Just Has To Be Said

[latinheat]

thank you for saying it......its the reason why i pussy out on coming out because i love my family and i know i will lose them if i were to come out......but i rather keep my family than be selfish and want to be happy right?

 

[Lube]

Growing up means standing up for yourself, regardless of what your family thinks.

 

[Nomenclature]

Well, I suppose this might be worthy of an update:


A few nights ago, my mother was stressed out (family and work-related drama, Long story in and of itself) and venting about things a bit. Everything was fine. . .until, out of nowhere, she brought up my sexuality. The entire time, I said nothing; I was honestly just too shocked to respond, even if I had known exactly what to say. It lasted about 10 minutes, but felt like hours; She said everything she felt that she needed to say. It was obviously everything we both had on our minds for quite some time now, but were unable to speak openly about. It just flew out all at once.


Basically, she said she's known I was gay since I was 12, and that she's going to have to accept that I want a boyfriend and will be moving in with a guy at some point. She said she feels cursed not being able to have grandchildren or a daughter-in-law. . .but she said that, at the very least, she wants me to be with someone my own age. She wants me to become a man and be able to support myself; to be smart about everything so I won't have to let anyone control me, or to worry about STDs or being forced into doing anything I don't want to do. The next day - and every other day since - the subject hasn't come up again at all, and things seem okay for the most part.


I still can't even explain how I feel, but i'm unsure of something: Was all of what she said just a moment of anger that I should overlook, or should I take that seriously as a step towards her accepting me?

 

[funfun]

It was obviously everything we both had on our minds for quite some time now, but were unable to speak openly about. It just flew out all at once....but she said that, at the very least, she wants me to be with someone my own age. She wants me to become a man and be able to support myself; to be smart about everything so I won't have to let anyone control me, or to worry about STDs or being forced into doing anything I don't want to do.
The next day - and every other day since - the subject hasn't come up again at all, and things seem okay for the most part.

IMO, that was fortunate for you, and it probably took a lot out of your mother for her to say that. Asian parents usually brood, and let it all out, and are not as casually emotional emotional as non-asian parents.

What she said shows she still cares for and loves you, and this is a step on the path to accepting who you are. Wanting grandchildren can be a very strong part of her psyche, imagining she will grow old surround by grand/great grandchildren and extended family, and not having (maybe?) that would be, I imagine, quite confronting.

Also, have you any sibling/cousins who would be sympathetic to you coming out to them, and then you can still maintain a link with your family through them.

Good luck.

 

[ericwhitney]

take yes for an answer.

 

[Nomenclature]

IMO, that was fortunate for you, and it probably took a lot out of your mother for her to say that. Asian parents usually brood, and let it all out, and are not as casually emotional emotional as non-asian parents.

My family's mostly Indian and Greek, and has an Orthodox religious background. India's in South-East Asia. . .so does that count?

Also, have you any sibling/cousins who would be sympathetic to you coming out to them, and then you can still maintain a link with your family through them.

Honestly, i'm really not sure yet. I'm closest to my mom, but most of the other people in my family are very religious . .or i've long since grown apart from for various other reasons.

\()/

If you have any doubt that she's serious, I think you need to consider the fact that she was so detailed about it. If she was that thorough and really went on for ten minutes, then she's probably telling the truth in that it's something she's seriously thought about for years.

Yeah, I got that impression too. Like someone else said: I also got the impression that it's something that was really hurting her to say, so. . .I don't know.

take yes for an answer.

Don't talk to me like you knowwwwwwwwwwwwww me.

/Rosie Perez

 

[Daddybearsdoit]

I don't want to come off the wrong way here, but it sounds to me like you've had issues with friends not sticking around in your life.

I think it is a great sign that your mom told you what she did while she was angry, because angry people tend to say the things they truly feel, even if they regret it later.

Mostly, I just want to say that, even if it has been your experience so far, I don't think it's the case that friends will walk away 9 times out of 10. Like someone else said earlier, if they can't accept you (note I didn't say approve), they aren't really the type of people you want in your life. Anyone who is willing to just walk away isn't really a friend. I think once you develop some other relationships, with people who know you for who you really are (as opposed to who you pretend to be for your family's sake), you will find that those people can be more of a family to you than your biological family. (even if your family accepts you).

 

[Nomenclature]

I don't want to come off the wrong way here, but it sounds to me like you've had issues with friends not sticking around in your life.

Nah, it's true: Everyone i've known has decided to off to go to school somewhere else, or is on a military base halfway across the world, or is married with children now and has stopped hanging out with friends almost entirely. Besides: Everyone in this state knows that people come FROM Ohio, they don't come TO Ohio.


The point, though is that I just want to have the family I have left to still be a part of my life 10 or 20 years from now, when i'm in my 30s/40s, married and boring, that's all. My family's getting older, now (i'm the youngest) and I just want to be at peace with them from now on; That would make me a lot happier than being alone except for the dude i'm married to, y'know?

Basically, I want my cake and I want to eat it, too. Off of a guy's dick.

Mostly, I just want to say that, even if it has been your experience so far, I don't think it's the case that friends will walk away 9 times out of 10.

Well, If someone is 50 years old and is still best friends with someone they went to high school with, that's considered exceptional. How many friends do you have who've been there all your life?

 

[Daddybearsdoit]

Well, If someone is 50 years old and is still best friends with someone they went to high school with, that's considered exceptional. How many friends do you have who've been there all your life?

2 - who have been there for me anytime I needed them and have given me reason to believe that that always will be the case.

I also think it's important to remember that these 2 friends knew me before I came out and before I really even knew myself. Since then I have made a handful of other friends who I believe will act similarly, though they haven't given me 28 good years of proof yet.

 

[Nomenclature]

Sorry, Nomie...I'm all late to the party.

You're always fashionably late. Women want to be you, and men want to with you.

(wait, what?)

I've read the contents of this thread, and I must start by saying that I am very sorry that things haven't been so easy for you regarding your family and your sexuality.

It really does vary from person to person. Some people have it tough (parents who 'banish' them), some have it easy, and some are kinda in the middle.

I fall somewhere towards the easy side. It was weird for my family when I first came out. My mother was the only person's feelings I was really concerned with though. She's like my sister. So, her opinion mattered a lot to me.
I think she was hurt at first because of the hardships she thought I would face in life.

Yeah. It's pretty much the same for me, too.

Back to your situation--I'm glad your mom had that outburst. I think it cleared the air, and hopefully assured you that you may begin taking the steps to living the life you wish to live one day.

As difficult as it is, i'm glad it happened, too. It's few-and-far between, but every time the subject comes up, it gets bad but then it gets better than it was previously.


My brother already knows, but he's just an ass (and has apparently moved out, anyway). I know it's going to be bad when my father, and my uncle find out. . .and it seems inevitable that they have to know some day.

You can have your cake and eat it too. Just be firm in your stance about who you are...don't be afraid, and be honest. You deserve to love and be loved--and your family is just going to have to understand that it will most likely be a man that gives you that love.

Thanks, bro.


One good thing I can see about all of this, is that it forces me to grow a pair of balls by standing up for myself, asserting my identity and doing a lot of thinking and consideration before I make any important decisions.

-----

Since then I have made a handful of other friends who I believe will act similarly, though they haven't given me 28 good years of proof yet.

Keep us updated.

 

[Lube]

One good thing I can see about all of this, is that it forces me to grow a pair of balls by standing up for myself, asserting my identity and doing a lot of thinking and consideration before I make any important decisions.

Congrats. Seems you've really got your head on straight. You got some great advice on this thread (neon's was particularly beautiful), and you're taking it to heart.