Living Life as a Gay Dude

[Ronove]

You know lately I have been feeling weird about finally admitting to myself that I'm gay. I started admitting it and seeing dudes a year ago versus just being someone guys hit on because there in the closet and trust me to explore their feelings. Other gay dudes just know sometimes. But despite how painfully obvious it must be considering how few girlfriends I have, almost all of my friends do not actually think I am gay. I mean, surely it would not be an unfathomable surprise if I just told -everyone- but I am reluctant to do so.

I am 21 and today goin fishing with my buddies I just had the weirdest urge to just scream it out and get so intense and be just completely uncensored in expressing my feelings. I was so tired of talking about what girls were hot this week, who got their dick sucked by who, and who they can try and fix me up with. It seems unnecessary to explain why personally I want to keep it a secret, we all know its because we dont want our friendships to change. Even though who I am to them now is their friend, I am still worried that I wont be the same person in their eyes for better or worse it scares me. I saw a really cute movie, Shelter, and it helped me figure out why I hate hookups so much because after so much time not being myself I just want to have some passion with someone.

I cant use hookup sites anymore to just dump my feelings on someone then move on cause I wasnt very interested in them. Then I realize the folly that I cannot just be who I have always been and expect to meet anyone I could care about. Closet cases that want love and snuggles are nice but my experience is that they terrified or being gay. I used to, felt better, and now am feeling it again. It sucks to feel like the coming out process is tending to reverse in my case and I would rather keep the status quo.

It is just because I am so close with my friends emotionally. Im kind of out there and everyone eccentric friend but the multitudes of people who put aside all posturing just to be themselves with me is amazing. It seems like every night I have some other guy sleeping in my bed telling me their feelings and in my covers and yet it is confusing in frustrating because I know they arent gay, at all, and if they thought I was people wouldnt trust me like that anymore. I have never made a move on anyone I am very strong about being a good friend to everyone but it is taking too much from me and it cant always come from me. I need some support and need to learn how to live for myself but it seems to hard.

It seems like just being completely out would force me to be myself and may be helpful but I just cannot see through to that course of life. At least 2 of my closest buddies made a move on me and now we do not speak in the least bit and it was so terrible and they are both with girls now but never have sex with them and everyone knows it and thinks there miserable. I blame myself for not being there for them just because I was too afraid to come to terms with myself and now they just cant get their lives together. I was broken by the world too but Im glad to think now I am a little out of the pit of despair.

I just wish one day I could have someone to chill with around my friends but I am scared I will never get there, and instead will keep my emotions bottled up, get on a hookup site and fuck for 3 days straight with someone who falls for me, and then kick them to the curb. I wish it wasnt so hard, is that so wrong? I want to fall in love and have my crazy best friend back and own this place but instead im just keeping myself alone for no good reasons just fear. My family will never care for him sadly, so I need my friends to and I dont know how to get there.

Anyways just my 42 cents. All my life Ive played parts of the musician, the intellectual, the thug, the frat boy, the surfer kid, the nerd, the wet blanket, and now I just want to be me but I dont think after so many years of outright lies about who I actually am I am so afraid I dont know how to be myself anymore. No real question just maybe if anyone reads this tl;dr nightmare of self-pity and has any insights to share I appreciate it so much. You guys are all so much better than me at being who you are and expressing yourselves I would have never come to terms with being gay had it not been for the noticable above-average intellect curve gay dudes have. I probably wouldnt be alive and now at least I can feel something when I look in another guy's eyes and put my head on his shoulder as opposed to feeling bad/guilty or feeling nothing.

 

[crzyrazn]

I understand how you must be feeling as I too struggle with the same insecurity of identifying as gay. I think that the persona we put forth to conceal our true feelings at some point begins to take on a viability of its own. When the time comes when the stirrings of our first identity seeks to fulfill itself, these two natures inevitably come into conflict. Your desire now to accept yourself is the first identity seeking its development in light of your own physical and mental maturity. This is a time when the emotional uncertainty of your adolescence, which heretofore could not accept your first nature due to fear of social adversity and stigma, is coming into its own, along with its physical and mental counterparts, and its a strange and powerful new voice. However, the persona you have continually had to present to protect yourself is threatened, and it can be devastating, because it is not willing to go, it will fight.

No, you don't want anything to change. That is only human nature to keep what it knows, what it is sure is safe. But that is not the natural order of things, in fact, it is unnatural. The doubts that are playing out in your mind is that second persona, telling you the first persona, the one you truly are, is unknown, therefore, unsafe. Yes, things will change, must change. That fear of change is unreasonable, illogical, because we know that to progress, sometimes even to live, we must change. Even friendship. Your friends will live their lives to the fullest, will find happiness, will find love. And that will change them, and they will never be the same. They won't even remain the same in your eyes. But you, what will you do? Continue to hope that things never change and remain alone with yourself and your fears and your doubts? But I will tell you what never changes, and that is the truth. The truth of who you really are, if you seek it.

If the bonds between you and your friends are as strong as you say, than they connected not with the part of you that is the lie, but with the part of you that is good and true, that never changes either, because it is who you are. If they feel that because they didn't know the part of you which is gay, they didn't know you and can't trust who you are, than they never saw you for who you truly are, which is more than your sexuality, and were never truly your friend. Stop thinking about others, and begin to think about yourself and what you want and need and feel.

Why does being out have to sound like trumpets blaring when one enters a room? Being out does not mean you paint it in the sky to everyone who passes by, but by being who you are with our fear and content with yourself, true and honest to others if only in a quiet and understanding way. Maybe you can not see it because you are, idiomatically speaking, not seeing the forest for the trees. These two friends you speak of, wouldn't that be what you especially sought? Connection and support from the very relationships you desire it, your friendships?

Maybe we make this reality more complicated than it has to be. I don't know. Your circumstances, however, are different from mine, so I can never truly know your plight. I just think that it is sad that we let our second natures replace our true selves, and become something else, something that is not good, and not happy, and can never be any of these things. When it is ever so tempting to give up the lie, but the lie can never give us up.

 

[Lube]

To be completely honest, it sounds like at least half your friends are gay and closeted, too. In bed with you, pouring their hearts out? Overcompensating and talking about hot chicks.

Just come out and I bet no one will really care and none of your friendships will change.

And for god's sake please Have a chat with the two friends who came on to you and tell them they weren't crazy for what they did. You owe them at least that much.

Good luck.

 

[Ronove]

Haha you would think they would be all closet cases but ive always thought its just a new age cultural revisiting of free love minus the sex, and im trying to b part of it. If they werent exclusively straight i would love to dream that all these kids actually liked me but im not that ego crazy. Those 2 kids are so near and dear to me but only in a prison of memories. I seriously doubt they would talk to me let alone listen to me trying to convince them I had feelings for them. Its sad, I cry about it sometimes.

Anyways thanks for the advice it really helps. I guess I just irrationally fear the shitstorm of consequences headed my way no matter how rationally I try to frame it. Maybe though, one step removed from that is how I feel Im holding out to find someone in order to b more comfortable doing this whole thing. If I had someone I cared about enough I would love to take their hand and make a leap of faith, but I worry my lifestyle wont put me in the position to meet people.

So I guess I still have to change somehow. It just sucks so hard I see some of my gay friends doing so well in life and on their shit and making art and Im just like wtf how was this so easy for you? I dont know but it seems like sexuality is a topic on my mind all hours of the day just thinking about it, how I feel, what I want, and how I feel about not getting what I need. There is one guy I met who was perfect and we hit it off so good but I pulled away cause I wasnt happy with myself but were still like friends on facebook and I check up on his shit all the time.

Hes really awesome at the shit he does and is what I see myself being able to do if I can work out how to express my confidence as opposed to transcending the mask of lies and becoming the lie. I know I would have to really be ok with myself I wouldnt wanna hurt him or freak him out I just want to be his friend so bad I want him to tell me how he did it but I have to take that leap first and be ok with propositioning someone who everyone knows is gay. Doesnt help hes on internship for the summer but I would die to get to meet this kid we spent weeks writing huge expanses of text to each other so I know hes interested I just want to not miss this chance if I havent already.

 

[Lube]

Hey, I was in denial for over 40 years. You're already ahead of me--you've at least admitted to yourself you're gay. You have out gay friends. No, it wasn't easy for them; it's always hard at first. But you have gay friends, so you'd have a support group.

Coming out is like a breath of fresh air. It doesn't solve all your problems, but it does help prevent wasting time on non-problems, like whether people think you're gay or not.

You want a hard coming out? Try being married to a woman for over a decade and then trying to explain you're gay. You've got it easy, my friend!

 

[Rolyo85]

Being gay - not overcompensating issues-hiding insecurely flamboyant gay, or "private" gay-bar-hating and gay-culture-denying gay, but truly, completely confident in yourself and embracing gay culture without being desperate to fit in every aspect of it - man, that's a long sentence that I'm completely unnecessary complicating even further - is the best thing in the world. Straight guys have not even the tenth of the confidence that a gay man fully comfortable with himself has.

 

[Lube]

Straight guys have not even the tenth of the confidence that a gay man fully comfortable with himself has.

quoted for truth. Seriously.

 

[bankside]

It's not about worrying whether a friendship will change. It's worrying whether a friendship is real.

That requires some honesty, and some willingness to say "fuck it" if people can't handle reality.

 

[Rolyo85]

It's not about worrying whether a friendship will change. It's worrying whether a friendship is real.

Wow, I've never heard it put better! Stealing it!

 

[Kyanimal]

I just want to be his friend so bad I want him to tell me how he did it but I have to take that leap first and be ok with propositioning someone who everyone knows is gay.

First of all, You don't have to proposition anyone in order to have a Heart-to-Heart with them. Coming out to someone does not equal, "Hey, I want to play with you!" (Even though you might.) Gay does not equal promiscuous.

Even though you know they are gay, that doesn't mean they'll want to play with You when you come out to them, either. (Though they might.) And, you'll have to be ready to respect that, just as you likely hope they will respect your wishes, too.

I will not bore you with my own story of how long I acted as Society expected, while hiding my own internal wishes and urges. Let me just say that once I finally, fully, accepted myself, and let down my ever so carefully crafted defenses/denials, I was so surprisingly relieved, and astounded that I didn't have the balls to do it SO much sooner!

I didn't come out waving flags, suddenly wearing rainbows, or skipping everywhere I went. I simply continued being myself, but no longer actively trying to 'cover' who I Really was/am. Too most, it was no big deal! In fact, most were not all that surprised, any way. And, many already 'suspected', which just went to prove that I wasn't as crafty as I'd thought, and they knew me better than I thought they did.

The very few that became 'uneasy' were not all that close to begin with, and proved not to be even the 'marginal' friends that I thought they were. And, that turned out to be O.K. for all of us, and we continued along our separate ways with no hard feelings. In fact, I still talk to some of those now and then.

What I discovered was that I was the one having the most trouble accepting Me! And, I also discovered the wisdom in Dr. Seuss's quote, "Those that matter won't mind, and those that mind won't matter."

SO ... Relax! Follow Your Heart! And, leave the loathing/fear behind! Not seemingly that easy until you actually DO It!

Of course ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[ThickAndCreamy]

I can't really say much that hasn't been said already, but the best thing you can do is, and I know it's a very common thing said but, but yourself. It's hard to overcome such an obstacle, to come out and tell people, everyone, but it's worthwhile. I remember living the life as a closet, pretending to be someone I'm not. It's difficult not to let just one thing slip that might give you away, and it's stressful. It may hurt, and it may be painful to do so but in the long run: the sooner the better.

I wish you all the luck, we've all been through it.

 

[MindBlast]

I'm not really sure how I did it. I was a nobody in high school, but I played on the rugby team. One day, I just said, "you know what, fuck it!" and I just told the guys I was gay. I'm very rough around the edges by nature though, and nobody had suspected it. I got a few questions, but nothing malicious. That came from the girls later, but none of them dared mess with me.

All of a sudden I was this popular guy. Maybe because people could see I was comfortable in my skin. My self confidence was bordering on cocky. It was like being intoxicated with feelings and hormones all at once. I have no real way to describe clearly how it felt being out. All I know is that it made things better for me, even if they were worse for a couple of weeks.

You also find out who's a real friend and who's a fake friend. I only lost one "friend" and he was a douchebag anyways. His girlfriend also dumped him when she found out the way he talked to me. Fake friends aren't worth your effort trying to keep, and they're not worth the pain of staying in the closet. Fuck that shit.

 

[drewthesaltyboy]

People envy confidence. Coming out, especially if you're very macho machismo, is the ultimate display of confidence. Believe it or not, the true friends will respect you more and the fake one's will leave.

 

[genthree]

It will all gradually unfold, but you must not knock back your friends who make a move on you, it confuses them and complicates your situation, at least give them some understanding and leave the door ajar.