Kayman23 - Archived Blog Posts

[kayman23]

I don't know how to describe this feeling. I feel lonely then I don't. I really wish that I didn't have the need to want to connect with other people sometimes. I would much rather just be self-sufficient and let that be that. Many of my friends and family describe me a very strong minded person. I know and understand this because I am one of those types where if I really don't care how the world views me and not trying to impress anyone but myself.

However, being that I am a person, I do desire the need to connect with others regardless. I don't have trouble meeting and talking to others because I can talk to just about anybody. Rather, what complicates this is my bisexuality. Over the last few months of I've encounter more than a few that have an issue with this. The killing thing is some of these very people are bisexual themselves. This just makes me just revert back to wanting to be self-sufficient individual.

I kinda wish I could meet another bisexual male, and just be friends. I don't have a problem with befriending any homosexual males, but many feel threatened or are driven away by my sexuality. Some just don't understand what I am going through because I do feel an attraction to females. In addition, I get so tired of talking to so many superficial guys.

I just wish I could meet somebody that can understand ME. If I could meet at least another bisexual around my age that I could relate to and help me understand what I am going through.

 

[kayman23]

Why is so damn difficult to try to develop friendships with folks online? I mean particular on Personal/Dating websites like bicupid.com and Yahoo! Personals. All of which have amounted to 0. I've tried getting know folks that seem to possess the same interests as myself, but everybody seems to never respond past the 3rd or 4th session of conversation.

I wonder if I'm being too pushy, but I attempt to avoid this because I still to general questions such as "What is your music genre of music?" How knows? Maybe internet friendships isn't for me. I know for a fact that I hate talking on the phone, but most of the time that's the only way I can keep in touch with people.

 

[kayman23]

I beckon the question "Why?" am I stuck with absentee friends. I spent my birthday last month completely alone (aside from the fact that I was at my parent's home for the summer). One 2 of my so-called "friends" have attempted to call me back since then and tried to make amends. These are the same bastards that would bug the hell out of me if they need something but low-n-behold nobody is around when its was my birthday.

I think I have a few people to delete out my cell address book come the fall. 2007 is going to be the year I make a whole new set of friends. I don't even think they are worth opening up and talking anybody I'm interested in to let alone what is going on in my life in general.

Everybody wonders why I don't want anybody to get close to me. After dealing with BS for so long, you grow to put up a "distance defense" to keep folks from getting close to you. Oh hell, oh well!

 

[kayman23]

That is how I describe this 1 guy I talked to on the internet. I was received a message from this guy on Manhunt a couple of days ago, so I read his profile. He said that he was just looking for a just friendship as myself, so I was cool with talking to him. He complimented me on my picture and such, so I decided to talk to him on Yahoo Messenger. We have had so far 2 conversation, but each time he decides to leave the computer for short period of time basically between ever message. I was OK with this the first time thinking maybe he was doing something, but this time he literally walks away from the computer for nearly a half-an-hour and then I was like "Are you still there?" was then responded. I then ask him why he was responding and his half-cocked explanation is that he doesn't talk much about himself on the computer, so I'm like cool. So I ask him if he wants to talk on the phone, then he says the same thing again. He says that he would much rather talk in person. So I'm like whatever, then he decides to sign off.

I am beyond tired of silly people, who are the ones who initiate an conversation with me and then you are the one rushing it to talk to me in person. If you say you want to chat with a person online then just chat with online. Don't waste my time trying to play mind games online. UGH!

I think this incident just reaffirms why I am so satisfied staying to myself because I am tired of such silly people. It is like a game with everybody nowadays.

 

[kayman23]

What I have to use to describe the guys around here. Most seem to be what an old saying that older people here in the US (particularly the South) use called "color struck". I don't have a problem with interracial dating because I'm actually pro-interracial relationships, but what bothers me is when I met guys that seem to have racial/ethnicity preferences. What I mean is that most guys in this city and to an extent this state are "color struck". They all have an obsession with only Caucasian (white) guys, and nothing else. One funny thing about this is that even the ones that aren't white themselves are the same way. I have never seen so many guys in one area that "color struck" in my life.

I really love living here in Birmingham b/c it is a very diverse city (the most diverse area in Alabama), much to do, my university is here, and I want to see it continue to progress considering its very violent and well-publicized history with the U.S. Civil Rights Movement. However, what seems to still persist here is the racial/ethnic issues and it resonates with the social relationships particular dating scene. Many around here will "befriend" others from different ethnicities and cultures, but they wouldn't date them as they dub "just because". Whatever "just because" suppose to be. IMO, love and happiness can come with some one of the same race/ethnicity as yourself as well as somebody of a different one. But it seems that some just can't get past step one, i.e., "the interaction" around here when it comes to that.

Most of my closest friends and most of my family is multiracial although I am do appear to be black/"African descent". However, I don't have preference when it comes to that race, as I have fallen for black, white, and even Latin guys, and I also have "fancied" an HAPA (a person of half-Asian descent) guy. So I don't have any real hang ups as I will like you for your personality and generally I am described by most people as a "very open-minded, non-judgemental person". But it seems to me that most here don't share my views.

Since there seems to be the big issue around here, I would rather just be celibate and single rather than try to confirm to the simpleton mentality that persists with most bisexual and gay guys around here.

 

[kayman23]

I'm so done with this bullshit! I'm so tired of being hit on by sexually confused guys. There is this one guy who in a Human Sexuality and Contemporary Political Issues course who has consistently hit on me. The first day of classes, I had said a few words to him that was non-descript, but he began a conversation with me. Along the way, he was constantly looking back at the football players that were walking by use going to their practice field. He looked back at them at least 5 times the first day, and the second time me and him were walk he did it twice. He then asked me, "Those football players are some big boys aren't they?" I didn't answer other than shrugged because most athletes aren't type or most of the ones that are gay or bi are so stuck on themselves so I don't waste my time pining over somebody that doesn't want me.

However, he then asked me, "What are you about do?" I was like I'm going over to the university center to get some ice and water as the day was extremely hot and I was about to walk back to my off-campus apartment. He also was going to the University Center also, so we walked together. He then began talking to about different things, but when he girls would begin talking to him along the way there he seemed to rush to get back to me rather talking to them. His body language also pointed to the fact that he wasn't into any of these girls (and these girls were pretty hot). He followed me to the campus juice cafe where I got my ice, and we talked for awhile until I realized that I needed to get to work and I had to depart.

Yesterday, when were in Human Sexuality class he flat out chose to ignore me when I waved "Hey" at him, and sat a row behind me with his friends. But a few minutes later he came to me and ask "What's wrong with you?" I just said nothing and turned around and listen to the professors lecture.

Our 2 classes together are on the same day, and back-to-back with about an hour break between them. So I decide to go my separate way, but when he were in the hallway before the Contemporary Moral Issues class, he was talking to this girl and literally walked away from her in mid-conversation to sit down on the floor next to me and talk. I basically just said "Hey" nonchalantly to him, and kept on about my business reading this assigned book for our class when he started asking again me "What is wrong with me?" and "How was my weekend?" I answered saying, "I didn't much of anything besides sat around my apartment" then he went into description on his weekend at the club and how the girls around here sucked. I just sorta listened. He then brought up something about how in his Sociology classes that it is impossible for a white guy to be discriminated against (he is white). I replied said it is possible, "If you are disabled, gay/bi, on the basis of economics" He then said "he wasn't disable, poor, or gay". However, his action, his body language towards girls, and constantly prying for attention from me says otherwise about his sexuality. I don't know what to do with this situation as he keeps giving me mixed signals, and I don't have time to be trying to discover somebody's sexuality.

I am just so done with guys, relationships with them, or MOST DEFINITELY sex. UGH! I would just tired of this shit with them. Most guys seem to have either 2 things on their minds: sex or mind games. I don't have time for neither. My life is already complicated alread without some loser that is lost as a compass with no needle, so as Betty Wright said in her song "She's Got Papers": "I can do bad all by my damn self."

If I have anything else with anybody it will be a girl b/c at least they have the guts to tell you up front about themselves.

 

[kayman23]

Sometimes I wonder what really makes a guy that just love to fuck another person with no strings attached really tick. I mean case and point, on here there seems to be a lot of guys that just love to fuck or be fucked by random guys and then go around saying I can't be attracted to them. There is a term for this behavior, "it's called being a whore". Hints, another reason why I don't get into random sex.

Or the "normal" guy phenomenon I see with some many guys. It is just as funny as watching cartoon characters. What is a "normal" guy? Last time I remember, nobody in this world is "normal" unless they are trying to construe themselves into a categorization or stereotype. I have gone to social websites like Manhunt, where that seems to be the main theme description.

I guess I'm just not desireable as I'm not "normal" because I don't categorize or label myself as that such. Oh well!

 

[kayman23]

How to iron one's feeling for somebody? I really wouldn't know since I've been thrown smack dab in the middle of an awkward situation with a guy. I met him the first part of this current semester (fall semester '07) and I have to say that I wasn't even thinking about anything with anybody. I say this b/c I haven't had feel anything in an intimate way in a couple years now, so I had gotten use to the fact that I was single and pretty content. Also when I met him I just saw him as everbody else had as "another fellow classmate". However, over the past month and a half, as we have gotten to know each other and started to hang out a couple of times in-between our 2 classes together, I have started to feel something.

To give some dynamics of our situation, he is in a relationship with somebody else a girl, but he has told me in confidence that he is not happy with her at all. He usually describes her in detail as the "She-beast", "crazy bitch", etc. I initially just took that as a typical fustrated heterosexual male in a disgruntle relationship. However, over the past 3-4 weeks, he has started to show:

1)Interest in my well-being, such as when I was hurt, he was showing signs of concern for me. Also we I almost choked he was trying to save me, and was there for me afterwards to make sure I was OK.

2)He has taken notice that of my moods and specific parts of my personality such as how often I do certain things and why. Also how I usually am initiating a conversation with him and how I am "the happiest person" he knows.

3)He has told me about his childhood, his relationship with his parents and his father's death, and the way he is not happy except when hanging out with me.

4) He is always making eye contact with me more than any other guy I know. He will stare dead into my eyes when I am telling him something or vice versa when he is telling me something.

5) He thrives off the attention I give him. If I'm not paying him any attention he will take notice and react in either by not talking at all to anyone else or he will stare at me and make crazy statements to get me to react.

I know as most of you read this some of you probably have experienced a similar situation and would understand. Well, to be honest, I never have experience such, and I don't know what to do. I really enjoy his company, but I don't understand the ambiguity surrounding his sexuality. I've even sat on the bed with him while studying and not once he did react as most heterosexual guys would and move. He actually stayed there and didn't mind. His actions makes one wonder about about if he is at least "curious", but then he has stated that "he's not gay".

I really don't know what I do as all this thing have put me in a conundrum with my feelings. I have started to develop feelings for him and he has shown that he cares about me as well, but as long as he stays in his current situation I don't think I would act upon my feelings for him.

 

[kayman23]

Once again, here I am in a place where I don't know who or what I am. I'm still dealing with the emotional affair with the "sexually ambiguous" guy that I have discussed in this previous 2 blog entries, but I just lost as ever.

Some days I just don't know who I am and I try to figure it out, but it seems almost hopeless. This guy I'm dealing with is still making it more and more difficult to deal with my confusion. He once again made it know to me that he "attached" to me, but I just don't know.

I have days where I don't feel any sexual attraction to nobody I mean no body. However, when I am with him, I do at least feel some emotional bond with him, but that is about as far as it goes. Some days I really want to open up to him and tell him that I am sexually confused, but him being just as sexually confused as myself (but he choses to deny it at all costs although his actions speak louder than words) would make our friendship awkward at best. In addition, we're just not getting to know each other but it seems like we just 'click' some reason or another because he seems to enjoy my company as much I do the same.

Although I don't feel anything sexual with anyone, doesn't mean I don't want to be held or cuddle with somebody else. Some days I really just want to be held by him, but I know that is not possible right now because as I already mentioned about his confusion and clear denial. It sometimes makes me just want to cry because I hate feeling so damn lost. I really wish that I could decipher this situation and find some sign that this would come to resolution. I'm just praying that I can come to some solidus with this.

 

[kayman23]

I've came out to the guy that I've been crushing on and in an awkward friendship with for nearly 3 months now. However, I did it via e-mail.

The reason why did via e-mail is because I was nervous as hell that somebody else was going to overhear our conversation. He is in military also, and I didn't want to jeopardize anything for him because of me. But now I'm nervous as hell what he reaction in person will be as I don't know how he act around me from now on.

In my previous blogs and post relating to this on-going situation, he has been quite ambiguious when around me. He would do with such as straighting my jacket or hat on my head without me asking and he sometimes just let me set my leg next to his and now say a thing. He has proclaimed he is "straight", but his actions speak otherwise. He also has been dating a girl for awhile, but it seems as if he doesn't want to commit to her. Hence, why I have been standoffish when it comes to his receptive behavior towards me. However, he has been quite open with me as I have been with him about very personal things that other people wouldn't know about us.

I'm just scared what his reaction to my coming out.

 

[kayman23]

What is the point of even trying? I just seems like the majority of the people worth your time and effort are useless junk. I mean really.........

I spent most of my time always trying to get out and get to know people, but every time I get to know somebody that I like you come to find out they are just looking for sex or no into you like that. That is how I feel about relationships.

Yeah, I know that we have to run into a lot of crap to find the one who we will spend the rest of our lives with. However, I've yet to even meet somebody at all.

I said this time last year, that before I make up my mind on whom I really want to begin to pursuing a LTR with either gender that I would have already experience a real relationship with a man like I have with a woman already. I want that person to me emotionally as well as physically attractive.

However, every single time I've tried to experience meeting any men, I always encounter more whores or douches than anything else. I mean I get propositions of sex from every single age group you can think of, but when it comes to dating and getting to know them, I get no response or heap of excuses. I'm not looking for anything permanent, but it seems that me trying to just experience a same-sex relationship is borderline hopeless. I want to experience a relationship now while I'm young, so that when I do get older I don't feel as though I've missed out on love with the other gender.

The type of shit just irks me because I know that most men are not like this, but it if I wasn't so optimist I would assume otherwise. I makes me want to give up on men altogether because this issue. This is in addition to the fact that I have just more hurdles that most queer men because:

1) I'm bisexual
2) I'm black
3) I'm relationship-oriented rather than into casual sex
4) I'm not promiscuous
5) I don't have an ethnicity preference

Most others have to just deal with 3 & 4, but I have to deal with all 5, so it can make to bitter or just want to give up. I also I don't want one particular ethnicity of guys nor do I want to, but I really want to experience something with a guy at least once so I will know if I'm more into men or women.

This whole situation just makes you want to give up on trying to experiencing a relationship with a guy because it seems that most aren't worth a damn.

 

[kayman23]

It seems to be the theme of things within the queer "fold" that bisexuality equates to promiscuity. However, I'm more a relationship-oriented, monogamous, gender-neutral bisexual which seems to be rare especially on JUB as well as in the world. Most bisexual guys seem to find it more convienent to have flings, "no-strings-attached", or emotionally-detached sexual interaction with other men. I've noticed that I'm in the minority and many times will side with homosexuals on the occurance that many bisexual males will participate in such situations. Yes, I also agree that it is more riskier to have a relationship or become involved with a bisexual male because of this frequency of this.

However, I can speak for myself on this part. I am monogamous because of the prevalence of STDs, and also the fact that my sexual attractions to a person is tied directly to the emotions I feel for that person. I can't "get it up" for somebody that I don't know from a random person on the street. Sure I will occassionally get "turned on" by an attractive person, but my ability to have sex with that person is not possible. Also in all honesty, I have yet to have sexual intercourse with anyone, but I have experienced oral sex with females in the past. However, when it comes to guys I've never experienced anything. But I want my first experience with a guy, if that ever happens, to be somebody I know, trust, care for, and is in a monogamous relationship with. Not somebody I'm going to just act like a friend with or doesn't care for my well-being afterwards because they've "gotten off".

If this makes me an anomanally amongst bisexual males then so be it. I do find it disingenous and aggravating that when I am meeting and getting to know a guy that if he is bisexual, I must tread water lightly considering all he maybe looking for is just sex.

However, this is frequent with most guy both homosexual and bisexual, but when I come to this board and specifically the "Bi Talk" section, that nearly every thread is about some bisexual guy wanting to just "have sex with men, but wants relationships with women". It just sends the message to me that he is very insecure with himself and is worried with what society feels about him. Also the frequent excuse that I read on here is "I want to someday to have a family", well my response is that you can if you settle down with either gender. It seems that most of these excuses are lined with bullshit or insecurities.

Finally, I want to discuss my thoughts and feelings on bisexual and/or homosexual males that choose to get married, but want to be cheat. Even if that their female partner knows that they are bisexual, I just find it distasteful for somebody to go through the religious ceremony of marriage (yes, I said religious b/c that is what marriage is an establishment created by religious institutions), and still have the audicity to have sex with somebody else. It is just counterproductive towards the sanctity of marriage to promiscious while married. Especially, if the female partner does not know. Yes, you may have the "urge" or "attraction" towards the members of the same sex, but she has trusted you and most likely made a vow to remain faithful to you. Some people just fail to amaze me how they attempt to justify their promiscuity. Any person can be monogamous, but they must have the desire and commitment to remain that way.