Just venting... Another cheater... Another breakup

[redips]

This is really just a post for me to vent... I'm so down right now. And almost all of my friends are straight, and I can't really get myself to open up to them and talk freely about my relationship problems.

Anyway, over the past few months I've posted a few times; almost all of them are related to my now ex-boyfriend of five months. It started out as a one-night stand, and at the time, I really wasn't sure about a relationship with him. I thought he might be a bit immature; he loves to party, get drunk, and is quite materialistic. (Maybe you remember my post about me being angry at him for getting shitfaced drunk and not calling me...)

Nevertheless, after we hung out a few more times, we really started falling for each other. We are both VERY affectionate, and we have incredible chemistry. We cuddle constantly, and I can hold him throughout the night, every time we spend the night together. When he falls asleep with his head on my chest, my arms around him, I feel like the world is just perfect. I can't get over that.

Things seem so good. He always wants my attention, and he always tells me how perfect I am for him. Even though we've been together for only 5 months, it seems so much longer. We have so many memories. We've been to so many places together. So many little things now remind me of him.

Then, alas, I found out that he's been chatting with guys on grindr, posting and responding to ads on craigslist. He swears that nothing has happened (and I actually do believe it--just because we spend so much time together). But to me, the thought is more offensive than the deed, so in the end it really doesn't matter. I consider it cheating, and Infidelity is a deal-breaker for me.

I thought he was different. I've been cheated on by almost every ex now, and I'm so sick of it. And the thing is, I'm ALWAYS open for sex with him. No matter how tired I am, I'd always entertain sex, even if I don't get off myself. And I'm always open to try new things, spice things up. And throughout our relationship, I've never stopped working out, keeping fit, making myself attractive.

Of course, he comes up with numerous reasons for his digressions. He begged me to just try to let us work it out, and I did try for a bit, but I couldn't.

I do love him more than any other boyfriend I've ever had. He is the first person I ever even considered marrying, and I know he felt the same way. I'm just so disappointed, hurt, and frustrated. I can't even get myself to hate him because I love him so much.

And I just don't understand why--because he was so into me when we first started... He said it, I felt it, and I know the chemistry was not fake... Our relationship started at the physical level, and then we bonded emotionally. And now, the emotional part is still so strong, which makes it so hard for me to let go...

 

[redips]

-Lastly (I'm not going to yap on forever), did you enjoy your time with him? Did he make you happy?
If so, then look back on those times fondly. Life is full of present moments that build to something more. You had 5 hopefully great months and IMO you are better off for it

Thank you, Lucky. I appreciate your thoughts.

I had an incredible time with him. He made me VERY happy. For the past 2-3 months, we spent almost every day together, and I enjoyed our time tremendously. And this is making it so much harder...

We didn't even fight--with my previous ex's, I could think about our fights and convince myself that he wasn't right for me, and it helps me move on. With him, I feel like I've lost the one and only--I know this is not true, since we haven't been together long enough to know--but I can't help feeling that way. I can't help thinking that if he were a faithful person, or if I could somehow tolerate this digression, that I would've found the guy.

I guess I haven't figured out how to grieve. I don't know whether I should think about the good times, all the intimate moments, all the cute little things we did, re-read our emails, text messages... or, whether I should try to be angry, hate him for what he did, throwing away everything that reminds me of him... I haven't figured that out yet...

 

[Telstra]

How about an open relationship .............. so you don't get jealous when he sleep with someone.

 

[Telstra]

There is no should or shouldn't of grieving. This is the time to just let yourself "feel". It's going to be really really tough but you will get everything out eventually.

I wouldn't go over text messages or obsess over anything though. It's really about letting things go at this point. "if" this, "if" that.. don't really apply. Don't beat yourself up or try to figure out situations where it might have worked out.

If possible, go out with friends or spend time with family so you're not alone. Or maybe alone time is what you need. You know what's best. Just don't let too many negative thoughts fester.

2 becomes one in a relationship is a myth.
Each person has a mind of their own so they are independent from each other.

Relationship is about how well you are getting along with each other and still have freedom.

 

[Scottyboi]

wait...sorry but did you say in your other post you've only been dating for 2 months?

Sorry, if you could clear up how long you had both been together in a relationship (as in had a talk about being mutually exclusive), how long you dated (how long before talking about being exclusive) and how long u knew each other before dating would help clarify some things.

cuz if you really had only been dating for two months and yet you wrote all that, you might have been taking things a bit fast and a bit overly serious =x

 

[bma1983]

How about an open relationship .............. so you don't get jealous when he sleep with someone.

Not everyone is inclined to open relationships. I know I'm not. Anf if I were to lie to my boyfriend and say that I am then I would get jealous everytime he slept with someone. Jealous, hurt, and angry.

 

[redips]

wait...sorry but did you say in your other post you've only been dating for 2 months?

Sorry, if you could clear up how long you had both been together in a relationship (as in had a talk about being mutually exclusive), how long you dated (how long before talking about being exclusive) and how long u knew each other before dating would help clarify some things.

cuz if you really had only been dating for two months and yet you wrote all that, you might have been taking things a bit fast and a bit overly serious =x

We've been together for 5 months. We've become boyfriends for about 2 months.

 

[Scottyboi]

ah, sorry then. I agree with Lucky7.

I think the main thing is that he's not over his "been there, done that" phase yet.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely over it myself (though I'm certainly almost there).

Its just a thing with guys; we're young and attractive and just want to feel wanted by everyone. Even when emotionally there only 1 person we want to be with

 

[redips]

Its just a thing with guys; we're young and attractive and just want to feel wanted by everyone. Even when emotionally there only 1 person we want to be with

I think you're right, Scotty. He did come out at a very early age, though, and had at least 10+ years of sowing his wild oats, so I just thought he was different...

I guess I'm glad that I found out now, rather than later, especially since I didn't even try to find out. I trusted him, but he betrayed me. Though, I had my instincts, and I guess I am glad that they've mostly been right...

Anyway, now I need some sappy, sad, breakup songs to help me grieve... The ones on my playlist are getting old... Any suggestions? =)

 

[pixie77]

I think you made the right decision, it sounded like it was going to end in tears latter on so better now...good luck

 

[makeurowndstny]

Need You Now- Lady Antebellum
So What- P!nk
Before He Cheats- Carrie Underwood
I Don't Wanna Be in Love- Good Charlotte
Take A Bow- Rihanna

Enjoy! Try to stick with songs that cheer ya up though

 

[Seasoned]

Sorry for your pain. My wish for you is that you continue to grow through you experiences at not that you meet a life-mate in the next six months. I dint want that to be cold but I think you're too quick to fall in love, which leads to overlooking characteristics that are deal breakers for you.

Relax. Be yourself. Don't compromise to have a boyfriend.

 

[redips]

So it's been a few weeks since I've broken up with my ex, and unfortunately, things haven't been getting better for me. In fact, I feel like things are almost getting worse. I know this is silly, so I'm sorry for the rant--I know we haven't been together that long, and I know plenty of others have had to deal with the loss of much longer relationships. But, I really haven't been feeling so well. I've been in longer relationships before, but this one really hurts more. I tend to get better throughout the day, but mornings really suck--I just can't get him out of my head. I really miss waking up to him. And this really sucks because it just pretty much ruins my entire day. I feel like something is stuck in my heart, and I can't get it out.


I don't feel like venting and getting all emotional in front of my friends... So, I went to see a counselor. I thought it'd be a nice way to vent, and I thought maybe she could give me some advice. I guess above all, I wanted her to help me get over him. I described everything to her, and I tried to be honest about my feelings.


But, alas, things got even more complicated after I spoke with her. Before this, I've pretty much decided it was over, and that I just wanted to move on. But having talked to her, I'm having all these second thoughts. She didn't exactly suggest that I try to work things out with my ex, but from her line of questioning, I could sense that she thought it was a possibility. She asked if I thought I was being risk-averse, and what I thought he did that was unforgivable. She asked me if I thought he loved me, if I love him, and we talked at length about love vs. infatuation and all that.


And so at the end of the day, I can't help but think, is she suggesting that I'm giving up too easily; that there's a possibility of true love with him, and that I am being too risk-averse to forgive him? Am I being unreasonable?


The thing I can't get over is that I thought there really was a level of love between us. He always wanted to spend time with me, and always wanted my affection (and so did I). We always had a good time together, and we were happy. It wasn't just physical lust. I know we haven't been together long enough to know that we'd become perfect lifelong partners, but I think it was more than infatuation. In the end, we really bonded closer and closer, and that's why this is hurting so much. When we broke up, he bawled so hard that he threw up; he pleaded, he begged, and I was completely heartbroken.


BUT, the thing is, it wasn't the first time he tried to pull this on me. He had done this before--and I had forgiven him before, because I somehow forced myself to believe in his excuses. I have not given my other past ex's a second chance, but I love him more, so I did. And he just took it for granted and tried to pull it off again. So, it just seems preposterous for me to fall for this one more time. I can believe that he never executed his plans to hook-up, but his plans were not one-time, and his chatting on these multiple hook-up avenues were quite extensive. And all this happened so soon in the relationship, while things were going so well. I can't imagine what would happen if we ever get into a serious fight, 10 years down the road, when sex becomes more routine. So I don't think I can trust him again, at least not in the near future.


So I guess the problem is that I cannot reconcile the last two paragraphs: if he really love me and didn't want to lose me, why did he do what he did, again and again?


Well, maybe I know the answer:
We did love each other, and we were happy. He did love me, but he is a sl*t, and he can't help it or control himself. I cannot trust him any more, given his multiple missteps. So this is another example of Love is not enough. It is just unfortunate and sad.


I guess I wanted to seek this confirmation from my counselor, but I didn't get it from her.


So guys, honestly, please tell me, am I right?

 

[Puzuzzu]

I totally agree with you, and yes the thought is a deal breaker for me too... It hurts now, but you'll eventually get over it
you need another gay friend that understand to help you out <3

 

[KaraBulut]

I thought he might be a bit immature; he loves to party, get drunk, and is quite materialistic.

In situations like this, the answer isn't always black and white.

You may love each other. But love isn't enough to make a bad relationship good.

You went into a relationship with someone you knew was very needy and quite flawed. And it didn't work out- no surprise there.

You're at a point where you've decided that your values and your self-respect are more important than the love of a narcisstic, immature, cheating ex-boyfriend.

And you're wanting to go back to him?

 

[TX-Beau]

Wait a minute, so he didn't actually cheat on you, you just thought he was going to?

His "betrayal," was posting on grindr? I guarantee you that the "thought," is NOT worse than the action, and if we are going to prosecute for thought crimes you'll never have a non-cheating boyfriend because every guy is going to see some hot guy and think sex. It's just the nature of the beast.

Ok so we don't know anything about his side of this, all we have is yours, so it's pointless to talk about what he did or didn't do or why he did what he did.

You however jumped in way too soon, and over committed, and probably freaked him out a bit.

If you're looking to be "right," that's a problem. Your story is contradictory on several levels which makes me think that what actually happened and what you think happened are not the same thing.

 

[redips]

Wait a minute, so he didn't actually cheat on you, you just thought he was going to?

His "betrayal," was posting on grindr? I guarantee you that the "thought," is NOT worse than the action, and if we are going to prosecute for thought crimes you'll never have a non-cheating boyfriend because every guy is going to see some hot guy and think sex. It's just the nature of the beast.

Well--to my knowledge, he didn't do anything physically with anyone (and I'll never know). But, he did post to craigslist and text/chat with guys on Grindr. So, I think it was more than just a passing thought. He definitely had an intention of hooking up with guys behind my back.

Now, he claimed that it was just chatting, texting, and that he would never have gone through with it anyway. But, I don't know that. Maybe he just didn't find a guy who was hot enough. Who knows?

So, I don't know... I mean, he did admit that what he did was completely wrong, so it's not that we have some misunderstanding about where we were in the relationship. Also, as I said, this wasn't the first time. I was willing to give him a second chance, and he did promise that it wouldn't happen again. So, he did betray my trust.

Also, I think the worst part was the lying and the deception. Really... if he'd come to me one day and told me that he got drunk one night and found himself in another guy's bed the next morning, I could probably forgive him. That would be an unfortunate mistake, but if he was being honest about it, I think I could tolerate it.

So... I really don't know. Is the thought worse than the action? I really think that it is.

Am I wrong to believe that? And am I being unreasonable? (These are honest questions.) Maybe I am, and that's why I've been entertaining thoughts about working things out with him. So I'm still lost. What would you guys do, if you were in my shoes?

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

if you're still this hung up on him after you feel you've been hurt, then it doesn't seem like it would be a waste of time to try again. Of course, you would have to take it very slow. You've lost trust in him, he needs to regain that trust. And you would have to let him be aware of that. If he does this shit again, thennnnn you can dump his ass on the curb so the garbage truck can pick up the trash.

I'm curious as to his actions after this though. Is he trying to win you back? does he call or text you? Is HE making any effort? Cuz if he's not, then you probably WOULDN'T want to try again.

 

[redips]

I'm curious as to his actions after this though. Is he trying to win you back? does he call or text you? Is HE making any effort? Cuz if he's not, then you probably WOULDN'T want to try again.

Well, he did email me a few times after we broke up. (I considered just filtering him out, but I didn't have the heart to ignore him.) He came short of asking me to forgive him, but he did say he was sorry, and he was thinking about me a lot, and how tough it has been for him.

I guess I'm just really bad at this. I don't know what he's really thinking. On one hand, I thought he's just being lonely and sad (which is certainly true, I think); but on the other hand, I thought maybe he really is sorry this time and hopes that we can work this out (though he didn't go so far as spell this out).

My emotional side wants me to take him back--I felt like we had something going, even though we haven't been together that long. But my rational side tells me this is a bad idea--he blew a second chance, and I'm inclined to think that he's who he is, and he'll probably do it again, sooner or later.

 

[redips]

Lying and deception is cheating. That is the act that breaks trust. It's not just a thought.

You went into a relationship with someone you knew was very needy and quite flawed. And it didn't work out- no surprise there.

You're at a point where you've decided that your values and your self-respect are more important than the love of a narcisstic, immature, cheating ex-boyfriend.

And you're wanting to go back to him?

Relax. Be yourself. Don't compromise to have a boyfriend.

I think you made the right decision, it sounded like it was going to end in tears latter on so better now...good luck

Thank you, everyone!!

I've been reading and re-reading your suggestions. You have no idea how much your succinct insight helps me remain logical and rational throughout this whole ordeal.

I was actually silly enough to entertain the idea of forgiving him and taking him back, and I think I was ALMOST about to do so. And then, luckily, I realize again that he's just full of lies and deceit. He's just so fake. Sadly, I still have very strong feelings for him; there's this knot in me that I can't seem to unravel.

But, thanks to all of you again, I've been able to remain at least partially sane and see things for what they really are.

Thank you again. I really appreciate your thoughts.