Like someone, what now?

[rareboy]

Just keep lightening up.

 

[hanshansen]

There was a clarifying txt exchange (to the extent that txts can clarify) since, of course, on Saturday we were both a little hammered. We're gonna talk about this over wine when I get back. Oh well, I've come this far and survived .

 

[hanshansen]

We finally talked this week over dinner and drinks before going to the 'AA' gay support group. I got the answer I (should have) expected, that he has too much stuff going on in his life and doesn't want to get into anything at the moment ... Now he knows how I feel, I said he should let me know if he reconsidered, and he didn't seem averse to that ... but for the time being I have closure.

He's in his mid-30s whereas I'm not even 30 and I guess I underestimated what that means: I think for him all the psychological forces unleashed by his coming out are a huge intrusion on a life heading into mid-career, whereas a year or two ago I made the conscious decision to limit my professional responsibilities and to focus on getting my personal life under control, because that's where I saw the big pay-offs (professional and otherwise) in the long run.

All things considered I'm very glad I did this. It got me out of 'crush' territory into reality ... I've spent a long time thinking what it would actually mean for me to get involved with this person, what sacrifices I'd be willing to make, what I'm actually looking for. It meant I was able to talk to him about a whole lot of things without feeling like I had hidden agendas. It felt good to take control of a tricky situation and not have it go off the rails.

It is hard to have to face the prospect of continuing to be single, to scale back my expectations and continue to patiently build a friendship with him. I'll probably see him next when he comes to a house party I'm giving in a week's time.

He's a truly great guy, he's friendly and genuine and open and grown-up and totally puts me at ease.

I see my friends who are in relationships and at the drop of a hat they can decide to go out for dinner or do whatever, they've got each other at night, they don't have to care what impression they make on each other, they're there to make each others' lives a little more bearable. That's sort of what I'm missing, and would be willing to make sacrifices for.

I guess that's one of the last things I need to learn, to be able to deal with stress without that crutch. I have been under massive stress (mainly work-related) in the last two weeks. It's like you are in this constant state of holding your shoulders back and sucking your stomach in and when you get home you'd like someone there to massage the tension out of you (literally and figuratively).

Someone said to me a while back, 'you are your own best friend'. I dismissed that at the time. But I guess you can choose to be your own critic/censor, or your best friend, as the situation requires ... I haven't yet learned how to let it all hang out at night, so to speak, so that I can sleep and be in control during the day.

I've realised that the 'AA' group we both go to is hugely important to me. As he said to me the other day, it's this safe haven that you can count on every two weeks. On good days, like this week (when only the regular members are there, it's a small group, and we just chat about random stuff) it's possibly the one social environment (gay or hetero) where I feel totally at ease with all parts of myself. That's why I had to resolve things with him, as well, so that I'd continue to feel comfortable in that group with him there. That the group has turned out that way is a huge stroke of good fortune, it's because of the guy who runs it and the people who keep going to it and all that could have been different.

Sorry, unfortunately I still prefer talking to strangers on line to talking to myself in the dark .

 

[hanshansen]

Here's another reason for not wanting to be single: when you're attached, you don't have to go to parties in order to 'meet people', and when you do go, you can avoid annoying single people.

I have just come home from a truly awful housewarming party. It was awful because I had to deal with two of the most obnoxious people I have ever come across. One was this overweight, desperate woman who hid her insecurity behind pushiness and spent much of the evening blatantly hitting on me and other people there. The other was much, much worse than her, a conceited bastard, a radiologist who I had to share a cab home with. He was basically goading the taxi driver, a Moroccan, talking crap about Western and Eastern values and asking the driver why he didn't like living in this country in the most insinuating tone of voice. He admitted after we got out of the cab that he was just having fun. Arsehole.

But that's not really what this post is about. It's about how I dealt with these people. With the woman, I was reasonably friendly for a long, long time (she was constantly tagging along). Eventually I moved away from her a little more, then I shifted to another group, then my facial expression must have grown a lot colder, because by the end of the evening she was certainly not touchy-feely any more. Other people started complaining about her and then I complained too. In the taxi, I sat there listening to this garbage, first with a poker face, then wincing (I don't know if the driver saw this through the mirror), then after at least five minutes I got out with a joking remark that I had to bail and leave them to it. I said a coolish goodbye to the bastard, again in a kind of joking tone, and pretty much fled.

That's how I fucking deal with these kinds of situations all the time. The other night the guy who's the subject of this thread was talking about new colleagues of his (he's changed jobs) who make offensive homophobic jokes all the time (they don't know that he's gay). He wasn't sure how to handle it, but he definitely wanted it to make it end. Who knows how I would have dealt with that situation. Probably not by confronting the people involved in any direct way. I pretty much take it for granted that people won't make homophobic remarks, and hope that they will understand that indirectly, through the 'vibe' I project. A few weeks ago, we were talking in the 'AA' group about a local policy initiative which aims to deter vandals by making them wear pink vests. I equivocated and defended the policy in all kinds of ways, I don't know why, I had other things on my mind, it was like I was on autopilot.

I'm conflict shy. I use indirect methods to show people I don't like them, while mouthing polite platitudes. I don't feel like a pushover because I have my own strong views about things. But in real-time situations I don't stand up to pushy people or to authority except in what must be a really passive-aggressive way.

What a horrible evening. And it's 3.30 a.m. I could have risked offending some people by going home earlier, and slept.

 

[hanshansen]

So now I have total closure. He admitted to me tonight that he just wasn't attracted to me in that way. He felt so bad about it. Fuck, he had even started questioning whether he was gay.

I am very drunk and in tears at the moment. No doubt I will get over it. I want to stay friends with him, he's a very cool guy. But at the moment I just don't know what the way forward is going to look like.

 

[KaraBulut]

But at the moment I just don't know what the way forward is going to look like.

It looks just like yesterday and the day before.

 

[hanshansen]

It looks just like yesterday and the day before.

Well, not exactly, since I had a possibility on the horizon that's no longer there ... but basically yes.

I will say one thing. There are so many threads on this forum by people who like somebody and never do anything about it. Yes, this is massively painful, but I don't regret a single choice that I've made. I've met somebody who I do click with on very many levels, just unfortunately not on 'that' level ... I can still see him joining a very small number of best friends. I think us talking through all this stuff has helped not hindered that. I would never have found it out if I had sat on my hands.

You have to be up front with people. The truth is there whether you face up to it or not. And something good will always come out of it if you respect the person you're dealing with.

 

[hanshansen]

Things are going to be OK, I think ...

I just realised in the last few hours that the things I value about this guy specifically (separate from the circumstantial fact that he is in a similar headspace to me w/ regard to gay issues) - that he's totally genuine, trustworthy, caring, has had a whole lot of interesting experiences that I haven't had, is a lot of fun to talk to, and so on - may be things I'd look for in a partner, but they're also things I look for in my friends, and he doesn't need to be my partner for me to continue to enjoy those qualities in him.

And he seems to see similar qualities in me, which makes me feel good about myself and want to do good things.

All of this has really only come to the fore this weekend as we've had to nut all this shit out.

Friends like that - assuming I'm right about the situation - are a wonderful thing to have and it doesn't happen often. The only other friend I have like that who I actually made myself (as opposed to family friends who've known me since childhood) is an ex-housemate, and that took a year and him moving out (he wasn't easy to live with).

 

[hanshansen]

Damn. This is still bothering me in the early mornings.

And now I know why. X got me over so many fears (in relation to coming out more, opening up to emotions, risking humiliation in bed etc.). There was the motivation to work through them and the trust that it would be worth it.

Turns out the fears are still there to be worked through. Not a pleasant prospect.

I guess at some point the trust and the motivation will return in relation to someone else. In the mean time, at least I now have more mental space to focus on work (where there are a lot of gains to be made).

 

[hanshansen]

And it would be the king of ironies if turned out that a major reason I felt so at ease with X was that there was no sexual chemistry -> like my straight friends -> non-threatening. F*ck.

 

[hanshansen]

This is as good a place to post this as any.

I've had about four threads going on here in the past 6 months or so.

One is this thread.
One is a thread about a guy who, let's say, initiated me into sexual experiences before I really knew him.
One is a thread about issues I've had with colleagues at work (thread has been deleted for sensitivity reasons).
One is really a collection of threads about my socialisation/coming out issues.

On all four fronts things have in some ways not turned out as I'd expected, but they are, all things considered, pretty good.

I caught up with the guy I've been talking about in this thread last night and had a great time. He is totally easy to be around, there is no tension, we are becoming close friends.
I caught up with the guy from the other thread and some friends of his last Friday and had a really good time, as well. I'm going on an island vacation with him and some other friends in a couple of weeks. I was worried that there might be baggage but based on the Friday, there isn't. He and his friends are easy and fun to be around.
I dealt with my work problems in a proactive way and resolved them. Everything is on track at the office.
Last night I sent out an invite to an Octoberfest party to pretty much all my friends, the straight ones and the gay ones. It should be a good night. In general I know that I am gradually mellowing out.

So why TF have I spent the last night lying awake wracked with physical and emotional pain, unable to get guy 1 out of my head, obsessing like a broken record over whether my invite was stupid, wondering what people were thinking about what I might be getting up to on the island (in all likelihood I won't be), and in general feeling lonely and frustrated and inadequate?

Where do these bouts of anxiety/depression/obsessiveness come from? My life is busy, I can't afford to have them. I now have to go to work totally underslept.

I mean sure, things aren't perfect and my life is still a work in progress but there is nothing to justify that kind of response.

Is it just a matter of being patient as everything continues to work itself out? Do I need to see an analyst? Should I do NLP? One of the reasons I like to run is that it trains my mind and my body to calm down when under pressure. Why am I unable to use that at nights?