Lack of Communication

[LongHorns2011]

First off, this is my first post. I was shown this forum site by a friend who's posted questions on here and gotten some great feedback so I figured I'd give it a try.

I've been talking to this guy from my home town for a little over a month now. The first few weeks we talked all the time but since then it seems like we hardly ever talk, we hang out a lot but in between the times we hang out there's no communication between us.

I'm new to this whole dating so I could be just over reacting, and I just wanted to get a new perspective on the situation.

Thanks guys.

 

[Seasoned]

Hi. Welcome. Great to find you here.

From what you posted I'm thinking you found a friend rather than a boyfriend. Keep trying for the latter. Sparks need to fly in both directions for a relationship beyond friendship.

I never knew what was worse, someone I didn't want, wanting me, or me wanting someone who didn't want me.

A lot of people make the attraction decision within seconds or minutes of meeting someone. Think of the mess and heartache if everyone was sexually attracted to everyone else. There'd be no problem getting a date, but it would be damn near impossible to get a second one.

Do whatever you were doing to meet this guy. If the spark is not returned that is a potential friend and keep going to find potential boyfriends. Staying stuck because of a crush gets ugly over time.

Good luck.

 

[jaysizzles]

There really are no rules for how often you talk when you're casually dating...you kind of have to feel the other person out as to their personality, mood and schedule (a lot of times people are just really busy.) A lot of people don't like talking on the phone either...or don't want to since they're planning on seeing the other one soon.

And, since you hang you a lot (how often is a lot?) maybe he's just the type that would rather have a conversation face to face. When you are together, what are you doing? Are you with a group or just the two of you together. Are you dating, like movies, dinner, hanging out at home playing games, fooling around...having good conversations? Since you're questioning this, there's no harm in bringing up the topic (casually) when you see him...just to get a feel for where his head is at with your relationship and if he wants to or likes to talk between dates.

I guess I'm wondering if you are looking for a problem, especially since you see him a lot. If you didn't see him often and didn't speak to him in between...that'd be a problem.

 

[LongHorns2011]

Hi. Welcome. Great to find you here.

From what you posted I'm thinking you found a friend rather than a boyfriend. Keep trying for the latter. Sparks need to fly in both directions for a relationship beyond friendship.

I never knew what was worse, someone I didn't want, wanting me, or me wanting someone who didn't want me.

A lot of people make the attraction decision within seconds or minutes of meeting someone. Think of the mess and heartache if everyone was sexually attracted to everyone else. There'd be no problem getting a date, but it would be damn near impossible to get a second one.

Do whatever you were doing to meet this guy. If the spark is not returned that is a potential friend and keep going to find potential boyfriends. Staying stuck because of a crush gets ugly over time.

Good luck.

Thanks for the welcome. I'm thinking I found more of a friend also even though he tells me that he really likes me and his actions are more relationship like, such as hugging and kissing, rather than friend like. I just feel like I've done something wrong when we're having a conversation about something and it stops and I don't hear back from him in days, or we're supposed to hang out at a certain time and I'm at the place we decided to go and he's not there and not answering my calls until way later in the day.

I don't know if this makes a difference but it seems like I'm always the first to start the conversation also, but again that could just be our differing work schedules.

There really are no rules for how often you talk when you're casually dating...you kind of have to feel the other person out as to their personality, mood and schedule (a lot of times people are just really busy.) A lot of people don't like talking on the phone either...or don't want to since they're planning on seeing the other one soon.

And, since you hang you a lot (how often is a lot?) maybe he's just the type that would rather have a conversation face to face. When you are together, what are you doing? Are you with a group or just the two of you together. Are you dating, like movies, dinner, hanging out at home playing games, fooling around...having good conversations? Since you're questioning this, there's no harm in bringing up the topic (casually) when you see him...just to get a feel for where his head is at with your relationship and if he wants to or likes to talk between dates.

I guess I'm wondering if you are looking for a problem, especially since you see him a lot. If you didn't see him often and didn't speak to him in between...that'd be a problem.

Thanks for answering back. I've taken into account our work schedules, I work during the mornings and he works the midnight shifts at his job so communication naturally would be a little difficult when one is working or sleeping and such, I'm speaking on when confirming dates that have been planned and not getting a reply back until way after our planned date has been missed or having conversations that stop abruptly and not be heard from for days. Neither one of us are much of phone people, we usually always talk through text, which can be unreliable at times but this has happened multiple times since we've started talking to each other.

Well this week we've hung out Sunday and Tuesday, we were supposed to also hang out Monday but again I wasn't able to reach him all day so it didn't happen. Before this week we've only been able to see each other sporadically because of our conflicting work schedules and other family matters. But there have been times when we've planned something and I was fully expecting for things to go as planned and they don't and I haven't really gotten a reason why I didn't get as much as a text saying that he wasn't going to be able to make it, which would be better than receiving nothing and just left wondering.

So far it's been just the 2 of us, we've hung out at our houses a few times watched movies and so forth, but we have talked about meeting each others friends and taking trips out of town together. We've also done dinner before and talked about doing a movie at the end of the week.

I guess I just came on here to see if bring it up to him was a good idea or if I'm just over analyzing this in my head, because if something is there between us I don't want to mess it up.

 

[jaysizzles]

Missing dates without calling to say something came up...rude, inconsiderate and unacceptable. Conflicting work schedules is no excuse (even though the night shift totally sucks!), with all the technology we have, to not call to cancel or return a message. I wouldn't tolerate that from a friend...especially not a guy I was dating.

If you decide to continue this relationship, I definitely think you need to talk with him about what you'd like, what you expect, where you stand with each other, etc... If he can't learn to be considerate...dump him. He'll continue to take advantage of you if you let him...don't let him.

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB.

After reading your initial post, it's not clear what you are thinking or feeling.

I've been talking to this guy from my home town for a little over a month now. The first few weeks we talked all the time but since then it seems like we hardly ever talk, we hang out a lot but in between the times we hang out there's no communication between us.

I'm new to this whole dating so I could be just over reacting, and I just wanted to get a new perspective on the situation.

I'm thinking I found more of a friend also even though he tells me that he really likes me and his actions are more relationship like, such as hugging and kissing, rather than friend like

In the first paragraph, it sounds like you're friends who hang out.

Then you mention dating.

Then you talk about being friends.

Then you mention that the two of you hug and kiss.

Are you both gay? Does each of you know the other is gay?


This guy is sending mixed messages. But- from your post- it's possible that you're giving mixed messages too.


The two of you need to spend about 15 minutes talking about what you both want and whether you're dating, just hanging out, FWB and where this is going.

If you're exiled to friendsville, that's fine. It sounds like you enjoy each other's friendship and company. And this will free you to find somebody to have a romantic relationship with.

If there's an attraction and an interest in moving forward, then the two of you need to talk about how to take it to the next level (and how to find time to take it to the next level).

At some point, one of you needs to take the risk and get rid of the uncertainty.

 

[TX-Beau]

How old are you?

Trust what the guy does, not necessarily what he says. He may very well like you, he may feel sexually and emotionally interested when he's around you, it may be very true, and yet, that may be the exact depth of it.

Do not try to interpret someone else's actions by what you would do. People are different.

You are really in the very beginning stages of whatever it is you have. It's too soon to be picking out china patterns, hell I'd even say it's too soon to be having in-depth conversations about emotions.

Have a good time, go out, do things together, let whatever happens develop organically and you'll have a better shot.

If you look through the threads in here you'll see plenty of tales of woe from guys who decided to jump in immediately and got burned.

Do not put any expectations on this that aren't warranted but what he's actually doing.

If he wants to hang out, leave the planning up to him, if he flakes on you, that says a lot, and this guy isn't relationshp material.

That doesn't mean you can't go out with him, hang with him, hell even fuck him, but if you go that route, at least do it with your eyes open.

I've had a lot of fun times with guys I knew I wasn't going to commit to, and it was great. Because I didn't delude myself that a flaky guy - however fun he was, was a good prospect.

 

[TX-Beau]

Oh and yeah, when guys are seriously interested they will bump you right up to the top of their priorities.

If he's just hanging for a good time, that's not necessarily true. it doesn't mean he doesn't like you, but he's not going to drop everything else for you either.

You take the guys as you find them, and for who they are, and choose accordingly. you'll avoid a ton of heartbreak in your life if you figure that out early.

If he's a good time with no depth, OK, nothing wrong with that. But don't set your hopes on that either.