Know any Halloween jokes?

[gmoney]

Here's some to start:

Q: Why don't witches wear panties?
A: They get a better grip on their brooms.


Two vampires walk into a bar and the first one orders a cup of blood. The second one orders a warm glass of water. The first one asks,"How come you didn't order a cup of blood?" The second one pulls out a used tampoon and says, "I'm having tea!"



A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Richard and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

 

[Kurn]

WhoooAhahAhaaauuuu!!!!
MORE!

 

[Christopher123]

I don't get it

 

[JakeBequette]

Two vampires walk into a bar and the first one orders a cup of blood. The second one orders a warm glass of water. The first one asks,"How come you didn't order a cup of blood?" The second one pulls out a used tampoon and says, "I'm having tea!"

That sickens me *puke face*​

 

[gmoney]

A few more:


Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel.

Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Candy Apple!"

 

[CO Bob]

Two nuns are driving back to the convent from the church bingo, taking their time. Suddenly, a vampire lands on the hood of the car, and starts attacking the windshield, hissing, snarling, baring his teeth.

The quiet nun, doing the driving is fretting something fierce "oh my, whatever shall we do?" The other nun replies, shake the car, maybe he'll fall off. The other nun steers left, switches quickly right, shaking the car as best she can. No affect, the blood thirsty vampire lurches onto the windshield again.

"Oh my, lord help us, what shall we do" says the first nun. The other nun says "turn on the wipers, maybe they'll flick him off". The quiet, nervous nun does so, but it just makes the vampire more angry, now he's spitting blood, and is trying to break the windshield.

"Heavens help us cries the first nun". The other says, "oh, he's a vampire, show him your cross"! The first nun thinks for a moment, then sticks her head out the window and yells at the vampire; "hey asshole, get the fuck off of the car!"

 

[hurynwait2]

Robertac you can come as pizza anytime, not just tonight.

 

[gmoney]

thanks!

I was starting to wonder if anyone even noticed!

I noticed! The fucking box was blocking what I really wanted to see!

 

[gmoney]

BUT,.... the question is do you like what's in my pizza box?

open it and I will tell you!!

 

[Sausy]

Open your door....it's not dominoes!Sausage here for pizza!

 

[gmoney]

I like to leave something to your imagination! I'll just tell you I got 10 inches in there! I hope you like sausage on your pizza Elvin?

Elvin? I thought this was an offer to me!

 

[Matty B!]

I like to leave something to your imagination! I'll just tell you I got 10 inches in there! I hope you like sausage on your pizza Elvin?

Is that REALLY you ? If so, Jeez - you are so hot...

 

[CO Bob]

Ok, Ok! Nice pizza!

Now, get back to the jokes!

 

[gmoney]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early; she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife got close up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."