Keeping my Relationship from a friend

[G-Lexington]

Who is this "best friend" you're talking about? I mean, I see you. I see the guy you're dating. And I see this third guy. A guy who tried to hide the fact that he was in a relationship with someone, for whatever reason. A guy who wants to dictate who you can and can't date. Fuck him. Tell him you're dating the guy, and if he doesn't like it, he can fuck off.

Lex

 

[G-Lexington]

Now let ME try to clear up stuff.

It doesn't matter that he dated your roommate first.
It doesn't matter that your roommate told you not to date him.
It doesn't matter that you normally try to keep them separate.

You're dating the guy.
You like dating the guy.
You don't have any interest in ending that.
So keep dating the guy.

And yeah, let your roommate know. Not in an "admission" way, but in a factual way. "I'm going out with Fred tonight." The only issue will be when - not if, when - your roommate finds out, and will have to not only deal with you "dating my guy" but lying about it, to boot. Better to just come clean about it.

Lex

 

[Coffee]

Just named your friends by fake names, that'll be much easier.
So that means you're now dating with your roommate's ex-boyfriend behind your roommate's back?

 

[Coffee]

Now let ME try to clear up stuff.

It doesn't matter that he dated your roommate first.
It doesn't matter that your roommate told you not to date him.
It doesn't matter that you normally try to keep them separate.

You're dating the guy.
You like dating the guy.
You don't have any interest in ending that.
So keep dating the guy.

And yeah, let your roommate know. Not in an "admission" way, but in a factual way. "I'm going out with Fred tonight." The only issue will be when - not if, when - your roommate finds out, and will have to not only deal with you "dating my guy" but lying about it, to boot. Better to just come clean about it.

Lex

So, like Lex said, I think you should tell your roommate about it. You're not wrong. Nothing wrong in this thing called love. You're not the one make them break up. So it's ok to tell Chris about this. And like Lex said, if Chris discover this thing, everything could go bad. Be honest to Chris, it could hurt him at first, but it's better than he find out all things.

 

[G-Lexington]

Better and better.

I'd still tell him. You've chosen to see this guy, and it WILL come to light. Best he hear it from you. Will he do something rash? Possibly. But you're living your life, not his.

Lex

 

[Twistedup]

wow i rarely disagree with lex's advice...but this is a case.

now i'm new to this boy-dating thing, but i'm assuming it's like the girl-dating thing in that;

you do not date exes of your good friends. best friend's ex-girlfriend...OFF LIMITS! now this may be different in the gay scene but i really don't see why not. i hate to be cliche, but i'm wondering right now if there is a gay equivalent to 'bros before hos'. if not there should be.

if he is really your best friend, then he can date whoever the fuck he wants, and he doesn't really have to acknowledge/justify that relationship to you. unless it is an ex of yours whom you've specifically asked him not to date. in that case he should respect your request as a friend and swear this one off. you should do the same.

what if the guy really hurt your friend, but your friend doesn't wanna talk about it because it's personal? if you trust him and you really are best friends, then don't go fool around with his ex. that's just fucked up, and expect to no longer be friends anymore, because it is a very real possibility.

bros before hos, man. bros before hos.

i guess there doesn't need to be a gay equivalent...the original still seems to work just fine.

 

[swarley]

Bro's before ho's... that's all I have to say. Who have you known longer? Who's going to be there if the guy breaks up with you? Why would you want to turn your back on that? You must not like him very much if you choose a guy you just started dating over your best friend.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>i'm wondering right now if there is a gay equivalent to 'bros before hos'. if not there should be.

There is. It's usually just kept as "bros before hos". But 1. I don't think it's relevant at all in this case, and 2. I think it's bullshit regardless.

"Bros before hos" is usually a term batted around when a friend (or "one of the gang") gets a girl/boyfriend. That guy naturally starts spending more time with this new person in their life, and the friend/group starts feeling left out. That's when they trot out the "bros before hos" statement. (Which is why I don't think it's applicable here.) And it's a lame statement in any event. Just because a friend starts dating somebody doesn't make that somebody a "ho". It means they're in a relationship, and almost always, that relationship is the one that takes priority. Yes, it'll mean less "hanging with the bros". But that's how it works. People shouldn't be forced to put their lovelife on hold because "the guys will be lonely without me".

As for dating exes of friends, I think it's totally fair game. Especially if everything is done aboveboard. If you tell your friend that you're interested in his ex, and you're hoping to hook up with him/her, and you hope he'll understand. Once your friend has broken up with him/her, that person is back on the market, and thus is fair game. (There are those who would argue that person is fair game even when they're still dating. I won't argue that here.)

So why is it that friends "don't have to acknowledge/justify their relationships", but if same friend tells you not to date someone, you're supposed to go respect that wish? Either these two guys are really good friends, or they're not. There's a lot about this story that I don't get - the fact that the OP started dating this guy because he "didn't know"...even thought it was "obvious they were together"...oh yeah, and the guy's majorly depressed and possible to do something rash - forgot to mention that part - but all the evidence the OP has fronted is that they're not. If they're friends, they share stuff. They don't bring guys home (to the home they share) and deny anything is going on. They don't demand that their friend not go out with certain people. And they don't start seeing that ex on the downlow. These aren't the actions of friends - they're the actions of guys who might hang out with each other, and really don't seem to care about each other all that much. Given that, and given the fact that the OP made it pretty clear that he's going to keep seeing this guy, there doesn't seem to be any reason to argue for "friends don't do this". It's gonna happen in this case regardless. In which case, the least he can do is be honest about it.

Lex

 

[JUB]

Lex, great advice as always

Ya awesome! Are you like a relationship therapist or something?

 

[G-Lexington]

Close - I'm an accountant.

Lex

 

[backpacker]

Let me see if I got this right:

Chris = roommate
Sam = boyfriend.

Sam and Chris were secretly dating. I assume that there was some reason why Chris wouldn't admit it, like he was in the closet.

While Sam and Chris were secretly dating, you asked Sam out. I'm a little confused as to you and Sam went on a date at that time. Your first sounds like you didn't , but your last post sounds like you did. Which is it?

Chris and Sam broke up. Did they break up at the time you asked Sam out or was it sometime much later? Did there break up have anything to do with you asking Sam out or actually going out with Sam?

Normally I would be in the bro's before ho's category. In this case, I really have to wonder how good of friends the two of you are. Let's review the friendship:

1) You repeatedly asked your friend if there was something going on between him and Sam. He denied it. I have to wonder why he felt the need to lie to you. That doesn't sound like a best friend to me. He may have been in the closet, but he knew that you were gay and would certainly be accepting. I just don't get why he was lying, especially when it was obvious that something was going on.

2) Sam and Chris would go in his bedroom and lock the door. This means they were excluding you.

3) You asked Sam out when you knew or strongly suspected that he was more than just a friend to Chris.

4) Chris forbid you from dating Sam.

5) You are now dating Sam behind Chris' back.

It sure doesn't sound like you and Chris have much of a friendship. I really think this is more about drama and jealousy between you and Chris. You really need to examine the true reason why you found Sam so irresistible. I really don't think it has much to do with Sam.

If Sam went out with you while dating Chris, he doesn't sound like much of a catch either. If he cheated on Chris, he will cheat on you.

You need to ask yourself, who is more important, Chris or Sam. You are going to lose one of them for sure. There's a good chance you will lose both of them.

You need to tell Chris the truth. He will find out sooner or later. It's best if he finds out from you. If you decide to keep dating Sam, then, as one of the other posters suggested, just say it matter of factly. Sam and I are going to the movies. If Chris objects, just let him know that you really like Sam and you two are going to give it a shot. Don't expect him to take it well.

 

[MaxMouse]

I don't like it personally. I would keep Chris over Sam....Sam sounds like a shady one for hurting Chris, and that isn't justified to me. I always choose friends over a "boy"

 

[KaraBulut]

Geez, this thread gave me a headache.

Simple: everybody- Sam, Chris, Joe, Bob, Larry, Mo and Curly- is lying to people they're calling "friends".

Stop the lies. Come clean and deal with the aftermath.

 

[Twistedup]

man oh man...i stand by my initial advice. your friend does not have to tell you about his relationships. whether or no he does is his prerogative. i've brought girls home and locked ourselves in our room and when my roommates/good friends asked what happened i've told them none of your business. why? because it was none of their business.

that said, they knew i was at least trying something with her. and if i denied it maybe i was ashamed or something, who knows...who cares. and they would never then try to snag said girl. and i would never do that to any of my friends.

you don't do that to your friends. you don't flirt with their exes. you don't date them. you don't even attempt it. period. or you shouldn't.

just because your pal is no longer with him, does NOT make him 'back on the market'. sorry, but he is off the market for you, for a while at least. true, time does change these things...but it doesn't seem like you gave it much time. and it seems like your roommate asked...not demanded...that you leave him alone. you couldn't do that. in my eyes your roommate did nothing wrong, and in keeping this relationship you are betraying your friendship.

honestly if i were him i'd say screw you both you deserve each other.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well it all exploded on me like some of you said it would. now im alone again....

Well, tell the story- what happened?

 

[Twistedup]

i'd like to be sympathetic here...but...um...you had it coming.

 

[G-Lexington]

Wait a sec - you broke it off with him? By text? And you're feeling hurt because HE "cut you out"?

Sure, OK.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

Just stop with the drama and trying to complicate things.

I'll bet that you get yourself all caught up in the soap opera of relationships.

Just be honest and steer away from this high school approach to dating.

 

[unclaimedblessing]

A crucial part of the puzzle is whether Chris still really still cared for Sam after their break-up.
If he did and you knew it and still dated Sam you are at fault. You stated Chris was your best friend. Friendship includes loyalty and compassion. You also stated you had four relationships in one year, how many did Chris have in that same time period?
How would you feel if Chris started dating one of your other 3 exes? Sometimes putting the shoe on the other foot makes things clearer.
If you intend to explain or apologize to Chris, don't do it if in your heart you know you would do the same thing again. In that case, tell him dick means more than friendship and put the ball in his court.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, what did you learn from this mess of a situation?