Let's discuss my feelings on non-monogamy.

[Disturbance]

Hey!

So lately, non-monogamy seems to pop up more and more in my life, either in form of invitations by couples that want me to join in for a night, or my friends talking about it, some of my friends are thinking about making their relationships open.

And I'm fine with that, but I just want no part in it. I was thinking about it, and thoroughly examined my feelings on the matter, and I came to realize, that I would be uncapable of happyness in a non-monogamous relationship.

On the other hand, I might be interested in taking part in threesomes, as long as I'm not in a relationship, but when the opportunity presents itself I always change my mind, because I'm not comfortable with people I don't connect on an emotional level.

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I'm missing something, and I am definitely not crazy over the issue. Sometimes I'm just curious about it but most of the time I'm not.

However I feel somewhat threatened by the seemingly increased amount of poligamy / non-monogamy. I understand that many people find that to be extreemely desirable, and while I am not completely opposed to the idea either, I'm afraid that it will be harder for me to find someone who feels the same way about it.

Thoughts?

 

[aaggii]

People do what they want to and it´s perfectly fine. If it works for them.. which most time doesn´t, but you get my point. I´m with you on this one, I´m in a monogamous relationship myself. My ex wanted to open up, I said no, he ended up fucking different guys anyway. It scared the shit out of me, since we had only got tested a couple of months before so we could stop spending money on condoms. My luck, everything was fine when I got tested again.

Old school or not, I like my partner to be mine.

 

[ElmosToe]

I have quite a bit to say on this, but I think I'll stay out out of this one.

 

[Disturbance]

People do what they want to and it´s perfectly fine. If it works for them.. which most time doesn´t, but you get my point. I´m with you on this one, I´m in a monogamous relationship myself. My ex wanted to open up, I said no, he ended up fucking different guys anyway. It scared the shit out of me, since we had only got tested a couple of months before so we could stop spending money on condoms. My luck, everything was fine when I got tested again.

Old school or not, I like my partner to be mine.

I understand you I think. I have no trouble with people doing what they want, but the overwhelming amount of pro-poligamy publications and the number of people who approve of them scares me. I am insulted by the claim that men are genetically predisposed to be promiscuous, but maybe only because I am the exception to that rule...

I have quite a bit to say on this, but I think I'll stay out out of this one.

Please don't keep your thoughts on the matter away from us.

 

[eastofeden]

Hey!

And I'm fine with that, but I just want no part in it. I was thinking about it, and thoroughly examined my feelings on the matter, and I came to realize, that I would be uncapable of happyness in a non-monogamous relationship.

On the other hand, I might be interested in taking part in threesomes, as long as I'm not in a relationship, but when the opportunity presents itself I always change my mind, because I'm not comfortable with people I don't connect on an emotional level.

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I'm missing something, and I am definitely not crazy over the issue. Sometimes I'm just curious about it but most of the time I'm not.



Thoughts?

I think you answered your own question there...somewhat...but consider this....

I once got an eight page VERY DETAILED marriage proposal from a guy who I fucked sometimes and who brought me flowers and presents quite often...except...he wanted to "marry" me and my lover who I had not even met yet. Years later I realized he had fucked both of us and "knew" we would meet long before we ever met....

It was bizarre at the time and I have to admit I didn't understand it at all...but years later it finally clicked with me what he wanted and if he was still around..might be cool if it worked.

My point....you can plan alot of things in life but there are alot of twists and turns in the road you cannot predict so being open to possibilities isn't such a bad idea. If nothing else...it makes the journey alot more fun to at least consider the possibilities.

 

[aaggii]

I understand you I think. I have no trouble with people doing what they want, but the overwhelming amount of pro-poligamy publications and the number of people who approve of them scares me. I am insulted by the claim that men are genetically predisposed to be promiscuous, but maybe only because I am the exception to that rule...

A lot of people talk about it, a lot of people don´t. It´s the new trend, the whole ¨I´m different, but I fit in with those guys¨ kind of crap. There are studies that show how monogamy is actually the weird thing between the two. Those who can draw a line between sex and love can manage to live a happy life if they find someone who thinks like them. Promiscuity is a worn out concept, just like the sin, or being ashamed. All bullshit from religious cunts. Live and let live, right? Don´t worry thought, there are tons of peeps like you and me.

 

[TX-Beau]

I understand you I think. I have no trouble with people doing what they want, but the overwhelming amount of pro-poligamy publications and the number of people who approve of them scares me. I am insulted by the claim that men are genetically predisposed to be promiscuous, but maybe only because I am the exception to that rule...

People are genetically predisposed to be promiscuous. Straight guys are fucking someone, and it isn't us - no matter how many of us wish it were so. Culture lets men get away with most of it.

There is simply too much fucking going on for us to be genetically exclusive pair-bonders, but whatever, if you don't want to sleep around. Don't. Plenty of people do that too, I don't see why you somehow think that trying to be monogamous makes you different in some way.

Every time I hear a gay man saying what you are saying, I have to point them to the other hundreds of gay men saying the same thing (in here and elsewhere) and say that perhaps y'all should date each other.

Personally, I generally see a hot guy and want to fuck him, rarely do I want to sit down and get to know him. Sometimes I get lucky, sometimes not, like most people. It's completely contrived to say that you must be strictly monogamous if dating (and celibate if not), or the whore of Babylon. Most people are neither.

 

[maxpowr9]

Each person is different and that is why it is paramount in a relationship to discuss those boundaries. Some are fine with "open relationships" whereas others need "monogamy".

This isn't really a cause for debate with JUB as it is one you should be having with your significant other.

 

[luckynumbah7]

This isn't really a cause for debate with JUB as it is one you should be having with your significant other.

Yeah, and there's the rub. Dominant groups usually get antsy when the outliers visibly exist. Also goes against the social narrative here. I don't see anyone complaining in this thread that monogamy is too heavily represented, though, while the opposite certainly isn't true. And that makes no sense as the only thing in the media and 99.9 percent is of socially acceptable monogamous relationships. At the same time culture willfully ignores infidelity, honesty and safer sexual practices. Which people who actually practice non-monogamy tend not to do, at least in my experience.

 

[Seasoned]

The bottom line with this issue is the same as all life's issues. Do what you want to do and don't do what you don't want to do. Don't look to other people for permission. As an adult, you can do that for yourself

 

[darden]

I was always intrigued by the idea of a threesome, but I'm on the same page as you... it's not something I'd want to introduce into a relationship. if it were going to happen, I'd have to be single and with 2 fuck buddies/fwb.

generally I think that I'm too jealous/insecure to handle an open relationship. the only time I seriously considered it was when I was dating a guy with no sex drive, but we ended up breaking up for mostly unrelated reasons (mostly, his inability to make room for me in his life, compounded by the fact that he was in the closet to his family/most friends)

 

[Kulindahr]

Throughout history humans have engaged in various forms of committed relationships. Monogamy dominating isn't surprising, because it keeps relationships simple, which means the community knows better what to expect, so you have better social stability. I don't know how much we can afford to move away from that, but I think it's more than most people would guess -- we just need new legal structures to deal with other forms, whether triads or groups or whatever.

What's important is knowing where you fit, and not betraying that.

 

[Disturbance]

I was always intrigued by the idea of a threesome, but I'm on the same page as you... it's not something I'd want to introduce into a relationship. if it were going to happen, I'd have to be single and with 2 fuck buddies/fwb.

generally I think that I'm too jealous/insecure to handle an open relationship. the only time I seriously considered it was when I was dating a guy with no sex drive, but we ended up breaking up for mostly unrelated reasons (mostly, his inability to make room for me in his life, compounded by the fact that he was in the closet to his family/most friends)

One of the problems I have with this whole topic is that when I honestly speak of my feelings on non-monogamy, I am usually told by someone that my discomfort must come from emotional insecurity or a degree of emotional immaturity.

I don't think I am emotionally insecure ot immature. I think it is insulting that only because I prefer monogamy in a committed realtionship, I am branded an emotionally crippled person.

I have nothing against people who like non-monogamy. Have it their way, but I don't understand why do they have rub my nose in it if I happen to refuse a certain offer they make? Is it not a sign of their emotional insecurity?

 

[Kulindahr]

One of the problems I have with this whole topic is that when I honestly speak of my feelings on non-monogamy, I am usually told by someone that my discomfort must come from emotional insecurity or a degree of emotional immaturity.

I don't think I am emotionally insecure ot immature. I think it is insulting that only because I prefer monogamy in a committed realtionship, I am branded an emotionally crippled person.

I have nothing against people who like non-monogamy. Have it their way, but I don't understand why do they have rub my nose in it if I happen to refuse a certain offer they make? Is it not a sign of their emotional insecurity?

Well said. Different people have different inclinations in this regard, as with many other life matters. I've argued energetically in favor of non-monogamy in the past, but most frequently so because people were maintaining that anything other than monogamy was unfaithfulness. But faithfulness isn't measured by ideology, it's measured by the commitment people have made; if that commitment allows for some degree of openness then adhering to that degree really is faithfulness.

And yes, I'd agree that emotional insecurity may well be a factor in people who have a problem with the way other people do their relationships. But people own themselves, so they're perfectly free to define their relationships as they please.

 

[TX-Beau]

I've never seen someone called emotionally insecure or immature simply for stating a preference for monogamy. I've seen people called that for being irrationally possessive, jealous, and suspicious though.

 

[Disturbance]

I've never seen someone called emotionally insecure or immature simply for stating a preference for monogamy. I've seen people called that for being irrationally possessive, jealous, and suspicious though.

I have. I have witnessed/took part some really heated debates about it too.

I think people should mind their own bussiness in this regard, because sometimes their opinion is so irrelevant and untrue (yet insulting at the same time).

 

[Kulindahr]

I've never seen someone called emotionally insecure or immature simply for stating a preference for monogamy. I've seen people called that for being irrationally possessive, jealous, and suspicious though.

A preference for themselves, no, but here on JUB we've seen expressions of the conviction that everyone has to conform to monogamy, practically claiming that if we all don't, then all relationships are threatened.


Now why does that argument seem familiar???

 

[mcbrion]

If someone suggests you are insecure for wanting a monogamous relationship, ignore them. Don't even THINK about what they're saying. People are non-monogamous, as well as monogamous for many reasons, and some of them come from their upbringing. People who saw dad cheat on mom and how hurt mom was, vow to never let anyone do that to them, so they hedge their bets by not investing fully in one person. That way they cannot be hurt. For some people, they are incapable of bonding (emotional bonding) and so, their primary method of connection is sexual, although they may have a lover.
The point is, unless you know the people saying these things online or in person, you have no idea of the motive behind their proclamation.
There are, in Buddhism, 5 steps of enlightenment and the 3rd one is: listen to the content of the message. the 4th one is: listen to the reason BENEATH the content. In other words, why are they saying these things to you? What is their motive.
You need not internalize. You also need to consider that those who most loudly proclaim that monogamy is dead and that those who practice it are "insecure", are perhaps themselves unable to connect monogamously (for normal - or pathological - reasons) and cannot comprehend how it could be normal for a person to be with one person for a lifetime. This goes hand in hand with the absurd statement I see so often: your passion for another dies after 5 or 10 or 15 years. This is utter nonsense, although it doesn't help that celebrities (that oh-so-stable lot of neurotic personalities) have their foolish pronouncements picked up and passed across the Internet. (Few people are more neurotic than actors.)
Stop listening to the chorus, unless you actually KNOW these people. Remember, these are people sitting at a computer screen, pontificating about what's normal and what's not. I'm as disinclined to listen to them as I was 60 years ago, when people told me that my being Black made me inferior (and the chorus was deafening). If I had believed them, I'd be so full of hate and bitterness, my life now would be dark and lonely. Fortunately, I looked at THEM, and thought to myself, why is it so important that they make me feel "less than"? This is what you are encountering. And the younger you are - especially in the Internet age - the more sheer volume of intrusive statements you will have to endure. You do not know these people. Why do you give ANY validity to their statements??? DO NOT. And surround yourself with wise people, who can validate you, not invalidate you.

 

[Kulindahr]

There are, in Buddhism, 5 steps of enlightenment and the 3rd one is: listen to the content of the message. the 4th one is: listen to the reason BENEATH the content.

Totally off-topic, but once again I am reminded that fundamentalist Christians could use a serious dose of Buddhism.

 

[Disturbance]

If someone suggests you are insecure for wanting a monogamous relationship, ignore them. Don't even THINK about what they're saying. People are non-monogamous, as well as monogamous for many reasons, and some of them come from their upbringing. People who saw dad cheat on mom and how hurt mom was, vow to never let anyone do that to them, so they hedge their bets by not investing fully in one person. That way they cannot be hurt. For some people, they are incapable of bonding (emotional bonding) and so, their primary method of connection is sexual, although they may have a lover.
The point is, unless you know the people saying these things online or in person, you have no idea of the motive behind their proclamation.
There are, in Buddhism, 5 steps of enlightenment and the 3rd one is: listen to the content of the message. the 4th one is: listen to the reason BENEATH the content. In other words, why are they saying these things to you? What is their motive.
You need not internalize. You also need to consider that those who most loudly proclaim that monogamy is dead and that those who practice it are "insecure", are perhaps themselves unable to connect monogamously (for normal - or pathological - reasons) and cannot comprehend how it could be normal for a person to be with one person for a lifetime. This goes hand in hand with the absurd statement I see so often: your passion for another dies after 5 or 10 or 15 years. This is utter nonsense, although it doesn't help that celebrities (that oh-so-stable lot of neurotic personalities) have their foolish pronouncements picked up and passed across the Internet. (Few people are more neurotic than actors.)
Stop listening to the chorus, unless you actually KNOW these people. Remember, these are people sitting at a computer screen, pontificating about what's normal and what's not. I'm as disinclined to listen to them as I was 60 years ago, when people told me that my being Black made me inferior (and the chorus was deafening). If I had believed them, I'd be so full of hate and bitterness, my life now would be dark and lonely. Fortunately, I looked at THEM, and thought to myself, why is it so important that they make me feel "less than"? This is what you are encountering. And the younger you are - especially in the Internet age - the more sheer volume of intrusive statements you will have to endure. You do not know these people. Why do you give ANY validity to their statements??? DO NOT. And surround yourself with wise people, who can validate you, not invalidate you.

Thanks for your answer. You make a lot of sense, and you are right. I gave people too much credit simply for expressing their opinion... I should concern myself with the opinions of people who matter to me.

There are many doubts in my head that were planted there by people I can't even remember.
I doubt that I will ever be a capable parent because I'm gay, I doubt men's ability to be faitful, I doubt myself all the time...with no basis to theese doubts.

Maybe I should listen to the truth of the matters and not the philosophy surrounding them.