Karledice - Archived Blog Posts

[karledice]

What a great way to start a new blog. I feel my life is a series of hardship and sadness. How positive!

I called C today because he hasn't called me back since last night when I was closing. We talked for a bit, mostly about weekend plans and it was a little bit akward but nothing more than the usual. So C wanted to call me again cause he was drilling stuff or doing whatever with his new apartment.

He called me @ 11:30 and it was a long pause and in C's style "I don't know if it's the right time to do this..." I'm like OK here we go but whatever, I was strong.

So he told me he thought that I was excited to see him and told him I missed him and he didn't feel the same...there's not a possibility to be in a relationship and he's interested in someone...ouch! I mean wow...not like I didn't expect it but you know once it hits you it still hurts. I have feelings for him, I like him.

I felt lost, sad, hurt and empty. We had sex last week, why would you wanna have sex with me and tell me that?

So I asked him what I'm missing. He hesitated to say but he did at the end. Only "70%" attracted to me and can't see me in the future with him. Fair enough. He asked if I wanted to cancel the hang out we suppose to have. I said no, it was fine. It hurts but I have to be strong. I'm gonna see him and help him get some stuff from Ikea this weekend.


I have rejected people before. It hurts. I know. But I told them before I slept and had sex with them too...It's 2:30am, I'm awake and writting this blog. I'll apply for jobs now...work at 6:30am...fun...

 

[karledice]

Here's the daily dose of randomness

I was walking to class today and some promotions people just handed me this new Coke drink. I'm like, OK cool, I'll try...Coke Blak, with the ~ like in jalapeno as you can see in the pic. Yeah go figure...Basically it's coffee flavoured coke and it tastes like sh!it, yuck. I gave it to my friend after a sip. No wonder they give it for free. Who would pay for that crap...Anyone had this before?

I met two friends (gay couple) on the way too. Haven't seen them in ages, maybe since March cause I'm not that close with them...We caught up a little bit, talked about school, classes, summer, work etc. It was fun...and they were saying goobye to each other with a kiss on the lips, in front of everyone. How cute...

When's my turn?

 

[karledice]

So I moved into dorm since September. I live with 5 other guys. I know 2 of them. Everything is great, we get along well and respect each other.

So I have this roomie Adam. He's tall (6'4" ish), fit, dirty blond, blue eyes (I think), hairy (yum), fucking nice ass. He's pretty hot. I woulnd't mind bang the hell out of him.

Anyways, my gaydar went off the day we met. He's metro, he's tidy and clean, he's artistic, he likes soap operas, chick flicks. Of course those factors don't mean that he's gay but he just gives me the vibe.

Guess what, he has a girlfriend. YEAH...I never see that girl around, well maybe once since September. Makes me wonder...I mean the lisp, his conversations. He must be at least BI...Then again my gaydar is pretty terrible.

He is kinda awkward around me. I don't know if he senses anything but the conversation is always awkward between the two of us. It's like OK what should I say next...It's not like that at all when others are around...

Damn, he's a cock tease. And I saw him naked once haha... you should have seen the way he was eating the burrito today. He held it both hands and shoved it right deeply into his mouth, and bit a huge chunk...SO HOT lol...Let your imagination go wild

That girl he's dating is FUG though. Ew Adam, you can do SOOO much better if you come to this side of the fence (me hint hint).

Maybe I should show him the REAL Eva...

 

[karledice]

I've never been so depressed. Yes, alot of it is boys problems, the old story of someone you like not liking you back. But moreso is social circle/friends problem. Family and health isn't on par either. I seriously feel I've been doomed with all of this. I wish that I could have someone else's life for one day.

I've tried to stay strong and focused and keep the "life is what you make of it" attitude, yet I'm here rambling on how depressed I am. I started smoking again, first cigarette since December. I feel so lonely...

A month ago, I was disgusted when I heard about people comitting suicide. Why you would end your life while millions want yours, even for one day. People in poverty, hunger, war...Now I don't know. Feelings are feeling, I don't have control over them.

Charlie doesn't want to be in a relationship, which is fine. My self confidence about my looks is going down the drain. I'm hurt and tired of being turned down. I've turned people down, I've been on that side of the fence before, but I've been nice and straight forward with it. I'm so sad

Haven't talked to parents for a month already!! I don't know what's going on. They have their own issues to figure out I guess. They've never been concerned about my real feelings...for 20 years...I don't think mom ever asked me how I really feel inside. Going to college, I was never homesick, well maybe a little at the beginning of first year. Maybe cause I don't really have a home to be sick of.

What bothers me is my social life. I have no good/close friends. yeah I said it. All my good friends, people who understand me/relate to me left. I have nobody to talk to about these issues. I feel so lonely and there's noone to help...

It is so hard to make friends. Everyone in their third year already have a group of friends that they've been hanging out with for 2 years already. I can't get in. I tried with alot of groups. I'm so lonely. Sometimes I wish someone could just sit and listen and share this with me. I'm so tired of pretending to be OK when it kills me. Never made any friends from clubs/volunteer though I've done so many, been involved with so many things.

I wanna cry, I wanna go far away, start all over again. But i know I can't change it. It's the same thing over again.

I'm making an appointment with a counsellor on Monday. This is the only place I can talk and share my feelings.

Thank you for reading till here. It means alot that someone is reading this, I wish you could be here to talk to...I hope I can get up on my 2 feet again soon. I hate being in this state....

I can so relate to this song. "...I'm a hazard to myself...A day in a life of someone else...Don't wanna be myself no more, I wanna be somebody else"

 

[karledice]

I'm thinking of using JUB blogs to keep track of my weeks/weekends. I haven't been on here for so long. Alot of things have been happening around here, work, social life and personal stuff. Anyhow, this weekend has been pretty good.

Started out on Friday when we went to the Fogs and Suds for the Canucks vs Ducks game. I was about an hour late, people from work were there. It was fun and we had so many drinks. There must have been 10 pitchers between the 8 of us and some rounds of shots. So we were watching the game and stuff. I sat by Ryan and R, T was stuck inside of the booth.

I turned around and swear I knew the guy from the other table from somewhere. Not untill the end of the night, I realized it was one of my ex-roomates Tom's friend with a group of guys and their bitches. So as they were leaving, I went and said hi to Scott-the super hot hunk. Tall, blond, muscular, really chill and cool personality, and straight....fuck.

So we said hi and stuff, Tom and him are going to Asia in the summer, so I talked a bit about that. He asked if I wanted to go to Blarney. Of course I couldn't because I was with coworkers there. After he left, T starting to make comments about him and asked me waht kinda friend he was. I told him the truth but he hinted something else. Clearly T wanted his dick...I felt a bit uncomfortable cause I'm not out to most people at the table so I just brushed it off

Ryan ended up having a chunk of my bill cause I was late and didnt have that many drinks as everyone else's. Ryan btw is SUPER COOL.

In the middle of the game, I got calls from the chinese from the pool, Ettiene-who didn't want to go to see the game and Lia from the restaurant.

She was kinda pissed that I wasn't able to make it to her bday dinner. I felt bad but it wasn't my fault. It was the games' fault. So I tried to go there asap.

I went to the washroom, yet again as everyone was paying. So I got out and didnt see noone. So I foned Ryan and apparently they were in Jake's apartment. I got there by Ryan's instructions. And we went to celebs shortly after. I got the free stamp and left to see Lia at the restaurant also nearby. I made it just before she got on the bus so just said hi and I hesitated to make a decision to get on the bus. So I had to take the next one...ugh Probably biggest mistake of the weekend.

I got to campus, called Lia and she turned her fone off. blah blah I can already smell drama...so I went to Mike and Matt's cause it was Mike's last day in Vancouver. I think I had one drink before I passed out and they tried to wake me up and say bye to Mike so I did my thing...I was too tired to care.

I worked in the morning at 7am as usual, totally tired as shit and hung over! It was SUPER busy at the coffee shop, it's ridiculous.

C dropped by for a surprise visit! It was cool, showed me his stuff and everything. It was fun. So then I we went to the beach, he got naked on Wreck and we just chilled. Went back to Gage to get my shit from Mat's and then left to the coffee shop for the stuff he left there. We met up with Arianne and her boy to get dinner at my favourite Japanese restaurant and it's on campus. So we talked blah blah

We were going to see the movies by ubc kids but didnt get tix so we decided to crash some random magazine anniversary party that Ryan told me on Firday. C didn't want to go, got tired after Vball....I know him, he wants to go and have a "nap" aka sex...So we went back to my place, he got a shower. Mike was home so we couldn't do anything, but I kinda half assed a bj and he jerked off and went home. I jetted to the studio

Met up with Arianne, and bf and went in saw Ryan, Jake. It was an INCREDIBLE art studio. Super nice and very artistic. God it was awesome. Hung out, made some art, painted picture frames, went to see the bands.

Roddy from work was there, Jordan was DJing-super fun. One of the art pieces were from Jade from library work!!! God knows how he got the Swiss boyfriend. I want one!!!

Good times and we left at 1-ish cause bus was coming

Sunday got up to a SUPER nice sunshine. Called Jmo cause we were to hang, but kid didnt respond till like fucking 5. I got pissed, apparently he forgot his cell at friend's place....whatervz. Still havent talked yet.

So called up Cristian and Etienne. Both worked ugh...so I just slept LOL Got up and Dennis called, gave me a ride to the pool.

Did my thang and went to VNmese with Dennis. His new boy Daniel seem boring and PC...poor guy

I had a great weekend. Just have to document so I deont forget. Gotta cherish life and every minute of it. I'm ready for tomorrow, training this new kid...yawn

 

[karledice]

Very positive indeed!

I met a guy online on Monday and he was kinda interested just for no strings sex. Bi-with gf and discret etc. It was too late so he proposed Tuesday.

He called me today and asked if I wanted to go to this place with glory holes...cause his roomies are home etc.

I was kinda nervous but agreed nontheles. He was muscular, white, cute, same height...So as I was waiting for him in front of the place, I heard a car coming and a guy that fits the foto came out (didn't see his face). He gave me the look and quickly ran inside, so I'm like oh ok it's him and followed. I was a goof cause I didn't know what to do but gave the guy a bj thru the hole nonetheles and he sucked me and stuff

As I was doing my thang, my fone rang and it turned out it was the guy I was to meet. I'm like SHIT wtf this isn't him? I thought he was checking or something. So then he foned again and was like where are u and I told him I was coming...

Long story short, I went to the wrong place, gave the bj to the wrong guy!! LMAO! so ended up meeting the guy I talked with and just bj'ed and jerked. He wanted to bottom bare and I'm like no.

I liked him, cool guy. Told me he's gonna call, let's see

Very positive first time indeed, and this doesnt happen too often in my case...woot!