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Late coming out

hi BeamKatana,

Thanks for your friendly reply, and good to hear that you like my answers and that you have the idea that my answers are helpfull.

My level of English is also not very well (but my writing skills of German are terrible), so I think I was not clear when I was saying
Moreover, you don't have problems because you are gay (do you?)
Click to expand...
Some guys starting to post in this forum have various problems when it becomes clear to them that they are gay, eg. they suffer from 'a low self esteem', 'depressed feelings', 'very lonely / no friends', 'family who disowns them because they don't want a gay son', etc.

In contrast, I have the idea that this is not the case for you. So your work is also not suffering from such problems (problems straight guys can have when they, eg, have marriage problems). You happen to be a gay guy, and its no problem for you to be gay, your best friend is a gay, and he is cool about it, you also expect not other problems with people around you. You are just walking on the way how to find out how to live as a open gay (ie, not anymore as 'a straight guy of 29 yo who is still looking around for a nice girl').

I think it is indeed a very good idea to make contact to a local group. Its often a low-profile and an easy way to talk with other people, to exchange ideas with each other (one might call this counseling), and it is also up to you how much help you will need from them. Definitely, you don't need to change anything on your lifestyle. Why should you?

It might indeed be some sort of surprize for your younger brother when you tell him you are gay. But I tend to agree with you that it is very likely that it will not be a big deal for him. I also tend to think you should find ways to tell soon the other good friend that you are gay?

There is another thing, and that will make it easy for you in the nearby future. Say to your -close- friends (and also to your brother) that its not a secret that you are gay (at the moment you tell them that you are gay). So then 'the news' will go around, and soon you don't need to bother anymore if people are aware that you are gay (or not). Open gays don't bother about such a question, and when needed they just clarify why they don't have a girlfriend.

You might also use this method at your job. So just tell that girl that you are gay, and you are sure she will spread the 'news'. Well, and people who are curious and want to know more will ask you. And then you can give them some replies. And you also can tell them that being gay is not a big deal for you. Besides, you don't need to bother anymore to tell alot of people at your work that you are gay. You just assume its known.

Being open at your work also has an advantage that the other gay guys at your work also don't need to think about your orientation. Maybe there are some sweet guys at your work, who would like to become friends with you.

Anyway, I would like to wish you good luck. Take your time, do the things step by step, and keep us informed.

Best wishes & take care
 
Bananagoof,

thank you for your remarks! No offense taken, just to make it clear: I know him for 13 or 14 years by now and consider him one of my two best friends. I do not want him to bring me through the situation, talking about it and sharing thoughts when needed, is enough :D
And I totally agree: If he was just someone like "the one gay friend I happen to have", wouldn't go there for advice!



Ganoderma,
I think your English is great, I was just not 100% sure about the context here.
Well, some issues in that regard, but no problems.
I am feeling somewhat lonely, definitely yes. But this has more to do with not having a partner.
OK, and I am only living here for a year, I could do with some more people that I consider "close" friends here in town, but this always takes some time for me, so I do not worry there too much and I am working on that one. Maybe being more open about myself in general will help here as well:-)

I also contacted the group, already last Friday, and I will forget about the counseling idea for the time being ;) The guy organizing the group seems to be a nice person and I will go there as soon as I find the time, they just chose a very bad weekly date, if you are working, Tuesdays at 6 p.m. :twisted:
I am also trying one of those dating sites, but to be honest, no high hopes, hat this will lead somewhere.

And about the friend, I find it hard to tell:
It is not so much the fact, of me being gay - I am pretty certain, he would be fine with that. It is just the feeling, that during last year, I just was not honest and betrayed this friendship. I didn't live up to my own standards here, and that's the big deal for me.
I did not pretend so hard to be someone else in that regard with my gay friend, I just left out the topic...
So, I really would be disappointed, if my straight friend here had a problem with the gay thing. But on the friendship level, I couldn't blame him:(

Maybe I will just do this quick and dirty.
 
hi BeamKatana,

Once again, thanks for the friendly and nice reply.

Good to hear you already contacted the local group and that you met a nice and a friendly guy over there. Likely, they also will have some sort of social meetings / evenings etc., and that can be a good way to get some other gay friends / aquaintances.

Local gay groups offer such counseling already for decades, also during the time when the internet was not yet there. In those days, such counseling sessions were very usefull, eg. for an exchange of ideas and to talk with other gay guys. Nowadays, there are more options, e.g. this forum. People over here can also give you advise, and its very easy to read other stories of guys who are in the process of coming out.

I think your best friend will understand you when you explain him about your new situation (= you are gay). I mean, you have told us that it took some time to 'come in terms with yourself that you are gay', and that right now this process is -more or less- finished. So right now you are cool & ok that you are gay, but it took some time to think about it by yourself. Telling this to him is a very good explanation why it took some time before you have informed him. When he is a really good friend, he might even have noticed that there was 'something' that was bothering you.

I assume that your best friend is cool / relaxed about people who are gay (meaning he is not a homophobe etc.), and i think he will understand that it took some time before you have informed him about a new item about your personal life. Just consider it as some sort of 'update'. Such things are happening as well with other people. Some straight guys of around your age might have marriage problems, and they will not always discuss this immediately in detail with all of their friends.

Anyway, I would like to wish you all the best.

Take care & best wishes.
 
Hi Ganoderma,

thank you once again :D

Until now I didn't meet the guy from the group yet, we just sent each other some mails.
But still, he seems like a nice guy and I am just looking forward to going there ;)
And to be honest, I think it is another story to "come out" on an anonymous board, which this basically is, or to go to a group like this, at least for me those are two separate things, even today !oops!

But much more important:
I came out to my straight friend today:D
It was just our kind of going through this, I said, that I needed to tell him something.
Instead of waiting, he started to make wild guesses, and he was so wrong:lol: Long before he said "You are gay, and have a crush on me" (which I do not have) he considered, that I might have a crush on his girlfriend (who is really nice and I really hope the best for those two!), so he did not expect anything :lol:
But he was really cool about it, no problems, we drank several beers afterwards here and I am just so glad, I told him, whew! :D
 
Hey, hun,
I hear you. I know how you feel. I'm still closeted and a virgin. And, I'm 29. I have an out friend, who used to like me, but I was sooo scared of doing anything or coming out, since he was one of my first friends at my new job right out of college. He moved to a different site, so I regret not doing anything with him (though he's a daddy bottom, and I always wanted to bottom myself...but I'd top him, definitely. lol). I didn't want to risk him telling his best friend that he hooked up with me and then the whole job knows. And here I am, still closeted and worse...still a virgin. Good luck to you. I'm sure you are braver than I am.
 
Hey Dairyking,
thanks for your post.

I am most certainly not the one, to give any advice, and I just hope, you also find the courage, to come out soon:-)
The turning point for me was a few weeks ago, when some stuff happened, that finally got the wheels in my head turning.

And to say it this way:
Where it really counts for me, I am also still a virgin. And when thinking about it, I just get kind of nervous, but that is another topic;)
 
And suddenly there is a message in the mail, that there was a new reply here ;)

Thank you!

And the timing... Have to say, that almost everything in the last few months went way better then expected.
Got to know a lot of new people, old friends are fine with the outing, family (mother) could be better, but overall, everything is good.


Two weeks ago I met a very nice guy who is just living around the corner.
Do not know, where this is really headed and if it's gonna become something serious, as both of us have our issues, but for the time being I just enjoy being with him;)


Right now I am just wating for a call, so we can go swimming in a nearby lake :mrgreen:
 
You're welcome and I also have to say, thank you for being snoopy, was a very nice evening!
When I am "back home" the next time, I will let you know.

Enjoy your vacation ;)
 
Thanks for your messages with updates and great to hear that all is fine and OK with you and that things went much better then expected.

Even better to hear that you have met a nice guy as well.

Best wishes.
 
Hi and glad to hear that you have came out to your friend. (*8*)
 
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