Just... cheated...

[DigitalFudge]

Unless he has been murdered I don't really see how any "Consequence" could hinder him from updating the forum on the latest developments.

 

[Rolyo85]

Well, if he got shown the door, I'm sure posting in a forum is the last thing on his mind right now.

I am very fascinated by the black and white view so many people here exhibit. I ask you - is one mistake worth throwing something precious away? Is complete and total honesty always justified, even when all it does is cause damage?

 

[bma1983]

I ask you - is one mistake worth throwing something precious away? Is complete and total honesty always justified, even when all it does is cause damage?

The honesty is not what caused the damage. It was the cheating that did that. The injured party has every right to know the truth so they can decide whether or not they want to continue with the relationship. Would I personally end a relationship due to one indiscretion? Probably not. But I still would want to know if my boyfriend had sex with someone else so that I can make the decision to stay or leave. Not him.

 

[bankside]

Well, if he got shown the door, I'm sure posting in a forum is the last thing on his mind right now.

I am very fascinated by the black and white view so many people here exhibit. I ask you - is one mistake worth throwing something precious away? Is complete and total honesty always justified, even when all it does is cause damage?

When your penis ends up in some other person it isn't a mistake, it is a choice.

"Hey Babe I was on the way to pick you up a bottle of wine, but the floor was wet and I slipped, and my erect penis accidentally ended up inside the guy from the wine store."

Nope. It doesn't work like that.

Also, if it is no big deal, then tell the guy. Let him decide if it's no big deal. Maybe he agrees. People work things out and it's their right to do so. But it's fucking controlling and twisted to not give the person the chance to either work things out or walk away. It isn't "noble" or "protective" or "standing up for something good" to lie about an affair.

If you have an affair, and you don't think your relationship is worth throwing away, maybe the betrayed boyfriend will feel the same way. Maybe he won't. But it's his choice. And after all, why would anyone want to stay with such a "black and white thinker who can't overlook a simple mistake."

Yeah that's it, if a cheater gets dumped because his boyfriend can't work past such a simple mistake, then the cheater got lucky! He dodged a bullet! He's better off single than dating someone so judgemental that he'd get seriously upset about being cheated on!

 

[Rolyo85]

All of this sounds to me like none of you has been in this situation really. This isn't about rights and wrongs, and it certainly isn't as simple as "just a choice". Cheating is not some psychological disorder that turns you evil. A good 50% of the time it is not even done by design. Many occasions of cheating are accidents, a bad convergence of circumstances that lead people to make bad decisions or some times even rob them of the freedom to make the good ones. And anyone who claims they are immune to it, is either lying, or not very smart.

In this particular situation the OP knew it was wrong to do it. I am not excusing him, he acted selfishly and it was stupid. BUT! He loves his bf. That to me is clear from both the tone of the topic and its very existence. He made a bad choice based on conflicted feelings, but he wasn't having an affair, and neither was he a serial cheater. He made one mistake. Yes, also a choice, but mistake none the less. We already know his bf - having been cheated on before - would be super sensitive over it, and probably freak out irreparably. Not everyone would, but we have clear indication HE would. Is that irrational? To me everyone who lets themselves get damaged by infidelity is irrational, but it's also understandable.

The bottom line however is that OP had a loving relationship, which was threatened by destruction because of that ONE mistake he made. Is this about someone having the "right" to know something? Hell no. Personal and romantic interaction between people is NEVER about some middle school ideal of honesty and justice. It's about people who adapt themselves based on other people, and do their best to make it work.

Would the relationship have worked if OP had hidden his one mistake and had let it be reminder of a weakness that would help him not do that again? Maybe. I say yes. If you care about someone, if you REALLY care, you take the punch and you do everything to save what you have with them.

However, OP chose the path of easing his own pain, preferring to make his bf miserable instead of suffering alone. I don't see justice in this type of honesty. I see selfishness and stupidity. Yes, you feel better for having been honest. More power to you, I'm sure it's a great consolation when your relationship crumbles because of it and you've inflicted another wound on an already hurt person.


We all say we would want to know if that happened to us. And we all believe it, even I do. But the truth of it is, if it was an actual MISTAKE, and not a sign of some problem, if it was a slip, and not an ongoing thing, we would all be better off never finding out. Nobody is defined by the one mistake they make. They are defined by how they deal with it after. And if someone loves you, it's not "controlling" of them to not tell you when they fucked up, if they are suffering because of it and would never do it again. It is merciful and mature.

 

[hkj1982]

This isn't about rights and wrongs, and it certainly isn't as simple as "just a choice". Cheating is not some psychological disorder that turns you evil. A good 50% of the time it is not even done by design. Many occasions of cheating are accidents, a bad convergence of circumstances that lead people to make bad decisions or some times even rob them of the freedom to make the good ones. And anyone who claims they are immune to it, is either lying, or not very smart.

...snip...

BUT! He loves his bf. That to me is clear from both the tone of the topic and its very existence. He made a bad choice based on conflicted feelings, but he wasn't having an affair, and neither was he a serial cheater. He made one mistake. es get damaged by infidelity is irrational, but it's also understandable.

..snip...

The bottom line however is that OP had a loving relationship, which was threatened by destruction because of that ONE mistake he made.

If you care about someone, if you REALLY care, you take the punch and you do everything to save what you have with them.

We all say we would want to know if that happened to us. And we all believe it, even I do. But the truth of it is, if it was an actual MISTAKE, and not a sign of some problem, if it was a slip, and not an ongoing thing, we would all be better off never finding out. Nobody is defined by the one mistake they make. They are defined by how they deal with it after. And if someone loves you, it's not "controlling" of them to not tell you when they fucked up, if they are suffering because of it and would never do it again. It is merciful and mature.

I disagree with a lot of this, speaking from a monogamous relationship where we've talked a lot about this kind of issue. The bottom line is that cheating really is "just a choice." Everyone is tempted from time to time. That part isn't a choice. But there are certain situations you can put yourself in where you know it's more likely you'll act on that temptation. Like, in the OP's case, the decision to invite the friend over despite clearly being aware something might happen. It's a choice whether or not you'll put yourself in that kind of situation.

My bf and I have talked about what we know are the situations where each of us would be most likely to act on the temptation. It can be different for each person. That helps a lot with trust because each of us knows the other one knows what he has to do to stay faithful. That's different from just telling each other "I love you and I'd never cheat." It's not just about feeling bad when you're tempted, or talking a lot about how much you love the other person. Love is about what you do, not just what you think.

OP did the right thing telling the bf, because the bf has the right to know whether OP has learned any of these lessons from this. If I was the bf and I heard "I know I was wrong to put myself in that situation, I thought I could control myself but I couldn't, and I've learned that in the future I need to completely avoid that kind of situation instead of relying on my self control," I'd consider giving OP a second chance. If all I heard was "I'm really sorry, I don't know how it happened, I'll never do it again," I'd show him the door.

 

[Rolyo85]

You sound like you have a healthy relationship with lots of communication. That's seriously different from OP's relationship where his bf was clearly not level-headed on the topic of cheating, and freaked out BEFORE something even happened.

 

[DigitalFudge]

Well, if he got shown the door, I'm sure posting in a forum is the last thing on his mind right now.

I am very fascinated by the black and white view so many people here exhibit. I ask you - is one mistake worth throwing something precious away? Is complete and total honesty always justified, even when all it does is cause damage?

In other words, what you are saying is: Honesty causes the damage, not the cheating.


Is one mistake worth throwing something precious away? Depends if that mistake changes the value of this "Precious" thing.

If he made a mistake and called him a name he didn't like, I wouldn't throw it away.

Unfortunately, that's not what happened.



Edit: Also, I find it amusing how offended you were at the idea of his Fiance forbidding him from seeing this friend.

Perhaps the reason it did not raise any red flags with me is because I read it as hyperbole. Or it could be I am surrounded by really abrasive relationships and I am desensitized to that kind of rhetoric or behavior. However, it sounds like you are using that to defend the OP claiming both sides are at fault here. Or that this Fiance somehow contributed to this betrayal.

My opinion of course, just thought it was intriguing.

All of this sounds to me like none of you has been in this situation really. This isn't about rights and wrongs, and it certainly isn't as simple as "just a choice". Cheating is not some psychological disorder that turns you evil. A good 50% of the time it is not even done by design. Many occasions of cheating are accidents, a bad convergence of circumstances that lead people to make bad decisions or some times even rob them of the freedom to make the good ones. And anyone who claims they are immune to it, is either lying, or not very smart.

In this particular situation the OP knew it was wrong to do it. I am not excusing him, he acted selfishly and it was stupid. BUT! He loves his bf. That to me is clear from both the tone of the topic and its very existence. He made a bad choice based on conflicted feelings, but he wasn't having an affair, and neither was he a serial cheater. He made one mistake. Yes, also a choice, but mistake none the less. We already know his bf - having been cheated on before - would be super sensitive over it, and probably freak out irreparably. Not everyone would, but we have clear indication HE would. Is that irrational? To me everyone who lets themselves get damaged by infidelity is irrational, but it's also understandable.

The bottom line however is that OP had a loving relationship, which was threatened by destruction because of that ONE mistake he made. Is this about someone having the "right" to know something? Hell no. Personal and romantic interaction between people is NEVER about some middle school ideal of honesty and justice. It's about people who adapt themselves based on other people, and do their best to make it work.

Would the relationship have worked if OP had hidden his one mistake and had let it be reminder of a weakness that would help him not do that again? Maybe. I say yes. If you care about someone, if you REALLY care, you take the punch and you do everything to save what you have with them.

However, OP chose the path of easing his own pain, preferring to make his bf miserable instead of suffering alone. I don't see justice in this type of honesty. I see selfishness and stupidity. Yes, you feel better for having been honest. More power to you, I'm sure it's a great consolation when your relationship crumbles because of it and you've inflicted another wound on an already hurt person.


We all say we would want to know if that happened to us. And we all believe it, even I do. But the truth of it is, if it was an actual MISTAKE, and not a sign of some problem, if it was a slip, and not an ongoing thing, we would all be better off never finding out. Nobody is defined by the one mistake they make. They are defined by how they deal with it after. And if someone loves you, it's not "controlling" of them to not tell you when they fucked up, if they are suffering because of it and would never do it again. It is merciful and mature.

I understand your point perfectly now.

My definition of love is: Respect, honesty, and appreciation.

Yours is: Make the other person feel as good as possible at all times.

^^ That is not me being snarky (It sure does fucking sound like it though) but am I wrong?

"We would be better off not finding out"

"Hidden his one mistake"

So secrecy and betrayal are the cornerstones of a successful relationship?

 

[hkj1982]

You sound like you have a healthy relationship with lots of communication. That's seriously different from OP's relationship where his bf was clearly not level-headed on the topic of cheating, and freaked out BEFORE something even happened.

Why are you being so hard on the bf for that? It looks like he was right! I know everyone's getting hung up on the OP's use of the word "forbid." First, we don't know if that's what the bf really said -- we only have the OP's side of that conversation. Second, it doesn't sound that unreasonable given the gravity of the situation. We're not talking "I forbid you to use 2% milk instead of skim" or "I forbid you to go to the mall with your best friend." Even if the bf could have used more delicate language, we're still talking "You have to not put yourself in a situation where there's a high likelihood you'll cheat on me." If both people say they want a monogamous relationship, this sounds normal to me. The fact that the bf was willing to speak up on this instead of sitting idly by hoping for the best says to me there was some effort at communication.

 

[Rolyo85]

@ Digital Fudge - You simplify what I said. First - and I can't stress this hard enough - there is NO right and wrong formula for dealing with cheating. It is not ONE thing and therefore there is no ONE way to deal with it. Everything I've said in this topic relates to this particular situation, as described by the OP, as well as ones similar to it. I am perfectly aware that there are hundreds of other types of cheating situations, because I am, yunno, not an idiot.

No, I'm not saying that "Honesty causes the damage, not the cheating". Again, I'm not an idiot. Of course cheating causes damage. Usually irreparable. HOWEVER, up until a certain point it has only caused damage to the cheater. In my mind there is a GIGANTIC difference between you making one bad decision that would leave you feeling miserable and guilt-ridden, and having an affair or serial hook ups behind your bf's back. The former is something bad that you've done and regret, but it is NOT - for me - real betrayal. Yes, it is wrong on every level, you should not have done it, and you SHOULD feel like shit for having done it, but it is not betrayal.

People tend to call many things "honesty" to hide selfish motives. Calling people names to their face, being an asshole douchebag from hell to your friends, bullying gay kids in school because you're from a religious fanatics family - this is all called "honesty". Is this "honesty" a good thing? No, it's not. If we were constantly "honest" with each other about everything, society wouldn't exist, we'd all have killed each other. Diplomacy is BASED on dishonesty. So is any kind of rhetoric.

Everybody who thinks they want full and complete honesty in a relationship hasn't really thought about what that actually means. Do you want your bf to be really "honest" about all the imperfections of your body he doesn't like? Or of the silly noises you might make during sex? How about all your annoying habits you have when you're home? Do you really want this "honesty"?

Yet SOMEHOW, magically, when it comes to cheating, everybody just judges that it's an "all or nothing" thing, and you have to spill your guts confessional style, beg for forgiveness, crawl and possibly suffer eternal torment in the hands of a thousand sex-starved demons. Really? REALLY? How about no.

When a relationship is worth keeping, when it's worth fighting for, one mistake - ANY one mistake - should not define whether it survives or not. Of course, once you repeat this particular offense, you enter the realm of serial cheating, and any excuse on the grounds of conflicting emotions, bad judgment, bad situations etc. goes out the window. But I do believe we can all find ourselves in that one particular situation where we are in a serious danger of making the wrong choice, and I also believe we can't always avoid it, as it isn't necessarily as obvious from afar as OP's situation was.


Now about the "forbidding". I refuse to use double standards. Yes, we only have OP's description of the conversation, but we also only have his angle on the cheating. Yet the Judgment Fidelity Paragons Brigade was quick to base their high horse condemnation on it. If we're going to believe one part, we'll believe everything, I say, until given reason not to.

I do NOT believe in freaking out about jealousy. I do NOT believe in trying to in any way restrict your partner because of your own insecurity. The most you are ever allowed to do with me - and the most I'll ever assume to do with you - is talk to me about your discomfort, and ASK me respectfully to maybe not do something that's not super important to me, as it makes you feel bad. That's as far as it goes. OP made it very clear that his bf was DEMANDING things of him. Yes, it did turn out to be with a reason, but I know for a fact that if you try to forbid me something, that something only gets more exciting and desirable. Try to force someone to stay away from something, you push him in that direction instantly.

And again with the turbo-simplification. No, for me love is not "Make the other person feel as good as possible at all times" and secrecy and betrayal are definitely NOT "the cornerstones of a successful relationship". Love is everything you say, but love is also compassion, and caring for the other person before the selfish drive to alleviate your guilt by dumping it all on him. A relationship is built on respect and dialogue. Not freak outs, demands and absolutes.

The last especially. There are NEVER absolutes. I believe in honesty. Wholeheartedly. I do not believe in cruelty though, and there are those cases where honesty equals cruelty. If you are the person who would stray on occasion, then by all means - be honest about it. But if you are a decent guy who sincerely loves his bf, and have slipped once - what good is honesty here, when it will only wound and destroy, instead of strengthen and heal?



------------

@ hkj1982 - I think I more or less replied to your post as well in this one. I do not believe in your line of reasoning. I have never avoided situations that would encourage cheating, because I trust myself that I can resist the urge. So far I haven't been proven wrong. If you come to me and say "You have to not put yourself in a situation where there's a high likelihood you'll cheat on me.", it will translate to me "I don't trust you to be able to resist cheating on me unless you make a special effort to avoid it". I don't find this reasoning normal. If you have so little trust in me, what are you even doing with me in the first place?

Also, let's not overdramatize - I haven't been "hard" on the bf. I just said he was wrong to act the way he did - he made the situation into a bigger thing in advance, before having actual reason to do it. Whether he ended up being right or not is irrelevant to the fact that he comes across as insecure and controlling to me. I said it in my very first post - OP is MUUUUUUUUCH more at fault here than anyone else in the situation. But the bf HAS some guilt too. I stand by this opinion.

 

[KaraBulut]

Sorry, I know it's not my place to moderate the forum, but it really bugs me that in a place where we're supposed to give advice to people who often add comments and explanations in subsequent posts, nobody seems to read past the opening post...

A moderators note:

This is an advice forum not a debate forum.

If you strongly disagree with the advice given, then PM the person who gave the advice and have a private debate about it.

The whole point of posting in a forum like this is to get a bunch of different viewpoints and different advice. It defeats the purpose if everyone starts debating whose advice is better. In cases like this, the OP ends up sitting in a corner asking, "Why is everyone arguing? And what about my problem?".

So, here's the recap:

• You had a history with a friend.
• You now have a boyfriend.
• Friend is coming to town. Your boyfriend told you he didn't want you to see the friend.
• You cheated on your boyfriend with the friend.
• You admitted to the boyfriend not only that you cheated but that- in spite of your boyfriend forbidding you to see the friend- you saw the friend anyway.

There's not much else to say here. If you need advice on how to repair a relationship or how to get over a breakup, then we're here to give you advice on that, too.

But in a different thread because this one is now closed.