Killing a Lethal Attraction

[Zildjian]

Hey guys,

As you know, the guy I've recently met has had me going through a whirlwind of mental exhaustion.

Tonight, Rob and I were talking on AIM, and the discussion somehow ventured to his formal education and career.

Rob is 22 years old, who graduated from Notre Dame University with a degree in Finance, and is now a highly paid consultant for a firm out of Boston, MA. The guy is very nice and on a recent visit here in Dallas (visiting family), he even took me to my first couple of gar bars, where we had an awesome time last week.

However, because of all his success and accomplishments, I've been feeling the manifestations of an inferiority complex, because currently, I'm a struggling entrepreneur with no formal education, and living back in my hometown (where I hate).

So tonight, I made the decision cut off our undeveloped platonic 'relationship', because I was overly stressed from feeling inferior to this guy who really seems out of my league (even as mere friend).

Did I make a premature decision? Or did I do good to end this 'friendship' that attracted me, but yet was gradually 'killing' me?

I sent him an email a few minutes ago (terminating our 'friendship):

I'll make this brief and to the point, as I don't want any this to be viewed as frivolous 'drama' (that's so prevalent in the gay community).

First of all, I want to thank and appreciate you for everything you've helped me with thus far. You may not know it, but hanging out Saturday night was more than a night at the clubs for me - please know that. It was undoubtedly an experience that was needed, due to my socially withdrawn 'job' I have currently.

However, it's becoming more difficult for me to remain positive, because of the gradual 'intimidation' that I've been feeling towards you. No, not 'intimidation' in the generally accepted definition, but more of a feeling of being inferior in regards to your success and accomplishments. I'll explain.

Right now at 23 years of age, I'm a struggling entrepreneur who is barely making ends meet without having accomplished a degree such as you have, and I'm really in the process of re-executing my education and career 'route'. The fact is that while I enjoy your company (either in person or online), I can't help but to experience the manifestations of an inferiority complex, when you speak about your great college experience at ND, and your great occupation as a consultant.

I know that even reading this email may seem perplexing, but please know that I'm going through some very difficult personal experiences that I don't want to 'bleed' in other areas of my life - especially socially.

Unfortunately, I think it's time for me to admit that I may not be a person who you would want to associate with any longer. I'm in no way jealous of your accomplishments and/or successes so far in life, but they are affecting me in a negative way, where I feel belittled and inferior to your social standing. In fact, after we chatted online tonight about your schooling and such, I felt so bad about my own current status compared to yours, that I drove all the way to my mom's house to talk to her about my 'miserable' life, lack of formal education, etc, and actions I need to take to ‘fix’ this ‘life’ of mine.

I know that loosing a 'friend' may not mean much to you, since you obviously have many, but please know that no longer being able to see, talk, or interact with you anymore breaks my heart tremendously. I don't have many friends (in fact, you can count them on one hand), so the decision to terminate this undeveloped platonic relationship of ours leaves me in tears, literally. Not to mention, that I probably won't ever visit Cedar Springs again because it wouldn't be the same with you.

Again, I appreciate your kindness and generosity that you have shown towards me. What you have done and 'taught' me in this short experience has been invaluable and one of the nicest things someone has done for me.

I wish you the best of luck and many successes.

 

[youngnihilist]

well if it was stressing you out that much maybe you did the right thing.

 

[hanshansen]

Did I make a premature decision? Or did I do good to end this 'friendship' that attracted me, but yet was gradually 'killing' me?

Yes, you did make a premature decision. No, it was not good.

Don't ever do it again .

I recognise so much of myself in your posts. For years I used to be afraid of people who I thought were more mature or more successful or more intelligent than me. I would avoid them and clam up in front of them and unexpectedly break off contact with them. I'd associate with people who, deep down, I thought were less of those things than me, and end up not having a lot of respect either for them or I myself.

I was totally miserable. I really hated myself.

You can learn so much from people who are a little farther down the path of life than you are. Think of meeting them as an opportunity. Don't shut them out.

Also, once you get to know them a little better you will find that they are themselves 'works in progress' with all sorts of troubles. Sometimes they're similar troubles, sometimes different.

The way you start feeling less inferior is by making small adjustments in your life and developing your own track record of incremental improvements. I'm in my late 20s, I'm still in my early stages of my career, I'm still finding myself, I'm not in a relationship etc. But my life is so much better than it was a year ago, and that makes all the difference. I have friends who are in their 30s, in happy relationships, in senior positions, and/or making multiples of what I earn. Knowing that those people have seen the changes I've made in my life, that they care about what happens to me, and that they think I'm on a good growth path, is one of the most positive and motivating factors in my life at the moment.

You started on your own growth path when you had the guts to go to those clubs and had a great time. Remember that experience and build on it.

You've now closed off this particular opporunity, but there will be others if you look for them. Please grab them .

I know that's all a little random, I don't know if any of it helps. I really hope it does .

PS If Rob is smart and nice enough to reject your 'resignation', swallow your pride, admit you made a mistake and put it behind you.

 

[Just_Believe18]

You have serious identity issues you need to work out with yourself. If you judge yourself by your socio-economic standing in life over finding happiness with people you enjoy; that is appalling.

I almost feel as though you did your friend a favor. Do you weird out on people like this often?

 

[Zildjian]

Well, I only slept two hours (mostly because I was worried about all of this), so I thought I'd reply to you guys.

I recognise so much of myself in your posts. For years I used to be afraid of people who I thought were more mature or more successful or more intelligent than me. I would avoid them and clam up in front of them and unexpectedly break off contact with them. I'd associate with people who, deep down, I thought were less of those things than me, and end up not having a lot of respect either for them or I myself.

I was totally miserable. I really hated myself.

That's exactly how I feel.

You can learn so much from people who are a little farther down the path of life than you are. Think of meeting them as an opportunity. Don't shut them out.

Yes, I know that I can learn a great deal of things from people who are "a little farther down the path of life" than I am.

However, it's the feeling of being inferior that overshadows the prospect of that happening, and I lose out.

You started on your own growth path when you had the guts to go to those clubs and had a great time. Remember that experience and build on it.

Yes, I had a great time last weekend. I think I may have burned the only bridge in this case. I don't think I'm ever going to find someone like that and experience anything similar.

I know that's all a little random, I don't know if any of it helps. I really hope it does .

Yes, thank you for your advice. I can take some things you said and apply them, and avoid future pitfalls like this.

PS If Rob is smart and nice enough to reject your 'resignation', swallow your pride, admit you made a mistake and put it behind you.

Ah, he probably won't even care. Whenever he reads the email, it may be confusing initially, but I'm sure he has plenty of friends, so loosing one won't be a big deal. However, it is a BIG deal for me, because I don't have any friends.

You have serious identity issues you need to work out with yourself. If you judge yourself by your socio-economic standing in life over finding happiness with people you enjoy; that is appalling.

I almost feel as though you did your friend a favor. Do you weird out on people like this often?

I destroyed one other 'friendship' like this before with basically the same factors.

Last night I talked to my mom, and we suggested that I get into therapy sessions. So, that's what I'm going to do. I can't continue on this path like this anymore.

 

[hanshansen]

Last night I talked to my mom, and we suggested that I get into therapy sessions. So, that's what I'm going to do. I can't continue on this path like this anymore.

That's good. It's good that you recognise that this has happened before, that it's not doing you any good, and that you need to take steps.

I went through massive anxiety and sleeplessness a short while ago (see my 'got hit on' thread) and getting it all out of my system with a counsellor/therapist who suggested different perspectives on what I was feeling was very helpful.

Good luck!

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Zildjian,

Your commitment to seeing a counsellor is a great idea... congratulations on that step... I hope you feel proud of being able to recognize something you want to seek help with.

Its easy to feel intimidated by some people... and there will always be people who have done more, seen more, made more. For some its critical... social status is everything. For others it means very little.

It took me a long time to realise that what was inside a person was what mattered. It took the openness and unquestioned acceptance of me by my friends when I came out to them to make me realise that my perceptions of them were based in part on things that didnt matter.

Zildjian, not only how you feel about your freind but yourself too is important... and your posts, your email shows that you understand that.

Its so crucial for you to understand how important that you are. That you are not only special but unique. That you posses talents and traits that only you have in the chemistry that makes you you. You have unique and individual thoughts and emotions. You posses desires and passions that apply to only you.

Even as you grapple to understand that you are anyones equal you fear hurting others or dragging them down. Its a sign of compassion and consideration for others that forms another part of who you are.

And its those things... not the certificates your lacking, degrees you dont have or life lessons you havent yet learnt that make you attractive to others - both as a friend and as a potential lover.

In time you'll come to understand that being comfortable with who you are, the great guy that you are, is not a selfish or self indulgent thing. Its not wrong to feel pride of the little or big things you do. Its not evil to feel comfortable with the progress you've made or to look back at the path you've taken and wonder how many others could do the same.

Its ok to love yourself. Not in the I'm better than anyone else sense... thats crazy... but its ok to say that you deserve happiness. Its ok to say that you can not only learn from others but also teach them too... because you do have things to teach others.

But you also have to trust the judgement of others to see the real you. And you have to respect their decision to have you share their lives with you.

Your friend sounds like a nice guy. Forget his "achievements" - they mean nothing. He sounds like a caring decent guy. But not only that he sounds intelligent too... so why would he want to have you around if he thought you were not up to his standards?

He saw you mate. He saw more than your age or lack of life expereinces. He saw more than you give yourself credit for. And he obviously valued what he saw. You should ask yourself why he liked talking to you... ask yourself why he would want to spend time getting to know you and befriending you... This intelligent articulate educated guy chose to spend time with you. That means something mate it really does.

Zildjian... you do deserve this guy being in your life. You are worthy of his freindship - he is no better than you... and that applies to all of us. Dont let self doubt hold you back mate... you are better than that.

My guess is that your friend will contact you mate when he reads your email... make sure you talk to him... and make sure you listen to him. Friendships are based on all sorts of crazy learning expereinces and this will be another one... I'm certain that being the guy that you are you can gain something out of this.... I have a feeling he wont push you away and that he can help you on your journey

Good luck Zildjian.... just remember how far you've come and that there are always people who will want to help you go forward in life... the trick is being able to recognize the ones who are genuine... and I have no doubt that you'' do that with ease.

 

[rareboy]

I think you need some real professional guidance or counselling.

Your inferiority complex is going to be problematic for the rest of your life if you don't get it sorted out.

Who are you good enough for?

If you regret not having education, then get it.

If you don't want to live in your father's basement, then don't.

If your new bf just writes you off because you written a passive aggressive mash note to him, don't be surprised.

But remember, you're the one fucking this up, not him because he doesn't rush to provide reassurance, or feels unsteady about where this could lead to and backs out.

Why wouldn't you just enjoy it for what it is? Why not let him provide guidance and inspiration to achieve? Are you afraid of success? Or are you afraid of rejection?

Next time you feel the need to send this kind of message to someone, don't.

I have to say...you need to stop living your life on a bulletin board and get out there and let come what may.

 

[Zildjian]

I think you need some real professional guidance or counselling.

Your inferiority complex is going to be problematic for the rest of your life if you don't get it sorted out.

Actually today, I'm going to ask my mom to make me some appointments with a therapist. There wouldn't be any out of pocket pay, since it's subsidized by her employer.

If you regret not having education, then get it.

I'm actually working on a couple of IT certifications now, and going back to school this summer. I should have a degree by the time I'm 27 years old.

If your new bf just writes you off because you written a passive aggressive mash note to him, don't be surprised.

But remember, you're the one fucking this up, not him because he doesn't rush to provide reassurance, or feels unsteady about where this could lead to and backs out.

I wouldn't be surprised. In fact, I'm not even expecting a response from him. I'm sure when he reads the email, that I'll be written off as a 'quack'.

It's been just hours since I sent that message, but I already regret sending it. I let my feelings override rationalism. But, if he rejects me all together, I'm kinda glad that this will be over, because my obsession with him was giving me a perpetual headache. I was thinking about him constantly, and was not able to talk to him more because of his job, and afraid of 'smothering' him.

Why wouldn't you just enjoy it for what it is? Why not let him provide guidance and inspiration to achieve? Are you afraid of success? Or are you afraid of rejection?

I'm afraid of rejection. All my life, it was always about 'cliques', and if I didn't 'measure' up to someone, I felt like a loser or similar.

 

[KaraBulut]

You've removed the symptom - a decent guy who has been very patient and respectful - but you have yet to deal with the cause - your own insecurities and obsessive nature. Tallguy, rareboy and hanshansen have all hit the nail on the head by encouraging you to get into therapy.

Don't wait for your mother to find a therapist for you- go find one for yourself. In the Oak Lawn area there are several therapists who will work with you on an ability-to-pay basis and will accept your mother's insurance plan.

 

[EvilForce]

STOP SENDING EMAILS!!!

You don't have important conversations via email! If you regret sending it, pick up the phone and call him and just explain yourself. You can't get mad at someone telling the truth about how they feel, regardless if you agree with it or not. Many times we can't help feel the way we do. How we handle those times is what we can control.

I work in a profession that requires a number of years of additional university, long hours, and yes the pay is high by most people's standards. But I've never been interested in dating someone in my field, or with the academic level I have. Not because I feel I'm better, but because frankly I love the starving artist mindset of the men/boys I've dated. They've followed their dream, financial considerations be damned. I also refuse and hate to fight with another career for my time. When I'm not traveling for work, or I can sneak away on a vacation for a week or two I don't want someone else's career to stop us from going. It's hard enough having 1 successful wage earner in a couple, darned near impossible to have two.

I'm very talented at what I do professionally. Outside of that I'm not particularly great at much else. I love art, but couldn't draw or paint to save my life. I'm in awe of people who can create poetry, use Photoshop to create graphic arts, photographers, etc... So I do what I do best, which allows me to help the person I'm dating or partnered with to do what they do best.

Follow your heart, not your head in this case.

 

[unclaimedblessing]

It's good that you are seeking therapy. Professional advice can help you sort out your issues.
There are more important qualities in a potential friend or partner than status. There is character and soul. There is that indescribable attraction that dwarfs income and education.
The most competent supervisor I ever worked for was a woman who hadn't even completed high school.
Another caution regards gay bars. I went to gay bars all my life and they can be fun and exciting. It wasn't until I tended bar in one that I realized how phony many gay people can be. Some acted so confident, wealthy and seemed not to have a worry in the world; but I was penalized for the checks they bounced on my watch.
If your friend didn't act like a snob and didn't treat you condescendingly, you might have made a bad decision.
We have the ability to change a lot of things in our lives. One of those things we have control over is the ability to apologize if we do or say something we realize was wrong.
Good luck in finding yourself, you'r already ahead of the game by admitting you may have a problem.

 

[Zildjian]

Saved By the Skin on My Teeth

I have just been saved by the mere skin on my teeth.

Obviously I had regretted sending Rob that damn email last night, but didn't know if it was too late to resolve the matter. I, like the majority of the posters in this thread, thought sending the email was a very bad idea.

So...I sent him a subsequent email that read like this:

Hey Rob,

Ignore the email I sent ya last night entitled "Hey Rob!". In fact, don't even open it (if you haven't already).

Thanks!

Within minutes, I get a reply from Rob:

Hey,

Well I already read it, just before getting this one actually. Look, I apologize if I made you feel bad in any way, it really was not my intention. I would really hate to lose you as a friend, and contrary to what you think, I really dont have many friends (especially gay ones).

I dont know why you say you're not someone I want to associate with anymore, however, I in no way want to contribute to any of the problems you may be having or going through. On the contrary, you can count on me if you ever need to talk to someone. I didnt realize that my random comments about college were affecting you, I just want you to know that it was not done intentionally.

Hope that by this email where you tell me to ignore the other one you mean that you still want to be my friend.

Immediately after reading his reply, I call him. During our conversation, I tell him to disregard that email, that it was the result of too little sleep and whatnot. I also tell him that he said or did anything that was offensive. We also laughed a bit discussing all this, and he informed me that if I ever needed to talk about things, to just call him. I was upfront with him and told him about my obsession with being unsatisfied with my current professional life, etc.

In short, our conversation was lively and warm, and we're both putting this behind us (me, especially).

I'm so glad Rob was understanding in all of this, as I know he could have simply written me off as a 'quack' and never communicated with me again.

From now on, I'm not communicating with him in chats or email again. The only form of communication will be the telephone. Electronic communication stinks!

 

[rareboy]

I'm glad to hear it is all resolving itself.

Now, press on regardless.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Good. He sounds like a cool guy and a worthy friend to have. You want people like that in your life.

 

[trawler69]

I'm glad he is the decent person I thought him to be and I am happy that you realised that you were the one with the insecurities and in the wrong. If he were a lesser person he could easily have got very upset over the email you sent him. It probably hurt him quite a bit.

Learn from this as you indicate that you intend to and I wish you well.

On a lighter note

The only form of communication will be the telephone. Electronic communication stinks!

This amused me. Is your telephonic communication still via two cans and a piece of string?

 

[Zildjian]

Ok. I lied. I sent him one more email (after we talked about all of this, of course), now that we're in good standing.

Here's what I said:

Hey Rob,

I just wanted to reiterate per our conversation this morning that you haven't offended me in any way, form, or fashion. So please, don't hesitate to talk about your various aspects of your personal life to me. In other words, you don't have to 'walk on eggshells' around me. In fact, I have a few individuals that treat me as a confidant, because I've established relationships with them in regards to loyalty and trusting me with their quite personal information.

I think the reason that I sent you that passive aggressive mash note of an email was due to a irrational response of mine in a moment of weakness when I was evaluating different aspects of my personal life. It happens sometimes. Did I mean what I said in the email? Absolutely not. Not one word. In fact, even though we may have an understanding now, I do regret sending that to you.

The fact is that I'm returning to school to finish my degree at SMU (Southern Methodist University) starting this summer, after a substantial hiatus of being involved in a number of entrepreneurial ventures. I know that people generally have a tendency to undervalue an individual's intelligence when the individual hasn't executed the traditional pathways to alleged 'success' (especially considering the topic of post high school education). Seeing as I fit that description, I do ask that you don't view me through the filter of a traditionalist mindset. I believe every individual has a 'path' to their purpose in life, and differentiating paths do not equate a lack of intelligence, ambition, etc.

Again, thanks for your much appreciated patience and respect in 'all' of this. I must admit that this issue and even the issue of my life as a gay man has lead to some irrational decisions on my part, and only makes me even more appreciative that you haven't passed me off as a 'quack' (for lack of better words). I really am a nice guy.

Anyway, I miss you, and I look forward to coming to the east coast in a couple of months. You really are an awesome person – not because of your ‘achievement’, but your character as a good friend.

Have a good week.

 

[KaraBulut]

OK... now back to the subject of looking for that therapist as soon as possible...

 

[Zildjian]

OK... now back to the subject of looking for that therapist as soon as possible...

LOL. Did I say something wrong in that email?

 

[hanshansen]

Two things to think about:

1. Rob took your email on the chin. Why would he have done that? Because he's a saint? No, probably not. It's probably because he likes you and sees that you've got potential. Don't throw away that potential.

2. Think what it would be like if someone sent you an email like the (first) email you sent him. You were essentially saying 'I don't matter to you, you've got better friends; deep down you look down on me; I don't trust you; therefore I'm rejecting you.' If he likes you and wants to be nice, that is really hurtful: no-one likes to have bad motives ascribed to them. People like to be trusted and thought of as nice people.

Note: insight no. 2 was given to me by a 'Rob' type person who I met on this forum (though never in person). I was very lucky, too .