Is this Starbucks or what ?
Ahhhh... Starbucks... I simply love it. Too bad they have shops only in Paris
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Just found out my bf cheated on me
- Thread starter innocentbychoice
- Start date
Ahhhh... Starbucks... I simply love it. Too bad they have shops only in Paris
innocentbychoice
JUB Addict
Thank you guys for all your messages and scoldings.
All of this is weird and crazy for me...this was my first relationship and I'm just...following my heart. I know it's hard to understand but the people who know him (even my mom) tell me that things can be worked out...that he's a good guy underneath it all...that sometimes people make mistakes...Am I wrong for believing that? Am I wrong for believing him when he says he's gonna change? I haven't considered getting back with him but I just can't get him out of my life so easily...we've been together for 3 years...it's hard. Please guys try to understand me.
has anyone here been with someone who cheated and then changed or something?
All of this is weird and crazy for me...this was my first relationship and I'm just...following my heart. I know it's hard to understand but the people who know him (even my mom) tell me that things can be worked out...that he's a good guy underneath it all...that sometimes people make mistakes...Am I wrong for believing that? Am I wrong for believing him when he says he's gonna change? I haven't considered getting back with him but I just can't get him out of my life so easily...we've been together for 3 years...it's hard. Please guys try to understand me.
has anyone here been with someone who cheated and then changed or something?
innocentbychoice
JUB Addict
Thank you for your kind words and for caring. I really need it right now.
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While you're to be lauded for trying to take a mature view of infidelity and trying to salvage your relationship, I'm not sure you're really accepting a lot of the repetition of the advice here.
A lot of people have spent time on this thread trying to give you advice and scoldings. The OP never is obligated to follow any of the advice given here. We want diverse opinions so that the OP can take the responsibility of making an informed decision.. but ultimately it is the OP who must decide and must bear the consequences of their decision.
It's not that your relationship is flawed. It's that your boyfriend has a fundamental flaw that has resulted in multiple instances of infidelity. Repairing your relationship will not repair your boyfriend's fundamental flaws. And there's been no indication that he's willing to make the effort to own his problem and change it. And by falling into the same pattern of having sex with him, you're just reinforcing his need to equate sex with self-esteem and gratification.
Since you are relatively inexperienced at dating, you may not have encountered a common theme in dating- the guy that is "just coming out of a bad relationship" and "isn't ready for a commitment". If you're not careful, that guy will be you.
The choice is yours to make but this relationship has the potential for more pain and hurt for you. And many a cynic about relationships was formerly an optimist who stayed in a relationship like yours.
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
The fact that he cheated on you several times doesn't necessarily make him a horrible human being. But it makes him a horrible human being to be in a monogamous relationship with.
He didn't "make mistakes". He deliberately chose to betray your trust on several occasions. And he didn't come to a realization that what he was doing was wrong. He got caught. If he learned a lesson from this, I doubt it was "don't cheat on your boyfriend". It was "don't get caught".
KB called for coffee because we saw it coming. We saw you ready to ignore the advice to cut clean from him, and instead "confront" him. And, to the surprise of none of us who have been here awhile, you ended up having sex with him, and now you want to try to salvage the relationship.
You've seen women (and perhaps men) who stay in abusive relationships. And you may have wondered why they don't ditch the mofo already. But perhaps now you understand a bit better. It isn't that easy when you're in it. It's easy to believe the mea culpas and sweet talk afterwards, and to believe that he's seen the error of his ways, and to succumb to the pleasant attention you no doubt are getting right now.
Chances are very great that he will cheat again. You can deal with this fact in several ways.
You can turn a now-knowing-but-blind eye to his extra-curriculars.
You can open the relationship, either with or without disclosure. Let him have sex with other guys so long as you are made aware of them.
Or you can find someone who isn't interested in anybody but you.
None of these options is going to be pleasant for you.
Lex
He didn't "make mistakes". He deliberately chose to betray your trust on several occasions. And he didn't come to a realization that what he was doing was wrong. He got caught. If he learned a lesson from this, I doubt it was "don't cheat on your boyfriend". It was "don't get caught".
KB called for coffee because we saw it coming. We saw you ready to ignore the advice to cut clean from him, and instead "confront" him. And, to the surprise of none of us who have been here awhile, you ended up having sex with him, and now you want to try to salvage the relationship.
You've seen women (and perhaps men) who stay in abusive relationships. And you may have wondered why they don't ditch the mofo already. But perhaps now you understand a bit better. It isn't that easy when you're in it. It's easy to believe the mea culpas and sweet talk afterwards, and to believe that he's seen the error of his ways, and to succumb to the pleasant attention you no doubt are getting right now.
Chances are very great that he will cheat again. You can deal with this fact in several ways.
You can turn a now-knowing-but-blind eye to his extra-curriculars.
You can open the relationship, either with or without disclosure. Let him have sex with other guys so long as you are made aware of them.
Or you can find someone who isn't interested in anybody but you.
None of these options is going to be pleasant for you.
Lex
innocentbychoice
JUB Addict
Guys...I guess you both know what you're talking about...And I'm happy that at least the 2 of you replied...I would've felt like shit if everyone ignored me because of my last post.
We haven't seen each other for 2 days. But we have talked on the phone a lot. Do you think I should just stop talking to him and deal with the pain by myself?
Here's what he says to me: He knows he made a mistake. He wants to change, he's willing to change. He says that he wants to offer me a 100% fidelity and honesty. He says that would marry me if he could (that's impossible where we are). Is that what they all say?
Everyone tells me they've seen him suffer and that he deeply regrets it, and that I should give him a chance because he's a good guy. Please answer...don't be done with me just because I'm silly and did what I did
.
PS: Thank you for the clarification of the coffee thing...I had no clue and was kinda sad because I thought it was a way of mocking what happened to me.
We haven't seen each other for 2 days. But we have talked on the phone a lot. Do you think I should just stop talking to him and deal with the pain by myself?
Here's what he says to me: He knows he made a mistake. He wants to change, he's willing to change. He says that he wants to offer me a 100% fidelity and honesty. He says that would marry me if he could (that's impossible where we are). Is that what they all say?
Everyone tells me they've seen him suffer and that he deeply regrets it, and that I should give him a chance because he's a good guy. Please answer...don't be done with me just because I'm silly and did what I did
.PS: Thank you for the clarification of the coffee thing...I had no clue and was kinda sad because I thought it was a way of mocking what happened to me.
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I think you need to decide what you want/need.
And whether there's any hope that you'll ever get it from this relationship. I'm not optimistic.
Here's what he says to me: He knows he made a mistake. He wants to change, he's willing to change. He says that he wants to offer me a 100% fidelity and honesty. He says that would marry me if he could (that's impossible where we are). Is that what they all say?
Everyone tells me they've seen him suffer and that he deeply regrets it, and that I should give him a chance because he's a good guy. Please answer...don't be done with me just because I'm silly and did what I did
Being a good guy doesn't mean that he's not fundamentally flawed.
Words aren't change. Promises aren't change.
This guy can suffer and whine and say sweet nothings to you all day but that's not the same thing as changing. So, what is he willing to do to fix his problem. Get into therapy? Give you space to make up your mind?
Underlying this thread is a lot of co-dependence and enabling behavior on your part. It might be good for you to take a break and work on some of your own confusion and emotional baggage. You're entitled to your feelings but in retrospect, you went from hurt to thermo-nuclear in a really short period of time. And the fear of abandonment you're verbalizing to us really does point to some issues that are yours to work on.
It's a sad life lesson but love isn't enough. Really, it isn't.
Maybe you both could use that break for a bit.
Nope, Lex and I pull up a chair, or have coffee (or a drink) or play board games alot in CO&R. It's our way of waiting out the inevitable until we have to help deal with the fallout.
Sometimes it takes a few times before people learn. It's human nature.
As the Buddhists say, "Pain is learning".
heartfly77
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People have faults. I see it happen all the time. The same people who got cheated on and were so mad about it, somehow find themselves cheating later on. People get caught up in the moment. I have been there myself. You can never forget, but you can forgive. If the relationship is important to both of you, then it is worth it. Otherwise, the pain and suffering is not worth it. Move on and don't fret.
I myself had a very difficult time with my first breakup. But you will learn and be stronger.
I myself had a very difficult time with my first breakup. But you will learn and be stronger.
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
>>>Everyone tells me they've seen him suffer and that he deeply regrets it, and that I should give him a chance because he's a good guy.
The way I see it, if a guy got caught up in the heat of a moment, messed around with another guy, felt horrible about it, came back to you confessing everything and begging for your forgiveness...that might qualify as a "mistake". And I'd give a lot of thought to forgiving him and giving him another chance.
You have evidence of at least one affair. Photographic evidence. That he took, and then e-mailed to the guy the next day. This doesn't sound like a guy who was feeling a lot of remorse. And you have evidence that maybe (but not certainly) this wasn't a one-time thing. Given this, I wouldn't be able to believe that now he's gonna be a monogamous, devoted-to-you fellow.
If you asked me what you should do, I would say that he broke your trust completely, and now he's gonna have to earn it back. Start by taking time off to yourself. Don't contact him in any way, and block his number temporarily if you have to. Then, start rebuilding. Take your time. And it'll be up to him if it's worth it.
Lex
The way I see it, if a guy got caught up in the heat of a moment, messed around with another guy, felt horrible about it, came back to you confessing everything and begging for your forgiveness...that might qualify as a "mistake". And I'd give a lot of thought to forgiving him and giving him another chance.
You have evidence of at least one affair. Photographic evidence. That he took, and then e-mailed to the guy the next day. This doesn't sound like a guy who was feeling a lot of remorse. And you have evidence that maybe (but not certainly) this wasn't a one-time thing. Given this, I wouldn't be able to believe that now he's gonna be a monogamous, devoted-to-you fellow.
If you asked me what you should do, I would say that he broke your trust completely, and now he's gonna have to earn it back. Start by taking time off to yourself. Don't contact him in any way, and block his number temporarily if you have to. Then, start rebuilding. Take your time. And it'll be up to him if it's worth it.
Lex
innocentbychoice
JUB Addict
Auch. Maybe there's some of that and I haven't realized it...
innocentbychoice
JUB Addict
Auch again. I hadn't thought about it...why would he sent the pics if he felt so bad about it?
. Ugh, fuck. Love hurts...I hate it.
capchino2009
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Maybe you can forgive him and maybe even move forward without infidelity being a problem. only you know how to fill your hearts desires.
Im going through the suspicions thing and I really don't want to know the whole truth right now. It hurts me to think I may have been second in my sweets life for a time or two and knowing that as a fact would crush me and he would be out of my life for sure.
if you have the stomach then get all of the details and then decide how hard he worked to deceive you. You will probably know where to go then.
If you can't live without him then give him another chance.
Im going through the suspicions thing and I really don't want to know the whole truth right now. It hurts me to think I may have been second in my sweets life for a time or two and knowing that as a fact would crush me and he would be out of my life for sure.
if you have the stomach then get all of the details and then decide how hard he worked to deceive you. You will probably know where to go then.
If you can't live without him then give him another chance.
Up ! It's been three days since your last message... give us some news !Auch again. I hadn't thought about it...why would he sent the pics if he felt so bad about it?
mac_twck
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Auch again. I hadn't thought about it...why would he sent the pics if he felt so bad about it?
Love does not hurt. Being betrayed by someone we loved does.
This too shall pass and you will be OK.
innocentbychoice
JUB Addict
Wow can't believe it's been a year since the last time I wrote in this thread.
I left JUB for a while, needed a break from it all.
And well, how all of this ended? Last year, when it all happened, I forgave him. We decided to work in our relationship but I had trust issues. Plus I was angry and bitter for what he did, I just couldn't get over it.
So I asked for advice to a married female friend of mine, she has been married for 10 years and I suppose she has been cheated on as well. She gave the most twisted, but actually useful, advice I could expect. She told me that I would get over the whole thing when I cheated on him as well. It would be a way for me to find out if I really wanted to be with my bf or not, if I wanted to leave him or not, and it would help me get over the fact that he did it as well.
At first I thought it was a crazy idea, but after 8 months of not getting over what he did to me, I was tired, pissed off, and to be honest, I wanted revenge. So I went out with this model I met and we fooled around. I told my bf 2 weeks later and he started crying, he was sad and hurt but at the same time he felt like he couldn't sayu anything cuz he had done it as well, so he forgave me.
At that point I was happy because, as it turns out, doing it really helped me get over what he did. I was like "now we're even" and decided to work on our relationship and make it stronger. It was a new start...or so I thought.
He then confessed to me that he had cheated with somebody else...So we broke up again...and I forgave him again (I was a fool).
We broke up for good after I found out he had created a profile in some website to meet men. The worse part was his excuse, he told me that it wasn't him who created the profile, but that someone did it with his e-mail so I would notice and get angry at him. And he said with such conviction that I realized he's a motherfucking liar...If he gave that ridiculous and absurd excuse with such conviction, I don't even want to think about a lot of other things he must have lied about as well.
So I'm single now, and I'm happy with my decision. I deleted him from my facebook account, my msn, my blackberry, my everything. And I decided to move on. I haven't talked to him for a while now...
I was fine until yesterday; I was at a friend's house and my friend was logged in facebook, and I couldn't help it, I saw my ex's profile through my friend's profile even though I know I shouldn't have. And I realized he added lots of guys, including guys I knew he liked, and well, I know he has every right to move on just like I do, but it just hurt me a bit to see with my own eyes. Plus I can't help but wonder how many other times he cheated and I didn't find out. Oh well I'm a bit down today, needing a friend really, but I'll get over it.
I left JUB for a while, needed a break from it all.
And well, how all of this ended? Last year, when it all happened, I forgave him. We decided to work in our relationship but I had trust issues. Plus I was angry and bitter for what he did, I just couldn't get over it.
So I asked for advice to a married female friend of mine, she has been married for 10 years and I suppose she has been cheated on as well. She gave the most twisted, but actually useful, advice I could expect. She told me that I would get over the whole thing when I cheated on him as well. It would be a way for me to find out if I really wanted to be with my bf or not, if I wanted to leave him or not, and it would help me get over the fact that he did it as well.
At first I thought it was a crazy idea, but after 8 months of not getting over what he did to me, I was tired, pissed off, and to be honest, I wanted revenge. So I went out with this model I met and we fooled around. I told my bf 2 weeks later and he started crying, he was sad and hurt but at the same time he felt like he couldn't sayu anything cuz he had done it as well, so he forgave me.
At that point I was happy because, as it turns out, doing it really helped me get over what he did. I was like "now we're even" and decided to work on our relationship and make it stronger. It was a new start...or so I thought.
He then confessed to me that he had cheated with somebody else...So we broke up again...and I forgave him again (I was a fool).
We broke up for good after I found out he had created a profile in some website to meet men. The worse part was his excuse, he told me that it wasn't him who created the profile, but that someone did it with his e-mail so I would notice and get angry at him. And he said with such conviction that I realized he's a motherfucking liar...If he gave that ridiculous and absurd excuse with such conviction, I don't even want to think about a lot of other things he must have lied about as well.
So I'm single now, and I'm happy with my decision. I deleted him from my facebook account, my msn, my blackberry, my everything. And I decided to move on. I haven't talked to him for a while now...
I was fine until yesterday; I was at a friend's house and my friend was logged in facebook, and I couldn't help it, I saw my ex's profile through my friend's profile even though I know I shouldn't have. And I realized he added lots of guys, including guys I knew he liked, and well, I know he has every right to move on just like I do, but it just hurt me a bit to see with my own eyes. Plus I can't help but wonder how many other times he cheated and I didn't find out. Oh well I'm a bit down today, needing a friend really, but I'll get over it.