Hey guys it's me again, the 31 yo eternal virgin from some other thread.
These days I feel worse again... my therapist is on holidays and everyone is on holidays but me cos I don't fucking know *anyone* to spend my holidays with.
And I don't wanna go with my mum all the time.
It's finally summer now here after weeks of rain, people are outside all through the night and I am walking alone between them, heading for nothing.
I'm full of anger again, blaming society for making me lonely, blaming fate, god, whatever... blaming myself too - or better - things about myself that I can't or don't want to change.
Accusing me for not being perfect (acne, erection problems, glasses, etc), afraid of the life that will come (will begin to work for the first time soon and I'm very very scared about work life, about losing my individual personality and private life - or better - even less chance to get a private life, I feel it as the absolute end of all my chances to find a boyfriend!).
Today, I consider myself as a *nothing* again.
Three days ago, my only friend in this town told me how very self conscious I became in the past years, and that even her ex-husband remarked it.
My mood switches so quickly.
Okay, I have this friend, but she's a woman. Women always are positive with me, and I have the feeling - or should I say consciousness - that men are always negative with me. That they don't welcome me. Especially those men I consider attractive.
I got a compliment from a hot guy at the gay pride here. My brain still remembers, but my soul has forgotten it. As if it doesn't count. Or it was meant as a joke.
I don't know where to go.
I grew up in a boarding school most parts of my youth, where I got to meet people automatically, but couldn't live out my sexuality, cos of being afraid of mobbing - and I am having a hormon disease that had to be treated (and forever has to be) by medicine, and so my whole development was slower - so I had my first orgasm with 20.
Then I left school, finally had a masturbating-life and sex dreams and so on, but didn't get to know people anymore, cos my whole social network has gone and I had no clue how to meet knew people.
Since I was used to, that new people literally were seaten next to me at the meals.
After years of boredom and loneliness, 1998 - 2002, I also got erection problems after I played around with gummi rings from the household and tried to raise a chair with my penis for improving it. Ever since, I barely ever have a real feeling in my penis, mostly it feels like it doesn't exist.
My life seems fucked up, huh?
I guess it is. I am at psychotherapy for 5 years now, and some things improved a lot, but some things just don't bother to go away.
Like the fact that I never ever got to know a guy that I considered attractive. And I'm not picky, let's walk through the streets and I'll show you dozens who I'd take.
On the other side, I have an overdose of women. There's this friend here, and my mum and my aunt and my cousin (f) with who I am spending the most days.
Then there's my best male friends who live more than 300 km away each, and my dad.
I'm into Eurovision Song Contest and know a lot of other fans throughout the whole world, and some of us meet every now and then, and Im always joining the regional meetings, but well.... doesn't give me a person who lives near me and with who I can do things.
It's not only a guy for sex and/or relationship that's missing, but also a mate with who to go on holiday with, who to drink some beers with and so on.
Clubs never made me come close to people. Partys or bars either. Forums and Chatrooms did, but well... only mentally closer, not physically.
And I think this is why I am posting all that shit here instead of going to a bar, where I wouldn't even dare to say "hi" to a stranger.
Most of the days I wouldn't have a reason to write a posting like this, I am happy often as well - sometime even with being a single. And I don't see a bf as my saviour or so. Well sometimes I do
And well, I met some guys with who I want to found a band with (I'm a keyboarder and songwriter).
And you'd wonder why I feel lonely. I always feel lonely.
I remember one moment when I was 2 years old, on holidays with my parents, they walked 10 meters ahead, and I cried and screamed "I am all alone!".
Why do I always feel lonely, no matter what :-(((
I think I would stop feeling that lonely, as soon as I'm close to a guy who loves me and takes me as I am. But yeah, this feels utopic.
Love is science fiction for me.
Just needed to do some soul porn in here rightnow.
These days I feel worse again... my therapist is on holidays and everyone is on holidays but me cos I don't fucking know *anyone* to spend my holidays with.
And I don't wanna go with my mum all the time.
It's finally summer now here after weeks of rain, people are outside all through the night and I am walking alone between them, heading for nothing.
I'm full of anger again, blaming society for making me lonely, blaming fate, god, whatever... blaming myself too - or better - things about myself that I can't or don't want to change.
Accusing me for not being perfect (acne, erection problems, glasses, etc), afraid of the life that will come (will begin to work for the first time soon and I'm very very scared about work life, about losing my individual personality and private life - or better - even less chance to get a private life, I feel it as the absolute end of all my chances to find a boyfriend!).
Today, I consider myself as a *nothing* again.
Three days ago, my only friend in this town told me how very self conscious I became in the past years, and that even her ex-husband remarked it.
My mood switches so quickly.
Okay, I have this friend, but she's a woman. Women always are positive with me, and I have the feeling - or should I say consciousness - that men are always negative with me. That they don't welcome me. Especially those men I consider attractive.
I got a compliment from a hot guy at the gay pride here. My brain still remembers, but my soul has forgotten it. As if it doesn't count. Or it was meant as a joke.
I don't know where to go.
I grew up in a boarding school most parts of my youth, where I got to meet people automatically, but couldn't live out my sexuality, cos of being afraid of mobbing - and I am having a hormon disease that had to be treated (and forever has to be) by medicine, and so my whole development was slower - so I had my first orgasm with 20.
Then I left school, finally had a masturbating-life and sex dreams and so on, but didn't get to know people anymore, cos my whole social network has gone and I had no clue how to meet knew people.
Since I was used to, that new people literally were seaten next to me at the meals.
After years of boredom and loneliness, 1998 - 2002, I also got erection problems after I played around with gummi rings from the household and tried to raise a chair with my penis for improving it. Ever since, I barely ever have a real feeling in my penis, mostly it feels like it doesn't exist.
My life seems fucked up, huh?
I guess it is. I am at psychotherapy for 5 years now, and some things improved a lot, but some things just don't bother to go away.
Like the fact that I never ever got to know a guy that I considered attractive. And I'm not picky, let's walk through the streets and I'll show you dozens who I'd take.
On the other side, I have an overdose of women. There's this friend here, and my mum and my aunt and my cousin (f) with who I am spending the most days.
Then there's my best male friends who live more than 300 km away each, and my dad.
I'm into Eurovision Song Contest and know a lot of other fans throughout the whole world, and some of us meet every now and then, and Im always joining the regional meetings, but well.... doesn't give me a person who lives near me and with who I can do things.
It's not only a guy for sex and/or relationship that's missing, but also a mate with who to go on holiday with, who to drink some beers with and so on.
Clubs never made me come close to people. Partys or bars either. Forums and Chatrooms did, but well... only mentally closer, not physically.
And I think this is why I am posting all that shit here instead of going to a bar, where I wouldn't even dare to say "hi" to a stranger.
Most of the days I wouldn't have a reason to write a posting like this, I am happy often as well - sometime even with being a single. And I don't see a bf as my saviour or so. Well sometimes I do
And well, I met some guys with who I want to found a band with (I'm a keyboarder and songwriter).
And you'd wonder why I feel lonely. I always feel lonely.
I remember one moment when I was 2 years old, on holidays with my parents, they walked 10 meters ahead, and I cried and screamed "I am all alone!".
Why do I always feel lonely, no matter what :-(((
I think I would stop feeling that lonely, as soon as I'm close to a guy who loves me and takes me as I am. But yeah, this feels utopic.
Love is science fiction for me.
Just needed to do some soul porn in here rightnow.
the first step on a journey is the hardest to make and you have made that on hear,please stop hating yourself the world owes us nothing , we have to get out of it what we can .
About my acne.. well it's not just some spots, I have permanently 2 or 3 bleeding spots and dozens of unbleeding but still visable ones. Couldn't imagine someone to wanna kiss me on my shoulders or back... yuck. 
](/images/smilies/bang.gif "Brick wall ](*,)")
