own 'thoughts'! )

"My" Kev, and I, have been "together" for 29+yr! And, what initially drew me to Him was that he was such a "Bad Boy"! Why would I ever want to try to 'change' that?

SO ... Have we both "strayed"? Oh, Hell, Yes! However, we've managed to stay "Connected", which is what Really Counts!, through being Open, Honest, and thoughouly Transparent with each other!

Even after all those years, and what both of us have been through, together and separately, we're still as committed to each other as we've ever been, and try, each day, to the best of our abilities, to remain so, in spite of whatever may come our way! And, THAT, above all and else, is what REALLY Matters!

The very idea of "Forbidding" ANYTHING is Anathema to our concept of a Healthy relationship! As is, too, our idea of attempting to Hide (cheat about) ANYTHING!

We are who/what we Are! And, accepting THAT, about each other, has proven to be the main bulwark of our continued Relationship!

Of course, I know there are many of you who are going to disagree with our approach. However, all I can say is, it's worked for us for a very long, enjoyable, and appreciative, Time!

It's proven to be a sure case of ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[DigitalFudge]

Nothing really compares to walking around thinking the world is one way but everyone else around you knows it is the opposite.

Would you like to not only be cheated on but treated like a fool?


Honestly if you can stomach cheating on your fiance then his feelings must be pretty irrelevant to you to begin with.

Tell him what you did so he can make his own decisions.

Just like you made yours.

 

[Rolyo85]

If you'd bothered to read anything after the opening post before getting out the Big Shining Axe of Paragon Judgment, you might have noticed that OP has already told his bf...

 

[Georgiadude]

Having been the person that was cheated on I can tell you it is a HORRIBLE feeling. It felt like my soul had died. How could the person I loved more than anything in the world do that to me? You profess your love for him and turn around and knowingly do something that will crush him. This is a no flame zone so I'll refrain from telling you exactly what I think of you but I'm pretty sure you can figure it out.

Steven.

 

[bankside]

Please do your boyfriend a favour and tell him what happened.

There are a lot of unconventional things you can do in a relationship, with the consent of the person you're with. You didn't do that. So yeah, I do "judge" you for that. You failed in the relationship you told your boyfriend you were capable of handling. And you were kidding yourself about what you could handle.

So get it off your chest, admit it, and see if your guy is willing to work things out with you. This could mean you learn from the experience and figure out how to exercise some self-control and some awareness of how your actions can hurt others. Or it could also mean that monogamy isn't that important to you after all and your boyfriend needs to know that. If there are good reasons why you feel that way now, explain it and maybe he'll understand. It's true that monogamy doesn't work for everybody, and that some people are very happy with other arrangements. But nobody gets a free pass for offering monogamy to someone and then betraying his trust.

But above all, someone known as your fiancé is 100% entitled to know who you are sleeping with at all times. His life depends on it. So in fact, despite what some people have posted above, he is also 100% entitled to a veto.

 

[Rolyo85]

I couldn't help it... the guilt had already started eating at me before 30 minutes could even pass, so I told him what had happened... I can't keep anything secret from him, I'm too bad of a liar... This whole situation was a huge taboo for me, I just... couldn't control myself. I only want to be my boyfriend, I am committed to him, I am. I never want to do this again, it was awful... I feel sick, now.

THE OP TOLD HIS BOYFRIEND ABOUT THE ACCIDENT THREE DAYS AGO. PLEASE READ THE POSTS IN THE TOPIC BEFORE RESPONDING.

Sorry, I know it's not my place to moderate the forum, but it really bugs me that in a place where we're supposed to give advice to people who often add comments and explanations in subsequent posts, nobody seems to read past the opening post...

 

[Rolyo85]

That would be my guess too, or we would have heard by now...