Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move On?

[johnnyc77]

Hi all,

So I'm new here, yadda yadda...been lurking for a while, usual story...

Almost 2 months ago, my partner and I of 10 years broke up. He left me so I was the dumped one. After the break up I moved from Connecticut back to Illinois to be close to my family. I needed the distance I suppose and being close to family has helped somewhat although I am still a wreck...better than I was, but still a wreck.

My partner basically told me that the past year has been hard for him and he felt he was pretending a lot and that he kept hoping that things would get better, but they never did for him. We admittedly had issues and I was willing to work through them (couple's counseling, etc.), but he wasn't. My question is, after ten years together, how do you just decide that you want to throw that time and history away and not even TRY to work through the problems? It just makes no sense to me.

Anyhow, I'm trying my best to move on. It's still fresh so it still stings a lot. Any advice on how to pick up and move forward? I'm going to be starting counseling soon...I need it. I'm 30 now and my partner and I basically grew up together. I truly have no idea how to be an adult and be alone. Any help or advice would be appreciated. Hope to hear from some of you soon!

-JC

 

[EvilForce]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

Your story sounds much like mine. My partner of 7 years dumped me. I moved from the west coast to the east coast. We were "together" while I was 21 to 28.

It hurt like a Mo Fo. It took me 2 years to get over it. He was the first and only one I ever loved. I wasn't sure if I could find that again. But after I immersed myself in my job, new friends, new place I ended up finding a guy I enjoyed having sex with. One thing led to another, and soon enough we were dating.

I did have to cut off all communication with my ex for about 18 months or so, just because it hurt too much. But he and I are on good terms and see each other once a year or so and talk on the phone every couple of months.

Good luck. There is no magic cure.

 

[thewiz]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

I can relate to parts of what you are going through although I have a much different twist.

I tried to pretent I was "straight" for most of my life (almost 25years). The last 19 of those years I was married.

The first years of the marriage were okay, even though I suspected I was gay but thought being married would "change me." The last 8 or 10 years saw sex maybe once or twice a year; the last three really were no sex and we pretty much lived separate lives but came together for family and special occasions (we lived in the same house but on different levels).

When I made the decision to come out three years ago this month, I did so with a great deal of fear. I am sure that you have all the doubts and fears -- being alone, not being accepted, how do you meet people, dating, etc, etc. At least those were my fears.

I also moved -- from Michigan to Washington, DC. Although I was all alone, it was probably good because it forced me to make some decisions and I wasn't influenced by past relationships. It was also easier dealing with the ex on the phone from 600 miles away than running into her every day someplace. Heck we even talk once in a while now....

I am sure, because you were the one who was dumped, there is a great deal of sorrow and "what ifs." Counseling is a good idea. You have to first learn to love yourself again before you'll be ready to love others. I know my self-confidence was low and my self esteem even lower. I didn't think I was attractive and was surprised when guys found me so.

Take one day at a time. I would suggest getting into some groups. I kind of did it backwards by going out to the clubs and then getting involved. While it was great meeting guys and built my self esteem, I think I would have been better off had I tried to make inroads with people who were not just looking for a "high" (in many different ways) or "hook-up." That said, I did need confirmation my sex skills and products were good! (wink)

For me, the best thing I ever did was get involved in a gay touch football league that plays on Sundays. I've met dozens of guys and subsequently many, many more dozens through parties, events, special events, etc. Going out at first was extremely lonely and it had been a long time since I had dated!

Use this site as a sounding board; try to make a friend or two that you can share your feelings with. Don't be afraid to cry -- it has to come out at some point. Also, learn to laugh -- sometimes it's almost as good as crying!

Those same friends can at least accompany you to events; not as lovers or boyfriends but just as friends. It makes those events less lonely and at those you might meet that special person.

 

[johnnyc77]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

Thank you both for the thoughtful replies.

I am sorry to hear of both of your situations, but it is good to know that these situations can "repair" themselves....gives one hope!

Sadly, TheWiz, I have moved to a place in Illinois that isn't too "gay populated" so events and groups for me to join are slim to almost none...I am only here for 6 months (I only signed a six month lease) before I have to decide where, if anywhere, I am going to next. Perhaps to Chicago, who knows.

But for now, I am trying to find solice with my family and regrouping as best I can.

I'm still all ears for any other helpful words of wisdom. Thank you again!

-JC

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

Three things.

1. To the best of your ability, try not to hash over how you could have "saved" the relationship, or, worse, how you can STILL save it. If there's a big lesson to be learned, you probably have learned it.

2. Stay busy. Sitting around watching TV or sighing heavily aren't good for the soul. Work on making yourself a better person. Work out. Take some classes. Get some books out of the library. Anything to keep you active, and to help better yourself.

3. Stay social. If you don't know anybody, go FIND some people. Join some gay clubs in your area. Volunteer. Take some classes. Swing by the gay area of town, drop into the coffeeshops and bookstores, and strike up a conversation. You may not make BFFs the first week, but keep at it.

You've got your rest of your life to live. Get on it.

Lex

 

[The Big Shot]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

Where at in Illinois are you? Just because it's not "gay friendly" doesn't mean it can't work. I live in Springfield and things, from what I have seen, are fine.

 

[johnnyc77]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

Where at in Illinois are you? Just because it's not "gay friendly" doesn't mean it can't work. I live in Springfield and things, from what I have seen, are fine.

I'm in Bloomington Normal...Not too far from Springfield! If you don't mind and have a free moment, would you mind PMing me and telling me of your experiences of gay life here in central Illinois? It's just a hard concept for me to grasp here for some reason...

Thank you all again for all the advice so far...Just hearing it from other individuals is a GREAT help. Keep it coming!

-JC

 

[KaraBulut]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

Almost 2 months ago, my partner and I of 10 years broke up. He left me so I was the dumped one.

My partner basically told me that the past year has been hard for him and he felt he was pretending a lot and that he kept hoping that things would get better, but they never did for him. We admittedly had issues and I was willing to work through them (couple's counseling, etc.), but he wasn't.

After 10 years, one has to wonder why the rush to end things and why the lack of interest in couples counseling.

Screw him. Go to counseling for yourself. With a little time and a little luck, you'll realize that you've been freed from a mediocre relationship and that you have the opportunity to find a new and improved you and a new and improved relationship.

Happiness is always the best revenge.

I'm 30 now ...I truly have no idea how to be an adult

Oh, horseshit! Give yourself more credit than that.

You know how to be an adult. What you don't know is how to be a free-standing single person. It's like riding a bicycle.

Mourn. Accept. Move on. Find happiness because you deserve it.

 

[alley]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

Sometimes you know that couples counseling won't work----the sooner a bad relationship ends the better. You'll feel like crap for a while---then you go on with your life.

 

[johnnyc77]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

What you don't know is how to be a free-standing single person.

That's what I meant...Of course I know how to be an adult, just not an idependant one because I have never had to be one through my (so far) adult life.

Some really good thoughts here...This is actually making me feel better you all! I don't know why I never posted here sooner...What a great support group it is here!

-JC

 

[dlm021]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

Yeah, I was actually in a 6 year relationship that ended about a year ago - granted, we were teenagers and young adults, but we grew up together, we were each others' first, and it was definitely first love for both of us. For me, it was important to find the capacity to forgive - I don't know if you're angry or frustrated at all, but I was, and eventually, I just had to let go of it because it was eating me up inside, you know? And for me, it was also important to give myself time to actually be sad. My initial reaction was to go out and have a good time and never even think about it. Every single time I would think about the break-up, I would just shove those thoughts deeper down. But eventually, you will have to deal with it, and maybe you are wiser than I was, maybe you know that already, but grief is a process, and you have to go through it one way or another. Like everyone else has said, it's important to go out and remain social because you can't stay in and feel like a sad bastard all the time, but try to be honest with yourself and let your emotions take their natural course. That helped me, at least.

I hope everything works out for the best! And JUB is always here if you need people to talk to!

 

[bluedragon4]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

On the flip side I can't imagine still being with the bf I had at 19. That would have stifled my growth as a person. It's more sad that you lost your 20's to a relationship when everyone is having fun. I wish you luck. This must be hard.

 

[johnnyc77]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

On the flip side I can't imagine still being with the bf I had at 19. That would have stifled my growth as a person. It's more sad that you lost your 20's to a relationship when everyone is having fun. I wish you luck. This must be hard.

Well....It's not as if I regret the relationship at all. I really loved (and still do love) my partner and that's all that mattered. I never felt as if I were missing out on any fun or anything. But yes, this is extremely difficult and I'm trying to just get by, day by day and do what I can to survive. I can't afford counseling right now, which is really what I need. I'm looking into some insurance options for help. We shall see. I don't know how I am truly ever going to overcome this empty feeling inside. It's like a part of me is missing. Ugh...

-JC

 

[EvilForce]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

Myself? I kept busy. I worked a lot. Volunteered some. I also signed up for a course for a foreign language. Stay busy, active, and always meeting new people.

 

[looseliam]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

I will hurt - for a while.

Nothing you can do about it.

It must run its course.

I find when I long for what was, I remember the awful, retched things he did to me. After the break-up, one tends to remember the good time. Focus on the bad times.

Eventually, you'll be through it wondering where the time has gone.

 

[mac_twck]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

When my marriage of 17 years ended once the numbness went away then came the tears. Of course this was followed by the question why. Then came the self doubt, the loneliness. One day I woke up and had a good day. Then another and another. It has been a couple of years. I do not date, don't want to really, but I have made some really awesome friends. Maybe some day my prince will come but to tell you the truth I like it the way it is now.

Mac

 

[M4P]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

I'm really sorry to read about your breakup. Ten years is a long time to be with someone and I think we'd all hope that if the relationship lasted that long it should be good forever

You seem to have a good grasp on things and I think you've been given some good advice. Stay busy, get out with friends and find some activities you're interested in but didn't have a chance to do when you were a couple

I wouldn't be in too big of a hurry to find a new relationship but it probably wouldn't hurt to date a bit. Some will say the best way to get over one man is to get under another. I'm not recommending this but just knowing others find you attractive will help with your confidence

Finally, this is some advice I was given after a breakup years ago... You never stop loving someone because it happened and was real. In time, find a special place in your heart to park your memories of him and you will be able to move on

Best of luck to you and stay in touch with us. We care

 

[johnnyc77]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

You are all so kind to have posted your thoughts and advice and you have no idea how much it means...Thank you all!

I just got off the phone with him (we needed to talk about some financial stuff) and he mentioned how he has been seeing a lot of "friends" lately, having dinner, hanging out etc...I happend to ask if anyone he was hanging out with was anything romantic or involved and his response was that he didn't want to discuss that and that he didn't feel comfortable talking about it...Well that pretty much answers the question for me and I KNOW, I KNOW that I shouldn't ask dumb questions like that, but I couldn't help myself for some reason. Now I am just sick. HOW can he just pick up and move on after 10 years together?! What was I, just chopped liver? I don't get it at all, and I feel used, angry, cheated, and hopeless...

Sorry to unload, but it feels good to get it out there. Thanks again for listening.

-J

 

[thewiz]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

Everyone deals with the ending of relationships differently. Some mourn the loss; others hide the mourning through self pleasure and "keeping busy" for lack of better words.

Leaving my marriage was different than relationships I have had in the gay world. You had a very long time together from what I have seen.

Don't feel like chopped liver; it may just be your partner is trying to find what he had and doesn't yet realize what he lost. The saying, "the grass is always greener..." Well, sometimes you get there and find that someone has just painted the grass green or sometimes you get there and find that it is over a septic tank!

He may wish he was back on the other side where he knew what the grass really was!

Take one day at a time; you are young and I am sure the right guy will come along for you! And don't be afraid; it is easy for me to say as one who started over at 48....but I have to say that I now probably view life as a journey with many turns and twists. Learn from each; love in each; it makes the journey much lighter and more fun!

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: Just Out of a 10 Year Relationship-How To Move

>>>HOW can he just pick up and move on after 10 years together?! What was I, just chopped liver? I don't get it at all, and I feel used, angry, cheated, and hopeless...

You found out it was over when he dumped you. He knew it was over up to a year before that. So he was probably ready to "move on" before he even said goodbye.

Don't measure yourself by his ruler. Don't worry about him anymore. Go live your own life.

Lex