Like he'd been erased...

[bwbw86]

I just watched Mysterious skin. It was tough. My childhood was somewhat like Neil's and Brian's.

But I guess I never know. A lot of you write on here about your first time experiences in a positive light, even at very young and supposedly innocent ages. When I look back on my experience, I feel hollow.

I wonder if I'm only making too big a deal out of the whole thing. For one, I'd always remembered the person who did this to me to be much older. I remembered that I was very young and that I liked doing it. That my parents spanked me when they caught us and that we were still allowed to hang out.

Supposedly this guy is really only a few years older. But does it matter? I believe that my innocence was stolen from me. Things that I should have never known or done were brought upon me. And am I wrong for liking it at the time? Was I just a dirty little kid? I mean...I didn't want to be one.

One part in the movie struck me as really interesting, when Neil remembers what happened between him, Brian and the coach. He recalls that after it was over, Brian looked like he'd been erased. That's what I still feel like, like a part of me has been erased. Something that I can't ever get back.

I wonder why my parents let me continue to hang out with this guy. I wonder why I was punished before I was protected. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm wrong too.

 

[JackFTwist]

wow

that is a tough movie to relate to that way -

who knows why parents screw up -

you were not wrong for liking it - yes you were a young kid that shit was forced onto, but that does not make you dirty that you liked it or anything else - just that wrong was done to you, yes your innocence was taken unfairly - you are not in the wrong

damn I wish I could give you a hug and say its going to be a rough night and couple days after seeing that movie since it hit those types of chords with you but hang in friend, hang in -

the real you is always there, it has not been erased -

damn I am aching for you right now and wishing I knew something better to say

 

[luminum]

I don't know how much older he was, but regardless, children are able to feel pleasure and the fact that you liked doing it as a child says nothing about you or your character. He shouldn't have done it, though if he was about your age (which you recall he wasn't) then it's understandable because children experiment. Ad when children experiment, they typically enjoy it and it says nothing about their innocence, their virtue, or the kind of people they are.

If he was much older, like in his teens while you were still in your early years) then your parents should have never allowed him to stay in contact with you.

I'm sorry this happened to you. But just know that enjoying it when you were a child does not make you 'dirty' nor does it mean you gave up your innocence.

 

[texpatriot]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, I saw Mysterious Skin too. More over a year ago, maybe longer.

It definately was uncomfortable to watch. There are images within that movie that I still cannot get out of my mind.

While watching that movie, I had flash backs of similiar experiences with my Step-Grandpa. Heavy razor stubble and beer breath takes me back to those experiences as well.

When my Grandmother found out what he had been doing to me, and some of my male cousins, she knocked his ass out cold with a #10 iron skillet!

I've seen the affects of this type of abuse on friends, and past lovers.

As children we expect our parents, and authority figures to look after us, and to protect us.

Some of what they experienced, and it sounds like you're experiencing, is betrayel.

You're old enough now to ask some questions, and to understand what was happening to you then.

I wish you all the best in working through these feelings.

I got professional help. It worked for me, because I was able to have my feelings about this issue validated.

Avoid the temptation to blame yourself. You did nothing wrong.

But don't allow yourself to become a victim of it. Don't give them the power over your life that was taken away in your youth.

 

[bwbw86]

thanks everyone. i plan to go to counseling very soon because my new job will pay for it!

 

[tonysw]

Darling boy, that should never have happened to you. People are valuable, children are valuable and they should all be protected and kept away from harm.

I totally agree with Texpatriot. When you get professional assistance try to find someone who knows something about this area and has had experience with it.

I have had much dealing with people in this area, quite apart from my own experiences. I can understand what you are feeling and what path you are preparing to walk down. Maybe the practitioner you see may think that you should have other people to debrief with. These can come from your own environment or you may chose someone on JUB. I have worked in this area and have been a support person to others. There appear to be many here on JUB with the experience and maturity to also take on that role.

I encourage you to keep going forward, as that is the only way to get out the other side to freedom from the past. It may hurt for a season, but Spring will come.

Warmest Regards,
Tonysw.

 

[bwbw86]

I found out he was four years older. But I don't know when it happened exactly. Maybe when i was 10...maybe younger.

But I found the fucker on myspace. Ugh I hate him.