Frankly, a person can't help who he or she is drawn to. It has to do with certain personality traits that the individual finds attractive. We don't intentionally set out to fall for someone we're sexually incompatible with.
In my own personal experience, the gay men I have known are far too wrapped up in being walking gay stereotypes for me to really find them attractive.
I'm drawn to guys who are masculine, who don't have 47 different skin and hair care products in their medicine cabinets and who don't have a song from 'Wicked' or 'Rent' as their ringtone on their cellphone. I'm more interested in discussing the latest kaiju DVD release than I am in discussing the latest episode of 'American Idol'. I'd rather flood my brain with a good book of philosophical thought than with a haze of Ecstasy or coke. When I think of a Goddess I think of Sekhmet, Oya, or Kali, not Martha Stewart, Kathy Lee Griffin or Paris Hilton.
Understand what I'm saying?
The guys who hold the qualities and interests I am drawn to invariably turn out to be straight. I have never met a gay man yet who does. It's not like I say, "Oh, I'm gonna pick out a hot straight dude to fall for."
It doesn't exactly work that way.
Dude - I know exactly where your coming from, and I agree with most of what you said. I myself am attracted to, I guess you could say, more "masculine" guys, simply because that's -what- I'm attracted to. There's really no rhyme or reason to it - femine men just don't do it for me. I'm attracted to men who are proud of being men and who want to be men - not men who wish they were women.
However.
That's not to say that a masculine man can't enjoy watching American Idol every once in a while or care about what he looks like. I don't think that because a man might like to watch shows like American Idol or might want his hair to look nice every now and then automatically makes him unmasculine. Maybe less masculine than other straight, heterosexual men, sure - but he can still be masculine and enjoy those things (and I'm not saying that's what you were saying - I'm just stating a personal opinion of mine). I'm sorry to hear that you have yet to find a gay man that fits your criteria for both an emotional, mental and physical attraction. That sucks, and I hope things eventually change around for you. I've been having that problem myself, lately.
Truth of that matter is, I really do think that with our obviously similiar attractions, that we'd probably have a harder time finding a gay partner than other gay men with different attractions, simply because their more open to the idea of being attracted to the "stereotypical" gay man (the more femine gay man). I'd give you the same advice I've been trying to give myself - perhaps be a bit more open to the idea of becoming involved with someone not quite as masculine as you currently might like them to be. Go out and meet people, and get to really know them before you come to the conclusion that their too "feminine". That's something I personally do - I tend to close myself off to someone because I think they might be too "feminine" for me, and reject them before I get to really know them because I initially think they don't fit my masculine criteria. I don't know if it's something you do, but just from reading your post and seeing the similarties between you and I, I think it's definatley a possability that you might be subconciously doing it. I always used to, in return, be closed off to trying this out simply because I didn't feel as if I had to change or alter what I'm attracted to to find someone. I felt it was unfair, and that if people could find their perfect "soul mate" based off of all the things they were primarily attracted to, then I should be able to find mine, too. But I soon realized that I wasn't being asked to change or alter anything - just to be more open and patient, and to give myself time to let things happen.
As far as your situation with this Christian guy goes - I think, after knowing about your sexual preference and after talking and spending so much time with you - there could very well be a possability that Christian might already know your attracted to him. If this is the case, and he's still holding strong to his not-interested stance, then I'd say try to become less attracted to him - both physically and emotionally - because it's probably not going to go anywhere. You haven't been pushing anything on him, and you've been nothing but a friend to him - which is good. But still feelings those feelings is doing nothing but hurting you. How do you get over him? I'm sorry, but I don't have any one answer for that. Getting over someone is rough, and - as you stated before - you can't help or control who your attracted to. Perhaps this job move that you were talking about though might be good for you. You'd still remain close, but you wouldn't be seeing him everyday. I think the distance might do you two some good. In the meantime, try keeping yourself busy with work and friends? Go out and have some fun. Try to keep your mind off of him, as hard as it may be.
As far as telling him how you feel goes - while I'm all for being honest and truthful with your feelings, in this situation, I'm really not too sure how much good it would do. If you feel as if you'd be getting something off your chest that you absolutely -need- to get off your chest, then do what you have to do. But he kind of already gave you the answer to the obvious question you'd be asking if you were to tell him how you felt, you know? Perhaps if he hadn't already made it clear that he wasn't into doing anything with other guys or wasn't attracted to guys in general, then I'd say let him know how you feel. I think in this situation, though, he knows that your attracted to him, and by telling you that he wasn't attracted to guys, that was more of less his way of letting you know that he just wants to remain friends. I think that telling him how you felt about him would only make things awkward and weird, unfortunatley. Atleast they would in this particular circumstance. Then again, though - this is your life, and no one can tell you how to handle the relationships you have with people you care about. We can only make suggestions and hope that whatever decision you come to is the right one, both for you and him.
Oh - and you can call whoever you want a "soul mate". That's a term, I beleive, that has many definitions.
Your a lucky person! Your doing the right thing. All you wanted to do was get this off your chest and have somebody say it's okay....but once again the masses attack a guy just asking a simple question.
