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Loneliness/stress leading to same-sex attraction

N

NongreasySweatproof

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This is more directed toward the guys who can be attracted to both men and women. When I'm happily in a relationship, feeling relaxed, and have time to spend with my friends, my attraction is strongly toward women. When I'm stressed, lonely, and above all, not interacting with a whole lot of people for weeks at a time is when I start craving both emotional and physical closeness with other men. I think that's why I never develop crushes on my close guy friends, because when we spend enough time together, my yearning to be close to other males goes away. My attraction is especially toward guys that I see on their own (rather than in groups), as it magnifies the loneliness of our individual existence, and makes me think that there's another guy out there just like me. Does this sound familiar to anyone else here? I hope this doesn't sound repetitive or too similar to things I've written in the past. It's a slightly different spin on things I've written before, at least.
 
Makes sense to me too. It's sort of like you have to go for what's around you, at some point. And if it's guys, well.... Sometimes it's not so bad being on both teams.
 
Sounds like what I live through. Maybe we're not so unique?(!)
 
This is so interesting. While it's not common, it's not unheard of either. It's not quite known why this happens (that's comforting, isn't it?). The best you can do, if you're interested in analyzing this, is do some deep reflection about what it is about men that comforts you in time of stress. Does it tie into something in your past? Does the type of stress matter?

Good luck. One thing is for sure--you aren't alone!
 
I think every human craves love and attention. We're social beings after all. It sounds like you just want to know that others feel the same way you do. You sound str8 to me (although how you found your way onto a gay forum I'll never know). I think it is just natural to want to feel close to others versus alone in this world. I've wanted to be held by a woman before. But I'm not str8 or even bi. I just enjoyed the touch of another human being.
 
Yeah, touch is important. Not just between mates, but among friends, a hug, a pat on the back, a ruffling of the hair, or a gripping of the shoulder once in a while can all feel really good. It's hard to describe. Our society is kind of touch-phobic, though, and physical closeness is always a bit awkward amongst guys.

For me, when women are unavailable, men become sort of an emotional "safety net" (though it's a different sort of thing--far less intimate, but still supportive in a different way) but as I grow older, it's becoming harder and harder to keep close male friends. Maybe it's biological, or maybe it's due to our culture, but things are set up in a way that it's really easy for young guys to be close to each other, but not so much for older guys. Maybe the way men are also adds to the greater instability of many gay relationships.
 
What? We must have different guy friends. I actually am closer to my male friends now than when I was in HS. Part of that is on my part for sure. And where's the data to support that gay relationships are more unstable than hetero relationships? Last I checked, divorce is pretty dang high. Maybe it is the company you are keeping but I don't think it is a general rule you are applying here.
 
Hey, I guess it's not as bad as it sounds. I was having a bad afternoon. Now that I think of it, I'm still really close with my high school buddies, and two of my better college friends. We just don't see each other so often because of work and because of distance. I guess my only complaint is the nature of my work (I can't say what it is I do), which is VERY socially isolating at the moment. But it's only temporary, gosh darn it! Jockboy, you sound like a very sensible individual, and an all-around good guy. I always appreciate hearing your comments. Peace.
 
You should be careful about determining the causality here. Do you crave men when you're bummed/stressed out or do you just get bummed/stressed when you find yourself craving men? I'm not saying it's one way or the other, but it's worth thinking about what's causing what. There are lots of guys whose guilt in same sex attraction manifests itself in depressed, angsty feelings.
 
I think everyone is born lonely, and that's why we always want to find another person to cast loneliness away.
 
I would very much agree with you that it is increasingly difficult to keep male friends as you mature. Obviously, there is a cultural element. And there is professional life, relationships, or hunting for sex, maintainance of all the free time toys, we have amassed over the years. There sometimes your own ageing parents, who must be taken care of and the list just rolls on. I see this to be one of the sad facts of life.

Another fact of life is that you may choose to have m2m sex without any emotional involvement and without wasting much time and resources on getting there very quickly. At times of high stress, very little time/resources at your hands, this appears to be a far more practical alternative.

SC
 
I second that about it being harder to spend time with friends as you get older.

Firstly, everyone disperses after college to different places. Then, if you live in a big city, work and commuting and all that damn traffic work against getting together regularly.

Then there is family (I have about as many straight friends as gay friends). Couples also tend to hang with couples, gay or straight.

Then, too, I feel the need for hanging with friends decreases as I get older. I'm told that is normal as long as you keep a few REALLY CLOSE friends.
 
drhladnjak said:
You should be careful about determining the causality here. Do you crave men when you're bummed/stressed out or do you just get bummed/stressed when you find yourself craving men? I'm not saying it's one way or the other, but it's worth thinking about what's causing what. There are lots of guys whose guilt in same sex attraction manifests itself in depressed, angsty feelings.
Click to expand...

I would be lying if I insisted that I'm completely unfazed by my being attracted to guys (though I try not to be, and try to see it as something of neutral value). But I'm pretty self-aware, in general, about my emotions and thoughts, and if there's an external cause for my distress, I can usually identify it. And right now, there is a very specific, career-related situation that's pretty much shaping my attitude on things during most of my waking hours.
 
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