Just told my gilfriend i was bi

[ruivinho]

(i know many of you probably don't like the ideia of a person engaging in a relationship without telling his/her sexual orientation, i don't think that's primary, and i did, and only now after a year and a half i told her i was bi, i would like to have the guts to tell her earlier though, but please, try to forget that and help me with this.)

i've been telling her that i had something to tell her but i was too afraid that she would end our relationship, though i doubted that, but i was afraid that she was disgusted by the ideia or something.

well i told her, none of the above happened.
just after she was like REALLY, that was it, wow, i never imagined.
and then, OH MY you really think i would break up with you because of that
(i was like, well, not really)
and then she was just like she ever was before.
i was thinking, that was easier than i thought, like it's said
too good to be true
unfortunately it was.

she was always very jealous, not the type you cheated on me bla bla bla,
because she knows i wouldn't cheat on her, but still she is.
she even told me: i'm sorry, i know i have no reason to be like this, i wish i wasn't, i know it's not right, but i am.
SO, one of the 1001 bi clichés came to surface: if i was bi, she had MORE 'reasons' to be jealous, because before i liked 50% , but now she knows i like 100%,
she said: " i know i have no actual reasons to be jealous, but i was afraid you could fall in love with some other girl [now that we're going to college], and now i'm afraid that you fall for some guy"
i try to explain her that wasn't going to do that because i love her
but she said: " well, but you have never experienced anything with a guy, and you will always be wanting it" etc. "you will never be completely fulfilled with me, it is bad for me because i feel i'm not enough and for you 'cause you will always be frustated"
we spoke a little while and she calmed down

now the problem is (well, the other one)
i told her the day before she went on vacations (yesterday), away from here (though inside the country) because i thought it would be better if she felt like she needed some time to reflect on it (the word that i want isn't reflect, but you know), which was wrong for me to assume, because that was probably how i'd be like, but she is not like that and she only calms down after speaking with me for a while. but as soon as she is not speaking with me it starts all over again, we talked on the phone yesterday and she cried, but then she calmed down and she was happy all over again, but right now i have texts in my mobile saying that she was again worried and that she couldn't sleep. and that when i wake up she wants to talk to me.

HELP ME!

 

[tonyboy]

I'm sorry for your problem with your (I suppose ex) g/f man..

But you did the right thing.. No sense in hiding the fact that you are interested in guys.. Best it is out in the open..
Heck, what if you two had gotten married then yoiu fessed up? that would cause divorce and all sorts of legal stuff to go through..

You may love her, and I"m sure you do.. but not in the way a man loves the woman he is to marry..

You are gay.. you like guys.. That is who you are. You are on the right track now.
And I give you much credit to telling your g/f that you do not really want to be married to a woman.

That is a tough thing to do man.. You were brave and did exactly the right thing.
I wish you well.
It will be a bit tough with her for a while.. but better to get it all straightened out before you got married.. and maybe even had children together.

It's tough now man.. but you did the right thing..

 

[ruivinho]

I'm sorry for your problem with your (I suppose ex) g/f man..

But you did the right thing.. No sense in hiding the fact that you are interested in guys.. Best it is out in the open..
Heck, what if you two had gotten married then yoiu fessed up? that would cause divorce and all sorts of legal stuff to go through..

You may love her, and I"m sure you do.. but not in the way a man loves the woman he is to marry..

You are gay.. you like guys.. That is who you are. You are on the right track now.
And I give you much credit to telling your g/f that you do not really want to be married to a woman.

That is a tough thing to do man.. You were brave and did exactly the right thing.
I wish you well.
It will be a bit tough with her for a while.. but better to get it all straightened out before you got married.. and maybe even had children together.

It's tough now man.. but you did the right thing..

No, she hasn't broke up with me and she made it very clear that she doesn't want to. She is afraid i would broke up with her...

"You may love her, and I"m sure you do.. but not in the way a man loves the woman he is to marry.."

Well, i know i'm still young, but i feel like i love her in the way that i want to stay with her for the rest of my life, having children with her, etc, i don't know if i'll feel like this forever but

i like both guys and girls though, not only guys, it was a funny story though, i only discovered i was bi when i fell in love with her, and felt sexually atracted by her.

anyways, we will keep our relationship, she is not mad with me or anything, she is just very insecure about the fact that i have never experienced anything with a guy

 

[Female]

Nothing but problems come from jealous people, and now the threat to your girlfriend has doubled so I guess it's understandable for a jealous person to fly off the wall at the news. But makes me confused to hear about women who get uncomfortable with their men being attracted to men just because If I was her I would probably become aroused at the thought of my boyfriend lusting after guys (I'm very much into that sort of thing) and asked if I could watch.

Just out of curiosity, would a bi guy like yourself find it hot having your girlfriend watch you with a guy or would that be weird?

 

[Krakenbwool]

*sigh* Women...

Well, you're honest about yourself, so she could at least give you credit for that. You're the better man for that.

As I've said time and time before, I still don't fathom why women have such a thing against bi men. Me, personally, I fancy bisexual dudes because that's just one more thing that we have in common (how awesome is it to go to a bar and pick up a guy that we both like?). Yeah, I'm like the reverse straight guy.

I really hope that she comes to accept you and this works out for you in the end. It's a shame that society can't get the fact that bisexuals have the capacity be faithful and loving people, too. Cheaters are cheaters, period. There are many bisexual men who are completely faithful, and there are many heterosexual men who are dogging pussyhounds.

 

[ruivinho]

Nothing but problems come from jealous people, and now the threat to your girlfriend has doubled so I guess it's understandable for a jealous person to fly off the wall at the news. But makes me confused to hear about women who get uncomfortable with their men being attracted to men just because If I was her I would probably become aroused at the thought of my boyfriend lusting after guys (I'm very much into that sort of thing) and asked if I could watch.

Just out of curiosity, would a bi guy like yourself find it hot having your girlfriend watch you with a guy or would that be weird?

Before she knew i was actually bi, she told me she would like to see me with a guy, but i guess one thing is imagining and other is reality.

As for your question, i bet many bi guys would love, and i think i've read a few post in here that prove, that many bi guys like that, and have done that already.
As for myself, i like only like men on men, men on women or girl sharing, but of course, this kinda stuff changes all the time so in a year maybe i'll like, i dunno.

She's confused now, we talked again and we will talk again within an hour.
She now says her idea of my malehood has changed, i have to admit i understand her on that point, but i'm hoping she gets over it.

Everybody, thank you for the feedback, i really need some help!

 

[Ryuukie]

I told a woman I was dating and I never saw her again. Guess she couldn't handle it.

 

[Nomenclature]

i have to admit i understand her on that point, but i'm hoping she gets over it.

Think of it this way:

When you first realized you were bisexual, it took awhile before you finally accepted it and were comfortable enough to tell others, right?

Well, the "I'm gay/bisexual" thing is usually going to be huge news for someone to handle. This is all brand new to her. Even though it'll be in her own way, you have to be fair and expect her to go through the same stages of denial, depression, grief, insecurity etc etc that we all went through before we came to terms with our sexuality.



The scary part is: Will she be willing to stay with you and work this out, or will she bail before that can happen?



The only advice I can offer is this: You're going to have to be the strong one to guide her through this. Keep reminding her that she satisfies you, because you're in love with HER and want to stay faithful to her; You were faithful to her all this time before you came out to her, and the only difference is that she now KNOWS you're bi.

 

[neditesjamais]

Not exactly advice, but another point of view to consider.

Being "interested in," "attracted to," and even "lusting after" someone is not the same as . . . well, anything else you might do. As for me, I will admit to all of those about lots and lots of people--an everchanging list. It just doesn't happen to be sorted by gender or sexual identification.

At the same time, if I'm attracted to someONE, then that's going to narrow my actions down to that ONE at that time. In my view, monogamy and fidelity have nothing to do with sexual identification. Can you explain that to her? Would it help you to convince her that she may still be jealous, but not necessarily "twice as jealous"?

Probably most important is to keep talking. And listening. Relationships are the hardest work most of us ever do.

 

[ruivinho]

At the same time, if I'm attracted to someONE, then that's going to narrow my actions down to that ONE at that time. In my view, monogamy and fidelity have nothing to do with sexual identification. Can you explain that to her? Would it help you to convince her that she may still be jealous, but not necessarily "twice as jealous"?

Probably most important is to keep talking. And listening. Relationships are the hardest work most of us ever do.

I tried to explain her that it wasn't necessarily twice, but she still thinks that.
I'm not mad at her though, i'm sad because i know this has to do with her insecurity (she is insecure in many ways of herself, of her abilities, of her value, etc.), and this insecurity can be harmful not only for our relationship, but for her whole life.

And yes, talking seems to be the solution

Think of it this way:

When you first realized you were bisexual, it took awhile before you finally accepted it and were comfortable enough to tell others, right?

Well, the "I'm gay/bisexual" thing is usually going to be huge news for someone to handle. This is all brand new to her. Even though it'll be in her own way, you have to be fair and expect her to go through the same stages of denial, depression, grief, insecurity etc etc that we all went through before we came to terms with our sexuality.


The scary part is: Will she be willing to stay with you and work this out, or will she bail before that can happen?



The only advice I can offer is this: You're going to have to be the strong one to guide her through this. Keep reminding her that she satisfies you, because you're in love with HER and want to stay faithful to her; You were faithful to her all this time before you came out to her, and the only difference is that she now KNOWS you're bi.

I think you're right and i respect the fact that she has take time to feel comfortable with it (she only slept 3 hours last night because of that)

ANYWAY,
i talked to her (over the phone) for two hours, all she said regarding this matter was something like: " i don't know why i've made it so complicated. i love you, you love me and that's enough. you're not a totally different person because of that, though you're bi, when you're with me you are with me" which means she rationally understands that being bi doesn't mean i have to cheat on her, but still, she is afraid, like she used to be before she knew, that i find someone better than her.


now everything seems ok, we talked about a lot of different things, just like we used to, but let's see how she feels tomorrow, but it seems things are going in the right way, but it's still too early

again, thanks everyone!

 

[Aratron]

Espero que tudo corra bem

 

[Nomenclature]

still, she is afraid, like she used to be before she knew, that i find someone better than her.

So, she's just being a typical female. She'll be fine.

now everything seems ok, we talked about a lot of different things, just like we used to, but let's see how she feels tomorrow, but it seems things are going in the right way, but it's still too early

again, thanks everyone!

Just take it a day at a time.



Glad we could help, and keep us updated if anything new happens!

 

[AlmondMilk]

But makes me confused to hear about women who get uncomfortable with their men being attracted to men just because If I was her I would probably become aroused at the thought of my boyfriend lusting after guys (I'm very much into that sort of thing) and asked if I could watch.

Haha, I would've been aroused to if I were a female Just your partner being true would be a big arousal.

 

[Raistanelf]

Heya,

Sorry if this has already been covered by someone else in an earlier post , i skimmed through, but didnt see anything that leapt out .

Just wondering if some of the concern from your gf is because it's confusing to distinguish between gay and bi...

Maybe there's a concern that you're just using her as a beard, because you're actually gay, but you thought that bi would be more acceptable... I'm just musing out loud here, so, I mean no offense - I am bi myself, and I've had this discussion with other people.
Also there's the whole 'Why'd you wait over a year to tell me...is this something you've just realised...'

Sorry again if this has already been covered by an earlier post.

Have you talked about taking a break if she's confused ? Sometimes distance can give you clarity...

 

[evanrick]

"after being with you for a while, ive decided that i prefer men, sorry"