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just venting, airing out, talking shit, personal beefs, problems, anger management, and etc thread
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I decided to remind my fellow Americans that it's called the "criminal justice system" because it's run by mostly criminals who persecute honest people in criminal fashion.
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A new "sustainable" house is being built nearby.
They began by chopping down a 100 foot tree.
Which I really liked.
They began by chopping down a 100 foot tree.
Which I really liked.
R
refujiunderground
Guest
IT IRKS THE SHIT OUT OF ME THAT I JUST CAN'T GET MYSELF TO FUCKING CRY!!!! DAMNIT!!!! i haven't cried in years. i don't know HOW i managed to shut that part off inside of me where i basically bottled up my sadness and just was like "i'll never cry anymore". i get envious whenever i see grown people breaking down and crying because i myself can't do it. DAMNIT!! i'm so tired of my eyes feeling watery and holding on to the feeling of feeling like shit and depressed WHERE my body and my mind is commanding me to cry BUT i just hold back because i don't want to be seen as weak to the people around me or to myself. i would love to do nothing but to hug my pillow and ball my eyes out right now. there's a HUGE block which prevents me from just doing that.
ChickenGuy
Likes cock.
^ 
I remember my early crushes. I remember only crying once a year about each of them corresponding to my school terms age 12 to 16.
Then came the biggest crush I ever had on my best friend when I was 17. And I cried on a twice-weekly basis for over two years.
It just seemed to be a 'necessary' release as I was a bundle of pent-up emotions that I only ever released late at night on my own.
Refuji, it's obviously your 'culture' (for want of a better word) or your 'upbringing' that has given you this (to my mind) unneccessary obligation to 'act tough' and 'be a man' but human psychology simply doesn't work like that.
What is it that is causing you to be so upset?
I know I sound like a broken record but all these phases DO pass with time.
Wish I could teleport through the computer screen to give you a hug. This will have to do.
I remember my early crushes. I remember only crying once a year about each of them corresponding to my school terms age 12 to 16.
Then came the biggest crush I ever had on my best friend when I was 17. And I cried on a twice-weekly basis for over two years.
It just seemed to be a 'necessary' release as I was a bundle of pent-up emotions that I only ever released late at night on my own.
Refuji, it's obviously your 'culture' (for want of a better word) or your 'upbringing' that has given you this (to my mind) unneccessary obligation to 'act tough' and 'be a man' but human psychology simply doesn't work like that.
What is it that is causing you to be so upset?
I know I sound like a broken record but all these phases DO pass with time.
Wish I could teleport through the computer screen to give you a hug. This will have to do.
R
refujiunderground
Guest
^
I remember my early crushes. I remember only crying once a year about each of them corresponding to my school terms age 12 to 16.
Then came the biggest crush I ever had on my best friend when I was 17. And I cried on a twice-weekly basis for over two years.
It just seemed to be a 'necessary' release as I was a bundle of pent-up emotions that I only ever released late at night on my own.
Refuji, it's obviously your 'culture' (for want of a better word) or your 'upbringing' that has given you this (to my mind) unneccessary obligation to 'act tough' and 'be a man' but human psychology simply doesn't work like that.
What is it that is causing you to be so upset?
I know I sound like a broken record but all these phases DO pass with time.
Wish I could teleport through the computer screen to give you a hug. This will have to do.
thanks, man.
it was the cool thing to not wear your heart on your sleeve. anything seen outside calmness and anger was deemed to people at the time at least around my way as weak growing up. if someone smiled or cried, then they were seen as not being tough and i wanted to be the tough guy that made people afraid of me where they had to give me respect. 
i didn't want to get picked on and i wanted to have everybody who was cool like me so that's how i went about it. learned that around the time i was 12.as for why i'm upset, i don't even know to tell you the truth. the crazy thing is that i've been experiencing this since i was 12, not counting any bad things such as asswhoopings, deaths, or whatever. until i decided to put a clamp on the waterworks at 14, i would break down and cry sometimes over things that weren't even tear worthy such as graduations. can't believe i cried at my bro's jr high graduation and my own. i should have been
.
R
refujiunderground
Guest
why don't you speak out your thoughts and record it for later use? use vocaroo.com
R
refujiunderground
Guest
If you think you're having a bad day, just picture a T-Rex trying to masturbate.
what???????????????
R
refujiunderground
Guest
but anyways, speaking of a thread. i think that a part of the reason why i'm a bit screwed up to a degree where i have a problem dealing with people and my emotions. when i look back at the past with my interactions with people, i am still bothered by it especially the bad ones that left some scars that still haven't really healed up mentally.
you know a part of it may be nature because i THINK that i MIGHT be a little autistic. i dunno BUT i do know that i had some problems developmental problems as a kid where i was slow. i didn't talk until i was 5. i learned how to walk late. i pretty much didn't learn or pick up on things normally where i could adjust easily which would later affect me socially. when i interacted with the kids in preschool which was when i was 3, i couldn't talk or communicate with them so i pretty much was a loner. when they would try to touch the toys that i was playing with, i would smack them. the preschool teachers saw this and told my mom that i had some issues and they wouldn't allow me to go back there until it was sorted out.
so after all that, the psychologist at the time said that i had a developmental delay but i dunno about anything else besides that. i get sent to special ed for speech therapy to learn how to talk. at the same time, i would get bussed to kindergarten where i got a chance to interact with my peers. that didn't go down well at all. the other kids hated me. you know, the thing that bothers me when i talk about this such as when i tell my mother this and even the shrink that i went to earlier this year was to GET over it. yet they don't see the connection between what i'm about to say and what it pertains to NOW. but anyways, in kindergarten, i had to deal with bullies and some of the things they did to me to this day i haven't gotten over because i don't understand what i could have done to them for them to do those fucked up things to me. it actually angers me a great deal. for example, there was this kid and his friends who didn't like me that approached me in the playground. he asks me to open my hand where he stabbed me with a pencil. he really stabbed my hand deep enough where the pencil point is stuck in my hand. then there was another incident where we had recess in the basement and one kid thought it would be cool to shove me from behind for whatever reason. he was much bigger and stronger than i was. anyways, dude shoved me so damn hard that i flew some distance on the ground face first where i lost both of my two front teeth. this happened in front of everybody. the other kids saw it. the teachers saw it and i remember some of the kids laughing at me. the only person that came to help me was another kid who had to be my age that took me to the bathroom to help clean out the blood out my mouth. some adults actually participated in it too. another time, a kid snatched my bookbag suddenly when he was about to go home when his mother's car had just pulled up, he ran to the car with my shit and they drove off with my shit. the next day, my bookbag was back but there were some things missing in it. that's some of the things that i remember BUT i still don't forget it because those kids made my life hell for no reason. the thing that bothers me about that was we were like 5 year olds. eventually, i moved on to a different school where it was much better BUT i didn't make any friends over there though.
then i had to deal with the same bullshit from other kids on the block that i lived that would give me a hard fucking time for NO reason because they didn't like me. they did some nasty things to me (one girl got my brother to hold me down while she spat a huge blob of spit in my face. i had some issues with other neighbor and her boyfriend pulls a knife out on me) and the adults would join in on that shit too. you know, it just bothers me about the certain things like as i said about the whole kindergarten thing where they just would do really fucked up things because they didn't like me and i don't know WHAT i did to them for them to hate me so much. i would continue to go through the same thing until i got tired of it where i was tired of people trying to fight me, beat me up and etc where i just started to form a hate and distrust for people over my past social experiences. i also had a thing to where i got paranoid too where i felt better to be safe than sorry where i felt that i should hurt anybody that i deemed to be a threat to my safety before they hurt me as i've experienced in the past. it's that i just don't want to be hurt again like that and i probably will hurt somebody IF someone ever tries to do something like what THOSE people did back to me. never again so if anybody is stupid enough to hurt their hands on me, i'm liable to do something fucked up to them and they deserve it too. you better keep your hands to yourself if you want to live if you deal with me.
so yeah, i pretty much am on my p's and q's because of all that shit. some people tell me that i should grow up and let go BUT every single time i try to do that, someone basically has to be like the same cunt that fucking did me dirty back in the day. there's times where i get really heated whenever i feel someone is trying to bully me or trying to belittle me even if it's not like that.
i'm trying to become a better person BUT @ the same time, i don't know. i hope one day to put all those feelings and hostilities past me BUT i simply can't because someone has to basically do something that replays those memories.
you know a part of it may be nature because i THINK that i MIGHT be a little autistic. i dunno BUT i do know that i had some problems developmental problems as a kid where i was slow. i didn't talk until i was 5. i learned how to walk late. i pretty much didn't learn or pick up on things normally where i could adjust easily which would later affect me socially. when i interacted with the kids in preschool which was when i was 3, i couldn't talk or communicate with them so i pretty much was a loner. when they would try to touch the toys that i was playing with, i would smack them. the preschool teachers saw this and told my mom that i had some issues and they wouldn't allow me to go back there until it was sorted out.
so after all that, the psychologist at the time said that i had a developmental delay but i dunno about anything else besides that. i get sent to special ed for speech therapy to learn how to talk. at the same time, i would get bussed to kindergarten where i got a chance to interact with my peers. that didn't go down well at all. the other kids hated me. you know, the thing that bothers me when i talk about this such as when i tell my mother this and even the shrink that i went to earlier this year was to GET over it. yet they don't see the connection between what i'm about to say and what it pertains to NOW. but anyways, in kindergarten, i had to deal with bullies and some of the things they did to me to this day i haven't gotten over because i don't understand what i could have done to them for them to do those fucked up things to me. it actually angers me a great deal. for example, there was this kid and his friends who didn't like me that approached me in the playground. he asks me to open my hand where he stabbed me with a pencil. he really stabbed my hand deep enough where the pencil point is stuck in my hand. then there was another incident where we had recess in the basement and one kid thought it would be cool to shove me from behind for whatever reason. he was much bigger and stronger than i was. anyways, dude shoved me so damn hard that i flew some distance on the ground face first where i lost both of my two front teeth. this happened in front of everybody. the other kids saw it. the teachers saw it and i remember some of the kids laughing at me. the only person that came to help me was another kid who had to be my age that took me to the bathroom to help clean out the blood out my mouth. some adults actually participated in it too. another time, a kid snatched my bookbag suddenly when he was about to go home when his mother's car had just pulled up, he ran to the car with my shit and they drove off with my shit. the next day, my bookbag was back but there were some things missing in it. that's some of the things that i remember BUT i still don't forget it because those kids made my life hell for no reason. the thing that bothers me about that was we were like 5 year olds. eventually, i moved on to a different school where it was much better BUT i didn't make any friends over there though.
then i had to deal with the same bullshit from other kids on the block that i lived that would give me a hard fucking time for NO reason because they didn't like me. they did some nasty things to me (one girl got my brother to hold me down while she spat a huge blob of spit in my face. i had some issues with other neighbor and her boyfriend pulls a knife out on me) and the adults would join in on that shit too. you know, it just bothers me about the certain things like as i said about the whole kindergarten thing where they just would do really fucked up things because they didn't like me and i don't know WHAT i did to them for them to hate me so much. i would continue to go through the same thing until i got tired of it where i was tired of people trying to fight me, beat me up and etc where i just started to form a hate and distrust for people over my past social experiences. i also had a thing to where i got paranoid too where i felt better to be safe than sorry where i felt that i should hurt anybody that i deemed to be a threat to my safety before they hurt me as i've experienced in the past. it's that i just don't want to be hurt again like that and i probably will hurt somebody IF someone ever tries to do something like what THOSE people did back to me. never again so if anybody is stupid enough to hurt their hands on me, i'm liable to do something fucked up to them and they deserve it too. you better keep your hands to yourself if you want to live if you deal with me.
so yeah, i pretty much am on my p's and q's because of all that shit. some people tell me that i should grow up and let go BUT every single time i try to do that, someone basically has to be like the same cunt that fucking did me dirty back in the day. there's times where i get really heated whenever i feel someone is trying to bully me or trying to belittle me even if it's not like that.
i'm trying to become a better person BUT @ the same time, i don't know. i hope one day to put all those feelings and hostilities past me BUT i simply can't because someone has to basically do something that replays those memories.
R
refujiunderground
Guest
if you ask me, "they" sound awfully familar. their english isn't all that good. hint hint.
how did you get rid of the fear of getting hurt by others where you can let your guard down where you can be you and not care or worry about what others might think about you or what they might do?
i would like to live a paranoid free life.
A
Anders123
Guest
I almost self-deleted when I got home this afternoon.
What the fucking fuck, Anders.
Pull yourself together.
What the fucking fuck, Anders.
Pull yourself together.
I only read the original post.. you came off emotionally disturbed. A tortured human being, not necessarily gay, just wounded.
My best friend, MORE, my one and only BROTHER who is not a brother by blood, is introverted and emotionally--different.
Maybe he would fall under the domain of Asperberger's Symdrom, but times change. I think for the better.
He loves me in his own way.
My emotions are WILD and a constant struggle to constrain. He is a very different human being. His struggles are his own, just as mine are my own.
Still, 14 years later we live together, not as lovers, but as brothers. I love my brother, and he loves me.
I'm not sure why this came out, except that it's true. Many people in some inexplicable way HURT me just to be aroung, but never my brother.
He loves me as he can, and honestly saved my life when I did not want to live in the toxic horrible world. He invited me to share his home and life, and I lived rather than ending my life (as I FELT this shitty world was not worth living in).
This whole post is so weird... sorry, I'm sure it misses the mark.
I LOVE MY BROTHER, who loves differently than I do. Always in life REALITY with all its uncertainty, trumps my understanding.
My understanding must accomodate. REAILTY is a bitch. The bitch is what it is. As messed up as the bitch is, I CHOOSE REALITY over delusion every time.
There is hope. You are lovable. To know Despair is to know limits which are not actually a part of our culture... LIVE and LOVE as you are able.
You bro
JOHN
My best friend, MORE, my one and only BROTHER who is not a brother by blood, is introverted and emotionally--different.
Maybe he would fall under the domain of Asperberger's Symdrom, but times change. I think for the better.
He loves me in his own way.
My emotions are WILD and a constant struggle to constrain. He is a very different human being. His struggles are his own, just as mine are my own.
Still, 14 years later we live together, not as lovers, but as brothers. I love my brother, and he loves me.
I'm not sure why this came out, except that it's true. Many people in some inexplicable way HURT me just to be aroung, but never my brother.
He loves me as he can, and honestly saved my life when I did not want to live in the toxic horrible world. He invited me to share his home and life, and I lived rather than ending my life (as I FELT this shitty world was not worth living in).
This whole post is so weird... sorry, I'm sure it misses the mark.
I LOVE MY BROTHER, who loves differently than I do. Always in life REALITY with all its uncertainty, trumps my understanding.
My understanding must accomodate. REAILTY is a bitch. The bitch is what it is. As messed up as the bitch is, I CHOOSE REALITY over delusion every time.
There is hope. You are lovable. To know Despair is to know limits which are not actually a part of our culture... LIVE and LOVE as you are able.
You bro
JOHN
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2005
- Posts
- 43,808
- Reaction score
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- 0
Randy Andy, the penalty for self deleting is
6 months cohabitation with Telstar of JUB...
thus making that act a 'Pearl of Great Price.
Strap on a pair of bollocks mate, this is one
of the few places left on earth for adults to
dabble in adult stuff and chitter like they
are 10 yrs old and peeking into peoples
private closets.
**What could possibly possess you that
could make you forfeit this this domain of
wit, love, humour, bad jokes and worse
pictures
lol, good to see you posting
6 months cohabitation with Telstar of JUB...
thus making that act a 'Pearl of Great Price.
Strap on a pair of bollocks mate, this is one
of the few places left on earth for adults to
dabble in adult stuff and chitter like they
are 10 yrs old and peeking into peoples
private closets.
**What could possibly possess you that
could make you forfeit this this domain of
wit, love, humour, bad jokes and worse
pictures
lol, good to see you posting
Yeah I a loser posting on my own post... but to be honest.
I'm leaving him.
Over the years he has not 'tried' to grow and change, and I can't help but change.
Wallow in the shallows and you will most likely be outgrown, to the point where it is painful to those who share LIFE with you.
My brother is lost in his own head now. He was not always. He was surprising, amazing with strange perspectives which made me struggle and fumble to the point of --we agree to disagree--.... no longer. For years my rationality crushes (gently, as I still love him) the ever more delusion, fuzzy, thoughts he chooses to share--fewer thoughts. Is it my fault his thinking is aberant and can not be supported rationally?
I suck there. I demand reality. I lived as an atheist for 25 years, only in the past year did it become impossible to maintain that belief. I grew best as an atheist, but looking back I KNOW I changed the words and actions, the amazing changes in my heart where so far beyond me....
The INFERNO of HATE for myself and then later sick-twisted Chirstianity/Culture -- an unpleasant warmth
The ACIDIC corruption of BITTERNESS -- a tart taste
The EXPLOTION of HATE -- a mild pop
HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN.
I DID NOT DO THAT. I Changed my words and actions KNOWNING I did not want to perpetuate this filth, but never even thought to change myself so deeply.
I changed. I did what I could, and changed so much more.
I do not believe in the tiny gods/God of others imaginations, but can not deny the existance of the ONE.
A perfect song which joins the song of my being when I struggled so hard NOT to harm others with the filth within me. Only decades later looking back and when flooded with the song of the ONE did I perceive the ONE. Only now can I perceive while understanding who and what I am -- JUST ONLY JOHN
The more secure I am in my humanity the more the ONE is able to sing with the song that I am.
When I was younger, if I felt what I feel now.... I would imagine holy orders, crazy bullshit. I would not be the self-directed, fumbling, struggling human being that I am. I would be a fool. The ONE does not direct or order in any way. The ONE is not an objective.
The ONE aids us and there is no thanks. We are soooo small. There is no thanks. If we long to say thanks-- love the CREATION -- the loving ONE needs NOTHING from us except to grow. The ONE does NOT SPEAK IN LANGUAGE EVER!!!!!!!
Why are we here? We are here to grow, and so few do in our culture.
I'm leaving him.
Over the years he has not 'tried' to grow and change, and I can't help but change.
Wallow in the shallows and you will most likely be outgrown, to the point where it is painful to those who share LIFE with you.
My brother is lost in his own head now. He was not always. He was surprising, amazing with strange perspectives which made me struggle and fumble to the point of --we agree to disagree--.... no longer. For years my rationality crushes (gently, as I still love him) the ever more delusion, fuzzy, thoughts he chooses to share--fewer thoughts. Is it my fault his thinking is aberant and can not be supported rationally?
I suck there. I demand reality. I lived as an atheist for 25 years, only in the past year did it become impossible to maintain that belief. I grew best as an atheist, but looking back I KNOW I changed the words and actions, the amazing changes in my heart where so far beyond me....
The INFERNO of HATE for myself and then later sick-twisted Chirstianity/Culture -- an unpleasant warmth
The ACIDIC corruption of BITTERNESS -- a tart taste
The EXPLOTION of HATE -- a mild pop
HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN.
I DID NOT DO THAT. I Changed my words and actions KNOWNING I did not want to perpetuate this filth, but never even thought to change myself so deeply.
I changed. I did what I could, and changed so much more.
I do not believe in the tiny gods/God of others imaginations, but can not deny the existance of the ONE.
A perfect song which joins the song of my being when I struggled so hard NOT to harm others with the filth within me. Only decades later looking back and when flooded with the song of the ONE did I perceive the ONE. Only now can I perceive while understanding who and what I am -- JUST ONLY JOHN
The more secure I am in my humanity the more the ONE is able to sing with the song that I am.
When I was younger, if I felt what I feel now.... I would imagine holy orders, crazy bullshit. I would not be the self-directed, fumbling, struggling human being that I am. I would be a fool. The ONE does not direct or order in any way. The ONE is not an objective.
The ONE aids us and there is no thanks. We are soooo small. There is no thanks. If we long to say thanks-- love the CREATION -- the loving ONE needs NOTHING from us except to grow. The ONE does NOT SPEAK IN LANGUAGE EVER!!!!!!!
Why are we here? We are here to grow, and so few do in our culture.
Umm... drunk. I'll never let go of the dude, but will move out after the holidays.
I love him too much to let go like that. Did that long ago a few times, regretted it each and every. Never with my brother. I'll always love him, and don't know if he'll be better alone, but know I can't keep this up. It's hard enough to be me in this world, much less trying to prop him up when he seems not enthusiastic about anything (unless I am--ugg).
peace, love (or least a lil sincere affection), and no drugs 'cept weed on the weekends!
john
I love him too much to let go like that. Did that long ago a few times, regretted it each and every. Never with my brother. I'll always love him, and don't know if he'll be better alone, but know I can't keep this up. It's hard enough to be me in this world, much less trying to prop him up when he seems not enthusiastic about anything (unless I am--ugg).
peace, love (or least a lil sincere affection), and no drugs 'cept weed on the weekends!
john
R
refujiunderground
Guest
thought you was going to say that it's nails are so sharp that it might cut it's own dick off if it wrapped his hand around it.
silly me. but why the fuck do i have this song in my head???
i can't get that stupid young jeezy ad-lib out my head. " a quarter million". OH GOD!!
AND WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS FUCKING FLASH PLAYER!!!!! man, FUCKING FLASH PLAYER, WORK DAMNIT WORK!!! keeps on telling me to install. DAMNIT, about to make me burn my damn tacos in the oven. FUCK!
R
refujiunderground
Guest
i hate when i feel depressed because then i get upset, then i get angry and then i start having thoughts of taking out my anger on certain people by doing terrible things to them because i think that they deserve it. i've been trying REALLY hard to bottle up and ignore these feelings BUT it's been hard. the more thoughts i have regarding certain things or people, i just get angrier and angrier. i don't know why i feel like this right now but yo.... i'm trying to stay cool and calm EVEN though i'm far from it. it sucks that the things that i want to do to get this anger out of me i can't do because i'll get in trouble and i don't want to get in fucking problems. either way, i end up losing regardless of whatever the fuck i do. either way, i am just down and raging. trying to jerk off or whatever and my father came home. i don't want to talk to him either because i want to be left alone.
HolyEggRolly
On the Prowl
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- Nov 19, 2012
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I hate when men have an ass that feels like wet bread!!
R
refujiunderground
Guest
someone who can't afford one. you got robbed? sorry to hear that.
and i fucking bit my tounge trying to eat tacos. FUCK!!!
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