just venting, airing out, talking shit, personal beefs, problems, anger management, and etc thread

[refujiunderground]

I was there for work. My brother works in NYC despite living in CT and hung out with him after he got off work. I guess reading comprehension is a skill lost on people my age.

my fault, dude. i didn't really read through what you put. only saw the part where you said you were in nyc.

 

[Kulindahr]

Amusement, not a gripe:

I'm doing volunteer conservation work for the county parks department. Recently I asked if I could use power equipment (chain saw, brush cutter, chipper) for dealing with a certain problem.

The parks director sent back this brief message:


DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL.

 

[jdcnow]

I just need to vent, and say my piece here, and let the chips fall where they may. But I do need to say what I feel, right now.

I have been in a deep mental anguish over whether to have surgery on my right foot or not, even though I need it done. I am terrified that they have to completely put me down to do this procedure. Frankly, if they have to put me down for this, I can't help but feel that I'd just rather be put down for good.

I'm tired of the recurring nightmares I've had, where I've been executed and given lethal injection for being gay. Sometimes this nightmare has repeated itself several times in one sleep session/night. I'm tired of wondering what it's going to be like when they stick the IV line in my arm, and put the mask over my face. It's all I've thought about since Thursday. I'm tired of my mind running away from me, like some macabre runaway roller coaster that absolutely refuses to stop. I've tried everything from porn to meditation to both at the same time - nothing works. Nothing.

I just can't take it anymore.

I've thought about finally coming out to my mom. But I'm absolutely terrified of what she'd say. Fundamentalist Christian who has always kind of been embarrassed by me, because I'm not just like my older brother.

I'm tired of living in the damn closet. I'm tired of living under fear of the political anti-gay bomb-throwers in society at large, and the people around me I'm forced to have dealings with. I'm tired of having to hide who I am, as a human being, to the point where I refuse to let anyone get to know me, because they might find me out, and everything I've busted my ass for in the last two years here, suddenly is all for nothing. I'm tired of having to hide who I am to the point that I am 30 years old and have never - not once - even so much as went out on a date with anyone before in my life. And I'm too scared to even approach someone I don't know in a non-work, non-store environment, and start talking to them.

I wouldn't wish this on even the person who molested me so many years ago.

I don't want to do this anymore. I wish I never knew what fear was. Now, it runs almost every aspect of my life, and every move and decision I make.

If I have to be put down for this surgery, I'd just rather be put down for good.

I know that this may be quite difficult to read - for that I sincerely apologize. But this is what's in my head, and in my heart, right now. And I just want it all to just stop.

 

[pat grimshaw]

^

JCD, I was going through similar terrors two months ago. Why did they insist on a general anaesthetic for such a small operation? I had heard of people going through psychosis after general anaesthetic!

Anyway, the operation went smoothly and I realised most of those who told me those horror stories were druggies. So I needn't have worried.

 

[jdcnow]

Thank you, Pat. I'm actually wondering that myself, and believe me, I will ask. We do keep ladies who have C-sections done awake for that procedure (unless the situation evolves into a medical emergency, of course). So I will ask if just my right leg can be numbed or do they have to completely put me down for this. I seriously thank you for the encouragement.

 

[mikey3000]

I just need to vent, and say my piece here, and let the chips fall where they may. But I do need to say what I feel, right now.

I have been in a deep mental anguish over whether to have surgery on my right foot or not, even though I need it done. I am terrified that they have to completely put me down to do this procedure. Frankly, if they have to put me down for this, I can't help but feel that I'd just rather be put down for good.

I'm tired of the recurring nightmares I've had, where I've been executed and given lethal injection for being gay. Sometimes this nightmare has repeated itself several times in one sleep session/night. I'm tired of wondering what it's going to be like when they stick the IV line in my arm, and put the mask over my face. It's all I've thought about since Thursday. I'm tired of my mind running away from me, like some macabre runaway roller coaster that absolutely refuses to stop. I've tried everything from porn to meditation to both at the same time - nothing works. Nothing.

I just can't take it anymore.

I've thought about finally coming out to my mom. But I'm absolutely terrified of what she'd say. Fundamentalist Christian who has always kind of been embarrassed by me, because I'm not just like my older brother.

I'm tired of living in the damn closet. I'm tired of living under fear of the political anti-gay bomb-throwers in society at large, and the people around me I'm forced to have dealings with. I'm tired of having to hide who I am, as a human being, to the point where I refuse to let anyone get to know me, because they might find me out, and everything I've busted my ass for in the last two years here, suddenly is all for nothing. I'm tired of having to hide who I am to the point that I am 30 years old and have never - not once - even so much as went out on a date with anyone before in my life. And I'm too scared to even approach someone I don't know in a non-work, non-store environment, and start talking to them.

I wouldn't wish this on even the person who molested me so many years ago.

I don't want to do this anymore. I wish I never knew what fear was. Now, it runs almost every aspect of my life, and every move and decision I make.

If I have to be put down for this surgery, I'd just rather be put down for good.

I know that this may be quite difficult to read - for that I sincerely apologize. But this is what's in my head, and in my heart, right now. And I just want it all to just stop.

Maybe it's your fear of death that is making you face your demons? Firstly, don't sweat the anesthetic. I've been knocked out for less, and I prefer it. Secondly, maybe you contemplating your coming out is a good thing. I've seen the effects of remaining in the closet has on a man, and it is so destructive for many guys. But use caution. For who's benefit do you want to come out for, yours or your Mom's? Just think about it, because once you do, there is no going back into the closet, so make sure you are ready for it.

Best of luck!

 

[jdcnow]

Maybe it's your fear of death that is making you face your demons? Firstly, don't sweat the anesthetic. I've been knocked out for less, and I prefer it. Secondly, maybe you contemplating your coming out is a good thing. I've seen the effects of remaining in the closet has on a man, and it is so destructive for many guys. But use caution. For who's benefit do you want to come out for, yours or your Mom's? Just think about it, because once you do, there is no going back into the closet, so make sure you are ready for it.

Best of luck!

Yeah, I'm working on it. I have Michaelangelo Signorile's book, "Outing Yourself" and am reading it.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

I just need to vent, and say my piece here, and let the chips fall where they may. But I do need to say what I feel, right now.

I have been in a deep mental anguish over whether to have surgery on my right foot or not, even though I need it done. I am terrified that they have to completely put me down to do this procedure. Frankly, if they have to put me down for this, I can't help but feel that I'd just rather be put down for good.

I'm tired of the recurring nightmares I've had, where I've been executed and given lethal injection for being gay. Sometimes this nightmare has repeated itself several times in one sleep session/night. I'm tired of wondering what it's going to be like when they stick the IV line in my arm, and put the mask over my face. It's all I've thought about since Thursday. I'm tired of my mind running away from me, like some macabre runaway roller coaster that absolutely refuses to stop. I've tried everything from porn to meditation to both at the same time - nothing works. Nothing.

I just can't take it anymore.

I've thought about finally coming out to my mom. But I'm absolutely terrified of what she'd say. Fundamentalist Christian who has always kind of been embarrassed by me, because I'm not just like my older brother.

I'm tired of living in the damn closet. I'm tired of living under fear of the political anti-gay bomb-throwers in society at large, and the people around me I'm forced to have dealings with. I'm tired of having to hide who I am, as a human being, to the point where I refuse to let anyone get to know me, because they might find me out, and everything I've busted my ass for in the last two years here, suddenly is all for nothing. I'm tired of having to hide who I am to the point that I am 30 years old and have never - not once - even so much as went out on a date with anyone before in my life. And I'm too scared to even approach someone I don't know in a non-work, non-store environment, and start talking to them.

I wouldn't wish this on even the person who molested me so many years ago.

I don't want to do this anymore. I wish I never knew what fear was. Now, it runs almost every aspect of my life, and every move and decision I make.

If I have to be put down for this surgery, I'd just rather be put down for good.

I know that this may be quite difficult to read - for that I sincerely apologize. But this is what's in my head, and in my heart, right now. And I just want it all to just stop.

You're obviously over worked, over stressed, over extended, and seriously exhausted. Throw on top of that the stress of being in the closet and the anxiety of an operation - I'm amazed you've made it this far on that kind of schedule burning at both ends.

I'm not telling you how to live, but it sure seems like you need some kind of 180-360° life change, for your own good. You're wearing yourself out mentally AND physically on your current path. Take a break. Try something new. Step back and reevaluate, or look at it from a different angle.

What you're working for and how hard you're doing it to get there is fucking amazing and admirable, but what good will it do you to kill yourself on the way?

 

[jdcnow]

^ Thank you, Borg. I needed that.

 

[travis82]

I remember it was way back in 1999, I was then seventeen when I first had access to the internet.

And through the internet, inevitably...I discovered pornography.

It was great and exciting to see images after images of beautiful hot, attractive naked young men gracing my computer screen.

However, it soon became an addiction. I would soon began to spent hours after hours in front of my computer, simply surfing, viewing more and more gay pornography.

What have I become?

Sometimes I wish I haven't discovered pornography. My life would probably have been much better.

I don't really think porn is all that bad. But when it gets to the point where I literally spent the whole day and night, surfing and watching porn, I think I need help.


And that being said, I am now deciding to quit watching porn for good.. It's hard to quit an addiction. I have tried unsuccessfully in the past to quit watching porn...only to be lure by the temptation again.


But I don't want to be consumed by the world of pornography anymore....Porn is like a fantasy...It doesn't help or improve anything in my life....

Sure it does help to relive sexual tension building up in my body but I think a healthier alternative will be to go to the bathroom and jerk off.


I really hope that this time round, I will be able to successfully overcome and quit my addiction to pornography.

 

[rareboy]

I just need to vent, and say my piece here, and let the chips fall where they may. But I do need to say what I feel, right now.

I have been in a deep mental anguish over whether to have surgery on my right foot or not, even though I need it done. I am terrified that they have to completely put me down to do this procedure. Frankly, if they have to put me down for this, I can't help but feel that I'd just rather be put down for good.

I'm tired of the recurring nightmares I've had, where I've been executed and given lethal injection for being gay. Sometimes this nightmare has repeated itself several times in one sleep session/night. I'm tired of wondering what it's going to be like when they stick the IV line in my arm, and put the mask over my face. It's all I've thought about since Thursday. I'm tired of my mind running away from me, like some macabre runaway roller coaster that absolutely refuses to stop. I've tried everything from porn to meditation to both at the same time - nothing works. Nothing.

I just can't take it anymore.

I've thought about finally coming out to my mom. But I'm absolutely terrified of what she'd say. Fundamentalist Christian who has always kind of been embarrassed by me, because I'm not just like my older brother.

I'm tired of living in the damn closet. I'm tired of living under fear of the political anti-gay bomb-throwers in society at large, and the people around me I'm forced to have dealings with. I'm tired of having to hide who I am, as a human being, to the point where I refuse to let anyone get to know me, because they might find me out, and everything I've busted my ass for in the last two years here, suddenly is all for nothing. I'm tired of having to hide who I am to the point that I am 30 years old and have never - not once - even so much as went out on a date with anyone before in my life. And I'm too scared to even approach someone I don't know in a non-work, non-store environment, and start talking to them.

I wouldn't wish this on even the person who molested me so many years ago.

I don't want to do this anymore. I wish I never knew what fear was. Now, it runs almost every aspect of my life, and every move and decision I make.

If I have to be put down for this surgery, I'd just rather be put down for good.

I know that this may be quite difficult to read - for that I sincerely apologize. But this is what's in my head, and in my heart, right now. And I just want it all to just stop.

To be blunt...I think it is about time that you seek out a good, qualified, homo or homo friendly therapist.

Your fear of anaesthesia and connecting it extermination because you like cock needs some serious attention....and no one on this site is going to be able to help you through it.

 

[jdcnow]

To be blunt...I think it is about time that you seek out a good, qualified, homo or homo friendly therapist.

Your fear of anaesthesia and connecting it extermination because you like cock needs some serious attention....and no one on this site is going to be able to help you through it.

Thanks. I'm already seeing a therapist at my college. In fact, I have an appointment with her tomorrow morning, before my algebra final. I think I'm going to email her in advance tonight, so she knows what I've been through since last week.

 

[dereperez]

I remember it was way back in 1999, I was then seventeen when I first had access to the internet.

And through the internet, inevitably...I discovered pornography.

It was great and exciting to see images after images of beautiful hot, attractive naked young men gracing my computer screen.

However, it soon became an addiction. I would soon began to spent hours after hours in front of my computer, simply surfing, viewing more and more gay pornography.

What have I become?

Sometimes I wish I haven't discovered pornography. My life would probably have been much better.

I don't really think porn is all that bad. But when it gets to the point where I literally spent the whole day and night, surfing and watching porn, I think I need help.


And that being said, I am now deciding to quit watching porn for good.. It's hard to quit an addiction. I have tried unsuccessfully in the past to quit watching porn...only to be lure by the temptation again.


But I don't want to be consumed by the world of pornography anymore....Porn is like a fantasy...It doesn't help or improve anything in my life....

Sure it does help to relive sexual tension building up in my body but I think a healthier alternative will be to go to the bathroom and jerk off.


I really hope that this time round, I will be able to successfully overcome and quit my addiction to pornography.

Good luck, Travis. Sounds like you have the right idea and I hope you can do it.

 

[Kulindahr]

^

JCD, I was going through similar terrors two months ago. Why did they insist on a general anaesthetic for such a small operation? I had heard of people going through psychosis after general anaesthetic!

Anyway, the operation went smoothly and I realised most of those who told me those horror stories were druggies. So I needn't have worried.

I've been through two operations under general A. One, I asked when it was going to start -- they'd put me under, and I woke up still waiting for some feeling of passing out. The other, I woke up not remembering anything, literally -- didn't even recognize my name. That lasted all of about two hours as things came back in dribbles and chunks.

I've also been through two with local, and I confess I didn't like either of them -- both times, it felt like someone had stolen part of my body and there was a terror I wouldn't get it back!

The thing is, fears are fears. GA is little different than ordinary sleep: you zonk, stuff happens while you're checked out, you come back -- story over. It's a matter of how each person reacts -- and as a patient, you have the right to insist on local if the procedure can be done that way -- you can even, as a guy I knew in college did, insist on reading a novel he was tackling while the team did its thing.

 

[Kulindahr]

Yeah, I'm working on it. I have Michaelangelo Signorile's book, "Outing Yourself" and am reading it.

Another helpful book is Coming Out: An Act of Love, by Rob Eichberg. I found it a little weak at times, but the theme is powerful, and it did help me a lot.

 

[Nishin]

I just need to vent, and say my piece here, and let the chips fall where they may. But I do need to say what I feel, right now.

I have been in a deep mental anguish over whether to have surgery on my right foot or not, even though I need it done. I am terrified that they have to completely put me down to do this procedure. Frankly, if they have to put me down for this, I can't help but feel that I'd just rather be put down for good.

I'm tired of the recurring nightmares I've had, where I've been executed and given lethal injection for being gay. Sometimes this nightmare has repeated itself several times in one sleep session/night. I'm tired of wondering what it's going to be like when they stick the IV line in my arm, and put the mask over my face. It's all I've thought about since Thursday. I'm tired of my mind running away from me, like some macabre runaway roller coaster that absolutely refuses to stop. I've tried everything from porn to meditation to both at the same time - nothing works. Nothing.

Think of it as just passing out after drinking too much ... ?

 

[maxpowr9]

I went to visit the bar I used to do the books/manage on weekends/tend bar for and it's amazing how much the place collapsed. I basically left him a list of recommendations and he did none of them which is why the business is failing again. The bartender I suggested be promoted to manager to fill my spot wasn't and things got worse. I'm just shocked he didn't quit.

I will say, it felt good to be wanted back.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

^ Thank you, Borg. I needed that.

You're a great guy... smart, funny, amazing work ethic, responsible, dedicated,... I could go on -

I've read a lot of your posts and realize what your job, home, school, living situation is like. I'm proud and amazed at what you're doing o follow your dreams and better your life - but like I said, you're pushing yourself way too Damn hard to get there. Mentally and physically. You were in the hospital not too long ago for chest pains, and now for your foot.

Consider these as HUGE "check engine" light warnings.

Your engine is about to blow if you don't slow down, add/change oil, get tune up/serviced,... and all those other cheesy car analogies.

You're awesome... but please don't kill yourself on your road to becoming more awesome.

 

[mikey3000]

Sometimes I have so many people around me, yet I feel so alone. Does that make sense? I was raised surrounded by women, no men at all. Now, later in life, married with daughters and a sick mother surrounding me 24/7, I still feel the same. Now I have an aunt who is a recent empty nester and wants to hang out with me. ARGHHHHHHH !!!!! I really crave male affection and companionship but my guy lives out of town. I am lost in a sea of estrogen. Help!!!

 

[silentalk]

Sometimes I have so many people around me, yet I feel so alone. Does that make sense? I was raised surrounded by women, no men at all. Now, later in life, married with daughters and a sick mother surrounding me 24/7, I still feel the same. Now I have an aunt who is a recent empty nester and wants to hang out with me. ARGHHHHHHH !!!!! I really crave male affection and companionship but my guy lives out of town. I am lost in a sea of estrogen. Help!!!

Actually it makes sense. I feel the same way, except that I'm surrounded by males most of the time.