LonelyFace - Archived Blog Posts

[LonelyFace]

So if you're reading this, I just want you to know that I said, "Hi."

So yeah, I'm blogging and shit. Isn't this cool? I'm not exactly sure what bloggers write about. I know Julie Powell wrote about her creepy obsession with Julia Child and French cuisine, but I don't really wanna write about that.... Hmmm. I guess I'll figure it out as I go. As if anyone cares.

Well I suppose you probably don't know me so if you wanna know more about me, check out this page in which I share all sorts of personal information that you didn't necessarily care about learning about me with the world:

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=280812

Yay.

Ok, so one thing I didn't mention there is that I like controversy and I really like hearing what other people think about stuff (even if I don't agree with it). However, I try REALLY hard to not offend people and make them mad at me.

I also have a tendency to rant about things.

So now I'm gonna test the power of this blog stuff to see if anyone's really reading this and cares about discussing shit with me. Sounds like fun, huh?

Here goes: I don't really understand the whole concept of people being born gay. I mean, I hear people say it all the time, especially here on JUB, and of course, in the LGBT books I've been reading lately (much more fun than straight people books).

But I don't get it! People say, 'it's not your fault' or 'you can't control it' or 'it's not like I/you wanted to be this way' or 'it's just the way I am' or 'I was born this way' all the time, but I don't really get it!
No offense to anyone out there who believes in this concept, but I personally think it's kinda weird to say that about oneself! To me, it's like saying, "yeah, there's something wrong with me." To me, it's like saying that you have Down Syndrome or you were born with polydactyly or something!
To me, I feel like people who say that are basically saying, "yes, homosexuality is a disease and I was born with it." To me, saying you were born gay just proves all the intolerant people out there to be right after all. All those people who think ill of the LGBT community and say that it's some kind of disease that can be cured, like homosexuality is some congenital version of the H1N1 virus. To me, that's like proving those assholes right and I think that's bullshit!

I don't want them to be right! I can't accept the fact that they could be right, saying that it's a curable disease, saying that it's wrong, saying all sorts of shit that basically says that people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, and/or transgender aren't like normal people! Because they ARE! They're normal people, just like the straight community! We're all people, we're all equal, and being humans, we're all the same!!!

I won't accept letting them say the LGBT community is like a different race of people, like modern day Untouchables! I find that insulting and intolerant, xenophobic, homophobic, etc, etc, blah blah blah I think I've made my point.

So yeah, that's my stance on the concept. I admit that I think there might be some truth to it (I was really faggy when I was a kid, and I'm not proud to admit it), but maybe I'm just against it because I don't want it to be right. I don't know. It just seems like there's a self-deprecating hole in that entire concept, and it seems unfair to me.

I hope I didn't offend anyone, 'cause that wasn't my intention; I just feel kinda confused about this whole thing.
And that's my opinion. How does everyone else think/feel about the concept of being born gay?

 

[LonelyFace]

I'll preface this with a funny story:

There was this one time where I was on the internet looking at some kind of online T-shirt store (I don't remember how I got to that page) and I saw a t shirt that said:

"Step back, you're breaking my gaydar." It made me laugh.

Moving on.

Thanks to the 18 people who viewed my blog and the one person who left a comment. I left you a reply and I have a feeling I might end up starting some kind of debate or something. But I'm hoping to learn stuff from it, so I'm kinda excited I guess.

Speaking of gaydar, I don't understand that concept, either. I honestly don't really believe in it. Now, I consider myself bisexual, but I don't think I have one. Or maybe I don't think I have one BECAUSE I'm bi and not exclusively gay. I dunno. I don't see how women can have them, either, unless they're lesbians. But I don't know many lesbians, so I don't know if they believe in it, either. I just heard straight women talking about their gaydar today and thought it was BS...

ANYWAY, I just don't understand how it could work. With me, I look at people all the time, and I could look at a guy, but in my case, it's more like, "oh that'd be so awesome if he was into guys." So it's mostly just me hoping and stuff. And then when I see people and assume that they're gay, I admit I come to that conclusion because of stereotypes. Hey, if the guy wears makeup and swings his hips and talks with a Big-Gay-Al-voice and all that other queeny stuff, I'm gonna assume he's gay.

I'm sorry. This is one reason why I don't think I'm completely gay; I'd make a TERRIBLE gay person. I use "gay" in the new sense of the word (don't hate me please), but I reserve the word "faggot" for anyone I REALLY hate. And I mean HATE. And I never use it towards gays. If I call someone a faggot, it's because I know that they're not gay and that I hate them for whatever reason.
But I digress...

If anyone's willing to prove that gaydar exists, I'm more than willing to become a believer.

 

[LonelyFace]

...Therefore, over half of my alleged blog views are from me, I think. Sad.

I started reading A Better Place by Mark A. Roeder last night, and now I'm about 2/3 through the book. It's better than I expected, but riddled with typos! This has never happened while I've read a book (that "Great Illustrated Classics" version of Sherlock Holmes doesn't count!)! It makes me wonder if there's some kind of lesser quality editing process for LGBT books, while mainstream "straight-people books" are always typo-free (one of their few perks. Straight books are getting so boring. Look at Chuck Palahniuk; his stories all follow the same basic formula, and he knows it. He's the one who pointed it out to me in one of his books.). Someday, I hope to discover the reason for this.

Getting back to my point, I really enjoy the book. I felt like I could relate to the characters a little bit and it actually made me cry (yes, books and movies make me cry, and I AM a guy. No I'm not proud of it.). Although, I was feeling pretty depressed last night. Even cutting didn't help, which I thought was strange, cause every other time I did it, I always felt a hell of a lot better... Whatever.
My point is that I found out that Roeder has written a series of books about gay teenage boys and stuff. There's a shitload of them, and they all sound good.

Too bad I can't find them in stores anywhere. When I went to Powell's last weekend, I was originally looking for his book "Someone Is Watching," but since all I could find by Roeder was "A Better Place," I bought that one instead. Not that I mind, though. But I am a bit put off by the front cover; I don't really want to walk around reading a book with two shirtless men making out on the cover-- people will think I'm reading gay erotica. Although I guess in a way all those books are....
As for getting those other books, I'll probably have to order them online or wait till Christmas/my birthday to get them. I can't really afford to spend more money right now; that's college money. So I'm hoping to replace all the money I spent on books in the past month or two (A LOT) with money from a second job. I wrote a thread about it in the Hot Topics section of the JUB forums. The one about working for Hollister Co. (speaking of which, I got the clothes I ordered online from them today! It was fun, but they put underwear in cardboard boxes, so my stepfather thought I had purchased an "inflatable friend.") I'm applying tomorrow, and I'm hoping my friend will still want to go with me to provide emotional support/help me find the mall cause I never go there. I think she might bail on me again, though, since she was supposed to take her driver's license test today and her phone's been off all day. I think she may have failed it, but I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that she passed and isn't upset. She's 18, by the way. I AM old enough to use this site.

Sometimes it's fun just to record what's on your mind; like a diary/journal. The things I write do tend to be pointless and random, but that's just part of my charm, I guess.
I'm excited to try and apply for a job there; a lot of my friends think it's cool and my aunt is being supportive of it, which is really nice, since my parents don't really want me to have a second job. But I think it'll be good, and it might not work out anyway, so if that's the case, then I'll have gained a good life experience thingy to remember and I can shift my focus to Game Stop or Borders.

Obviously, this whole application process thing is all I can think about; that and class tomorrow. I'm thinking I might actually be starting to make some friends in one of those classes, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

11:30 pm is time for me to go to bed and worry about telling the world about absolutely everything I'm doing right now tomorrow.

 

[LonelyFace]

I remember hearing somewhere that the human body is supposed to be capable of living for over 100 years. Yet very few people (mostly Japanese people; I knew they could do everything better than everyone else) seem to be capable of getting past the triple digit mark.
One day when I was feeling particularly suicidal, I reflected upon this fact and began to wonder why people don't live as long as we're supposed to.

Then I had an epiphany.

Some people don't live as long as others because they die from smoking. Or they die of alcohol poisoning. Or they get depressed and committ suicide. Or they kill others and get executed for it. Or they decide to fllip someone off while driving and then are followed home and murdered by the one they flipped off.

The list goes on and on, but that's what hit me. Maybe we don't live as long as we could because of those things.

My line of thinking is that God seems to have installed a bunch of "failsafes" to make sure we DON'T live to be older than 122. God created the tobacco leaf, which we used to make cigarettes that kill us over time. God made it possible for food to turn into liquid and become fermented and cause us to drink and impair our judgment and/or kill us by filling our bodies with more alcohol than blood. God gave people stupid character traits, such as being stupid enough to get behind the wheel of a car and drive at over 100 mph through a neighborhood while intoxicated.

And those who are smart enough to avoid these things and/or situations would likely be able to live for a very long time. But in order to make sure that never happens, God makes these people depressed so they eventually kill themselves off instead of having to die slowly or accidentally.

Basically, the imperfections we are born with are the reason why we don't live longer than 100 or so years.

I'm not trying to blame God for anything, but I just thought it was an interesting concept at the time. To this day, I still believe in my little conspiracy theory. I figured it's an interesting way to look at life; how else could people who are so nice and smart be stupid enough to become addicted to cigarettes or vodka or autoerotic asphyxiation?

Because if we weren't, we'd live forever. And then where would we be?

 

[LonelyFace]

So I came out to my mother as bisexual recently. As in, before I joined JUB, I think. I've also come out to some of my friends as bi recently.

Of course, there's a problem. Although I have a major thing for Megan Fox (say all you want, I don't care. Before her, it was Lindsay Lohan), I don't really get boners from women. I personally think that it's because I'm really picky with girls (I prefer petite women and I get turned off immediately by huge nipples), but I'm not sure, and of course, it's causing all sorts of wonderful inner turmoil for me.

Since I couldn't talk to my therapist about it (my next appointment is next month, not now), I decided to talk to the one person I felt I should talk to: my mom. I'm not especially proud of it, since I sometimes fear I'll become a complete mama's boy, but whatever. The point is that we had a lovely conversation over dinner that pretty much ended with her saying she didn't really care and that she loved me and would always support me (which I already knew), but she said she wanted me to go out with a boy before I tried it with a girl.

Weird.

My main problem is that while I feel like I wouldn't mind being gay, I really, really, Really, REALLY don't want to be gay. I really want to be like other normal straight guys. I want to be into sports and not worry about being stupid. I want to be able to sympathize with my friends when they update their facebook statuses as "dying from a lack of pussy." I really want to try fucking a girl and I really want to have a wife and kids someday. But even though I fantasize about that as much as I fantasize about being with a guy, I don't get extremely hot and horny from the thought of it all. I assume that I would once I was actually there, but I dunno.

I know I've had romantic feelings for girls in the past (I instantly "fell in love" with a girl who was in a school musical as soon as I saw her at the front of the stage singing, and I had a somewhat bad experience with another girl that I wrote about in the JUB forum somewhere), but I don't really ever remember getting all hot and bothered by them (straight porn is so annoying and fake). Although, that could be because I try not to think about them that way, but still...

Obviously, I'm incredibly confused, which I don't think is right, since everyone I know already knows who they are by the time they're my age and in college, regardless of whether or not they "experiment" with same-sex relations. I want to be normal! Org!

I don't really know what else to write about. I just think it's weird and I think maybe I just want to get it on with a guy so I can get it all out of my system before I turn 30 and decide to settle down with someone (maybe if I'm lucky I'll meet Megan Fox someday and we'll hook up or something, and then go steady from there) and start a family. Because I really do want that. That much I know, but the rest of it all makes me confused... Things would be SO much easier if my parents had been smart and not had children...

 

[LonelyFace]

September 28, 2009
12:50- something P.M.

I'm bored.

I have a break between classes from 11:50 to 2:00. I've eaten lunch already, my friends left to go do stuff, it's now 12:50, and I'm bored and have nothing to do.

I only have a few friends here so far. Even then, all my friends are people I know from high school and work. They're all girls, too. I feel like I'm gonna drown in all the estrogen. Either that, or I'm gonna turn into Bruno or something.

I'm sitting on a couch thing by a set of doors. There's some guy standing next to the couch looking at the magazines on the table in front of him. I just saw him picking his nose (in public). Gross.

And now he's gone. He left, I mean.

I'm still bored. And I'm getting kinda sick from eating that apple (no, it wasn't rotten or anything).

I'm not sure if I should be excited for my next class. It's either gonna be fun because of whichever movie we watch, or it's gonna be hella boring because my Intro to Cinema professor is gonna talk nonstop about something I won't be able to pay attention to. Usually it's about how she loves movies. My cinema professor is kinda strange. She has a dragon tattoo on her right leg. It's really colorful, and I'm assuming it's a big tattoo, since I could only see it on her lower leg from where her dress ended.

I think all this people-watching that I'm doing would be more fun if someone else was sitting with me. Or at least talking to me. Oh well, things will get better in time, right? Maybe. I sure hope so.

I'm so fucking bored!

 

[LonelyFace]

I'm feeling underappreciated right now. Time for a bitchfest!

Why is it so difficult for him to be nice to me after I come home from school, knock on the door, and say "hi. Are you feeling any better?" I mean, I know he's still sick, but I don't know if he's feeling better or worse than yesterday, so that's why I asked in the first place! I was just trying to be nice because I felt bad for him having to miss 2 weeks of school from the flu.

But when I get such a rude response, and then counter it with a "you don't have to be rude <or maybe I said 'asshole' because I was so tired of this same thing happening every day> i was just trying to be nice" and still get more rudeness, I'm not going to continue to be very sympathetic towards him.

Then I asked him what movie he was watching. He said "a movie."

WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK. I CAN SEE THAT, CONSIDERING MY VISION IS FAR BETTER THAN YOURS.

"what kind of movie?"

"the horror kind" (no surprise there. he likes scary movies.)

"why can't you just tell me which movie you're watching?"

I mean, it's not like i'm gonna make fun of what he's watching! That's what HE does to ME. About EVERYTHING. ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

"because it's not my job to..." blah blah blah

so we exchange a bit more banter, and then he tells me to "screw off."

For some reason, this made me incredibly angry. So as I left the room, I said "fuck you" and thought about going back into the room to punch him in the face as I closed the door. But I didn't do anything, since that'd be too mean and I didn't want to get in trouble.

I don't understand why he always has to be so rude to me! I'm just trying to be nice to him since I know he doesn't enjoy being sick. Plus, if he didn't want to tell me what he was watching, he could've just pressed the info button so the tv would tell me what he'd been watching.

the problem with my brother is that he expects everyone to know everything, especially the stuff he refuses to tell everyone else. And then he gets mad at us when we don't know these things. I'm sick of being the one he takes his anger out on. He's been doing it for years. I don't do that shit to him! When I'm pissed off, I lock myself in my room, refuse to eat, and avoid contact with anyone else so I don't have to worry about doing something stupid.

Why can't i get a little kindness every now and then from my own family? Why can't we have a brotherly relationship like everyone else has?

I remember taking him to see "Carriers" when it had come out in theaters (good movie, but did poorly at the box office), and we both liked it. But it made me sad, because I kept comparing the relationship of the brothers in the movie to my relationship with my brother. Ours was so much worse than theirs, and I didn't like it. I see brothers do stuff together all the time, being happy and shit, and then read about them growing up to be best buds and stuff. But my brother and I have a love/hate relationship worse than a bipolar teenage girl going through PMS!

So here I am, bitching about how my brother makes me angry just because he can and is an insensitive bastard with nothing better to do, thinking all the while, "I hope he dies from that flu."

I love my brother, and I don't really want him to die, but I do at least want him to stay sick for a while and have it get worse before it gets better. That way, he can finally go back to school and have a shitload of overdue homework to finish, which will hopefully bring his grades down.

Ugh, I feel like an old lady complaining about how nobody appreciates her. But I guess that fits because that's how I feel...

 

[LonelyFace]

Date: Sometime between September 28 and October 13, 2009
Time: I never wrote it down, so I don't know.

It's raining today. I had to sit inside the room between Hannah and Hawkins Hall(s) when I ate lunch today. Nobody I knew was there, so it was quite boring. At least it wasn't like yesterday where I had a 2 hour break between classes.

Although I will be in Sociology for, what, 2 hours? Fun. 2 hours listening to Dr. H ramble on about something related to society. Ramble ramble ramble. Boring boring boring. Blah blah blah blah blah. I'm already bored.

I'm kinda hoping I won't be sitting alone at this table for much longer. I get quite sick of being all by myself when I'm not at home. I imagine it'd make anyone go crazy. Maybe that's why Kathy Bates was so batshit insane in Misery. I watched that with my brother last weekend. I didn't see the beginning, but the rest of it was pretty good. Kathy Bates deserved that Oscar.

I think I should've sat by someone at another table. One that was actually inhabited by someone else. This is gonna be really boring.

 

[LonelyFace]

October 13, 2009
1:55 P.M.

I just finished taking my Sociology test. It was easy at some parts, but difficult at others. I hope I did well.

[author's note: I got a C on that test....]

Everybody who finished the test has left the room because Dr. H said we could once we were finished with our tests. But they can't come back till 2:05.

I decided to stay in here. There's no point in me leaving; I have no reason to and I'm being pretty quiet. I'm kinda wishing I had some homework to do. All the homework I have today is stuff I need a computer for, and I left mine at home.

I suppose I could leave and then talk to people outside. I might end up making some new friends or something. Then again, I'm kind of a loner, and I don't really feel like forcing myself to talk to someone.

Dr. H looks like she's really bored. She's looking at all the stuff on her little makeshift desk/table like she's trying to find something to do. There's something about her can of Diet Dr. Pepper that I don't like. I'm not really sure why.

Now she's looking through her pile of Scantrons (I fuckin' hate those things) as she tells us there's only 5 minutes left and that this counts as our break time.

(Now I have to pee. Dammit.)

I bet as she looks through those Scantrons, she's also checking to see what answers people got wrong.

"Oh, ha ha ha! He got that one wrong!"
"How could she get the answer to this question wrong? I made it so easy!"
"Hey, this person's gotten them all right! Damn!"

One more minute. Including me, 9 people remain in the room. 2- oh wait, 1 person is still taking the test. Tick tock tick tock. Time's up.

 

[LonelyFace]

October 14, 2009
Between 9:20 and 9:50 A.M.

I'm tired and starting to feel sick. I think it's because of the venti pumpkin spice latte (decaf) I got from Starbuck's before coming to school. In a way, it was worth it, though.

Professor F is talking about different ways to say stuff ("instead of 'he is a man who.." just say 'he.') and redundant phrases to avoid ("dead body," "qualified expert," etc.). I'm hoping that by writing, she'll think I'm taking notes instead of not paying attention.

"A" isn't in class today. The one day I chose to sit on the same side of the room as him and he doesn't show up. He had to sit all alone in the front row on Monday so I figured I'd sit by him today and not make him potentially feel like an emo kid.

[author's note: what I forgot to mention here is that on Monday, I actually offered him an open seat in the row my friend and I were sitting in, as there was one open seat left. I told him to not be an emo kid and sit with us, but he didn't.]

But he's not here. It must be some kind of sign. A disappointing sign, but a sign nonetheless. It's kinda weird, 'cause I was looking forward to this class last night, mainly because I knew (or thought I knew) that he'd be there and that I'd see him. I suppose maybe it's better this way; if i'd been sitting right next to him, he would've eventually noticed me sneaking peeks at him. He seems kinda shy, which I think I really like. He's pretty nice, too. I can't forget that he's hot, too, with or without his beard. The first week or two he had a full strawberry blonde beard, but now he's shaved it all off. I know my friend didn't like that.

Oh hey, class is over.

 

[LonelyFace]

October 14, 2009
1:36 P.M.

It's too quiet in this place. I'm sitting with V and a couple of her friends. They're pretty cool, I guess. One girl in particular, she says her name is D, is pretty hot, but I think she said she had a boyfriend, so too bad for me, I guess.

V's talking about how she used to work at Subway and how she had to use a device called a "bread retarder" (I know, right?) to defrost the bread before she closed up shop at night.

"I sure feel bad for that retarded bread."

<unfinished>

 

[LonelyFace]

October 15, 2009
12:22 P.M.

I'm eating lunch outside today. It's nice out, even though it's cloudy. It's quiet here, for the most part. I can hear cars in the street and the occasional crow or student(s) passing by. I've finished my lunch so now I don't really have anything to do.

The blind guy in my Sociology class is waiting outside the classroom, waiting. He's sitting on the ground, kinda hunched over as usual. He reminds me of the singer Jay Brannan, albiet with darker skin. Oh, and he's been married for a couple weeks. He has a ring on his finger now. I keep wanting to call him Jay, even though that's not his real name.

I think his cane is so cool. I know it'd be incredibly rude (not to mention juvenile) to ask, but I really wanna know if he's ever used it to hit somebody. I just think that'd be really cool, not to mention hilarious.

The chime tower that looks like a fountain pen just started playing a tune to tell everyone that it's now 12:30. Half an hour left till class. I'm not sure if I should be looking forward to it or not. My plan today is to sit near the front again and take really good notes and not participate. After last time, I don't want to give Dr. H any more reason to hate me. I think she probably does already. I hope I can surprise her by doing well in her class. That'd be so awesome.

 

[LonelyFace]

Yesterday my friends and I celebrated my other friend's 18th birthday by throwing him an awesome party (sort of).

Basically, I played chauffeur and gathered all of the friends that were still in town to help celebrate. Meaning, it was myself, my friend J.S., the birthday boy, B, his girlfriend, J.S., and our other friend N.G., who had come back from UW for the weekend.

The first thing we did was to go downtown to Painless Ric's, a tattoo/body piercing parlor that supposedly is really high quality, but looks a bit shady when you're actually there. I'm sure it's not that bad a place, though. Anyway, our joke was to surprise B by taking him there and saying, "ok since you're 18 now it's time to get you a tattoo." Only we knew he wouldn't want one, so that was the joke I guess.

The next thing we did was to find a place to eat dinner, since we were all hungry. We decided to go to Twilight Pizza Bistro. And by decided, I mean J.S. and I made everyone else go there because we knew there was gonna be a concert there that night.

*The story behind that was that the day before, J.S. and I were in the exact same area where we found a nice little Italian cafe whose name escapes me at the moment. The food and atmosphere was really nice, but my mom told me that the place used to have a thingy filled with Holy Water so customers could bless themselves before entering or something like that. Now they just have a cross hanging by a doorway somewhere. Anyway, while we were in there, J.S. and I asked the staff there (mother and daughter) about the music they were playing. They told us that it was their son's band, Ruby Hill. Turns out they have their own CD (which I purchased for $5) and they're available on iTunes. The best parts about learning of Ruby Hill's existence were the facts that A. they were a local band, B. they were actually really good, which is saying something for a band that comes from this shithole of a town, C. Most of the guys in the band (especially the main singer, whose singing voice sounds like a cross between John Mayer and the lead singer from Maroon 5) were totally hot(!!!), and D. they were going to be holding a sort of Acoustic concert thingy at Twilight Pizza the next night (aka the day we had our little party)! So we decided we'd take everybody to that, and it'd be fun and shit!

So when we got to Twilight Pizza, we decided that the place was too full, so we figured that we'd eat somewhere else and go back for the concert. We decided to go to some other restaurant that must have bought out the previous restaurant or something. That was also a pizza place and was WAY more crowded than Twilight Pizza was, so we decided to go back to Twilight and get food there.

When we got there, the 5 of us had to wait a bit for space to become available, but when we finally got our table, we all ordered a plate of breadsticks to share, a large margherita pizza (the best pizza in the world besides normal cheese and pepperoni and cowboy style pizzas- the rest all suck), and we all drank water out of peer pressure. For dessert, we ordered the dish entitled "Brownies from Heaven," which turned out to be only ONE very fancy brownie cut into 5 slices. We were all incredibly disappointed and felt that we should complain about the dessert's misleading title, but we were still early for the concert, and we didn't want to get kicked out, so we stayed quiet on that part. We didn't tip very high, either, because our waitress didn't do her job very well. Nor did much of the non-cooking staff, for that matter, but that's beside the point.

Eventually, the time came for the concert to start. J.S. and I were really excited because we liked the music that we had heard earlier and we both thought the people in the band that'd be playing that night were really smokin' hot. They weren't too bad, although we did notice they tended to "eat the microphones." But I still liked what I heard, and we were really the only ones who actually were there for the concert and listened to the music. We were the ones who instigated much of the clapping while we were there, too. The other patrons were just assholes.
But eventually, some of our friends got bored and wanted to leave, so we did, even though J.S. and I wanted to hear more, and they had said something about having T-Shirts and other CDs available (which we wanted!), but we left anyway, 'cause B said he wanted to leave, even though I think it may have been out of peer pressure, since B is a bit indecisive and does that sometimes.

So yeah, we left and then we tried to figure out what to do next. We ended up deciding to find a place to play "1000 Blank White Cards," which is a card game we made up and if you don't know what that is then too bad because you're really missing out on an awesome sort of inside joke thing.
Initially, we thought of going to Crown Park, but that place was closed, so we decided to go to Borders and use their cafe, since I figured it'd be empty at around 8:30 pm on a Saturday. I was wrong, of course, so we decided to wander around and look at books for a bit (N.G. made us look at a giant book of birds with him and we laughed a lot at the retarded bird pictures). Then we decided to leave 'cause the store was boring and we were all broke (plus, that store's gay to straight ratio of pornography was depressing. The top row of the "Men's Interest" section was all straight porn, except for the far right corner, where they placed the 3 gay publications in the store. It was a bit sad, yet strangely funny.), so we decided to play our little card game in my car in the parking lot. We did this until about 9:45, when we decided that it was time to go since a few of us had to be home by 10 or 10:30.

From there, I dropped everyone off at home, said goodbye to B and made sure he left with our gift to him (a Death Note that we found at a cultural imports store in the local mall. Becuase we felt it was better and less insulting than an "L" doll, who we all think B looks like. Surprisingly, that place has a vast anime section in the back corner. It's scary, but they did have some interesting stuff.), and then went home and watched "The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror" on logoonline.com (a surprisingly hilarious horror comedy that I highly recommend to anyone who's really bored like I was that day when I was waiting for it to be time to pick everyone up) until around 1 or 2 am, when I finally went to sleep.

It was a very eventful day, but it was hella fun. I hope everyone could have a weekend as awesome as mine was.

 

[LonelyFace]

October 19, 2009
10:05 am

I'm in the computer lab of Scarpelli Hall sitting with my friend who has journalism with me and also lusts after the same man as me. She needed to borrow my headphones so she could finish some Spanish homework.

Oh wait, she's done already. That was quick.

Same date
1:11 pm

V and I are in the Hannah Hall Commons right now. She's painting her nails. I'm doing nothing; wishing I had my laptop. Wishing I had more friends. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not fit for a relationship because I'd probably be too clingy or something. It's not really working out so well.

A finally came back to class earlier today. I was glad to see him, but scared to sit by him. The past couple times I sat near him he wasn't in class, so I think it's some kind of sign. After last night, I felt too intimidated and insecure to talk to him. That makes it sound like we talked or something last night. We didn't. I just did a lot of thinking, got no answers, and played a sad song on my iPod that was set to repeat and I cried myself to sleep holding an UglyDoll in my arms.

Yes, I'm well aware of how pathetic I am.

I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be able to stay awake and not feel like I have an uncontrollable urge to vomit-- even though I can't. I really wish I could. But only because I'm hoping it'd make me feel better.

 

[LonelyFace]

(Journal Entry 08 )
October 28, 2009
10:35 am.

I sat by A in Journalism class today! It was (kinda) a big step for me, but really easy. I think I decided to do it yesterday (i remember thinking about it before I went to sleep), so the thought of making sure I did it wasn't a big deal. I don't think he minded, either. I mean, before class, he sat by me in the hallway (which i've been purposefully going to 30 minutes early-- just to increase my chances of such an event happening), so maybe there's a mutual interest or something!

Class itself was uneventful and passed by slowly, which (for once) I was greatful for. It made it seem like we were sitting together longer.

I think it made my friend mad, though (just a little). When she saw me, I said "hi" and she smiled a sort of "OMG you did NOT just do/say that" smile and mouthed out the words "you cunt" to me, at which I just laughed.

I think she's jealous 'cause I made a move first.

After class, we talked about him for a bit. Neither of us can really figure out which way he swings, but I'm thinking it's my way and not her's (but that could just be me hoping too much ). She said she saw him looking at me when I turned to get something out of my backpack at one point. She said she didn't really know how to describe the way he looked at me, but it wasn't in a bad way at all. That made happy.

I then asked her how old she thought he was. I couldn't really tell but I was afraid he might be past 20 (my specific guess was 23 for some reason), which could cause problems if anything happened with us (since I'm only 18 ). But she said she thought he looked 19, which I could see being true.

19. I like that.

Then she asked me if I was gonna ask if he was gay, and I said, "yeah, at some point, probably." (But I think it's rude to just flat out ask someone that question.) "I'm gonna try and focus on being his friend first."

She thought that was cool, and before she and I parted (she had to go to Spanish class), she said, "May the best one win."

However, she assured me that she didn't plan on making any moves on him, so I didn't have to worry about us fighting over him and not being friends anymore, which made me feel relieved. I'm wondering if she's just trying to be polite by giving me a chance... Not that I mind, though.

Considering how poorly today started off, it's getting a lot better, and now I have a reason to look forward to Friday.

I can't wait!

 

[LonelyFace]

(Journal Entry 09)
October 29, 2009
1:03 pm

Dr. H got our attention in class today by blowing a whistle. I find that incredibly bitchy and obnoxious. She could've just said "SEX!" really loudly and it would've worked even better. Trust me, I've seen it in action. Then, she started making excuses as to why she hadn't finished grading our papers and how she wouldn't have time to finish them this weekend.

"Stop making excuses and move on already," I said quietly to myself. I don't care if she doesn't have time to grade and return my essay ASAP. I trust my teachers to grade my papers and return them to me when they get to it. I don't mind waiting unless the term ends and I still haven't received it.

Now she's talking about a recent event in California where a girl got drugged and gang raped by some kids at her homecoming dance. Apparently, it happened right outside her school and the teachers and police were inside the building at the time. But nobody went to get help. I guess the only way the authorities found out about it was when someone was walking home and heard other kids talking about it, and then that person told their family, who was so appalled they called the police. I hadn't heard of that case until just then. It reminded me of being in Psychology back in high school, where we learned about this woman who was randomly murdered outside her apartment building back in the '60s while 38 witnesses to the crime did nothing. It's all kinda creepy and sad.

Dr. H says the more people there are witnessing a crime, the less likely we are to intervene. She blames violence in the media for these crimes. I think she's stupid and biased because she's old and can't understand technology. She really shouldn't be teaching Sociology until she learns to be more neutral.

I guess that girl from California is now in critical condition.

On another note, when I read the first page of chapter 7 in the sociology book, the page mentioned that the term "friends with benefits" has become a common term in the vocabulary of today's young people. I had half a thought to ask Dr. H about the concept of friends with benefits ("Do YOU have any friends with benefits, Dr. H?" "How do you feel about this, Dr. H?"). But after seeing the way my Santa Claus question went over with her, I don't think I will.

Dr. H is totally a lesbian. She's brought up gay marriage at least 3 times today. I bet she hates men more than Jodie Foster.

One woman in class just said that she used to drink with groups of guys all the time and that nobody ever gang raped her. What the fuck does that have to do with anything?! Who fucking cares about you? You're not even pretty! THAT'S why is never happened to you! Duh!

Now Dr. H is talking about gay marriage again. She and Hillary Clinton should hook up already. Now it's time for another shitty biased video (this time it's about family!)!

Holy crap, the people who were in the last video we watched in this class are in this new video, too! D:

And the guy sitting in front of me is wearing the exact same jacket that I'm wearing (but mine has a hood)! D:

 

[LonelyFace]

It was for me, anyway.

First order of the day was to go to the staff meeting. I got Krispy Kreme doughnuts and won a $10 gift certificate for accurately naming the main ingredient in REG's popcorn butter.

The answer is soybean oil, in case you're wondering.

Then, I used the gift certificate to purchase The Strangers: Unrated on DVD. I really like that movie, and it was perfect, since it was Halloween and all. I also talked with a manager while I was there and gave him a resume I created shortly before going to Borders (which is where I bought the DVD). He told me that they WERE hiring for the holiday season (YAY!!!) and that they were looking through applications (I applied online twice lol), so I'm thinking I'll keep going back every week or something and bug the crap out of them until they hire me. That's how I got my job at Regal, and that's how one guy who graduated last June with me also got his job at Borders (which he doesn't have anymore 'cause he left for college. Yay for me.).

Next, I had to go to work and close concessions. It was okay. I'm still trying to figure out why people would dress up for Halloween if they're only going to a movie theater and not trick-or-treating. But oh well.

The other closers and I finished work at about 12:30 am. Which I suppose by then was technically 11:30 pm, since it's not Daylight Savings Time and all.
We then went to a party being held by one of our coworkers. One of my female coworkers and I don't drink or smoke, so we figured we'd go just for the hell of it 'cause we didn't want to go home and had nothing better to do. Plus, one of our friends told us over the phone that they had run out of beer, so we thought we'd be okay.
I drove her and the other guy who closed conc. with us to the party location, which turned out to be someone else's house, since our coworkers decided to go to a different party. We were at the party for about 10-20 minutes. It was like something out of a high school movie. It was exactly like all the parties you see in the movies with teen drinking. It was dumb and kinda scary. So the three of us left and the friend we talked to over the phone (who's also the one in my journalism class and is sorta fighting with me over the guy in said class who looks like Jake Gyllenhaal) was a bit tipsy so she went with another coworker of ours who showed up at that point and we decided to all go and meet down in Portland at Voodoo Doughnuts, since some of us (including me) had never been there before.

Plus, when we were leaving, the cops apparently had just busted the party. Good thing we had just left. It was kinda stupid, anyway.

So we went to Portland and found our way to Voodoo Doughnuts, which was packed, and MUCH smaller than I thought it'd be. The entire city was teeming with people dressed up in various costumes trying to get into various parties at various clubs all over town. We saw one guy dressed up as a bottle of KY Jelly. Lol. There were other weird ones, too, and a lot of women were dressed up in really slutty outfits. My other non-drinking friend commented on how she disliked the fact that women degrade themselves by dressing up in such outfits on Halloween. I guess I kinda agreed with her.

So we went to the doughnut shop and I got a Oreo-Peanut-Butter Doughnut. Yes, it sounds gross, but it was actually HELLA good! I decided that I was gonna take my brother there the next day and show him how awesome the place was. They even had a doughnut called the "Cock-N-Balls." (I thought readers would enjoy that one.)

After leaving the tight confines of the doughnut shop, we decided to meet up at a place called "Coffee Time" or something, since it was apparently open late and it was around 2 am (aka 1 am, but nobody was really observing that rule). Long story short, we eventually got there, but the store had just closed. Even though we realized that since it was DST, they technically should have been open for another hour. I made sure I said that out loud as the women running the store closed up shop right next to us. They ignored me, of course, and took their bikes home. Portlanders.

So after that, we all met up and decided to go to some place called "Tick Tock" or something, but I didn't know where it was, and I was the designated driver (even though only one of us had done any drinking and she seemed to be feeling better at that point.), so I followed our coworker (the one who showed up at the party when we were leaving) to the place. Only it turns out he took a wrong turn, so we ended up driving back home instead. I dropped the others off, making sure they'd give me gas money later, and I then went home. That was it.

And a fun time was had by all. Now I'm hoping my brother's friend won't come over so he'll go see "Pandorum" with me (I already saw it, but I think he'll like it, and I don't have anything better to do, anyway). I also want to take him to Voodoo Doughnuts, and maybe even go to Powell's, since we'd be in the area. Unfortunately, something tells me that won't happen today. Oh well. At least yesterday was the best Halloween I've ever had.

 

[LonelyFace]

So I've been reading a lot of LGBT literature lately (I wish someone would edit Mark A. Roeder's work before publishing it.), and I've been looking at a lot of stuff that a lot of people on JUB have been saying lately. And now I'm just not so sure anymore.

I guess maybe people really are "born gay."

Do I like that? No. I think it makes it sound like non-hetero people are abnormal, a different kind of human. In my eyes, all humans are equal. Maybe that's why I have such a problem with the concept.

I feel it's the same as saying you were "born dead" (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest reference). We're saying, "yes, there IS something wrong with us."

Maybe if the world didn't have such a problem with it, I'd feel differently.

And how does one know what their sexuality is? I feel physically attracted to men, but I feel emotionally attracted to women. I think I have a crush on the guy in my journalism class who looks like Jake Gyllenhaal, yet I know next to nothing about him. And at the same time, I think I'm crushing on the female coworker I went to the halloween party with last night (the one who, like me, doesn't drink). I think she's really pretty, yet I don't get sexually aroused when I think about her.

Does that mean that I'm gay? I don't understand it. I get a hard-on looking at a hot guy and thinking about kissing a man. I want to ask women out on dates and I find many of them attractive. I want to have a family someday. But I don't get a hard-on by thinking about kissing or having sex with a woman. I assumed that maybe this meant I was bisexual, but I don't know.

I feel like I'm sexually confused, and I don't know anyone else who is 18 and still doesn't know what they want. I get so confused sometimes and then I can't stop crying and so I cut open the skin on the area between my shoulder and bicep, sop up the blood with a tissue, and then cry myself to sleep. And then I wake up and feel so much better and tell myself that if I'm really gay, that's not a bad thing and I'll get through it. But I'm still all alone and I don't know anyone else like me so I feel alone even when I'm with my friends. So I usually go back to wishing I was normal at some point and then the cycle repeats itself. I don't want to be alone.

I'm just not sure anymore. I don't know what I know anymore. And that makes me really sad.

This entry was longer than I meant for it to be...

 

[LonelyFace]

I've decided to give up on pursuing the mysterious hot guy in my journalism class. It's too much to deal with and I can't figure out anything about him. Therefore, I have decided that my time would be better spent looking elsewhere. Granted, if something ends up happening between us within the next 3 weeks or so, I might reconsider. But for now, I'm not interested in him anymore.

Now everyone knows I gave up. I don't like admitting it, but I did.

I've joined FindFred.com and have been looking around there. I'm trying to meet people who are around my own age and live in either Portland or Vancouver, since those are the closest places to where I live. I've been looking for people who are 18 or 19, since 20 and up seems weird to me. How much fun could someone have with a guy who can't (and doesn't) drink legally? (Yeah, I know in the US the age is 21, but I doubt there are many 20 year olds who don't drink)

But anyway, I've noticed (much to my dismay) that most of the hot people my age all live in Columbus or Cleveland, Ohio. Which is pretty much on the other side of the country for me. That's too bad, since I actually had a really nice chat with a guy from Columbus who was like 23 or 24 and he still thought I was cute. I thought he was, too, and he didn't seem to mind the fact that I had problems (I told him I had mental issues, he replied with "thats ok i have bipolar disorder." for some reason, that made me more attracted to the guy), which was nice. He was really nice to me, which I liked, but I thought it was a bit weird how he would mention how he has to use Trojan Magnum XL-size condoms and that if we were closer, he'd gladly pop my cherry and stuff like that. I thought it was kinda sweet, and it made me laugh when I read the comments, but as I kept thinking about him today (not really intentionally, it just happened), I couldn't help but wonder if maybe he was just whispering sweet nothings into my ear because he was really horny or something. I'm sure that's probably not the case, and he was a really nice guy, but I can't help but wonder... Oh well. I'm actually disappointed that Ohio and Washington are so far away from each other right now. I'd really like to get to know him more. He seems like he'd make a good friend.

On the somewhat plus side, I've been chatting with people in Portland, too. And a guy from Texas (so more of the same issues with the nice guy from Columbus in this situation). One portland guy in particular seems really nice and he's 18 or 19 (can't really remember right now, I'm pretty tired) and we've been chatting for a while. He seems nice and he's good looking, too. But he seems much more mature than his age implies, so I don't know if we'd ever be able to become anything more than friends. Not that that's a bad thing, though.
The other Portland guy is like 10 years older than me I think. I can't help but wonder if he's some kinda really horny old man who just wants to hook up or something. I dunno. I'm sure not every old gay guy is like that, but I'm just not interested in people who are way older than me. I find it weird, is all. Like when I first joined JUB and got a random PM from a guy who asked if I wanted to hook up with him 'cause he gave great head (that's what he said, anyway). He was over 40, which creeped me out. I don't really know why I'm divulging all this information. It's like when people send me messages on FindFred.com and tell me what their real names are. Am I the only one who believes in being the least bit discreet on the internet when engaging in conversations with people I don't know? They probably all think my screenname is my real name, too.

I'm rambling now, so I'm gonna stop here. I'm really tired today.

 

[LonelyFace]

He says he cuts himself when he gets drunk. 50 scars on one of his arms and more on other limbs. I don't want to remember.

Then he says if he'd been sober, he wouldn't have said anything at all.

He claims that everyone's responses are "predictable." I know he's lying about that. It makes me so mad that he says that, I just want to scream at him. "Stop lying!" I want to say. Just stop it.

I want to help him, because I don't want him to end up like me, but he won't let me. He won't let anyone help him. I can't alert police or a hospital or anything because I don't know who he really is.

He says I should look for friends elsewhere, because he has nothing to offer. Does he not see that I don't care if he has anything to offer? Everyone has something to offer, and he knows he does, too. He just doesn't want help.

If he died and I couldn't do anything to help, I'd never forgive myself. And I'm beginning to feel like I won't be able to help him.

I don't know what to do...