Just Has To Be Said

[Nomenclature]

Most people's families seem to accept their son as gay and will eventually allow him to date, however. . .if your family DOESN'T accept you, then it means your only choice is to become financially independent, move away from them and completely lose them from your life if you ever want to start dating.


Having to lose your family just for that seriously fucking blows.

 

[thisisinteresting]

If they're the kind of people who can't accept their family for something like that, then they're not people I would want to associate with. It's sad yes, but I guess I'm not big on family, or you could say I only say that because my family doesn't care about what one another does in their private time. I don't know. I just wouldn't consider people like that family, probably before I even knew I was gay.

 

[Lefty]

Sad to the point of disheartening at times.

Bloodlines do not a family make. People of related DNA are not necessarily

family. It is my experience and opinion that a family is a co-hesive unit

that does not need or require 100 percent 24/7 adherence to their

social...political...religious or community values. That is a cult.

Family is a group of people (ideally related by blood and close association)

that have each others backs, care for the individual as such and as a part

of the group. They collectively feel a BOND with one another and care enough

about the other to accept the individual for that persons value and worth.

OK, I still have hopes of an Easter Bunny and a Santa Claus but believe if one

practices those precepts life can be good and sort of Pollyanna-ish. We all fuck

up from time to time...in and out of the CLAN but, family members strive to

accept, understand or at least just have unconditional love for one

another...approval not mandatory..acceptance is.

Sorry if these words seem a little trite and mawkish or maudlin,

but for me......it


JUST HAD TO BE SAID.

 

[Nomenclature]

If they're the kind of people who can't accept their family for something like that, then they're not people I would want to associate with.

The family you're born into - or even the family that adopts you - is supposed to the one constant in your life, until death. We ALL know that people lose friends, partners (even if you're married and have children with them) all the time. Other people are strangers who can just get bored with you one day and decide to walk out of your life. Family is different.


It's really not a jealousy thing, but it honestly just breaks my heart when people tell me "I came out to my brother and he said he still loves me, and my mother just wants me to use condoms and be safe and happy", because they haven't LOST anything. They don't have to be alone.



So either way, it looks like i'm going to have to spend a LOT of time being alone in my life, with no family or friends to offer any real support to me. Not something a 20-year old wants to hear.

 

[ronnie_h]

The family you're born into - or even the family that adopts you - is supposed to the one constant in your life, until death.

Says who?

If you end up in a real shitty family, it's always better to move on and find some people you love and care for... and vice versa.

 

[G-Lexington]

Family is as family does. If your family doesn't accept you for who you are, put as much distance between you and them as you need to in order to feel good about yourself again. For some, that might mean moving to the other side of town and only calling every other day. For others, that might means choosing a different city and never calling them again. And once there, start reaching out and making yourself some new friends. These will be the people that can offer support (and vice versa) when times get rough.

Yeah, it'd be great if all families were supportive. It'd make things a lot easier. But not all are. We don't all have killer good looks or ten inch cocks or winning personalities, either. We all got dealt different hands, and it's best to do what you can with what you got dealt. Having an unaccepting family does NOT doom you to live alone for the rest of your life. It just means you'll have to work a bit harder to create your own "family".

Lex

 

[Seasoned]

Most people's families seem to accept their son as gay and will eventually allow him to date, however. . .if your family DOESN'T accept you, then it means your only choice is to become financially independent, move away from them and completely lose them from your life if you ever want to start dating.


Having to lose your family just for that seriously fucking blows.

You are correct. That is a ridiculous reason to loose a family. I'm sorry if that is what is happening to you. Take care of yourself and stand up for yourself as best you can. I'm an optimist, believing people can change.

I have to admit I'm puzzled about expecting your parents to allow you to date.

 

[Nomenclature]

I have to admit I'm puzzled about expecting your parents to allow you to date.

Well, if you come from a strict ethnic family, they usually won't tolerate their son dating another man. I was flat out told that if they ever find out i'm with a guy, they never want me to be a part of their life again. If my family even gets suspicious that i'm talking to someone, they're telling me to get the fuck out of their house. All of this compared to my one straight friend, whose brother is gay and gets to bring his boyfriend to their family's Thanksgiving dinner every year.


If it were up to me, I really wouldn't have to accept my identity at the complete expense of my family. This is the part that troubles me.


Like i've said before: In this situation, your only choice is to go out in the world and support yourself. You have no family, and friends and boyfriends are only temporary and will walk away from you 9 times out of 10.




Like i've said before in another thread: Gay people aren't crazy because they're gay; most gay people are crazy because of all the shit they have to put up with in their lives. We brag about all the progress we make as a civil rights movement, and celebrate and feel a sense of community when someone famous makes the decision to come out, but in day-to-day life, being gay is still a very lonely, difficult life for a majority of people. This is why it's funny that people still think it's a choice.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK. What exactly is your point here? Are you asking for advice? Or just venting?


Yeah that sucks. But it would suck far worse to be born into incredible poverty in a shack, in some third world country.

Sucks is relative.

 

[Audio Tech]

I'd rather be gay than retarded, sick, crippled, Steven Hawking, etc.

Sucks DOES come in many flavors. Regardless of family, Gay isn't one of them, although we all feel that way when we decide to come out. Hey, I was willing to literally loose EVERYTHING, just to be "ME".

That takes enormous courage to face. In the end, for me at least, absolutely nothing happened except I am a much happier person.

Yes, it is very sad that this does not happen for everyone. But at SOME point you have to ask yourself, do you want to live YOUR life? Or your Family's.

 

[Nomenclature]

OK. What exactly is your point here? Are you asking for advice? Or just venting?

I don't expect advice or to be told anything I don't already know; I'm just looking to vent to a forum of people who could sympathize or relate. If that bothers you, then you don't have to post here.

Yeah that sucks. But it would suck far worse to be born into incredible poverty in a shack, in some third world country.

I'm sure, but this thread is about the struggle of being a gay young adult, and how it affects the relationship with your family. Do you have anything to offer on that subject?

I'd rather be gay than retarded, sick, crippled, Steven Hawking, etc.

I call it a "Hawking Hole".

Yes, it is very sad that this does not happen for everyone. But at SOME point you have to ask yourself, do you want to live YOUR life? Or your Family's.

Yeah, I understand that. Every once in awhile, I talk to a guy I really hit it off with and could see myself dating, but then I have to remind myself that in order to date this person, I would first have to completely move away from home and go through so much drama and BS with my family before it would be "okay". It's the modern version of the classic forbidden romance story. . .but that just makes it dirtier.


Yes, I know it's all inevitable. I guess i'm trying to psychologically prepare myself for what I see happening. I acknowledge that many of you here are adults in your mid 20s, 30s or beyond. . .and are long past the phase i'm currently in. I respect that, but I think it's a little unfair of some of you for trivializing and making fun of someone who's still there.


Anyways, i'm done if you are. You have my permission to let this thread fall off of the main page now.

 

[Lube]

I went off to college at 18. 3 hours away by car; just saw them for holidays. By my junior year, I stayed in my school town and held summer jobs there, so I only saw my family for Thanksgiving, Christmas, & Easter.

Then I went to grad school 3,000 miles away. Saw my family just once a year.

I wasn't even out (to myself or them). This is part of growing up. You sound way too dependent on your family. I probably sound like an old fart when I say this, but "kids today" (LOL) stay at home way too long.

Yes, my parents paid for my undergraduate college, but I didn't have an emotional umbilical cord to them. And ever since going to grad school, I've supported myself financially (in the sciences, you get paid a stipend).

I love my family and, luckily, they love me. But I have my own life. I own my life, my family doesn't. For 40+ years they did, but then I finally grew balls and lived life for me.

That's what you need to do. Live life for you. Not them.

 

[ericwhitney]

Curious what ethnicity you are. I ask because you allude to it, and because my friends who come from latino or indian or some asian cultures have WAY different family lives than I did. my experience was more like lube's - wasp family at arm's length.

i have an indian friend who dated in college despite his parents' express prohibition and unceasing efforts to marry him off. ! . when they asked if he was dating his boyfriend, he said no right to their faces. they knew he was lying, but it gave them some kind of psychic cover they needed to be OK with it in some way. sounds kind of twisted, but they had many other good qualities and he just figured this dating without coming out strategy was the best one for the time.

his father died a few years later without ever accepting it, and his mother eventually came to accept it. things change.

this story may offer nothing for your situation. except to say, it sucks. and you gotta figure out a way to get laid. and I understand that sometimes it's not so easy to lose your family from your life.

 

[jstanthrguy88]

My family has always embraced me hell my dad knocked his best friend out when he called me something. I cant imagin them not being ok with it. Im religious and even still if your going to put that and waht other people will think of you before your own child then you dont deserve to have your own kids love. If my parents wouldnt eccept it I'd be gone in a heartbeat. It would suck but I'd be better off.

 

[Lube]

Then why is it that every older person I come across tells me that staying at home for as long as I can is the best thing I can possibly do?

I would never say that. Learning self-reliance, even if it means a reduced quality of life, is an important lesson.

If I were to move back in with family, I'd be sure to pay rent and do all the errands and yard work. It should be painful, not a ticket to convenience.

 

[jstanthrguy88]

MY god I couldnt stand living at home any longer. I got a place the day I turned 18 and have never looked back. I dont see a point in staying with the rents. Times are tough but when older people say it I think they just mean it makes life easier on us while growing up and going to school close to home. You know hold on to your youth while you can kinda thing.

 

[Blatino]

Then why is it that every older person I come across tells me that staying at home for as long as I can is the best thing I can possibly do?

Things have changed. The economy is dramatically different, it's really hard to get a entry-level job that will take care of cost of living right now. It wasn't like that in the 70's and 80's.

Anyway, ugh, I feel so sad reading this. Nomenclature, you seem like an awesome guy. You don't deserve that.

So True

It is 10x harder when you're trying to go to college and make it alone.

 

[Lube]

Absolutely not. I specifically had my boss when I worked at this banking center tell me that it's advantageous to live at home because it's free.

Anyone who doesn't see the advantage in that doesn't understand simple economics.

And it's advantageous for the grasshopper to fiddle away the summer while the ant lives a less leisurely life storing food for the winter. Until winter comes.

I'd rather live with self respect (and be openly gay) and learn about financial priorities and budgeting and not be a leech and kowtow to my parents, thank you. Many kids who stay at home for long periods of time never learn financial discipline because they've never faced really hard times. It builds character.

There's more to life lessons than dollars and cents.

 

[TX-Beau]

Absolutely not. I specifically had my boss when I worked at this banking center tell me that it's advantageous to live at home because it's free.

Anyone who doesn't see the advantage in that doesn't understand simple economics.

Free? I was on the tractor at 8, and running the combine at 14. If was at home, I always had to work, which I have no problem with. Why should I get a free ride?

My family would never turn me away probably, but they would always expect me to work. Frankly, I myself couldn't live at home without some kind of contribution to the household income.

But maybe that's just me. I can't imagine being told to go sponge off my family because it's good for my personal finances.

 

[Nomenclature]

Curious what ethnicity you are. I ask because you allude to it, and because my friends who come from latino or indian or some asian cultures have WAY different family lives than I did. my experience was more like lube's - wasp family at arm's length.

My family's mostly Indian/Greek.

Then why is it that every older person I come across tells me that staying at home for as long as I can is the best thing I can possibly do?

Things have changed. The economy is dramatically different, it's really hard to get a entry-level job that will take care of cost of living right now. It wasn't like that in the 70's and 80's.

I would never say that. Learning self-reliance, even if it means a reduced quality of life, is an important lesson.

If I were to move back in with family, I'd be sure to pay rent and do all the errands and yard work. It should be painful, not a ticket to convenience.

Absolutely not. I specifically had my boss when I worked at this banking center tell me that it's advantageous to live at home because it's free.

Anyone who doesn't see the advantage in that doesn't understand simple economics.

Thank you so much for deeming this thread valuable enough to bump, but I have to clarify something:


This thread isn't about money, or the economy (as important as those are); This thread is more about having your family's love and support, and being able to fall in love with someone without having to lose everyone and everything else. It's a little embarrassing that this part is going over your heads.

Wanting to have a good family life doesn't mean "I need to mooch off of my parents."

Anyway, ugh, I feel so sad reading this. Nomenclature, you seem like an awesome guy. You don't deserve that.

Thank you. We should totally watch The Indian In The Cupboard sometime.