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Just found out my cousin is bi. What do I do?

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boyinboy

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I should preface this by saying I am bisexual, but mainly identify myself as gay. I'm sure something like this comes up fairly often, but I need to vent and share my frustration.

I just found out through an email mixup with a mutual friend that my cousin is bisexual. I am 100% comfortable with taking this friend's word as gospel, and from where I stand, this isn't completely out of the blue. However, my cousin doesn't know I'm bi, or rather I don't know if he knows (if that makes any sense).

What really bothers me is that we used to be like brothers but we never talked about sex. I'm realizing now that it was probably because our fear of being judged or hated made the topic uncomfortable. If we would have been open about it, we might have been better off - not being afraid of being "found out". I know at that point in time, I wished I had someone to talk to.

The way I see it, I have two options:
1. Go about my business and bottle this up. No harm done, at least to him.
2. Talk to him about it. Yet, how would I even start that conversation? Moreover, what might that conversation do to our relationship?

Any advice or comments are welcome. Thanks for your time.
 
Is he "out" anywhere online. . .like on his Myspace/Facebook profile, or something?

In the remote chance that he is, you could friend request him on there and let him see you're bisexual too. This would leave it up to him to start up a conversation about it, etc etc.


JUST A SUGGESTION.
 
Thanks for the quick reply. Our friend gave me a link to his "gay.com" profile. All the info is correct, but there is no photo. His answer to the "how out are you" question is "not out at all yet". I don't know if I should tell him I'm bi or wait for him to tell me. Either way, I want this all to be out in the open...I think. Maybe it's just best to let it be. I don't know. Again thanks for the advice.
 
Well...his height, weight, age, location, spoken languages, interests and habits are spot on. I realize that this is not irrefutable "evidence", but I'm not looking to pin him, e.g. "ahh ha! I got you!" I'm just as cynical as the next guy, but I trust my friend and I can't see how he would have anything to gain from deception.
However, I would like some suggestions for having this talk with him offline. I don't think an ambush is really my style.
 
He's your cousin and family. The both of you share in common a very important thing. What a blessing it would be to support each other in the family.

Tell him you're bi. Don't even mention that you found out first. Just say, "Hey, we've always been close and I consider you like a brother. I want to tell you something important about myself because I know you'd love and support me no matter what. I'm bi."

Tadaa! That's all you have to do. You don't have to mention that you knew about him first. Just treat it casual, and most likely, he will be open and honest with you.
 
Just_Believe18 said:
He's your cousin and family. The both of you share in common a very important thing. What a blessing it would be to support each other in the family.

Tell him you're bi. Don't even mention that you found out first. Just say, "Hey, we've always been close and I consider you like a brother. I want to tell you something important about myself because I know you'd love and support me no matter what. I'm bi."

Tadaa! That's all you have to do. You don't have to mention that you knew about him first. Just treat it casual, and most likely, he will be open and honest with you.
Click to expand...

I agree. Confide in him. If he is bi, he will then have the option to share with you as well. Don't expect it to be an immediate thing though. He may need some time to sort himself out. Definitely do NOT out him first. You implied you two had a close relationship. My guess is that distance has grown between the two of you as you hid your secrets from each other, give him time to prepare himself to share his secret.
 
Just_Believe18 said:
He's your cousin and family. The both of you share in common a very important thing. What a blessing it would be to support each other in the family.

Tell him you're bi.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the very sweet notion. That would be the simplest way, and probably the best.

My only hangup with this is that I've always believed that not telling the whole truth is, in itself, a lie.

Maybe I could do what you suggested; then, at the right time (maybe a week, maybe a year) tell him how I "gathered the courage to come out to him"?
 
I understand.

I always wanted him to be the first to know. Regardless of the circumstances leading up to telling him, I recognize that at this point in my life, it's finally time to tell someone in my family. That's not to say that I will do it immediately, but I know that if I wait too long, I will chicken out like I have in the past.
 
Willie Boy said:
My guess is that distance has grown between the two of you as you hid your secrets from each other...
Click to expand...

I would say that's fairly accurate. At least from my perspective, it seemed like he was distancing himself, and I let him go because I needed my space as well. I never thought of looking at it the other way though; maybe I was distancing myself and he let me go.

Either way, instead of being brothers, we're more like friends who still call each other once or twice a month. This puts another kink in my plan, but I still want him to know before anyone else in the family.
 
boyinboy said:
I would say that's fairly accurate. At least from my perspective, it seemed like he was distancing himself, and I let him go because I needed my space as well. I never thought of looking at it the other way though; maybe I was distancing myself and he let me go.

Either way, instead of being brothers, we're more like friends who still call each other once or twice a month. This puts another kink in my plan, but I still want him to know before anyone else in the family.
Click to expand...

Well,just remind him of how you guys used to be, then apologize for allowing your friendship to weaken. Explain that you have something you need to share and would appreciate his support. Then tell him you are bi. Like I said, he might need some time to... not so much accept you as to prepare himself to share his own "secret" with you. Then again, once you confide in him, he may be able to come out to you as well. Remember not to pressure him though, we are all individuals, and we all deal with life in our own ways. As close as you guys used to be, I'm pretty sure he will support you at the least, and possibly your friendship can be strengthened through this.
 
It would do you wonders if you just told him :) I wish I had someone in my family to confide in
 
Look in your pants.

You'll find a set of balls.

Tell you cousin that you want him to be the first to know that you're a homo. Or bi. Whatever.
 
I think I would try to make sure that profile really is him before I went any further.
 
Come out to him. You should have before you found out about him.

Now, go. Get it done.
 
Woah. This thread is going to help me out a lot as well. I'm currently in the SAME EXACT situation.
The fucked up part is... I'm trying my hardest to contact my cousin, I'm searching everywhere from myspace, facebook, #'s and all these other sites. He has completely cut off the whole family since his father outed him out, he was moving to Arkansas and I really need to talk to him so he can see that he has me to get through this because I am what he is as well. He's not the only one.
 
Boyinboy, please keep us updated when you tell him. We like to hear about the resolutions of how things turn out for everyone.

Superxman, that's terrible to hear! Don't give up. Keep trying. Does your cousin have any brothers or sisters that you know of? He may have "cut off" the family, but he might be keeping in touch with a family member he trusts. Do you also know of any best friends he has? They might have a way of contacting him. Keep us posted too!
 
You know, it's all about being in the present. Boyinboy, if you can just be with your cousin and make this about your disclosure, with no mind toward his. If you feel bad that you held back some of the truth from him, that's fine, but as someone so wisely said above, not revealing things isn't the same as lying. Discretion is allowed (in this hyper conscious, snapshot & video happy society) and my suggestion is, the farther you stay away from that topic the better. Once you start talking, the better he may feel.

My suspicion is once you start talking YOUR truth, from YOUR heart, he'll hear your love for him (which is obvious to me, here, by the way) and he'll be able to open as far as he's ready to go. Then wait. The hard part about all of this is the discretion and the waiting. Just because you discovered a secret first, don't rush someone else, ya dig?

Superxman: Dude, that's rough. Skip myspace, facebook...etc...go directly to intelius.com and try their free search. Then google "people finder" and go from there. You can find him....we're all too connected to hide now. Feel free to personal message me. I find people.

Good luck to both of you...>I hope this thread keeps pinging me on your replies....??

hugs,

S.
 
Thanks everyone for the encouragement. I'm just wondering if I should wait until he comes home for Christmas. Is this something I can do over the phone? I don't think I could! Then again, I really don't want to hold on to this for too long.

It's been a couple days and I'm just now starting to come to terms with the situation. It would have been so much easier, or rather simpler, if I would have done this years ago. I knew then that he would understand and help me, but now...it's all whole new ballgame. What if he is still uncomfortable with himself?

The funny part is he probably already knows, or rather he probably assumes that I'm gay; it's just the "saying it" part. I've been comfortable with letting people know about my sexuality outside of the family, but somehow this feels completely different. Any suggestions?

Again, thanks for the gracious and helpful comments.
 
Or you could just invite him for a drink at your local gay bar.
 
boyinboy said:
Thanks everyone for the encouragement. I'm just wondering if I should wait until he comes home for Christmas. Is this something I can do over the phone? I don't think I could! Then again, I really don't want to hold on to this for too long.

It's been a couple days and I'm just now starting to come to terms with the situation. It would have been so much easier, or rather simpler, if I would have done this years ago. I knew then that he would understand and help me, but now...it's all whole new ballgame. What if he is still uncomfortable with himself?

The funny part is he probably already knows, or rather he probably assumes that I'm gay; it's just the "saying it" part. I've been comfortable with letting people know about my sexuality outside of the family, but somehow this feels completely different. Any suggestions?

Again, thanks for the gracious and helpful comments.
Click to expand...

I don't see this as something to discuss over the phone. Wait for him to come home and talk with him.

I like Karabulut's idea of the gay bar, but I would keep the alcohol to a minimum. He is your cousin after all, and I don't know if you want to fall into a relationship with him, or risk family trouble if he refuses such a relationship.
 
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