LonelyFace - Archived Blog Posts

[LonelyFace]

(Journal Entry 10)
November 4, 2009
9:00 am

He's back in class today. Perhaps I should just expect him to show up on Wednesdays. He says he was at CWU visiting friends (hey, I have friends there, too!) and then he passed out when he got back so he wasn't in class on Monday because he had to finish his article.

Today he's wearing a cool-looking beanie, but because of that, I can't really see his face. He's wearing a long sleeve thermal shirt (grey) and jeans. It looks like he's got a scratch (or is that a cut? I don't know. It looks like a deep scratch, but there's more than one...) on his wrist. His hair is blond, but I can't tell if his eyes are blue or green or grey, and I'm afraid to look at his face and try to figure it out. I don't really want him to notice that I'm staring at him. I like his shoes. They're the old Nike Bounce shoes. I remember when I was a kid and those first went out on the market; I thought they were so cool. They still are.

Professor F is telling us that The Oregonian reporter A.G. is a lesbian and has a partner. I KNEW IT!!! I could never tell if she was a woman or a man, 'cause she looks like a man but has a woman's name. Whatever.

Every time I look, I think his eyes are blue. Then a second later, they look like they might be green and then I can't tell anymore. I don't know how to learn more about him without straight up asking him out or following him or something. I think I might end up following him a little after class.

[Author's note: I didn't.]

 

[LonelyFace]

November 16, 2009 (aka today)
11:06 am

I feel really stupid. I think I might be in love with the man in my Journalism class. It's weird, but I don't really know much about him. But I know he has blond hair and blue eyes, he doesn't like Sarah Palin, and after our journalism class, he leaves campus to go to work at a T-shirt embroidery factory. He also takes a math class here, but I don't ever see him after class, so I dunno. He sits by me when we're outside the classroom waiting for our teacher to get there. I love when he sits by me. I love how he chooses to sit by ME! I feel like I'm in love with everything about him that I do know. I love his eyes and when they look at me. I love his blond hair and how his beard makes him look like a hot, blond Jake Gyllenhaal. I love his voice and his laugh and how he sounds quiet and shy but at the same time mature, confident, and outgoing. I love talking to him. I didn't talk to him today and now I feel incomplete. Like I need to make sure I do something today but now I can't. That's the main reason why I'm writing this; I can't stop thinking about him. I feel really hungry, but I don't want food. I want him. I want to at least be in the same room as him. To see him would be enough for me. I feel like I've been dreaming about him, but I never remember my dreams, so I'm not so sure about that. I want him so badly I feel like I need to get up from my desk and run around screaming until I find him. I feel so empty when he's not around, and I get really nervous when he's around me. I think maybe I should just grow a pair and ask him out already. I can't stand this. I think I will. I'll ask him out for coffee or something this weekend and see if I can exchange phone numbers with him. I hope I'm not becoming like that girld from The Rules of Attraction who kills herself after she sees Sean Bateman leaving the Dressed To Get Screwed Party with Lauren. I think I'll be okay, though. But I feel really stupid, because I'm probably in love with him, even though I not only know next to nothing about him, but I also have no idea if this is what it feels like to be in love. I don't know if someone my age can really know what love is. I don't know if I even believe in it. I think maybe I am. I hope things will go well with me asking him out. I really hope he will say yes. I feel so stupid.

I think I'm in love with him.


[author's note: in retrospect, I noticed some flaws in my idea: this weekend is the opening of the film New Moon. Therefore, I will likely be working every day in really crappy shifts so I may not have time to go out with him. But i think i can work through that small obstacle.

also, I just realized that i (accidentally) found out his email address and i know he has a facebook cause i searched for his name. Does that make me a stalker? and is that more proof that i might be in love with him? I'm so confused...

If anyone reading this has any advice, I'd love to hear it.]

 

[LonelyFace]

I couldn't do it. I was too scared.

I talked to my friend in California for maybe like an hour last night about what to do. We came up with a plan that seemed good at the time. I went to bed and woke up confident.

I should've remembered that things never go according to plan in my life.

The scenario that was required for my plan to work was not the one I needed. To make a long story short, I was supposed to start a conversation by drawing a picture when he sat next to me (of course, this scenario was dependent entirely upon him asking me about the picture). Someone else got there before he did and sat next to me instead. As a result, he didn't sit by me in the hall and he didn't even ask about my picture, which turned out shitty anyway. What a waste. I did kinda talk to him though, but I was too preoccupied with how my supposedly good plan had already failed to think of anything else.

Then in class, our teacher brought up the subject of a student at our college who was injured in a recent local shooting and how she gave an exclusive interview to our school newspaper (and NOT to the regular local media). Since most of us didn't know what to write about for our final articles, the object of my interest said something like, "that's the person to interview" or something like that. I wasn't really listening. I was too preoccupied with how afraid I was to look at him. My friend, however, was listening, and she passed me a note saying, "there's the answer to that question." Meaning, "looks like he's straight after all."

I couldn't deal with that. I know that means that there's something seriously wrong with me, but that doesn't change the fact that it's what happened. As a result, I got insanely depressed and nearly broke down crying in the cafeteria after class. This episode lasted through my next class and until I was finished eating lunch in my car.

I felt a bit better after eating my lunch (which worries me) and some quick sobbing, both of which I did while in my car.

I haven't felt this terrible in a few weeks. Which was a good thing. Now it's like I've relapsed and have to start all over again. I hate feeling like that, especially in public. The only thing I could do to keep myself from doing something stupid was to mentally recite multiplication tables.

"1x1=1. 1x2=2. 1x3=3. etc, etc, etc."

All I could think of was how stupid I was and how pointless everything was and how I just wanted to kill myself. I wished I had the small razorblade I keep in the wooden box in my room. The one I use to cut my upper arms, where nobody will notice unless they're directly exposed. But I didn't have it, so I didn't, and I feel better now.

I'm also feeling a bit more confident, but I know now that come Friday, things likely won't go so well...

 

[LonelyFace]

November 20, 2009
9:38 am

This morning before class he sat by me and talked to me. I was happy for that. My friend who also wants him wasn't in class for some reason, so I invited him to sit by me, and he did. I was glad for that, too.

He had to leave at 9:30, though. For some reason, my heart started racing when he got up to leave, and now it's still racing. When he was sitting with me, I didn't have that problem.

He told me that he had to go pick his car up from the shop. He said it was a minivan that wasn't actually his, just what he was driving. He said he has a truck, but it's broken down and he's too lazy to fix it. For some reason, his saying that made me smile...

I think he said he had to take the bus to the shop. In retrospect, what I should have done was offer him a ride. Damn!
That would've been perfect!

I didn't ask him out or anything. I won't have any free time for a date this weekend. I don't know if I'll have any free time to do so for the rest of the quarter, come to think of it. Next Wednesday is the start of Thanksgiving break, and I leave for Alaska the night before. I don't get back till Monday at 7:30 am. And the weekend after that is the last weekend before Finals start. After that, I think the quarter is pretty much over.

Wait. I know what I'll do.

I'll ask him if he wants to study for the J101 final together out of class during the weekend. I can go and request that weekend off when I'm at work tonight.

That'll work perfectly! Maybe I can even get my friend in on it, too! Not sure if that's a good idea, but whatever can set me up with being around him outside class will work for me!

It'll even give me an opportunity to ask him questions so I can learn more about him! I can even find out if he's really into girls or if he's into guys, or both! I suppose at this point, I should make answering that question the main focus of my endeavors. Once I find that out, if he's into guys, I can just ask him directly if he'll go out with me. If he's really straight, then he can just be my cool friend, my other friend can have him, and I'll just move on and look for someone else! Simple as that.

I just wish I'd thought of offering him a ride sooner. Dammit! the only thing I need now to get me through the rest of the day is to see him again. I just want to look at his beautiful face again. Right now, I think that's all I need.

 

[LonelyFace]

November 23, 2009
11:00 am

This week we only have 2 days of school. Today's almost halfway over and I won't see him until next Monday. For some reason, I'm not sure if I'll be able to wait that long. I don't want to have to wait that long. I already miss him, his voice, his face. Yeah, it's stupid, but that's the truth. My friend thinks it's dumb, since I barely know him. But I love what I do know about him.

I keep getting the feeling (and it seems to increase as I spend more time with him) that he wouldn't swing my way, though, which disappoints me. But he's still pretty cool, so if I find out he isn't into me, I'll have to get over him and just be friends and stuff. Hopefully I'll be able to do that...

Now, since I'm feeling particularly philosophical right now, I'm going to examine the similarities and differences between infatuation and love.

Someone told me that there is a difference between infatuation and love. But their dictionary.com definitions are nearly the same. So does that mean that infatuation comes before love or somthing? If so, why do we never talk about infatuation? It seems like people fall in love and are never infatuated with anyone, and that they do so very quickly. This is especially prevalent in child characters in movies. People tell them that they're in love, but kids are too young to know what love IS (if I'm not old enough to know, then neither are they), so shouldn't they just say they're infatuated with someone? I guess infatuation doesn't sound as good as love...

Okay, so maybe I'm just infatuated with him. But I don't really mind that right now.

I just want to see him again. Yeah, I'm just a dumb, 18-year-old bisexual guy who's infatuated with someone who's probably just into girls. It's dumb, but that's just how it is, I guess.

 

[LonelyFace]

December 2, 2009
10:30 am.

He wasn't in class (again) today. I was hoping he would be. My friend said she saw him downstairs before class, so why didn't he show up? Maybe it had something to do with the interview he'd scheduled for today. We chatted briefly on facebook last night and he told me about how his first interview (for our class' last J101 article) was today, so I suppose that'd explain it. But I didn't even see him. I wish I had.

I think I'm obsessed. If I'm getting this upset over not seeing him, I must be. Now I realize that the only reason I go to that class is to see him. That may even be the only reason why I signed up to be on the college newspaper next quarter. I'm really not even that into journalism!

People do stupid things for love.

Is it love?

I forgot to take my pills on time today. Maybe that's why I feel so depressed. But I think it's really because I'm so upset over not seeing him. Just seeing him seems to be all I need to get through each day. Looking forward to seeing him keeps me going until the days I'm supposed to see him.

God, I'm so stupid. That's such a petty thing to get depressed over. Not seeing the person you know you're in love with even though they probably don't love you back. But I am.

I feel so small and alone. It's all I can do not to cry right now. It's so cold, even though I'm inside and the sun's out today. I feel sick and empty, and it hurts.

I wish I was at home, so I could cut myself. The pain from cutting feels so much better than the pain I feel inside right now. It hurts so much. I want to die.

I can't live like this. It's not right. I wish I'd never met him, so I wouldn't have fallen in love. So i wouldn't have to feel all this pain. I can't deal with this. It's just too hard.

It's enough to make me wonder if it's even possible for me to ever be happy. I doubt I'll ever live long enough to find out.

 

[LonelyFace]

December 5, 2009 (Saturday)
After 7 pm

Well, I finally did it! I asked him if he'd like to see a movie with me, and he said yes!

Let's see if I can recount the event accurately:


We chatted on facebook for a while on Thursday night. We just talked about journalism homework, since we both had to write our articles that were due the next day. I finished mine within an hour of starting it. I was pleased with the result; I think it's the best one I've written all quarter.

Anyway, later that night, at around 11:30 maybe, I chatted with him again, and he basically told me he was still working on the article ('ehh, it's working process'), so we talked about that for a minute or two and then he told me he had to go since he wanted to actually get to sleep that night.

The next day (Friday), I put my new plan into action.

The idea was that I would ask him out to a movie. It would proceed as follows:

1. Ask him which movie he'd rather see, movie a or movie b.
2. Depending on his choice, say, 'ok i guess i'll go see that one.'
3. Say, 'i don't really go to movies by myself. would you want to go see it with me?'
4. Proceed from there.

So when I got to school that day, I was there an hour early, armed with that day's copy of the Arts and Entertainment section of the newspaper, looking at which movies would be out that day. There were a lot of good choices.

I got scared at first, 'cause two girls i knew from class showed up a while after i did and then sat on either side of me.

Thankfully, my love interest showed up soon after, and by then, one of the girls had moved over so there was some space for him to sit down, which he immediately did. I scooted over a bit so he'd have more room.

He saw me looking at the paper, and said, "No. no.... don't bring your work home with you."
To which I replied, "I'm just looking at which movies are out..."
"Oh," he said in reply.

We then talked about movies and he brought up the new movie Brothers (with Maguire, Portman, and Gyllenhaal), saying he wouldn't mind seeing it.

PERFECT! I thought.

We then discussed our opinions of the movies they'd all been in. My love interest is apparently one of the many people who didn't like Spider Man 3. My opinion was kinda "meh." I remember him saying he didn't have any idea what Sam Raimi was doing. Ha ha ha.

So anyway, we sat by each other in class again that day. It was fun. He told me that he finished his article around 3 am and couldn't get to sleep, so he tried watching TV and found something in the On Demand menu where you can listen to various sounds. He chose some kinda forest scene and said just as he was beginning to fall asleep, some bird made a loud KA-KAAAAAWWW noise and ruined it for him.

I couldn't find a good opportunity to talk with him until after class, so I had to kinda catch up with him.

"Hey, you said you'd see that movie Brothers earlier, right?"

"Yeah, I would. But I don't really feel like driving all the way down to Fox Tower and it's kinda expensive..."

PERFECT! I thought again.

"The trick is to go with me, 'cause then you get in for free."

"Oh really? Oh yeah that's right, 'cause you work at a movie theater."

"Yeah. Uh, would you maybe want to join me this weekend and see it?"

"Yeah, sure. I think I should have some free time this weekend... Just send me a message on facebook."

"Ok see you later."

"Later."

That's pretty much how it went down. So Friday and Saturday were a lot of anxious waiting for him to reply to the message I sent him as soon as I got home on friday. Then, today, when my family and I went out to dinner to celebrate my brother finally getting his driver's license, he responded!

thank you, Facebook Mobile!

So from there, we sent each other messages regarding meeting times and stuff. And now we've got something set up! I'm so excited! Tomorrow night at 7:35.... That gives me a little over an hour to eat and get ready after coming home from work. I can't wait! Oh I hope things will go by perfectly! I have a good feeling about it all right now!

I can't wait!!!!

 

[LonelyFace]

December 7, 2009 (today)
11:18 am

I've just presented my final presentation thing for my Japanese class, but now my instructor won't let me leave! I'm hungry! And I want to schedule another movie date-thing with my love interest!

I loved last night. I wish I could relive it. I would do so many things differently. I would have asked him questions about his job, his family, basically just more questions about himself. I remember he asked me questions about working at the theater, and then we mainly discussed a tv show we both love to watch (I'm SO glad he loves that show!). We both liked the movie we went to see, but I liked being with him more.

I kinda wish I'd gotten there earlier. When I got there, he was already waiting for me. I think I might have forgotten to apologize for making him wait out in the cold and wind.

I remember I kept looking for any sign that maybe he liked guys, too. He wore a scarf, a pea coat, and gloves. He crossed his legs a bit at one point (not like a whole lot, and definitely not in a feminine way).

I remember when we got up to leave, I followed him out. Just seeing him from behind in the dim light, seeing his black jacket over his tall body and broad shoulders made me want to hug him right then and there. I wanted to hug him from behind and just stand there with him, hoping that maybe time would stop. Instead, I kept moving and he asked me to explain the purpose of the theater check sheets in the corner of the auditorium, which I did.

I tried to talk with him some more, but it was cold, and we both had finals the next day, so he thanked me for the movie and I just said, "yeah, no problem. If you ever want to see a free movie again, jsut let me know," or something to that effect.

Then today, I was going to ask him for his number, since I hadn't the night before (I meant to, and I almost did! But I was kinda scared to, and the conversation didn't naturally go that way, so I didn't.), but he finished his final before I did (I saw that he didn't fill out the back page, though), and he left. I'm kinda disappointed. Oh, who am I kidding, I'm INCREDIBLY disappointed!

Luckily, he did express interest in seeing the Avatar movie last night, and I know from a previous pre-class conversation that he enjoyed Gran Torino (who didn't?), so I have great opportunities to see a movie with him again for the next two weeks! Invictus on Friday, then Avatar a week later.

Although, it might be difficult to get tickets for those (especially Avatar, which will also have a 3D option), since those are both opening weekends and I don't know my work schedule yet... I think I can work around that.

I hope I can work around that...

I'll have to ask him via facebook again, and this time, I'll need to get his umber. AND I'll need to make sure we can go to a showtime that gives us time to hang out or get coffee or something afterwards. Then I can finally ask him which way he swings. Subtly, of course.

I can't wait to get home and get started on this idea of mine! If only I could leave class! At least we're on the last presentation. I'm thinking mine was pretty bad... I just hope I get a passable grade. I hope I did well in J101, too... I guess I'll have to do some studying.

 

[LonelyFace]

Last night I was feeling quite depressed over many things:

1. I invited 12 people to go see The Box with me. I only organized this whole event cause one of my friends really wanted to see it when it came out, but we missed our chance. And then that friend didn't even go! The only people who went with me were the one person I picked up, and another friend who we didn't even realize was in the theater until it was over! How lame is that? Oh well. I actually ended up enjoying the movie, although it was very confusing.

2. Of course, I also got depressed over being unable to get in touch with my crush. Yes, it's sad and I'm a loser, but there you go. I don't even remember how I got depressed by thinking about him in the first place, to be honest.

that's all I can think of being depressed over. So I guess it was just 2 things. Whatever.

Anyway, I eventually started chatting with a mormon friend/coworker on facebook, and somehow we began discussing my predicament. Thankfully, she was actually really cool with it, which surprised me, seeing as she was Mormon and all.

Anyway, I told her about my crush and all my retarded life problems regarding him, and then I showed her what he looked like.

She then told me that she knew him! Apparently, he's friends with her old roommate's boyfriend. Small world.

Then she asked me if I wanted her to do some research on him. I said, "yes please."

I know I probably shouldn't have, and I was afraid I'd hear something I didn't want to find out from anyone other than my crush himself. But not this time. I guess I was just feeling too desperate by then. I don't know.

Anyway, I found out a lot of stuff about my crush, thanks to my awesome Mormon friend and her connections.

This is what I now know:

1. He used to work at an indoor soccer arena (useless info, really)

2. "most of his friends are older, and he has an older brother who is about 30." (ok not really important, but interesting)

3. the friend "doesn't think he's gay BUT he has never seen him with anyone, boy or girl."

At this point, I was internally squealing like a giddy little schoolgirl.

4. The friend hasn't talked to him in a while, but has known my crush since middle school.

So if he's known him that long and hasn't seen him with anyone by now, that means something good, in my opinion (since I know I have friends who could say the exact same thing about me!!! We have so much in common lol!)

Needless to say, I was incredibly excited by this news. My new best (mormon) friend also informed me that she had another mutual friend with my crush, but doesn't know them very well, so more information will possibly be coming my way soon.

I'm quite excited. Now I just need to solve my little communication problem.

And yes, I am a little ashamed of myself for giving in to temptation and getting my stalker on.

I'm too exited to think of anything else to write.

 

[LonelyFace]

I tell myself that I can't have him, so I should just shut the fuck up and fucking get over him already.

Then I resolve to never fall in love ever again because I've just survived a very emotionally painful 4 months and I never want to re-experience it ever again. I tell people I'm done with love and I'm never going to fall for someone or look for someone or accept another person's love for as long as I live. They tell me not to give up and I say it's too late.

Then I cry all day and finally fall asleep after crying some more in my bed.

The next day, I wake up and everything's fine again. I go back on my own word and believe in love again. But only because no matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about him and how much I want him. It makes me angry to be unable to fucking get over it already!!!

My mother keeps asking me what's wrong because I look like something's bothering me. I tell her that I'm fine and there's nothing wrong with me, other than the fact that my head hurts and I'm tired.

But in reality, everything is not fine. I just don't want to talk about it with her. She wouldn't understand, and it's too weird to talk with her about that kinda stuff. It's kinda weird to talk about it with anyone, to be honest. I don't know.

I just wish I could see him again, that he'd get on facebook and at least let me know that he's still alive or something (he hasn't been on in like 2 weeks; I'm assuming he's on vacation or something, but still, it seems a bit odd...).

He hasn't un-friended me or anything, and he hasn't responded to the message my friend convinced me to send him (hey i was still wondering if you wanted to hang out or see another movie over xmas break. i was wondering if I could ask for your number, since messaging thru fb is kinda an annoying hassle. my number is ########). So I don't know what's going on. Maybe that's what's bothering me the most.

I just wish something would happen. I don't want to have to wait for an opportunity that might never come, since we probably won't have classes together anytime soon. I wish our relationship (if you could even call it that) would move forward or something some time soon; that way, I could maybe stop fantasizing about him and thinking about him every second of the day.


I don't even know what else to say. My head hurts and I'm so tired. Mentally and physically. I'm sick of this. Being in love SUCKS.

If you want to be happy, DON'T fall in love.

 

[LonelyFace]

Well, I guess I didn't get anywhere. I feel like I have the exact same stuff to say as in my last entry. In fact, part of me doesn't feel like I really have ANYTHING to say.

It's the same as always: I feel empty and alone. I'm depressed because I got so angry at myself. I didn't want the year to end like this. I had imagined something so much happier for me.

I always forget that nothing in my life ever actually happens the way I imagine it will.

I don't feel like anything's changed. It's now January 1st, 2010, and I don't give a shit. It's no different from yesterday. Nothing's ever gonna change for me, is it?

I don't even know what I'm doing right now. Writing this is just another way for me to silently bitch about how much I hate my life, and who really cares about that, anyway? Nobody.

It's the New Year, and I'm celebrating by crying and being depressed and considering to call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. How pathetic can I get?

I'd make a resolution, but I don't know what to resolve to or whatever.

Well, I'm done with ranting. I'm just going to go to bed. Maybe in the morning, I'll feel a bit better. Maybe in the morning, things will be okay.

Hope is a bitch that keeps people alive so we don't stop suffering.

 

[LonelyFace]

My close friend came up from California to visit me for the week. Today may be her last day, so I took her to see A Single Man in Portland today. I've been wanting to see it for a while, and I figured this might be my only chance, so I took it.

I enjoyed the movie, I guess. The best part of the film was definitely the music. It was so beautiful. I'm actually waiting for the album to finish downloading on my computer right now. Say what you want, but if you've seen the movie, you'll probably agree with me.

Anyways, so we saw it, and it was very strange. Very homoerotic. Not really what I wanted to see in a movie, but I'm still kinda glad I went to see it. Now I can say I did. I remember telling my friend that I never wanted to see another movie by Tom Ford ever again, but now I kinda want to see it again.

Maybe because I kept finding small things in the movie that reminded me of other things. Like how some of the things in the movie were similar to what I've been reading in books lately (the crap by Mark A. Roeder-- I'm just reading more of them for closure in the story arc, I swear!). And how those things I've been reading in the books are similar to what I've been experiencing in my whole being-in-love-experience.

I'm reminded of how he made me feel. I'm reminded of how he's practically gone now, just like how Jim was gone for George. My love interest may as well have died in a car crash, too, considering all that's happened (and that's the point: NOTHING has happened).

I miss him so much, and I can't move on. I feel stuck. I feel like I should be crying, but right now, I actually feel too tired to cry. I feel like I don't have any tears left. It's strange. I don't remember ever feeling like this.

I try to think of him, his face, his voice. I can't remember. I'm forgetting him faster than I thought, and I don't want to. It takes me a great effort to conjure up a mental image of him, and I have to wrench my eyes shut and think really hard in order to do so. I want to be able to remember him without having to look at his facebook photo to remind me of him. But it's so difficult. Is that a good thing? Or is it bad? Am I forgetting him? Am I getting over him? I don't know if I want to do that just yet, since I still want some kind of closure. I don't want to have to spend the rest of my life wondering and wishing and waiting and regretting and blah blah blah.

I hope that when school resumes on Monday, things will change for the better, and that things will start up again, so to speak. I miss him. I keep wondering where he is and what he's doing right now. I know it's probably pathetic, what I'm doing, how I'm acting, but I don't know.

I

 

[LonelyFace]

January 4, 2009
4:24 pm

I've just returned from my first day of the new quarter. I hated it. I have a feeling that this whole quarter is going to suck. HARD. (No pun intended)

I woke up at 6 am today and left the house by 7:30 to pick my friend up at her girlfriend's house. From there, we drove to school, and parking was so bad I had to park outside the T Building, which is separated from the rest of the main campus. I left the car there today because I thought my first class was supposed to be in that building, but it wasn't. Instead, it was in another building that was a part of the rest of the campus.

The class didn't start until 11:30 am. My friend has English in the T building every morning at 9 am. I promised to carpool to school with her. Fuck.

Thankfully, my first class ended with enough time for me to run to the other side of campus where my second class was (a result of poor class scheduling on my part). It was Japanese 2 and it was WAY too easy. I fell asleep out of boredom at one point. I'm going to switch out of the class as soon as I can. Continuing to take it is just a waste of my parent's money.

Finally, I walked to the next building over to get to my math class. In high school, I passed Algebra 1, Geometry, Algebra 2, and finished my senior year with a good grade in A.P. Statistics. Yet for some reason, when I took the college placement test, I was scored into PRE-ALGRBRA.

I decided to be a man and go to the class even though it was an insult to my intelligence. But I had no idea it would be THAT much of an insult! The class was WAY too easy, and the instructor talked to the class as if we were all retarded!

The weather was pouring rain all day and I ended up circling campus at least 3 times today. I just got home and finally had an opportunity to eat the lunch I made for myself. Perhaps I'm just pissed off because I'm starving, but I don't care.

And worst of all, I didn't see him ONCE today. And he's still absent from Facebook. That was the icing on the cake. The only thing I care about most. It'd all have been worth it if I could have seen him again.

I'll never see him again, will I?

Today has just been one big chain of disappointing events. I used to love Mondays, and now I predict that I'll grow to hate them as much as I used to back in high school.

I'm so angry I want to scream and make the world shatter. I want to cry but for the first time, I can't. Maybe I've finally run out of tears... Maybe I'm finally getting over him like I should have a month ago. I keep having to remind myself that I don't want to forget him, and that I'm in love with him. But maybe this proves that I was never in love in the first place?

A friend of mine told me that there would be other, more attractive guys in the future. I still think that's a lie.

I thought I had finally found someone who I could fully relate to on a personal level. I thought I'd finally found a chance at happiness. I thought maybe I'd finally feel whole, loved. I thought that maybe, finally, I wouldn't be alone anymore.

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't think I will be able to make it much farther in life.

I felt so good being around him. I thought maybe I had finally realized what it felt like to be happy. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy.

I do believe that there is a God, and that he hates me with every fiber of his being.

I feel so alone and lost. I really thought he was a real shot at happiness for me. But when I think about it, I can't imagine him actually being attracted to me. I honestly can't imagine anyone finding ME attractive. People tell me I look good, but I don't. I really don't. I look better than what I used to look like, but still...

What am I doing here? What's the point in any of this? I'm just wasting my time wishing for something I'll never have.

And now I'm crying again. I guess the tears were there after all. I don't think that they'll ever go away. I don't think I'll ever be able to get over him. All of this-- all the pain, the loneliness, the fear, doubt, envy, emptiness, sadness, darkness, anger, ALL OF IT-- will last forever, won't it?

I'll always be an emotional wreck. I'll always be unhappy. I'll always be alone.

Maybe this should be my suicide note.

 

[LonelyFace]

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010
8:59 pm

So that's it. Where's my therapist when I need her? I need to talk to somebody. I need to scream. I need to run somewhere and keep running until my voice gives out from screaming and I collapse and die from exhaustion. Any second, I'll start crying again.

I think I've figured it out. I'll explain.

The past couple days have been better for me, but I didn't see him, so I didn't enjoy them as much as I could have. Now that this has all happened, I won't be able to enjoy life for a long while.

I've still been depressed over being so in love with him. Over not seeing him. Over starting to forget him. If that's even possible for me.

These past few days, I've been looking for him everywhere I've gone. I never saw him, and I always knew I never would, but I still tried. I kept hoping I would run into him and that things would go the way I wanted them too. I looked everywhere for him in vain.

I talked to a friend about how it was affecting me. He listened and venting helped make me feel better.

Then I talked to the female friend/coworker of mine (the one i mentioned in my entry, "Stalker") because I was so upset over not knowing where he was or if he was even alive. I thought maybe she could use her facebook connections to help me find out what happened to him.

She told me she had deleted her facebook account because it was taking over her life. I thought that was strange, but maybe that's because I have no life for facebook to take over.

But she was still able to help me. She said her mutual friend with my crush had not heard from him in a while, so nobody really knows where he is.

Then she suggested I look to see if he had a MySpace.

I'd never thought of that.

So I did. And I wish I hadn't. I seem to wish for so many things.

He actually DID have a MySpace. His last login was recorded on January 4th, 2010. TWO DAYS AGO.

Now I know he's alive.

His info box tells me that he doesn't smoke or drink. I suppose that he just had photos of himself taken with him holding all those red plastic cups in his hand as a joke, then? Yeah, right.

He claims once again that he's straight. The photos were all I needed to know it was true.

He had a senior photo on there. I've never seen someone so beautiful in my entire life. All the photos of him with his friends. It was like looking into the face of someone who was popular and happy.

Then i saw the prom photo and it finally hit me.

HE IS A HETEROSEXUAL MAN. HE IS NOTHING LIKE YOU. HE WILL NEVER BE WHAT YOU THOUGHT HE WAS, OR WHAT YOU WANT HIM TO BE. HE WILL NEVER LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU LOVE HIM.

HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU AT ALL.

I saw the photos and felt like I needed to throw up. I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to scream. I wanted to talk to my therapist. I wanted to cry. I knew I was about to.

I knew at that moment that everything was over. That it had been over the second he finished the final exam in our class and walked out of the room. I had been fooling myself, and secretly, I knew I had been doing so all along.

I was a fool. I fell in love with someone who would never love me, would probably never know I loved him, and probably wouldn't be very comfortable around me if he knew I loved him.

I felt so stupid for everything I had done. I feel so humiliated. I feel like I've finally woken up from a dream that I'd been having for 4 months. It feels so awful.

I don't know what to do now. I feel lost and alone, just like I always felt. Except when I was deluding myself through being around him.

I thought I had finally found someone who would be my everything. I thought I had found the one. I was wrong. Once again, I was wrong.

Everything I felt about him, it was all wasted effort. Knowing that hurt more than anything. What was I thinking, believing that he could love someone like me?

I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

But I know one thing: I'm done with it. I'm done with loving him. To continue would only cause me more pain. I will stop loving him.

I will stop loving altogether.

I will not look for love, because I know I will never find it. I will not love, because it will only bring pain.

It's like that Lady GaGa song: I'll never love again.

I mean it this time. I don't care what anyone says or thinks. I won't go through this again. It's too much. It's too painful. I'm not strong enough to live through it more than once. I'm done. That's it.

Now my story is over. This part of my life has come to an end.

Even as I type these words, I see his face in that photo. He is still so beautiful. I hope one day he finds someone and becomes very happy and successful.

I hope someday I will finally forget his face forever. I hope someday I will find someone just like him, only perfect for me. I hope someday, I find what I want and that I finally know what it feels like to be happy. I hope someday I will be able to stop thinking about him.

I hope someday I will finally get over him.

I know, however, that I will never forget him. And that's okay. As long as I get over him, I'm alright with remembering him, with remembering everything. I know in my heart that someday, all of this pain will be useful to me, just like Ovid said.

For now, even though I'm still sad and disappointed and ashamed of myself, even though I know I'm still going to cry myself to sleep tonight, and even though I know that I will likely continue to cry over all of this for a long while, that's okay, because it's enough for me.

 

[LonelyFace]

First, a quick note for David: Perhaps I lead a miserable existence because I suffer from clinical depression? I dunno, maybe.

Now, for the healing report.

I feel as though I'm finally getting over him. Even though it's only been a few days, I think I've healed pretty quickly, which is good for me. Now all I have to worry about is running into him. I really hope that doesn't happen. I don't want to risk having some kind of relapse.

Anyway, so last night was fun for me. It was a night of firsts.

It was the first time I told my family that I would be working late and wouldn't be home till after 3 a.m., even though I was not working at all that night. Rather, I was going to a friend's house to do a week's worth of homework and then go out with more friends later in the evening.

It was the first time where there was a mutual interest between myself and the guy I saw a movie with (we went in a group of 4). The movie was Leap Year, and it wasn't that bad. I think I liked the whole Ireland part the best, though, since it was otherwise a lot like The Proposal, but with Amy Adams and Matthew Goode instead of Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds and no Betty White.

It was the first time I had tried a legitimate alcoholic beverage, and I hated it. I ingested maybe HALF of a "Screwdriver," only it had a lot more vodka than it was supposed to, so maybe that's why it was so nasty. Although I wasn't very thirsty at the time. I dunno, it was just strange. I don't think I really want to try anything else after that less-than-favorable experience.

Yeah, I know I'm lame.

It was the first time I'd gotten tipsy (according to everyone else). I did feel kinda weird for a while.

It was the first time I went clubbing (and to a gay club, no less!). It wasn't as fun as I thought it might be. It was really hot inside, the strobe lights hurt my eyes A LOT, I had trouble telling who was a boy and who was a girl, the drag show kinda freaked me out, the dancing was freaky and many of the guys there weren't wearing shirts (one or two guys in particular were wearing only their underwear; not sure why). There was also a lot of smoking going on outside the entrance, which is always an annoyance to me. Thankfully, though, nobody stared at me or filrted with me or groped me or anything! My friend who had been there before said people grabbed his ass maybe 3 times, so he was surprised when I told him that nobody touched me.

I would be NO fun to party with.

It was also the first time I'd gone to Shari's after 3 a.m.

Lastly, it was the first time I'd gotten home at 5 a.m.-ish from a night of firsts, only to forget to set my alarm clock so I would wake up and get to work on time, causing me to be an hour late for work the next day. That's what I get for staying out so late. Karma's a bitch. That's life.

Good thing I was smart this time and got the other guy's number.

 

[LonelyFace]

Well I just found out that a friend of mine got his license. Said friend also happens to still be in high school (he's a senior, only a year behind me). Said high school also happens to be the one my younger brother goes to. Said younger brother also happens to know my friend. They MIGHT be friends, I'm not sure.

Well according to this possibly mutual friend, my brother hates me.

This isn't exactly news to me. He's a prick, so I retaliate. He's still mad because I deleted my file in Assassin's Creed 2 (maybe if he wasn't such a fucking douchebag and hadn't played MY FILE while I was at work all during Xmas Break while refusing to let me play HIS file in the $60 game I bought him for Xmas [he, by the way, got me a $10 T-shirt because he didn't bother to get any shopping done this past year], I wouldn't have deleted my file and started over!), and he probably knows that I deleted it on purpose, although I'm pretending to have ACCIDENTALLY done so (for now).

Anyways, my brother hates me. I'm pretty sure that much is fact.

BUT! According to my/our friend, my brother allegedly hates me because he thinks I'm gay.

Well, first off, I'm not gay, I'm bi.

Second, I somehow always knew he would be intolerant of gays, especially if I was one.

Third, if he hates me because of that, then does he hate our uncle, too? No, he doesn't. So why should I be any different? I'm not!

This just makes me so angry. Why can't my brother and I be tight like normal brothers are? Everyone else seems to have better relationships with their siblings than I do, and it really depresses me that I don't have a good relationship with my brother. I don't understand why he hates me so much. Ok, well honestly, I do understand, but saying it will make me look like an asshole.

But I'll say it anyway. My brother is a complete fucking prick. PERIOD. There are very few good qualities about him anymore. He used to be cool. We used to be best friends. Now I don't know what's happened to him. I don't know the kid who shares a bathroom with me.

I feel so old for saying it, but I think his friends might be to blame. They're all skater kids who are druggies and punks and he thinks they're SO awesome. He wants to be accepted by these idiots so badly that he acts all fake to get their approval. I've seen it in action. He's completely different when he's around them. I remember when it first started, he'd act so rudely to me when they were over, and then he'd be normal when they were gone. It was so unfair to me.

I know that he just wants everyone's approval, and at the same time he wants everyone to leave him alone, so he just tells everyone what they want to hear so they like him more and leave.

Ugh, this just makes me so mad. Why do things between my brother and I have to be this way?

 

[LonelyFace]

Quick note: I've been doing much better lately. I finally got over the crush, still haven't seen him, and I don't want to ever see him again. I try to think of him as little as possible, but whenever I see a giant white truck, I still think of him. The only feelings I have for him now are anger and hatred. I don't really feel like that's such a bad thing right now. Eventually it'll turn to ambivalence and I'll forget about him forever.

Anyways:

Today was going pretty well until I came home from school at the same time in which my mother was returning from getting the mail. I had received my latest issue of Maxim Magazine (which replaced my Electronic Gaming Monthly subscription after they went down with the economy), which had the girl from that TV show I don't watch on the cover. I thought she was pretty hot but her face.... Not so much. But I digress.

The point of my story is this: I got it and started looking at it and my mother said to me: "Don't act all excited. You don't have to pretend in front of me."

....Excuse me?

WHAT THE FUCK?!

WHO'S PRETENDING?!

This is one reason why I hate my mother, and it's the main reason why I'm so pissed off right now. Because she never fucking listens to a single fucking thing I have to say!

When she forced me out of the closet (which I still hate her for doing), I told her that I was bisexual, which is the truth. But she STILL doesn't believe me! Because she doesn't seem to believe in bisexuality! It's just like when I was diagnosed with depression: she didn't believe me! She didn't think I was suffering from a legitimate illness! I had to go to the fucking HOSPITAL before she admitted to herself that depression an mental illnesses are indeed real things, that I wasn't just faking it for attention, and that I couldn't simply "get over it" like she always told me to do!

What kind of mother does that shit to her child? Forces them out of the closet just to prove that they're right about something when they're WRONG, and then refuses to believe them or even fucking LISTEN to them when the child tells them the truth?! It's so fucking STUPID! My mother should have the sense and decency to believe what her child tells her! I wouldn't lie to my own mother about that, especially after all the shit I've had to deal with!

My name is [LonelyFace] and I am bisexual. I like men AND women! If I have to throw a label on my sexuality, then that's what I want to be known as!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just because I write blog entries on a "Gay" forum doesn't mean I'm exclusive! I don't want to have to be exclusive, either, since I'm more then well enough aware of what people have to offer each other in life!

Why can't my mother just fucking listen to me and accept me for who I am, and not who she wants me to be just so she can have the satisfaction of being right about everything? What the fuck do I have to do to prove that my mother is wrong? Find a really hot, slutty woman to be my girlfriend and then make out with her in front of my parents and get all hot and heavy in front of them?! I shouldn't have to pull that kinda shit!

Why couldn't my parents just never have met? People like them shouldn't have kids. My mom's a stupid, over-protective, controlling bitch, my dad's a mysoginistic, mentally unstable douchebag, and both of them have TERRIBLE listening skills. These kinds of people shouldn't be allowed to have children! It fucks up the gene pool and only creates misery for all involved parties-- including the children they have!!!

I can't believe she has the gall to doubt everything I say and do in my life. She thinks my whole personality is a carefully concocted lie that I parade around in for the rest of the world's satisfaction. As if she's forgotten about all the times I told her about all the different girls I had crushes on in grade school. It's like my own word isn't worth a damn in this world anymore!

I don't tell her about these things anymore because she refuses to listen to me unless I start talking like Adam fucking Lambert! Yeah, mom, I'm attracted to guys, but there's also this girl at work that I've been attracted to for a really long time but I'm afraid to ask her out because a) She's Mormon, and b) Because I still have these feelings for guys (and I did kinda fall in love with one a few months ago) and I want to get that in check before I pursue a relationship with a woman. Yeah, let's see how well a conversation like THAT would play out. She'd stop listening after about a minute and then tell me I'm lying to her and that I should just tell her the truth because she accepts me for who I am.

The truth, though, is that she DOESN'T. If she did, she'd be content with the answer I've given her time and again. If she did, she wouldn't be trying so hard. If she did, she wouldn't have forced me out of the closet, she wouldn't have taken every opportunity she got to prattle on incessantly about gay people, and she certainly wouldn't have said, "you don't need to pretend in front of me" when I wasn't pretending about anything!

To be honest, I actually HATE gay people to a certain degree now, and it's because of her!

I honestly don't know why I fucking bother with anything anymore. I still get shit from people, my family doesn't listen to me (and when they do, they don't respect me), my friends are all too caught up in their own lives and relationships to make time for the one who takes time to listen to them and be their shoulder to cry on WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FUCKING SHOULDER TO CRY ON?!?!?!?!?!

Ugh. This is so fucking stupid. I hate my family.

 

[LonelyFace]

Today I deleted my former crush from my list of Facebook friends. Now I won't have to get angry whenever I see that he's online. I won't have to think about him anymore.

I've erased him from my life. It's for the best. I know I'll never see him again, anyway, and there will be other people who will come along and replace him.

Our relationship (if it could even be called that) had no real end, so I had to create one in order to heal and move on. And now I have.

That's the end of our story. Maybe a new one will start soon.


I'm totally writing a book/screenplay about this.