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just my story... 23 never been in relationship

P

peanuts83

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Im 23, nearly 24. Been in a relationship with a chick once for about 10 days in high school. Have slept with a few girls only 2 guys (were friends, and were drunk - they now live in different state and lost all contract). Emotionally i dont feel anything for girls, only guys. I think ive been in love once with one of my friends (one who i slept with). I was about 20 then and this ended really badly. I was heaps suidical and tried to drug overdose.

Sinse then ive never been with anyone

My persona:
I do a lot of weighlifting and am getting pretty big. My interests are the army, war, the police/special forces etc. I try to come across as tough and hard. Im getting into the security industry and want to start of as a bouncer and then get into bodyguarding. So that kind of gives you a picture of the type of person I am.

I will never cry infront of people because I dont want to come across as weak. However, watching like a sad movie or something I will tear (only if im by myself).

I can not physically get myself to say to anyone im gay. Ive had some female friends ask if i was... i dont answer them ,i will just like make a joke or something to change the subject. I dont know why I do this and cant be honest. I guess im scared I will be looked differently upon.

However, on one side I have this real tough image, but my other side, my friends recon im one of the funniest people. Im always cracking jokes. I like musicals and theatre and boy bands and stuff lol.

Theres like 2 completely opposite sides to me.

Ive never kissed anyone who ive had feelings for, and have never been in a real relationship before. Every day im getting older and im just missing out on so much I recon. Dont have any gay friends and dont have the balls to go to gay places by myself. But even then, im scared of getting into a relationship.

There arnt any questions or anything in this post, but I just needed to say all that. If you wanna ask me anything, or just say anything about what i just wrote , please do it.
 
You seem to still be very uncomfortable with your gay side. I think the best way to become comfortable is to meet some gay people and become friends. I did that in college...dunno the best way for older people to. And as the above poster said....your tough guy image does not preclude you from being gay.=)
 
Welcome to JUB, peanut!

If I had to guess (and that's all this is) it's that you don't like yourself as much as you could. You seem concerned that people might not like "the real you", and so you put forth a bit of a mask - a straight-acting guy - when you're out in public. Nothing really wrong with that - we all put our best faces forward, after all - but then again, if you wear the mask too much, or if the mask doesn't fit that well, it can cause issues. You start wondering if people out there like you or the mask. And not just random people you meet, but your best friends. "They all think I'm funny - will they turn and walk away if I try to be serious?"

So if I have a suggestion, it's this. Try to love the guy behind the mask more. Appreciate and love the good things about yourself - your sense of humor, your body - and simply accept the rest. For instance, I'm a Grade A klutz. (Put me in an empty airplane hangar, put ONE object on the floor, and I WILL find a way to trip over it.) I've accepted this about me. I'm not crazy about it, but I don't worry that people won't like me because of it. "Yep, Lex is a klutz." No biggie. Love is unconditional, after all, and if I'm to love me, I love every single part of me - even the klutz.

Being gay isn't even one of those "bad" things. Sure, a couple people might think so, but it's surprising to find how many people really don't care. So embrace being gay, the same way you embrace being funny or muscular or whatever. You don't have to let it rule your life or dictate your actions, but it's an essential part of what makes you you.

Hope this helps some. Feel free to chat more here or via PM if you'd like.

Lex
 
Welcome to JUB Peanuts.

Similar to what others have posted, it would be my guess that you are having some major cognitive dissonance. And not the good kind you learn from, the bad kind you try and OD from.

Your "Imagined Self" (the self you want to be and want others to see) is no where near your "Real Self" (the self you see yourself as actually being). This in itself isn't:
a) rare or,
b) a bad thing
Having an Imagined Self gives us something to strive for. Something we can work towards to better ourselves.

However, it seems as if you have made "gay" and "straight" two mutually exclusive concepts.

For example, you've categorized "liking the army and war" as straight concepts.
Yet you've cateogorized "having feelings only for guys" as gay.
In your mind these two things cannot possibly coexist in one person... but they coexist in you.

So the real question is: what can you do about it?
1. Give up sterotypes. Not all gay guys are flaming whores. Not all gay guys love the theatre or diva singres. Not all gay guys have fag hags who shop with them every day.
2. Broaden the way the think about people and who can "be" or "do" certain things. (This idea is realted to the one above.)
3. Work on accepting yourself and liking yourself. You can be gay AND like police special forces. You can be gay and still thought of as tough guy.
4. Relationships. I would suggest you steer clear of these for a while. Until you like and accept yourself, any relationship you get into will self destruct because you don't like you so you'll think "how can anyone else like me?"

Hope this helps.
 
Many of the responses have touched on things that I think u know r true

You live the life of the traditional str8 guy - but know ur not

Don't worry about the relationship/sex thing - that will come

First u have to get comfortable in ur skin - cuz ur not - this is not unusual trust me

U mentioned trying to kill urself - do u still feel at risk? if so, u need to get therapy - some help - and talk that thru

U need to feel better about being gay - it takes time - some longer than others - but u have to feel it's not only OK but good - it is OK - and it is good - u need to feel that - not gonna feel it tomorrow

I think we all think people will look down on us if/when we tell them - so it's easier to keep it status quo and have them think we're str8 - like them - I think make that I know that to most people, they don't care - it's not a big deal to them - that we make it out to be - so think about that

This seems insurmountable now probably - it's not - u need to feel better about urself - and meeting others like u would be great - try to push urself to get out there - to go where other gays r - and meet them - u will see u r like them - and u will say "wow - that was easy"

hang in

been there

it gets easier

don't be so tough on urself

best of luck
 
I think you need to first make a good gay friend that you can just relax and have fun with and talk to about these things in order to get more comfortable with yourself.
 
hey peanuts, i totally hear where you're coming from, but trust me, your friends will totally accept you and not look at you any differently if you come out to them, especially if they have already have suspicions.. when i came out to my friends about a year ago (im 18 now) i was scared shitless. they mostly just laughed it off and said that they were pretty sure i was even before i told them.
we're kind of in the same boat because im scared of letting everyone in the world know im gay, and the only people i have really told are my close friends. I've only had a couple drunk experiences with guys, but i am too scared to go out looking for guys too... also, there arent really any other gay people i know in my city (small town in canada), so theres not anyone that i can turn to or talk about this stuff with, other than here on the net lol.
never been in a relationship, and never been with a girl...

This isn't really advice.. but i thought that you might like knowing that you're not alone in ur feelings. :)
 
Just a thought on a point I haven't seen anyone else comment on yet:

is it possible that your hyper-masculine aggressive slant (interest in war, army, police special forces, etc) could be subconscious over-compensation for a fear that others will perceive you as gay? Or, even worse, to subconsciously convince yourself that you aren't?

It definitely seems as though you have some internalized homophobia and self-hatred that needs to be dealt with before you can move ahead to become the man you have the potential to be. Seek help - either professional or that of some older gay men who have been where you are and who perhaps can help you get through this thing.

Hang in there, and remember - when life throws you a bunch of lemons, make lemon icebox pie!
 
I agree with a lot of the above responses. One, you really need to meet some other real gay guys--guys you can be open and friendly with, guys you're not interested in pursuing sex or a relationship with. Two, you need to work through the internalized homophobia that causes you lead a split life.

One good option to help on both counts would be to join a coming out support group. PFLAG, an LGBT community center or a gay friendly therapist would all be good starting points for finding one.
 
thanks for the replies.; you are all so right about a lot of things


"is it possible that your hyper-masculine aggressive slant (interest in war, army, police special forces, etc) could be subconscious over-compensation for a fear that others will perceive you as gay? Or, even worse, to subconsciously convince yourself that you aren't?"

i dont think its subconscious.. even ever sinse i was young i have loved those things, wanted to join army sinse i was like 10 years old.
i just love the all the excitment and action of it all.


one thing which i think was good that i did the night i posted this, i msn messaged this chick i use to be friends with, i hadnt talked to her in 6 months. anywho she is a lesbian and whats me to go to da gay bar with her sometime, so i think ill go. (btw she doesnt know im gay)

im in south australia btw
 
Peanut,

you have a side of you that you just cant deal with yet. Pretty normal some matureing will help. Your tough guy image is important to you to protect that image Thats going to be a problem as you get older. you have given some hints and some people have guessed , you are alrmed and you hide from it. You need to be your self w/o fear.

You dont need to be all butch to be gay/bi/str8

my b/f is a husky ex football/wieght lifting jock and he can kick ass anywhere, but he does not act all butch and not fem either he is just himself.

you are confuse at what is the unknown and a afraid of people finding out about you. That only you are going to have to deal with it and it's how you are going todeal with it that is going to make you a better man.
 
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